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Update on the CrazyLady (death of spouse, DE failure, and embryo adoption mentioned)

February 9 2012 at 10:21 PM
CrazyLady  (Login CrazyLady42)

Hello, dear ladies!

I have lurked some in the last few months, but only posted a little.

After my final (heartbreaking) DE cycle using my deceased husband's sperm I went to Mexico for a few weeks, which was a nice break from all the snow up here.

After stepping away from TTC for a little while, my heart still really wants to be a mom and give that gift of life to another person and be a family with them. "They" say I'm a good candidate for "embryo donation" (However, I call it "embryo adoption", because I don't think anyone can donate a human being).

I've been through a battery of tests to make sure my uterus can be a happy home for embies. I've spent the past two days recovering from the final test, a hysteroscopy, to remove some polyps they saw in the saline ultrasound.

I am feeling a little unsure, a little scared, and more than a little like... well... a CrazyLady!

Do I dare try this?

I will be 43 in a few weeks. I will most likely be single for the rest of my life. I've never spent any time with kids, why on earth do I think I'll know how to care for one or even like/love one? I've been trying to become a mother for so long... so do I keep trying just to prove I can do it or do I keep trying because I really want this in my life??

And, here's the kicker... is it selfish to TRY - ON PURPOSE - to become a single mother? Is that what's best for "my" child, any child? I don't know.

I have a wonderful clinic that is working with me to match me with some embies (I can start working with their embryo adoption person on Tuesday) and/or two other ladies have generously offered to let me consider adopting there frozen embies.

What a journey! I don't really expect anyone to have the answers... but it sure felt good to vent!



This message has been edited by CrazyLady42 on Feb 10, 2012 10:03 AM

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(no login)

Re: Update on the CrazyLady (failure mentioned, embryo adoption mentioned)

February 9 2012, 10:50 PM 

Go for it and best of luck!!

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(Login perthkitty)

good to hear from you :)

February 9 2012, 11:02 PM 

Hello again (got your email just now btw happy.gif
It all sounds very good for you. I know you have doubts about stuff. I think we all do. I was a single person when I began this journey and I had the same thoughts. You don't know what will happen in the future CL you could meet someone. I"m just putting that out there happy.gif You just never know happy.gif
Just keep making appointments and going to them, get your babe on the way and take it from there.
I think all new mom's are flying by the seat of their pants and don't know what to do I sure was. But you have the ladies here of course and friends to help with advice. You will be ok. It will all be ok just go down the road and see where it leads petal happy.gif Its all waiting for you.
thinking of you happy.gif best wishes and rest up for a few days ok, THK

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Cranberry 2010
(Login Cranberry2010)

Thanks for the update

February 9 2012, 11:13 PM 

Sounds like you are well prepared.
Cranberry (another single)

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(Login CrazyLady42)

Glad to hear from

February 10 2012, 10:09 AM 

other singles... I am going to a SMC group event next week to meet some women and their children... my RE actually set it up for me.

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(Login margolis)

Another SMC here.

February 9 2012, 11:55 PM 

Hi CrazyLady. Thanks for the update, and I wish you luck on your future cycle. Btw, I don't think it is crazy or selfish at all for you to want and have a child. There are all kinds of families, and as long as the family unit is filled with love, that will meet the needs of your child. At least that is what I believe, I don't want to start any debates here.

Good luck. Oh, and there are quite a few of us SMCs on these DE boards.

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(Login CrazyLady42)

Thanks for the reminder

February 10 2012, 10:11 AM 

I forget I'm not the only single woman in the world, LOL! Thanks for reminding me (:

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(Login thesameboat)

so glad to hear from you! (child mentioned in passing, numerous failures ttc)

February 10 2012, 1:39 AM 

And to know you're getting by.

I'm not single, but was 43 when I finally conceived after 8 years and numerous cycles. I certainly haven't felt too old, but we'll see when she's a teenager someday! happy.gif

I definitely do not think it's selfish to want to be a mother and I hope you find success.

