What's Wrong with Me!!! Don't Know if I can Do This anymore!! (everything ment.)
October 3 2011 at 8:59 AM
Anonymous (no login)
After years & years!!!! of infertility OE & DE I just can't bring myself to go through one more cycle Again...I don't know whether it is all the disappointments, BFN's, mc's BUT I feel like i don't have the strength anymore. I also don't know whether it is fear! or the thought of losing my life or more babies lifes, can't find the one reason but many reasons... I have a pre-test to go through which may involve minor surgery to be ready for another FET cycle BUT i don't even want to go through the test.... financially if I had the money i would not hesitate with a surrogate and would also be very open with open adoption but at 48 yrs. old that option of adopting a baby may be not possible anymore.
I am very sad about my feelings and Hope anyone of you wonderful Ladies can help guide me to a better place...
If you have any advice to offer on adoption, surrogate, foster care w/the option to adopt I would greatly appreciate any HELP you have to offer!
Nothings sucks the life force out of you more than cycling. To date, its the most physically and emotionally taxing thing that I've done. Hang in there, so many of us have felt the same exhaustion. I wish you success in your next steps, and strength keep going to whatever is in store for you next.
right now. I know how hard it is to try to face one more test, one more cycle. I dont have any advice, and cant offer any help - except to let you know that when I had done all I could do - when I couldnt find the strength to cycle one more time - I turned to the "Green Board" you'll find the link at the stop of the page STILL TTC. Those ladies have been there too, and totally understand. They dont give false hope and they dont try to shower you with rainbows.
I will also tell you, that for our last fresh cycle, I was emotionally done. DH wanted to try one more time, so I went through the motions for him, knowing it would be the last time. I had absolutely no hope of it working and no reason to think it would. That is the cycle that brought us our little guy.
Thinking of you, and hoping you find the strength to do whatever your heart leads you to do.
" Some people built castles in the air. She constructed hers from mashed potatoes, which kept down demolition costs." Sarah Sloane, Borrowing Priviledges
Haven't been through your long ttc struggle, but . . .
October 3 2011, 2:17 PM
I think it's OK to take a break. There's just so much poking and prodding and medicating coupled with so much disappointment you can take. Maybe the break could include a spa day? A spiritual retreat? A trip out of town that you find relaxing? I'm sorry this has been so rough for you. Birdy is right, though, DE will wait, unlike your natural fertility. Once you feel rested and stronger, you'll be better able to face the pre-test or decide whether you want to explore adoption or surrogacy more. Take care, Maggie (in VA)
I read somewhere that infertility is right up there with cancer in terms of the stress levels (hope not to offend anyone who has dealt/is dealing with the big C). So many reasons: you're grieving, but you still hold out hope; you can't share details with those around you; etc. etc. So, I second Maggie's suggestion to take a break. If/when you do cycle again, you need to be as rested and refreshed as possible.
Your feelings are a normal reaction to the struggle of IF. It is just so overwhelming and it seems to go on forever. Last week after our last embryo did not survive the thaw I was so sad. I went to bed thinking I just don't want to live anymore. I would never do anything to hurt myself b/c I have too many people that love me and I would never want to cause them pain. So I prayed the world would end and put me out of my misery before morning arrived. Kind of crazy now that I think on it but at the time I was feeling pretty low. I think you should take a break to re-charge and maybe while you are recharging spend some time researching adoption. I know from our research that 48 is probably too old to adopt an infant internationally. Most countries have a cut-off age of 40 or 45 to adopt an infant or toddler and many have waitlists years long. We looked into domestic adoption too but in our area a private adoption is pretty pricey ($44,000) with a 1-2 year wait. I don't see myself as having the patience to deal with a DCF infant born addicted to drugs or with FAS. On of my friends adopted an infant that was exposed to drugs and alcohol prenatally. All the love she and her husband have given that child and they have not been able to control the behavioral issues. He was kicked out of multiple daycares and preschools, in the first grade he was kicked out of the public schools and the town is now paying to bus him fifty miles each way to a special school for troubled youth. God Bless the people that have the patience and perseverance to take these children . I just don't think I could do it. While your recharging you should try to do some things to take care of yourself - get a pedicure, massage or whatever makes you happy. Good luck. ((hugs))
Many of us have been exactly where you are right now (pg ment)
October 3 2011, 10:05 PM
Many of us have been where you are now. The green board is a place where you can go and really talk about stuff like this (not that this isn't the place for it).
It is incredibly frustrating it is each time it doesn't work because you don't really know why or how or what the heck is going on.
You feel like screaming 'why does everyone else get pg and I don't'.
Thing is you are spent and why wouldn't you be.
Briefly, I did 6 years of cycles and wrote almost exactly what you have here on the green board. I had just had enough! We had run out of frosties and the prospect of going through all that again was sending me troppo. Then we turned to surrogacy in India and had a truly horrible experience with that.
I couldn't take anymore after that so took a total of two months off ttcing. that meant rarely talking about it and my lovely man and I were free to just 'be' without all the stress.
I did have a plan quietly ticking away (but I really took a major break from ttcing).
In the third month 'off' we visited a clinic in another country not far from here (Australia). I went to check it out as India broke us mentally and financially and that wasn't going to happen again.
The clinic's cycle protocals are done for each individual not the masses.
We were at the lovely ladies house and I said to my now husband 'honey I don't think I can do another cycle and have it fail. Lets think about moving to surrogacy now and quit while we are ahead.'. He listened and we would have gone that route.
However, the lady who runs the clinic was so sure she could help us that I trusted her and did the cycle. A month and a half later I was pg.
I will tell you two things: firstly, you have to be cycling for a chance of pregnancy (0bviously but true), secondly, my dear mother once said to me 'keep going you will get there'. I also want to add 'don't turn around and look at the past look to the future and reach for it as your babe is there waiting for you to reach them'.
If you keep these two things in mind then you will find the strength to keep going.
However, can I please say to you to take a break and don't think about all of this for a month or two. Give youself time to heal a bit. It doesn't take long and heal you will. You will return with vigour and a 'if it works it works and if it doesn't then lets go to plan b (surrogacy)'.
We all get to a breaking point and to do even one more test is not something we can face. Give yourself a little time and your energy and strength will return.
Take care and write me if you want to know the name etc of the clinic I went to etc, best and thinking of you, look after you right now, THK
perthkitty @ yahoo . com
To an organization that the actress Nia Vardalos works with. I follow her on twitter and she is their national spokeswoman, I believe. She is so sweet and helpful and adopted her daughter through US foster care. http://adoptuskids.org/ I have several friends who had success with foster/adopt. Certainly worth looking into and going to an informational meeting in your area. Sending you all good thoughts that you have your little one in your arms, one way or another, very soon!!