Thinking About DEJune 18 2012 at 3:00 PM
|Jennifer (Login Jennifer1970nyc)|
Im thinking about DE after 4 failed ivf's (1 got to retrieval)
Any support on how you feel about the donor egg is appreciated, any regrets after the fact, will it feel like my baby? DE vs adoption (which Ive researched is prohibitively expensive..)Please respond would love to talk about it with others going through the same thing!
|June 18 2012, 3:27 PM |
There's a great book - Insider's Guide to Egg Donation - I wish it were out when I was trying to decide, as it's really helpful.
I am 15 weeks pregnant after my 1st DE cycle and all my IVF OE cycles were converted to IUI....
I have absolutely no regrets - I am so happy we moved forward with this - totally feels like "my baby" and I'm thrilled to be pregnant and start a family.
We looked into adoption as well - DE was more expensive, but it was the right fit for us. I like to be in charge and have control - with DE the intended parents search through hundreds of donors and get to select who they would like as a donor. I found that adoption was the complete opposite - Intended parents put out a profile to attract a birth mother and then the birth mother chooses the parents - As an intended parent you go from having many, many choices with donors to having very little choice with adoption.
I've decided genetics are over-rated - my family history has quite a few health issues, so I really feel like I'm doing my child a favor. I joke with my friends that we're having a super baby - awesome genetic background from the donor, and then all the nice non-genetic qualities from my husband and I will make a super baby
Wow thats really helpful, thank you for sharing that Im getting closer but not there yet. My partner and I aren't married which makes adoption even tougher..So you elected to be very open about it? I think I would do that too. Its so hopeful to hear how you feel now...Do you plan to have siblings with the same donor?
|This message has been edited by Jennifer1970nyc on Jun 18, 2012 9:46 PM|
|June 19 2012, 12:49 AM |
I'm fairly open - family all knows, and several close friends - friends who I know won't tell others, as it's mine to share. I had friends who thought I got really lucky to have my first IVF cycle work - so I just let them know it worked the 1st time around because we didn't use my crappy eggs
We have 2 embryos on ice - will definitely consider trying again someday for siblings - for now, just psyched to have one on the way.
|June 19 2012, 7:25 PM |
Hi, If you dont mind me asking what did you do to prepare for your DE cycle? Did you do meditation, yoga, change your diet, etc?
We are just about to start cycling with our donor so I've got about a month to prepare. Any suggestions would be great.
Also, which clinic did you do your IVF?
I tried OE for almost 5 years (child ment.)
|June 18 2012, 10:37 PM |
I was dead set against DE. I had multiple m/c's and basically every month I was under a doctors care either timed bd, IUI or IVF. Finally Dh put his foot down and said if I was going to ever move to DE t was now or never and he was done with fertility treatments. I felt boxed in a corner. I moved to DE so reluctantly and forcefully. Long story short after trying to settle on a donor for almost a year (a bunch fell through for different reasons) I jumped at one again from pressure (from the agency). Well flash forward. MY DS is the most amazing child. I am so lucky. He is smart, funny, beautiful kind. I could not wish for a better child. I would not trade him for any genetic child - I would not want a child other then him. We are going to try for #2 with frozens (if it works.) Mostly only because he is so awesome that we feel we must give life to another one of these incredible children. I cannot express enough how much I am GRATEFUL for my infertility so that this incredible person could come into my life. And again I was the one that was dragged into DE kicking and screaming!
I did look into adoption at the time I was moving onto DE. I friend of my husbands young teenage niece was pregnant and the two sets of parents convinced the kids to give the baby for adoption. We expressed interest and the niece wanted us to adopt so that there could still be a relationship and we were fine with that. But then right before birth she decided she wanted to keep the baby. (that her parents are now unhappily raising). The experience was very difficult for me (thinking I was getting this baby and then coming to terms with it not happening that I preferred the "control" of DE. GL to you in whatever you decide!
Thank you all
|June 19 2012, 7:35 AM |
Im thrilled to get these notes and filled with hope that my baby will come in whatever manner it is supposed to!
No regrets at all. (OE and DE child ment.)
|June 19 2012, 2:24 AM |
I was the most anxious person you have ever seen during my DE cycle and throughout much of my pregnancy. I was worried about everything. Would I love the child enough? Would the child fit into the family? The financial cost, my age, stress on my marriage, and on and on.
