PLS. HELP w/Advice...making myself crazy/depressed & sick/sad...
February 17 2012 at 8:50 AM
Anon4this (no login)
I am making myself sick with sadness and depression NOT knowing what the next step in this long ttc road of over 12 years now should be for myself & dh....
G. carrier is way too expense for us...
adoption is expense too with alot of risk....
have No idea where to begin with foster care with option to adopt...
have embryos for another FET cycle BUT cannot bare the thought of another BFN, m/c, late m/c, premature birth or any other scary life tragedy again!!! my heart and body can NOT handle it anymore.
dh & I want our dream of a baby BUT I don't know at this point what road to go down, what to do!! and I CANNOT GIVE UP on this dream, everytime I try to convince myself that this dream is never going to happen and I should move on with my life and forget it...something within me won't let me give up!!
PLEASE HELP again with any advice & support...my life is at a stand still everyday filled with tears/sadness and thoughts/memories of what could have
I'm sorry you're in so much pain, this tcc stuff can really lay us flat. It's so hard. no one knows what's right for you except you, in terms if whether to let it go or not. It sounds like you want to proceed, but don't have the strength or courage right now. That's normal and understandable and OK. maybe you need a break. Maybe take time to heal from the past pains. Take a month and focus on healing and relaxing and exercising and having fun, all the things you enjoy and give you energy and remind you what's great about life. Maybe after that, doing the fet will feel bearable. Our maybe more than a month. sometimes taking time out to regroup and restore your energy is the best way of reach your ultimate destination.
I don't have any advice about foster care to adopt our the other options you're thinking about, but I'm sure others will.
Hang in there!
This message has been edited by hopefulindelaware on Feb 18, 2012 3:11 PM
First, I really agree with Hopeful in Delaware that maybe you need to take a break. If you've been through all the things you mention above, no wonder you're so sad and exhausted. I wish I could give you a hug and a cup of tea and we could sit down and talk. I think you posted before, right? If so, I still hope you'll go talk on the green board, because those ladies' experience could really help you figure out where you want to go.
Our county has monthly information sessions for women and couples hoping to foster to adopt. You might want to find out whether your country has some similar kind of orientation. If you're in your late forties (assuming you were the PP I mentioned), yeah, you have limited options; I went through the same thing in that regard. You either do DE w/your own womb, use a GC, adopt an older child internationally, or foster-to-adopt through social services. and most of those kids will be older, too.
You haven't shared in more detail about your ttc history, and that's your prerogative, but it makes it harder to make suggestions. Is your RE and/or OB/GYN saying they think you should hang it up? If not, hard as it is, your best option is to try again with your body. But I truly understand if you feel like you cannot think about that now/yet/ever.
You have been drained and drained and drained again with all this tragedy and disappointment and frustration.
So first on your list has to be doing something that rejuvenates you in some way. I don't mean makes you happy or takes away all the pain. We all know that's not reality. But just something that restores your mojo for the remaining battles ahead.
Remember when our mothers, or whoever, would say "things will look better in the morning"? Well that's because everyone understands that exhaustion renders us all incapable of coping with whatever tasks are before us. So you have to rest up a bit first.
I know how hard that is because you want to be doing something to achieve your goal and it's hard to believe that rest is doing something. But it is. Furthermore, you can always do "active resting." That means you ARE doing things but they are things that restore your spirit.
For me that would be taking hot baths, going swimming when the pool is empty at a non busy time at the gym. Going to the fabric store or the crafts store and wandering around. Going to the book store. Going for a long walk. Renting a comedy. This is my list but you should think about your own list.
Speaking of lists - I am a big list person. I make lists. That's how I cope. I spent a decade and three failed donor cycles before we finally used a GS and yes, it is as expensive as hell and there went our retirement as well as our house fund.
What I would do is take several pieces of paper and put titles at the top of them. Like, in your situation, one paper would be entitled "Raising Funds," and "Foster Adopt" and another would be "Adopt" and another would be "Donor Embryos/Donor Egg" and another would be "Gestational Surrogacy." Even though you said you can't afford it, DO NOT rule it out yet. A saying that really got me through a lot of bumps in the road is "Just because I can't see the solution doesn't mean there isn't one." I'd have another page entitled "Personal Soul Restoration."
Then on each paper, write a clearly readable list of all the things you have to do to gather information on these topics. It could be "google foster parenting" or "google compassionate surrogacy." It could be "call the adoption support group." And on the personal restoration page, it could be the things you want to do to restore your spirit, a list of friends you can rely on as well as people and things you should avoid for the timebeing or maybe forever.
I have to tell you, it is AMAZING how much something like this can clear your head and make you feel in control again. Just doing one thing on your many lists can give you a burst of energy.
Don't give up. That persistent voice urging you to continue is the soul of some little baby or babies and you can give them heck when they get here!
ETA: I took for granted that you already know you will need a GS, but as someone else pointed out, you haven't given us details of your medical situation so I don't know if it's appropriate to question that assumption. I have severe Asherman's (scar tissue) and yet following the unusual advice of a new RE resulted in me getting pregnant, though I miscarried - not sure if it was a bad embryo or poor uterine blood supply. Also have known people who had repeated implantation failures until they had a endo biopsy reviewed by Dr. Harvey Kliman at Yale, who does a special progesterone protocol. Then there's the whole immune theory of implantation failure. Then there are occult sperm issues (something that affected us also but we were able to bypass it with a surgical procedure). So there is a lot that we just don't know about your journey! Hope this helped.