(Just wanted to point out why most of us say 'embryo donation.' 'Embryo adoption' is usually used by the people who want to make IVF illegal. They claim that because embryos may be destroyed, the procedure should be banned. This is something that worries me.)

I wish you the very best of luck.

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(Login CrazyLady42)

Thanks for the clarification

February 10 2012, 10:01 AM 

and for the support, TSB...


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(Login Blessed_Thistle)

Yes, my thought is that you can't adopt hope (kids mentioned)

February 10 2012, 10:30 AM 

Embryos are a promise of the child to be...sometimes. Most of them simply are not going to become children. Personally, I don't think that means that they are not human at conception but I did not adopt five embryos in any sense. Yes, regarding now the two children I have, I feel an adopter's sense of endless gratitude toward the donating family and their egg donor, I think. But at that time, what they donated to me was hope of motherhood imho.

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(Login CrazyLady42)

Just lovely

February 10 2012, 5:29 PM 

a very lovely philosophy... thanks for sharing

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(Login Chrismal2)

I was not single going into DE IVF

February 10 2012, 5:45 AM 

But my dh died when I was 6 months pregnant. I can fully understand you wanting a baby, it's not selfish, your baby will understand when he/she is older and you really deserve and need someone to love. it certainly makes life worth living. ((()))

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(no login)

Death of spouse mentoned above nt

February 10 2012, 6:49 AM 

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(Login CrazyLady42)


February 10 2012, 10:03 AM 

I forgot to put that in my Message Title. I edited it...

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(Login CrazyLady42)

Thanks E&H

February 10 2012, 10:05 AM 

I DO remember your story... it does get easier right?

((hugs)) to you

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(no login)

go for it

February 10 2012, 9:31 AM 

Not selfish at all. I have also always wanted to be a mother, and I still would have tried (with or without a husband). Best of luck to you in building your family! I think you'll find lots of support on these boards, and in real life as well happy.gif

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(no login)

Hey back

February 10 2012, 10:27 AM 

I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. I, too, lost DH but have two LOs, including one born after his passage. Let us know what type of support you need. Keep us posted.

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(no login)

Glad to have you back

February 10 2012, 10:39 AM 

I think going on vacation was a great thing for you to try and relax and recovery from the last few months. I do not think having a baby as a single woman is selfish at all but just the opposite.

I am glad that you are thinking about your options and future plans as plans are exciting.

happy.gifhappy.gifhappy.gif FB

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Maggie in VA
(Login maggie1961)

I was older than you + thought I'd be a single mom . . .

February 10 2012, 11:24 AM 

As my DH gave me an ultimatum of him or kids when I realized I regretted not having them. Yes, it is an awesome decision, wondering whether it's fair to a child to become a mother when you know your chances of re-partnering (at least, with a man; I had some flexibility there) are slender. And I was not a "kid" person, one of the things that had inhibited me about having children when younger.

But, honestly, at my age (47 at the time), I did not have time to ponder those things for long. I was already too old to adopt, my first choice, from most sources. I would be aging out of my first clinic's guarantee program in a matter of months (turned out to be irrelevant). And if I had meekly submitted to all my husband's demands in ending our marriage and waited to cycle, I might have aged out of the DE program for the Czech clinic I used as the government imposed a lower maximum age.

You have to work with hand life deals you, and I wouldn't be so sure you'll be single forever. I think I read a statistic that over a quarter of the children born in the U.S. now are to single mothers. It's not optimal, but you and your kids will be far from alone. You have endured much and are not doing anything frivolously. I don't think you should deprive yourself of the joy of motherhood under your circumstances, and I think your children are going to be happy and well-loved.

Take care,

Maggie (in VA)

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(Login CrazyLady42)

so sweet, thanks Maggie

February 10 2012, 5:39 PM 

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