Well, I started bleeding today and am having bad cramps, so it is starting to be over at least. The beta was still hanging on (though still very very low) yesterday, with high progesterone, so I am glad to start bleeding today.

My doctor's office actually has a surrogate all ready to go, which another couple had found, brought to the clinic, and then the other couple's sister offered to surro, so they are not using this surro. Our clinic is arranging for us to talk to her, and this would allow us to not have the added agency fee on top of everything else. We may be able to proceed with this. My friend has not responded.

The next question is the quality of our donor and her eggs...

I am scared that the couple ahead of us not only failed their fresh, but also failed their frozen. Combining this with our cycle, it may be that our donor was a total failure as a donor...which would be heartbreaking for us all. I called on our agency, but I think I am going to let my clinic nurse get the details.

I already contacted the agency last week to tell them what happened, and to let them know in case anyone else was considering this donor...and they really were a bit noncommittal in their response to me. If I find out that they are allowing this donor to proceed with another couple and I also find out the previous couple had a failed frozen cycle, well...I will definitely share with you all this information so that you will be informed about the agency. At the least, it would be disingenuous for them to continue to list her.

I can't even imagine getting hopeful about a surrogate actually getting pregnant...but at least we can distance ourselves from it to some extent, as it will not be happening to my body.

I don't know if I can hope for anything good happening to us ever again. But I can go through the motions and keep trying as best as we can.

Working on plan B was the only thing that ever helped e get over any of the failures. How great that your clinic gave you the heads up on the surrogate. I hope AF passes quickly. I hope you are also abe to get some answers the agency. Take are of yourself. (hug)

Going through the motions, that is. I'll bet you're pretty numb from all of this. I assume you guys cannot afford the time and money to find a new donor AND use a surro. I know that price tag is astronomical. Are you at all open to donor embryo? You may have spoken about this previously so forgive me if you have. If the other couple has a negative on their FET and it looks like the egg quality sucks, if you can't afford fresh cycle with new donor and there are some stellar embryos out there from someone else's cycle...that could be a solution that is more affordable if you can deal with no genetic to either of you. Had our DE cycle failed and we didn't have any other embryos to work with, we likely would have done donor embryo. Hang in there honey. I'm so, so sorry.

I think I may have suggested this but am not sure. I would have been hard-pressed to find donors as bright and accomplished (both MENSA types with advanced degrees - with nothing to gain by fabricating) as the two I ended up with via donor embryo. I am glad I did not see pictures prior to choosing because what if they'd dissauded me despite all that was so right from choosing the embies? Pictures just don't give a very good idea as to what someone looks like and maybe I would have thought, "no thanks" and missed out on two gorgeous, bright, funny kids. For everything including all meds, local monitoring, flying out for mock cycle, hotel etc, I spent just $8000. It's an option to think about anyway should it turn out that this donor simply can't deliver.

M, well done you for being so proactive. See what your nurse says about the embies and quality. See what the other people's backgrounds are in relation to what is wrong with them and why they haven't gotten pg in the past. It may have nothing to do with the embies.
See how you go and keep us informed. If a surro is available now and you can do it financially then go for it.
Stay strong we are here for you. very proud of you M
best, THK

Oh Minniet, I am so very sorry for how terrible you feel right now.  I know my situation is different but I have been in a place where I too wondered "if I can hope for anything good happening to us ever again."  For all that has happened to you lately it is so understandable.  Please do keep going through the motions as best as you can and do your best to take care of yourself.  One day it WILL be your turn.  As always, my thoughts are with you.

Pandora

I am proud of you for going through the motions. For getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other to your child.

You are an inspiration. Please know that.
Violet

I wish I could feel proud of myself, but I really feel like I need to hide this from most everyone except this board. I am afraid I am fulfilling every notion of "craziness" anyone might feel about me.

It's not that I had cancer, or a hysteroscopy, or have lupus, I am just too weak and mysteriously flawed to carry a baby. I kill the embryos that are placed in me -- I feel like I fall in a different category from women most people would or could feel empathy for.

We really believed it would work, and told my husband's family. I am embarrassed.

I also feel like many of my friends and family feel like I should have given up on this by now and adopted (they have no clue about how things work). I do have many supportive family and friends, but all I can think about is how I would have looked at myself -- I think I would have really thought I was crazy and weird (until you walk in someone's shoes..).

I also truly have lost faith that any of this will work, but I can't give up. So I do not know what to do.

I am not totally comfortable with donated embryos as a step after this fails, but I can't really imagine my dh being ready to do that at any point.

I can't remember how many failed cycles you have done but know it must be quite a few. I know you can't give up, I think the women on this board are the most tenacious women I have had the pleasure of "meeting". Just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel embarrassed as it really isn't your fault or lack of will that this has failed. I also want to say that its not always good embryos that make babies (I can personally vouch for that). I just hope you find success one way or another soon. I know its awful to fail time and time again - I never thought I'd be successful when I was embarking on fresh cycle number 13 but it was lucky for some! Good luck with however you decide to proceed. (((())))

Dearest Minnet,
I've thought exactly those thoughts you write about. It is your choice and nobody elses whether you continue to ttc - don't listen to others and what they say as they are not going through what you are. Don't feel embarassed easier said than done.
You will get there M just hang in there. I know you will be on the pink soon. I just know it, best to you, THK

And I admire you. I wish you peace as you heal and hope as you mover forward toward your dream in a brave new way.