Foster Care, Adoption, G Carrier ..... Have ?'s if someone can Pls. Help..February 9 2012 at 9:08 AM
|Anon4this (no login)|
Right now at this point of my life after years and years of ttc w/alot of BFN's & M/C's & Heartache ...dh & I have started looking into other options to add to our family, we do still have frozen embryos BUT we just don't know if we could take another disappointment!!!
we did start looking into a surrogate and even with the helpful information from agency and a couple of wonderful ladies on the other boards the financial expense is way to much for us.
Adoption domestically seems very risky and can also be very expense with the outcome of the mom keeping the baby.
International adoption seems good if you fall within the guidlines of age both dh & I are upper 40ish and dh is turning 51 so we don't qualify for infant only older child or child with disablility...also for medical reason I can't travel on airplane (inner ear issue)so this may Not be right for us.
Foster Care with option to adopt...anyone know how this works???? I have tried to look into this but get many different answers.
Dh & I live in the NY area and if anyone has any Info., and/or Advice it would be soooo Very Helpful!
THANK YOU!! this is Not my first time asking for Help on this Board and you Ladies have always been so wonderful with support & advice!
|Maggie in VA|
Post to the green board, too . . . (kids ment'd)
|February 9 2012, 11:38 AM |
That's the "Still ttc thru DE" link above. Several of the women there have used a GC, and some may have tips on how to do it most economically before you rule it out.
Sounds like you and DH are about the same age I and my DH were when we started. I actually wasn't even very interested in IF treatment; I just wanted to adopt, but when I started researching it, I realized that my options would be very limited. I was open to adopting an older child, but I meant age 3-9, while a whole lot of the adoptable kids in the U.S. are not just over 10, but in their teens.
I have four friends who have tried or succeeded with adopting through social services. One couple adopted two gorgeous little boys, who were followed by a sister when their drug-addicted mother abandoned her at the hospital. But they were extremely lucky in that the children seem to have no ongoing developmental issues from their mother's behavior and she was willing to relinquish her parental rights fairly readily. Another friend adopted a, hmmm, a beautiful 7 yo (?) girl, but the husband was distantly related to the girl, whose only living parent died, and they got priority. So, there's a huge element of luck there.
Two other friends didn't have such positive experiences. They were both single women, although educated and self-supporting, and I wonder if they weren't being discriminated against at some level. They complained that their social workers rarely even contacted them. They did all the paperwork, went through the home study, but the last I heard, only one had been offered a placement, and that was for an 18yo.
You don't go into details about your ttc history, but there are some women here and on the green board, especially, who have been through some amazing things before they succeeded. Unless you have a reason to know your uterus just can't work, it is your most valuable asset. But the green board ladies also have experience with GC and can guide you there.
Maggie (in VA)
Don't know but...
|February 9 2012, 1:20 PM |
I have a friend in CA and she did this. There was a process of training and getting "certified" which she and her husband did, and enjoyed. Then, literally, the next week, she had a beautiful precious baby boy. He was returned to the family a month later, but I understand that this year she took a foster in and is in the process of adopting (and finally got pregnant on a cycle).
As I understand it, it is highly local, so I would recommend googling foster adoption for your county, and then seeking a local support group which can help with advice.
This is a great option, and I am sending you huge luck and hugs!
Ditto this - it's totally different by county...
|February 9 2012, 4:51 PM |
so any advice we give you may not help at all
. I'm in CA and we looked into foster-to-adopt, and didn't go there b/c we feared after all of our losses, losing a real LIVE baby that had already been in our arms (as reunification is the goal of foster care). This happened to my cousin a couple of times and it nearly killed her, after having been through IF already and losses there. That said, there ARE situations in which it's highly unlikely that a baby/child would be returned to parents, and you want to try to get a placement with one of those. The foster care system here determines whether you want to adopt, or whether you really want to foster kids short-term (which can still be a year or more) with the goal of having them reunify (people who are done having their families are preferred for this scenario, but with so many kids to place, the goals of prospective adoptive parents do not always match up to the situation - so just be aware). Anyway, that's the way CA system was explained to me; they try to match up temp/permanent wishes of couple with the situation, but not always successfully. Definitely call your local dept of social services, and see if they have an information session. That would be a good first step with no strings. They probably have support groups too as minniet ment'd. Private adoptions are scary as you said, my cousin ment'd above also went through a failed private adoption which sucked all of their savings (and then some) away, when the mom decided to keep the baby after the birth. It all sucks. It just sucks. I'm so, so sorry you haven't had success yet, and wish you a baby in your arms soon. ((Hugs)),
Yes, private adoption
|February 9 2012, 5:37 PM |
For every story of a couple who has adopted and had it go smoothly, I know two more who paid for everything and then the birth mother changed her mind, or worse, the father jumped back into the picture and demanded rights. It's scary.
Re: Foster Care, Adoption, G Carrier ..... Have ?'s if someone can Pls. Help..
|February 9 2012, 1:50 PM |
check out www.adoptuskids.org for older kids and siblings........don't know anything else about it though...
