other's negative commentsAugust 25 2012 at 10:31 AM
|wnpink (Login wnpink)|
How do you go beyond other's negative comments? Out of the blue, a coworker starts talking about someone she knows who is 46 and just delivered a baby. Of course she doesn't know that I am also 46 and TTC. We weren't even talking about this subject, when she just informs me this and then she goes on to say "Can you believe someone would be crazy enough to have a baby at 46". She went on to calculate the different milestones - the lady would be 51 when the child is in kindergarten, and 64 when they graduated from high school. I just sat there not knowing what to say. And then of course afterwards, I started to feel like OMG, what am I doing? Am I crazy too? Now I can't shake these negative thoughts about age from my mind. Other than IF, I am actually in great health, and look about 15 years younger. I spoke to my therapist about this, and she said that people that don't know me, would not have a clue how old I was so not to worry about that. But now I am worried about people that do know me, will they be having these backhanded comments about me? Will I be the subject of gossip too?
I know we should have have "tough" skins, but it is hard for me to just block out all negative comments from others. Do you have any input on how to deal with this?
|August 25 2012, 12:39 PM |
I had a friend for many years who made negative comments about infertility treatments and pregnant women over age 40. (I probably shouldn't post her comments here because some of them were quite disturbing). She also did not want children herself, and did not understand why anyone else would. I don't see much of her any more, and she still doesn't understand why I avoid her. I don't even acknowledge her birthday anymore. I am just done with people like that. I have better things to with my time than exerting efforts into managing their toxic behavior.
|Maggie in VA|
Have fun with it . . .
|August 25 2012, 1:26 PM |
Don't do anything. If she brings it up again, make non-responsive comments or say something vague like, "Well, I really think people's childbearing is their own business." That's going to make it all the more amusing when you start showing. Of course, if she doesn't know your age (and, trust me, she'll make a point of finding out), you won't get that entertainment, but you may as well enjoy it if you can. Take care, Maggie (in VA)
|August 25 2012, 1:54 PM |
you cannot please everyone. it's pretty basic and applies to everything any one does. there will always be somebody that takes issue with something. the best thing you can do for yourself is free yourself from being concerned that there might be someone that dosen't approve of your choices. you only make it hard for yourself if you worry over what somebody else might think. I know it's hard because we are already tramuatized by IF, then to have the added slap in the face from a holes that think they can spit out their opinions and advice just adds insult to injury. so, much easier to dismiss these negative folks as being one, misinformed, and secondly non-affected by such a situation which means they are incapable of having empathy. I will say, lots of people out there are affected by IF. nearly every time we mention to anyone that we did IVF, they respond with...oh my sister, or my brother's wife, etc., someone they know has had trouble getting pg also. so when someone spouts off jibberish that is harsh against these things, they have no idea whom around them they are offending, could very well be plenty of people.
do yourself a favor and learn to let it go, let those people go when necessary. it's your life, your experience, we all have to do what is best for us and our own families, and that best is different for everyone and that is OK, own it.
Everyone has an opinion and expresses some level of judgement (pg ment)
|August 25 2012, 2:31 PM |
...about religion, politics, family planning, parenting, etc. And there is NOTHING you can do about it except let contrary opinions and negative/judgemental comments like those slide off your back.
Of course, you could have a little fun and tease your coworker once you are eventually pregnant, if you have that sort of relationship.
I'm 42 and currently pg. My office-neighbor is also 42 and is a divorced mom of an 18 year old daughter. She dates several men and is having fun with her new-found single freedom. I've been happily married for nearly 14 years. We are in different places in our lives despite being the exact same age. She often says that she is never getting married again and is glad that her baby-rearing days are behind her. I always joke that she can borrow one of mine once they arrive if she wants to revisit the experience.
There are all kinds of moms: 16 year old single moms who never intended to be a mom, newly-married 24 year old moms who planned it but may be occasionally overwhelmed with the new found responsibility, 33 year old married moms with great jobs who seem to have planned and timed their lives perfectly, 47 year old first time moms and everything in between. There are advantages and disadvantages to being a mom at each of those life stages but none is superior to another.
Best wishes to you in your TTC journey.
Beautifully said, Christine.
|August 25 2012, 3:03 PM |
Well, I'm 47 and pregnant with #2 (child mentioned)
|August 26 2012, 2:50 AM |
and anytime anyone mentions my age I just say 'Isn't it amazing?! It's wonderful, isn't it?! We are thrilled!'
Except for close friends, most people (neighbors, etc) don't know I was trying to get pregnant so I go with that.