This message has been edited by biogal on Feb 17, 2012 7:54 PM
I'm sorry you are feeling bad, and no wonder. You've gotten some great advice here. I would just add that if you think you might be clinically depressed, please talk to your doctor ASAP. And even if your symptoms don't warrant medication (or you prefer to avoid medication while ttc), a good therapist can be really helpful while on this roller coaster. It doesn't mean anything is "wrong" with you. I have a great therapist whom I saw for several years, then stopped, and then started seeing again when the infertility journey began.
and I won't give you a lot of advice about things to do to take your mind off of it, or ways to stay positive, etc. when I used to get that kind of advice, basically it made me feel worse as it highlighted the fact that I could have cared less about myself and being positive, I WANTED A BABY and that was THE only thing that was going to put my life and mind back in order.
what I will share with you is my story, in shorthand, and PLEASE realize, while I know not everyone finds success, I do think that if you stay the course, stay relentless in your pursuit of a family, if you don't give up ever, a person really can achieve this against the worst of odds. you just have to lock your jaw and fight to the finish, so to speak.
we tried for very nearly 12 years, most of our entire marriage. we had four natural m/cs on our own. a failed OE IVF, a failed fresh DE IVF, yet another m/c with a frozen DE IVF and THEN I said, HOLD ON A MINUTE!!! basically I 'forced' our clinic to perform CGH on our remaining frozen DE embryos. these really good quality embryos that so far had not worked. turns out of the remaining we had, some were normal, some were not normal, even with those good (old) young eggs. my RE actually tried to talk me out of doing it, I insisted it be done. IMO, I think they knew, that I knew, that I had figured out what I believe is the key to ANY IVF success and THAT IS, identifing NORMAL embryos BEFORE they are EVER transferred into a woman's body!
end of the story? we have our hands full now with a beautiful set of twins (after TERRIBLE struggle, depression, stress, debt, hopelessness, grief, deep seething sorrow, the list could go on, etc.), and very shortly are going to go back to transfer yet another NORMAL CGH embryo with the honest to goodness sureness that likely we WILL be having another child. happy endings CAN and DO happen and we ARE living proof of it.
GL to you, stay the course, find a way, and look into CGH on any embryo you transfer, fresh or frozen, for the 5-6K that the test can run as high as, again IMO, money WELL WORTH SPENT!
ps. oh and guess what, like a light switched on, our lives and minds are back in order, in fact life is brand new again and ALL OF IT that came before is like a bad dream forgotten with the arrival of morning light.
I really feel for as I've been exactly where you are so know how hard it is.
Honey you have embies. Have a wee break, get anything sorted that needs sorting, and then do FET. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Go into a cycle with a 'if it works it works if not then thats ok'. Just take the pills, do whatever you are told to and see how it goes.
What about surrogacy somewhere like Kuala Lumpur (where it is cheaper)?
YOu have not run out of options. I know you are in a flurry right now but that will pass (with a little time). Allow yourself to get over things.
I can hear that you will not give up on your dream of a babe so honey just do the FET.
I know ttcing and failing is the pits but you have to be cycling to even have a chance... think about it. You will be ok. To come this far you are already made out of steel!
best wishes to you, THK
Twelve years is such a long time to be on this journey, you must me an incredibly strong person. I agree with what the pp's have said is that it sounds like you need a break but it also sounds like you are not ready to give up on your dream. Are you and your dh able to plan a a vacation or something and just leave the IF stuff behind for a little bit? Or maybe a more mini reprive...treat yourself to a massage, pedicure, or anything yoiu would enjoy. I agree with Jen's advice about being evaluated by a medical professional to determine if you are clinically depressed. A couple of years ago my MD did determined I was clinically depressed due to my situation and suggested a trial of prozac and insisted I see a counselor. The "vitamin P" as I call it did help me to get through that really rough patch and I found a great counselor (after I had one really bad visit with another counselor who was a DE mom herself). I stopped taking the prozac last summer because there was a small research study that showed and increased prevalence of autism spectrum disorders in women that have taken this class of drugs (SSRI's) three months prior to pregnancy and in the first trimester. Prior to that study they were considered safe. My OB/gyn prescribed them. Because of my work with my counselor I was able to develop some coping strategies (meditation, use of some cognitive behavioral techniques, and learning to "take care of me" and not feel guilty) and I'm doing okay without the Vitamin P. I went in to the whole process of counseling as a skeptic but now view it as invaluable. I continue to see this counselor and it is very helpful especially during the really stressful and anxiety provoking times of cycling and other life stressors. Another thing I found helpful was reading the book So Close by Tertia Albertyn. It is a story of one woman's IF journey (OE) but she is extremely articulate in describing the emotional issues of this journey and I found reading it very validating. Please take care of yourself and come back here for support as needed.
I think the pp have given you a lot of good advice and I just wanted to second the idea of speaking with a therapist and giving yourself a "break" even if it is just for a month or so.
Both of those things help me when I was in the throws of depression (after my last mc) that was making my entire life seem black.
I also really like the idea of making lists and writing things down. Sometimes the depression can be so paralyzing that even this seems difficult. But just getting the confusion out of your head down and on a piece of paper can bring some calm.
You've been through so much (failed cycles mentioned)
February 18 2012, 12:35 PM
The best advice I got from this board after my last failed cycle was to take a break. I was so confused and heartbroken and convinced that I was at the end of the road and would never try again to become a mother.
I took break and it really renewed my spirit (and my body). Then I was able to formulate a new plan. I am trying once more by adopting embryos and then (whether or not I am successful with the embies) I am going to adopt another child (maybe 3-7 years old). For me, both of these options are wonderful paths to motherhood AND substantially less expensive than the other options available to me.
Let yourself heal, love, then hope can find its way back.