I had an interesting conversation with DD when I took her swimming on Monday. We were in the pool and we were playing with a ball. She then said "Daddy and that lady were throwing me a ball in the pool last time." When I delved a little deeper (without showing that I was stressing), she told me that the lady came with them in the car, went to a cafe together and that DD took a photo with Daddy's iPhone of Daddy cuddling her.
When I confronted DH that afternoon after asking mum to take care of DD, he denied it all the way, but wouldn't let me see his phone. I started to wonder if Makenzie was confused, but her story hasn't changed and the comment about the phone pic was very specific. I think I would have to be pretty naiive to believe that nothing is going on huh?
I feel like an idiot now. I look back and the signs were there. I told him that I'm out, I'm done and when he's not around I truly believe that, but every time he comes to see DD, it all melts away and I just want him back.
I'm so sorry that so many of you have gone through this. I guess I thought everything would just work it's self out and that I wouldn't become another statistic, another failed marriage. That's my reality now though and I have to accept it.
I was never really able to commit to anything socially, other than child friendly groups as DH is a police officer and works shift work, so I never had a solid day that I knew would be free each week. I do go to the gym although I put my back out two weeks ago so I can't even go there which is frustrating as it's the one thing I do that is just for me.
I have great friends and family that have been very supportive, but they have their own lives too and as much as they want to help, I can't keep calling on them when I'm really struggling.
I still want to try the counselling, but only because of DD to make sure we do what is best for her during our separation and potentially our divorce proceedings. That's the first time I've written the 'D' word in relation to my marriage, but it looks like it will be headed that way.
I've decided on a new mantra that I'm going to tell myself each day...
"He is just a man and one day I will get over him, but he will regret this decision when he realizes what he's lost"
I almost hope that I get over him before he realizes, just to stick it to him and make him sweat a bit. Is it so wrong though that I still really want him back even if it would be stupid to?
I am so sorry that your fears about DH were confirmed. I may have mentioned before that I've been divorced too, but cheating was not a factor. While I have no advice, I can say that there IS life on the other side, but you may not be ready to contemplate that now. You're in my thoughts.
Please be good to yourself. You will get through this. Remember you are not alone and sadly this sort of thing happens quite often. I recommend you start looking at your financial documents to make sure you know all your assets and debts. Find out what you should do to financially protect yourself. Document what has happened so you remember the details your DD has told you. You may want to consult with an attorney now to start getting things in order in case you decide to move forward with a divorce.
I suggest you remain as civil as possible to your DH. As angry as you may be you want to make things as smooth as possible. Don't add any fuel to the fire as it will increase any legal costs. Try to move all your energy into a positive direction for you and your DD. I'm sending you some positive thoughts.
I know you are a strong woman. You will get through this. You will come out the other side of it. It does get better each day and we are here for you 24/7.
I'm sorry you found out about things in such a way. Its never easy whatever way you found out about it though. Keep moving forward with what YOU want for you and your daughter.
Hugs to you honey, hold fast and stay strong. Always take the high moral ground as its like a forcefield around you of strength, thinking of you, THK
He is for treating his wife and child with such callous disregard.
and so is 'she' for getting involved with a man in this situation .
I'm so sorry.. Similar thing happened to me with a four year old.
Fast forward to now, I'm so glad he left cos my new DH could run rings around old DH in terms of being a decent human being. I'm testament to the fact that if it doesn't kill you it will make you strong.... You and M deserve so much better than this.... And it's totally normal for you to still be loving him as well... The heart moves slower than the braIn I reckon....
Keep taking one moment at a time....
so sorry it has taken this turn. Check with your cell phone service provider, they can pull up records of his call and texts. This could be a valuable bargaining tool in divorce court if you can prove he was cheating. My former DH was texting back and forth 80+ times a day with the other woman.Even if they delete the calls or texts they show up. Also called me multiple times a day to tell me he loved me, really was checking on where I was so he could be wherever he wanted to be doing whatever (whoever) he wanted without worrying where I was. Do check bank records, if he is lieing to you about the affair he will lie to you about this too. He has apparently made a new plan and the other woman will make sure he has funded it.
Please know that it is 100% normal that a part of you still wants him back. You love him and built a life together and have a child together. Don't feel bad for having normal feelings of attachment to him.
My DH's ex-wife left him for another man when the children were even younger than yours. She is still with the other man but wracked with guilt for being so selfish all these years later and it really affects her. DH and I now have a beautiful life together and no regrets. We have 50% custody of the children and this is a huge loss for her.
Whether your DH will get his sh*t together and come back to you or not, I still think you should keep focussing on taking care of yourself and DD. I'm sure you know that one day the pain will abate, you will heal and you will be happy again, probably with a much better man. Sorry it is so horrible right now.
I think counselling is always helpful to help sort out your feelings at turbulent times. Someone who can help lift the burden. Funnily enough, I posted the data on a counsellor just a few days ago. She does appointments by phone and specializes in infertility, relationships, family issues and is only $100.00 per hour which is a great price (although your insurance may not cover her). However, she may not be right for you especially if you prefer someone you can meet in person.
Please do keep posting from time to time to let us know how you are doing.
smrc (my previous post was as anon for this) (no login)
i'm so sorry
August 22 2012, 12:45 PM
you found this out (although more information is better than less) and your DH's actions just stink. you have received good advice above, which I won't repeat but 2 thoughts: 1. although you don't want things with your DH to devolve into fighting, I do think the stronger front you put up with him right now, the better (and, quite frankly, may result in a higher chance of him "coming back", if you would still take him, at this point)- make clear his behavior is completly unacceptable. I always think men try to get away with as much as they can sometimes... 2. since this unidentified "lady" now seems to be around your DD, query whether you now have an important basis for asking out who she is exactly - you have a right to know the identity of anyone spending time with your daughter, in my view. This may be a way to put your DH's feet to the fire, finally. Hang in there - you will make it through this and you at least deserve honesty and transparency in what is going on. SMRC
Oh Emily, I had really hoped I wasn't right in thinking that... I'm terribly sorry your going through this - I know the pain all too well. The one positive thing I can say is that once I found out he was cheating, it helped me get over wanting him back so badly. I took a while, so I understand your feelings right now, but it helped make it all more real for me eventually.
I wish I had some good advice, but it's all been said above. Take care of yourself, vent to us here when you need to, and love that DD of yours!!