Once my DS was born I soon fell totally in love with him. It does not matter to me that we don't share genetics. I think he is perfect exactly the way he is and he is the baby I was meant to have. Once he was born he became 100 % my baby and yes he feels like my baby. But for me, he didn't feel like my baby until after he was born.
|Maggie in VA|
Adoption was my first choice . . .
|June 19 2012, 12:43 PM |
As a woman over 45, when I began to research adoption, I could see the chances of it happening were not that good, especially as I foresaw being a single mother. My marriage was in trouble, and I knew it would be a while till I could my household stabilized enough to pass a home study, etc. When my sister, who had facilitated the immigration work for international adoptions as a consular officer, suggested I look into fertility treatment, I was a bit incredulous (had heard of a number of celebrities giving birth at improbable ages, but didn't know anything about the details), but felt I didn't have anything to lose.
Yes, if you 1) choose lower cost clinics and 2) succeed relatively early on, DE is likely to be less expensive than adoption, certainly international adoption, which is far more limited today than in previous years due to the Hague Convention. My ttc costs came out to roughly $18K for two fresh cycles in the Czech Republic, including travel, which gave me twins on the second cycle plus some good frosties (unfortunately, the Czech Republic passed a law restricting DE treatment to women under 50, so I would have to get them shipped to another country to use them). $18K was the amount an adoption counselor mentioned to me as the likely cost to adopt a child from Haiti (pre-earthquake), the country that seemed the most friendly to older and single women in the western hemisphere, but reading the travails of adoptive parents trying to get their kids out of the country on a Haiti support forum made me anxious about attempting it.
Anyway, as for regrets, I mention some of my anxiety about using an anonymous donor in the thread above. Had I gone to S. Africa, I might have paid more, but could have had more control over my donors. Other than that, I had been wary of having kids when younger in part due to my medical history and my family's, which is brimming with mental illness, alcoholism, and autoimmune issues. So, yes, I do feel some sadness that my kids aren't genetically mine, but I worry more for them, and it's sort of impossible to carry a little human being around in your womb for nine months and not feel he or she is somehow part of you.
Maggie (in VA)
|This message has been edited by maggie1961 on Jun 20, 2012 12:12 PM|
|June 19 2012, 5:35 PM |
Just wanted to mention (since I was in a hurry when I first posted to you on the donor embryo board) that if you are interested in adoption, you might have some interest in donor embryos. It is like "adopting" an embryo and typically less expensive than regular adoption or donor egg if you go through a clinic rather than an agency. Just wanted to throw that out there. I also saw on the other board that you may be going to Dr. C.heck. It is also possible that he might be able to help you try with your OE again. Good luck with whatever you decide. The ladies on all these boards are very helpful.
Hi I have thought of Donor Embryo, I guess that would be like adoption! I would prefer it was at least linked to my partner but I will defintiely look into that as well. Im going to see Dr Check tomorrow and Dr Zhang on Saturday. I got scared off by the Cornell DE program as it costs 30K!
Zero regrets (babies ment)
|June 19 2012, 10:12 PM |
My kids are the best thing in my life. They are mine, through and through. I'm grateful my eggs didn't work. Wishing you all the best and success whatever road you choose.
Re; Zero regrets
|June 20 2012, 10:52 AM |
That is so Good to hear, I think i will feel that way too. I really do.
using DE and genetics, adoption ment.
|June 20 2012, 3:22 PM |
It is known fact that in any pregnancy, a tiny amount of the baby's DNA gets into your body and stays there. So in some ways, you would have a 'genetic link' to your baby, although a very small one.
I do not think DE is like adoption at all. That is why I refuse to deal with clinics who want patients to have a psychological evaluation, or want to involve a social worker. Also, these things cost extra money, and there is no guarantee the donation will work. We worked hard to keep our costs down.
|June 20 2012, 4:26 PM |
Our clinic required one session with a therapist and I was reluctant, but it was quite helpful and now I can see why it's required - it was really just to make sure my husband and I were on the same page about no tell or tell (TELL!) and to make sure we'd thought about a variety of topics related to DE. So many questions I would not have known to ask that she brought up and she helped us understand all the related terminology (egg donor is not a mother, etc...).
|June 20 2012, 5:35 PM |
My RE explained whatever medical terms that I needed to know. I also learned a lot just by going online and talking to other people. I already knew the egg donor was not the mom.
|June 20 2012, 6:37 PM |
That's super - my RE was just all about the science, which is totally fine, but sounds like you had a well rounded RE. My RE didn't get into the nitty gritty of what we were looking for in a donor, did we want future contact, what or how would we tell our child, would we tell our family, how might our child feel, etc... Our RE was focused on DE stats for his clinic.