I will repeat my 'mood stone' story. (warning, there is pg mentioned in the story)
One night, at the fertility support/prayer group that I went to, an astounding discovery was made. The guest speakers that night were two psychologists that specialized in fertility counseling. It was an unusual night where we had 16 women present, and of that group, 9 were already pg or anouncing their pregnancy that session. This particular fertility group was unusual, as many who graduated continued to come back to support, and the feelings were of this group, that seeing someone 'graduate' and move on to a pregnancy would give hope to others. As an aside, this theory worked for awhile for me, but later backfired and going was more painful than not, as I was the one completely left in the dust and lapped. But, I digress. Back to my story. To note, two of the remaining 7 that were not pg were single. That included me and someone who was actually having a transfer the next day, after numerous failed IVF cyles. I was still trying to solve my fibroid issue and was about to go have a second surgery in 6 months to attempt to remove the fibroid that the first surgeon insisted could only come out with a hysterectomy. So, I was not in the most enviable position either.
At the beginning of the session, these psychologists passed around these "bio-dot" little stickers that you place in a particular spot on your hand. After waiting awhile, the bio-dot would change colors based on your stress level, much like the mood rings of yester-year. It went to brown for the highly stressed, and dark blue to purple for the 'relaxed' set. So out of the 16 of us, 9 of whom were already pg, the only two people that went immediately to the deepest blue/purple were the two single women, even though one was about to have their last attempt the next day and the other was about to have a second attempt at a surgery just so she could get started! Everyone else was closer to the dark brown/stressed parameter. Even the ones that were already pg and in the excited, honeymoon stage of their pg. Then they did this very basic relaxation technique that basically I learned in 8th grade gym class, and the 'brownish' ladies moved towards green and closer to the blue. I don't think they ever achieved the single ladies' deep blue status.
We later discussed this phenomenon. The group leaders noted the added stress that the DH's were under, and how that stress got transferred to the spouse as well,and vice versa. ANd how difficult it is to be on the same page at the same time. And how stressful it is for the DH to be helpless, on the side lines, during much of the process.
So, dear Anon with the drama queen DH, you are most definitely not alone. And, the psychologists also noted that it was very important that women have other women to talk to during these stressful times, as many times, the DH's do not have the capacity to give the kind of support that the woman needs. Nor does he know how to aptly express the emotions that he is going through either. At least not in a way that another woman can understand. I think it was the whole Mars/Venus thing of speaking different languages. Sometimes, you just need to talk to someone in your 'native tongue', so to speak.
Great point about men needing someone to talk to...
July 27 2011, 10:05 PM
in their own man language.
My DH is an eternal optimist (opposites attract) and he also is the kind of guy who says outwardly, "We'll get through it, we'll find a solution" etc. So assumed this multi-year struggle wasn't impacting his psyche. (silly me) It turned out that he was using his golf buddy as a confidant. Golf buddy is now parent to three (singleton and baby twins) but his wife has severe endo. They've done numerous IVF cycles with failures, etopics, and even a pg loss of multiples in the 2nd trimester. So even though they've come out the other side with a family and haven't used DE, they were still in a very similar boat of struggling for years with IF issues, that both guys could really relate to each other and speak the same language. I know that my DH doesn't confide in his other friends or family. He doesn't even tell any of those people when we are cycling just to avoid the potential letdown of bad news. But even though his golf buddy has moved to CO (we live in CT) they still talk about it.