I actually think at the moment we have it much easier than our younger friends with kids the same age as our child. Our house will be paid for in 2 years, I only work part-time and not at all the first year after a birth. We are happy to stay at home with our kids, while younger friends and relatives struggle to find babysitters so they can go 'out.'
We're OK with our age.
YOU are the one to decide how you want to spend your life. Please don't let others intimidate you.
|August 31 2012, 12:41 AM |
had my first at 43 and my second at 47 after an EXTREMELY long journey here on the boards......b/c I'm at this stage in life I can work part time....pay for a professional nanny who I adore and trust so I can go to work at a job I really enjoy. Do I get looks from people? Not with my first at 43....now at 47 when I walk in somewhere with a newborn...people aren't sure if it's mine or not. Normal people ask me is this your daughter? Annoying people have assumed she's my granddaughter! for heavens' sake who has grandkids at 47...but whatever. I don't care....people say all kinds of crap. the key to remember is it's your life.....and how you want to live it is the only important thing.
I bet plenty of these people with comments wish they could come home to happy smiling little faces instead of an empty nest with grown kids out the door and maybe living thousands of miles away.
There is always going to be judgment (child ment, OE implied)
|August 26 2012, 12:47 PM |
Just wait until you're a parent! Everyone will have an opinion on how you approach feeding (bf vs formula), sleeping (co-sleeping vs sleep-training), schooling, whether or not you decide to work - the list is endless. I had my first when I was in my early 30's, and she was a handful as an infant and toddler. She cried a lot, she never slept, she wanted to bf all the time, she was extra sensitive to stimuli. A lot of my peers had newborns too, and I'm sure I was judged for my parenting choices, as well as for the fact that my daughter was the way she was (because someone who is truly a good parent would be able to figure out how to get their child to sleep through the night, right? Riiiiiiight.) It was a very isolating and difficult time, but my husband and I stuck with the parenting choices that made most sense for our child.
Fast forward several years, and my daughter is doing great. I can't take credit for what an amazing kid she is - that's all her. But I can look back and say that I'm very happy we stuck with what we knew about our daughter and what she needed. We are the experts in how our daughter needs to be parented - not other people who don't know her as well as we do.
Similarly, you are the expert regarding what will work for you and your life. People who aren't you or your partner don't get a vote.
For what it's worth, I know a couple of moms who had their kids in their late 40s. They are moms just like everyone else. I would imagine your therapist is right - most people will either not realize your age or if they do, they will not give it a second thought. And if someone does think something - remember that they don't get a vote. To be honest, I'm pretty sure the moms I know used DE, and they were the ones I thought of when I was coming to terms with doing DE myself. It sounds a little crazy, but I sort of saw them as role models. DE clearly worked out well for them, and that gave me courage to go that route myself.
That was me - forgot to sign the above post nt
|August 26 2012, 12:48 PM |
thank you all
|August 27 2012, 10:31 PM |
I am taking your advice and telling myself not to worry about what others say or think. I don't know why people feel obligated to give their input in areas that don't concern them, but I know I can't change them. So, I need to change my reaction to their comments, and not let these people get to me. Thanks everyone!
|This message has been edited by wnpink on Aug 27, 2012 10:32 PM|
I was 46 when I got pg (child ment)
|August 28 2012, 12:04 AM |
People say stuff. They just can't help themselves. Age is all in the mind.
Put it this way... you have another forty years at least left on this planet... if you don't have a baby what are you going to do with that time? (my sister said that to me).
How many regrets will you have if you don't do this? Will you remember the name of the person who said those comments in one/two years time? Is what they think positive? Does what they think matter? Feel sorry for them that they cannot realise what a joy having a child is - at ANY age.
Have your baby, ignore other's advice. Its your choice and nobody elses.
I was 46 when I got pg with our boy who is now nearly 2 years old. I had older parents. For me its normal to have older parents. I wouldn't have had it any other way. 'Having children keeps you young' my mom used to say.
This is all about you. Forget the nongheads
best wishes to you, THK
|August 31 2012, 12:35 AM |
that people talk about people anyway all the time.....why should it matter to you..she'll say oh look at her she's 46 and having a baby...oh look at her she's 19 too young to have a baby...oh look at her she has 5 kids..that's too many. or she only has 1 kid he/she will have only child problems...or she spaced her kids too far apart or not far enough apart..you can't stop people from talking and judging just about everything.
Always keep in mind that it's you who has to live with your decisions not someone else.
to paraphrase ann landers answer to someone...how old will the 46 year old woman be in 5 years if she doesn't have a child? she'll still be 51 but without the child she wanted. right?
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