The best information source for your questions...
|February 9 2012, 4:41 PM |
is the award-winning non-profit creating a family (www.creatingafamily.org)
There are top ten lists for all kinds of topics and the director, Dawn Davenport is a former attorney who has written a great deal on adoption and infertility. she does a weekly radio podcast with experts which has won awards and is (I think) one of the best sources of serious information out there on just about any topic surrounding infertility and adoption that you could think of...you can search by topic.
I am sorry for your losses. There are still ways for you to have a child and it is understandable that at this point, you are risk-adverse.
I hope this website is helpful...
THANK YOU so very Much for all your info./advice and well wishes...
|February 9 2012, 7:10 PM |
It is so wonderful having all of your support to lean on...THANK YOU!!
My local newspaper advertises
|February 9 2012, 8:02 PM |
I saw it today actually. They are looking for foster parents locally - maybe check out your local paper or church group? Is there a reason you don't think an FET would work? DE is not always going to work the 1st, 2nd or 3rd try but may be worth continuing down this track at the same time as fostering/adopting.
looked into it all
|February 9 2012, 9:13 PM |
something to think about is a friend of mine adopted from Korea. they had a medical problem and couldn't fly. DH went to korea once (I think..it was some time ago and I'm fuzzy on the details) and then child was sent to US on plane with an escort provided by Korea. That part definitely happened. so if they're still doing that you could try Korea if you cant fly.
There was a pilot program awhile ago in Mexico....not sure what happened with it. But you could drive to Mexico.
International adoption can be expensive and domestic can be too. and with domestic the birth mom has time to change her mind after the baby is born.
We used a gestational carrier. It wasn't as expensive as you think b/c we used A Womans Gift..www.awomansgift.com and Fran charges less than any other place and provides alot more service than any other place.
I wish you the best of luck.
No, Korea is really hard
|February 9 2012, 9:28 PM |
I had friends who adopted from Korea a year or so ago, it's not easy. There really are not many international options anymore, and particularly for older parents. It's crazy how fast things have changed!
|Maggie in VA|
Yes, something to consider . . .
|February 10 2012, 11:43 AM |
The landscape changes sooooo rapidly in international adoption. When I started researching adoption, Haiti seemed like my best option -- they actually have a minimum adoption age of 35 -- but had I been able to pursue that, the earthquake might have disrupted everything if the adoption hadn't been finalized before then. And when I glanced at their age requirements, I think they've lowered the age since then. Countries are changing their laws all the time. Maggie (in VA)
hello (success ment)
|February 9 2012, 11:15 PM |
I was where you are now and was infact in exactly the same circumstances with the options you have laid out. I had had enough of ttcing myself and couldn't face another dissapointment.
Firstly, can I just write that we took a 'minibreak' from ttcing. We hardly spoke of it for two months this was after a failed surrogacy in India that went horribly wrong. Enough said about that.
Can I just put this out there... if you have had several BFNs have you looked into whats not happening? Its an obvious question but I'm asking it anyway. Have you read Dr Beer's book 'Is my body baby friendly'. Its an excellent book and you can get it on Amazon. Alternatively look at Beer or Dr sher's websites as they have much information about why IVF does not work e.g immune issues.
We went to a clinic in Kuala Lumpur and I did one cycle before we were to head down the surrogacy route there. I had 8 failed IVF (6 were DE).
I didn't think the cycle would work but my goodness me it worked and my boy is now 14 months old.
I truly know how spent you can be emotionally and physically when it doesn't work. But somehow if you take a little break you recoup some of your energy in these contexts and you can face another cycle you really can.
If that cycle had not worked we would have done surrogacy at this clinic as it is not that expensive (as compared to the U.S.).
Its all worth a thought. The clinic I went to has excellent stats. I was well taken care of in all contexts.
There are no deadends with DE unlike using your own eggs. email me perthkitty @ yahoo . com (join it all together)
if you want more info on the clinic. Don't worry you will find a way to work things out, best, THK
|This message has been edited by perthkitty on Feb 9, 2012 11:16 PM|
I think you may be thinking of legal risk placements
|February 10 2012, 8:31 PM |
That is where you are told, "termination of parental rights has not taken place but we think it's going that way and we think suitable familial placements will not materialize" and you decide the risk is worth the possible heartache - and you are SUPPOSED to be supportive of a possible reunification as long as TPR has not occured. Some parents are very lucky and a TPRed infant falls into their lap and no family members (and this could be 2nd cousin once removed) comes forward and no other adoptive parents of siblings either. It's definitely a risk and you more than likely will end up sending several home before your forever child comes unless you only seek children who are previously TPR'd, and those are likely to be part of sibling groups, have challenging issues of one kind or another, or be older. Hope this helps!
|Current Topic - Foster Care, Adoption, G Carrier ..... Have ?'s if someone can Pls. Help..|