And my Dad told me something that stuck with me. Having a child does not make you a parent. Raising a child does.
In my experience, once I was pregnant I knew this baby inside me was my baby and those feelings left me. Not sure if it is the same for everyone. Regardless, no matter how a child comes to you: by being pregnant, by gestational carrier, by adoption - this child is yours to parent. GL!
we would only be that if we were giving the child to other parents
June 18 2012, 2:28 PM
But since we aren't, the baby is ours. There really is no difference in how much this child is 'our' child than in how someone else's is. This child would never exist if we, the parents, hadn 't gone to great measures to create him or her.
No, I never felt like a gestational carrier. Wishing you the best of luck.
It was so hard to grasp that these were actually MY babies I was carrying. I think that they came from donor embryos with five full siblings elsewhere did not help me feel like they were mine. And I had no pictures and very limited physical description of the donors. It was all very surreal and just as I was starting to feel like they were really mine, maybe, I was in the hospital trying not to give birth at 24 weeks - I lasted 8 days. Then of course nothing mattere but that these little people I had brought into the world should live and the disconnect during pregnancy became a nonissue. But yes, it was hard.
Thankfully, not at all - From the second I saw a pic of the embryo I felt like it was "mine" and even now (15 weeks) I say "my baby this, my baby that" and then I look at my husband and correct myself - "our baby" - don't want him to feel left out (ha)!
I never felt that way. I have posted this before on the pink board but now that I have my DD I would not trade her for anything. If you told me I could go back and have a baby with my DNA but the catch is that I could not have my DD, that is a non-starter. She is the baby I was meant to have. Others may not have felt this but I bonded with her from the beginning. In total, I had 15 embies transferred into me over 4 fresh and 2 frozen transers (4 OE embies and and 11 DE embies) and I felt like all of them were my babies. It did not matter OE vs. DE -- they were mine and I wanted all of them. I had some agnst right after my OE IVF did not work but once I started working on my DE cycles, it felt no different to me. I was not a GC, I was a mommy trying to get her baby.
This message has been edited by JuJules on Jun 18, 2012 3:24 PM
The only time I was pregnant with OE was before we had really started to try to have a baby. I was nervous and scared but excited that the "decision" to "try" had been made for us. Unfortunately, the pregnancy ended in a m/c at 14 weeks. The big surprise came when we tried to get pregnant again right away and found out how difficult it would be.
Three years and many failed IVF cycles later,we moved on to using IVF with DE. When I finally accepted that we were not going to be able to have a child with my eggs, I was devastated. Literally heartbroken and thought the grieving would never end. It took the better part of a year to fully accept the reality and even then, I was nervous about using DE.
I was one of the lucky ones who found success on the first try and first cycle with DE. I was terrified the entire pregnancy that something would go wrong but I had a healthy baby who is the most wonderful child I could have ever imagined.
You will find a lot of support and empathy on this board. I am sorry for your infertility that has brought you here but glad that you found this safe place to ask questions.
Not at all and I can say that I have been on both sides of the OE and DE fence (OE ment)
June 18 2012, 6:47 PM
I gave birth to 2 OE kids in the past and turned to DE after 5 OE m/c's (3 b/t kids and 2 afterwards). I got pg w/ twins from my first DE cycle in Dec and those babies felt the exact same as my OE babies and no difference at all except that I m/c'd the twins one at 9 wks and the other at 14 wks. I can tell you that my twin pg was much harder on my body than my singleton pregnancies but those babies really felt the same.
I can only hope that I get another chance to bring a baby into the world. Please believe that it does not matter. I have said this before that I never once thought about my OE kids as OE kids until my fertility failed over and over again and I was introduced to DE.
My daughter looks like me (only recently and she is 7) and my son looks like DH but I hardly ever think about it as I am too busy raising them. All my family cares about is having another person to love to complete our family as someone is missing.
I like TSB post that we are only surrogates if we give our child away.
I can see how you would bring that up, and how some could feel that way, but I always felt like their "real" mother. "Mothering" does not just happen in-utero, either. It is a verb, and it entails the actual caring for and raising of the child (so women who need to use both a gestational carrier and an egg donor are still the mother!). Carrying the child does make you the biological if not genetic mother. For me, that meant a lot, and I would have been sadder using my eggs and a carrier than using someone else's eggs and my own uterus. Having had an OE child, for me, pregnancy was very important and in fact the most important part. My kids may not end up feeling that way. Time will tell.
