I have tried to be calm and hopeful, but not be overly optimistic this cycle, to protect my feelings amidst so much trauma and loss in recent days.
But I guess it is impossible, because for the last several days I have been very bloated and crampy, and even had a pink spot show up from suppository insertion a couple of days ago. But today all the symptoms just disappeared. And then, we read about the propecia FDA warning, and are worried...I don't know what my husband or I were thinking -- he should have gone off it for this cycle (I never wanted him on it in the first place), and now the FDA warning makes me worry about our embryos.
I am so frustrated, because we could have used the vetted propecia free frozen sperm from 2 years ago...
I just don't know how I will deal with another loss if this does not work out. And if it does not, I will really have no hope for the FET, because I will really have lost any faith that we are ever going to have this work. And I still have Saturday, Sunday and Monday to get through before the beta.
Feeling really down now, and wishing I could call my Mom and chat with her...but that will never happen again.
How to get through this? It's bad enough without everything else going on.
I can't even distract myself because I have 0% concentration.
what you are going through.
But I do know you are one helluva...tough woman....cos you've survived so much already.
You will get through this honey...
and I suspect your Mum will help you with the next few days like she always has..
it is so hard to pick yourself up to move in a positive direction. I am so sorry you are feeling blue. I am sending you hugs and a(virtual) glass of wine/cup of tea.
This isn't the place for me to tell you think positive about your cycle because anyone who has walked in our shoes knows the reality of the situation. It ::should:: work. And then sometimes it doesn't.
On the other hand it might be ok to reflect on the blessing of having another chance at it. Allowing yourself to stop worrying is a gift you can give to yourself. The die is cast, so to speak. You have done everything you can. You are strong and brave even if you don't feel it at this moment.
If the weather is nice try to make sure you get out and get some sun on your face. A small walk in a pretty place lifts my spirits enough at stressful times that my brain stops torturing me for a minute. And if that doesn't work treat yourself to chocolate.
This message has been edited by Seymo on Apr 13, 2012 7:43 PM
to hurt so much. You really have had to deal with a lot of suffering and difficulty and as if the 2ww in an of itself is not torturous. Try and trust you have done all that can be done and as Seymo said, the die has been cast, what will be will be. A large part of the absolute difficulty of this IF journey is hoping desparately but ultimately knowing we don't know and it's not up to us. If you can, take it one moment at a time and be gentle with yourself. Thinking of you and sending you big (((HUGS))
Your feelings are legite. I myself worry or even scare to try another cycle. But I have to be strong for my wish and dream. We are trying everything that we can. Try to distract yourself watch movie or go to movie theatre, book store, ...
Take care of yourself.
I know...a trite answer. But maybe something like that can really take you away for a couple of hours. Some escapism would do you good right now imho. Hang in there. I can't imagine how hard things are for you now. Praying Tuesday brings beautiful news.
This message has been edited by Blessed_Thistle on Apr 13, 2012 10:46 PM
How do you know that pink spotting was from the suppository? I always think that's a good sign. I hope in your case it is. I am not at all religious but I do have some beliefs and I believe that when a loved one is lost a new life begins in that family. No amount of stress will affect your little embryos growing. Wish I was there to hold your hand. The 2ww is h@ll at the best of times but for you this one is even worse. Big hugs to you and dh (()))
I hate that this is so difficult for you now. I know that the loss of your mum must be one of the hardest things to have to deal with, especially at this time. I really have no words except to say that I love you and you are loved by so many women on this board that you have been there for in so many wonderful ways. You are not alone, no matter how much you feel this way now.
Of course it's hard. (parental death, failure to conceive mentioned)
April 14 2012, 3:33 AM
((Minniet)) No one should have to go through the stress you are right now. It is a horrible time in your life.
When my dad died, I was in the 2 ww for IUI with donor sperm and had a major gyn infection. Really nasty. My RE didn't want me to take antibiotics so just prescribed me a vaginal creme because of the 2ww (big mistake) and the infection went to my hip. I was in the US, far from home and doctors my insurance would cover, couldn't walk without limping, and mourning the very sudden loss of my dad, who died without waking up the day after I arrived at the hospital. I was supposed to lie down after taking the vaginal creme but spent the time standing next to Dad. I ended up getting a blocked tube from that.
I do know how hard it is. And it is. Your feelings are justified. I really think what you need to do now is to survive each day. Do the things that need doing, eat, take your meds, try to get outside for a little while each day. Sleep when you can, my friend.
If you need to talk, please email me. X y 7@ g m x.n et
If you send me a phone number, I will call you, too.
If I don't hear from you, that's OK, too. No pressure. It's only if you want to. The offer is always there.
Hugs to you. A LOT of people are wishing you well. We're on your side.
You have so much on your plate right now, it just seems so unfair. You are a strong person and have been through so much and I'm confident you will get through this too. I agree with the pp about trying to watch a movie or something that doesn't really require much effort concentration. If it doesn't distract you maybe in will put you to sleep and you can get some rest. Have you ever done any meditation? I find it helpful. Also for what it is worth, I think the spotting you had is a good sign. I was freaking out last weekend at this time because of spotting. I wish that there was something I could say or do to help you get through this. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I really hope next week you get some good news.
I hardly get on line anymore but I just saw your sad news. I am so sorry that you are going through this. My beloved Dad died 6 weeks before I gave birth. The stress was so bad I ended up in the hospital. I can't sugar coat the loss. I still miss my Dad so much every day.
But I can tell you that during my cycle I had NO SYMPTOMS. It was a pretty stressful and crazy cycle with a lot of personal stuff going on. I didn't do bed rest (due to other personal circumstances) and I really feared that I blew it. I had already had multiple m/c's and I pretty much gave up. Frankly I said F%&k it and I went on long walks on the beach, went out at night with friends and stayed out late. And I ended up with a bfp. I know that this is not always the case but for sure having ZERO symptoms is a sign of nothing at all.
My suggestion is to see some movies or rent a whole series of a tv show you have wanted to watch. Get outside and stroll (gently). In the beginning when I though of my Dad it just made me cry but I do promise that a day will come when you will be able to think of good times and it will make you smile again. (And yes some days cry again.) I am sending you my most positive thoughts that this cycle ends with a bfp for you!
Thank you again ladies for your unyielding support and good suggestions. I guess there will just be bad days, and while today is not a good day, I do not feel as down as yesterday.
I got up, blew my hair out, got decently dressed, went shopping and did some errands. I am just puttering, trying to clean the house. I also got some acupuncture, which was relaxing and took up a lot of time.
My beta is not until Tuesday, but I think I am going to tell them I want it done Monday, as that is a day I have access to my husband and Tuesday is a busy day. It seems silly to wait until Tuesday for the beta, I don't know why...the clinic seems to have shifted from testing early to testing much later than most, I do not know why.
Good you have posted about this.
One cycle I was literally beside myself and then some. I went to the movies and saw one movie and then about 20 mins later I saw another movie.
Total distraction my gel