This message has been edited by doglvr on Jun 18, 2012 9:27 PM
I have the double whammy of needing DE and a GC, but the child that arrives will be 100% mine. In fact, we when we had a miscarriage a few months ago, the GC was fine. I, on the other hand, was completely grief stricken because it was my baby who died. My loss was very deep - I couldn't work or function for a couple of weeks. In fact, I didn't know how much I could love a child until she wasn't alive anymore.
I had worry thoughts throughout my entire pregnancy and was very aware I had used DE instead of OE. But very soon after my DS was born I fell totally in love with him and I am his mother and he is my baby. While I was pregnant I did everyhing I could to be responsible and take good care of the little growing baby. But both during pregnancy and childbirth I did not feel it was my baby. Now that he is here I just love him and am so happy he is here
Now when I think about my frosties I think they are 100% mine and my responsibility. My perspective changed entirely after birth. It's ok that you feel sad about feeling like a gestational carrier now. You will feel like a mommy when you hold and care for your baby. That feeling grows every day as you forget the sad pregnancy thoughts. And from reading responses on the board, many women don't have the sad thoughts at all. They are just so happy to finally be pregnant.
This message has been edited by Raindrops1 on Jun 19, 2012 2:06 AM
Well I have carried my oe babies and my de babies...more but pg/child ment
June 19 2012, 4:40 PM
and I felt the same each time...maybe even more connected to my de babies as we went through so much to bring them onto the earth. I can understand how some women may feel this or even think this way especially if they haven't carried a baby to full term and delivered one before. There is something that happens biologically to make us feel very attached to our babies...I really don't know how surrogates deal with this endorphin loving hormone but they just must have a really strong conviction LONG before the transfer that they are just carriers...or offering womb service but they do have tremendous impact the on the formation of the baby and with the study of epigentics we now know that biological mothers turn off and on certain genetics in the baby.
For me though I felt connected to the spirit of my babies long before they came to earth...I just needed to find a way to bring them to being and whether that was via surrogacy or using donor eggs I knew that they were my babies....thankfully I was able to find a donor and I had the wonderful experience of carrying them, labouring and delivery them but I also believe the comment one of our posters said that her father shared...that we become mothers when raising our children.
The time when we are pg...or our babies are even very small is such a brief time in terms of a life and it is the long haul where we become mothers and our children become our children...although have you ever read that quote by Kahlil Gibran...about children...that they aren't really ours...they come through us but our not of us....I love this poem b/c it's so true....we are spirits first on an earthly journey and how we come into the world isn't as important as what we do once we get here....and that of course applies to us as mothers...we are all mothers...we are all creators whether we use our eggs...or our womb for that matter...who is dreaming these babies into the world after all?
Hopefully you will be able to process your feelings and changing your perspective will help you be more joyfilled about the thoughts of carrying your baby..using de's.
There was a blog from a GC on BabyCenter, and there were comments from some other GCs after. The one thing they seemed to agree on was that the medical nature of the procedure that impregnated them and the lack of genetic connection created an emotional distance for them. Ouch!
Now, since my kids are double donor-conceived, I'm in no different position biologically toward my kids than a GC. For all the partnered women using their partner's sperm, I don't see how you could feel like a GC. For my own part, I wanted the children inside me so desperately, I don't think I ever felt like anything but their mother during pregnancy.
When I had some problems was at birth. I ended up needing a c-section, and I had been in induction for eleven hours with pe, and then I reacted badly to the anesthesia for the c-section, so they basically showed me each baby as he was removed and checked out and then they whisked me off to bed and the kids to the nursery. When they brought them in the next morning, I looked in the bassinet and thought, "Wow, I had someone else's children."
But scientists believe that human women are evolutionarily programmed to care for other women's children, so that took over, and I became their mother again. You might feel like a GC intermittently, but bear in mind that plenty of women who conceive naturally with their OE sometimes feel a sense of distance or alienation from the baby they're carrying, too.
being pg and giving my babies life was very important to me! it was my contribution to them and their very exsistence. it's a huge and critical piece of the puzzle and I am thankful, and proud, I was able to do it and have a healthy pg and successful delivery. I GAVE them life, I grew them in my body, the whole experience was worth every tear cried for over a decade. don't doubt it, embrace it.