So I was wondering if I have a sickness w/ all this TTC? I mean I have tried everything under the sink w/ OE and now DE and I have failed over and over and over again since Jan 2009.
I wonder if I have a some type of mental disorder as to why I am continuing. I have ping ponged all over the place since last month's failed FET going from foster adoption to now figuring out Shady Grove. I think if I was not me, I would think I am a little mental.
Of course I don't want to think I am mental but a little voice inside me says, "Maybe you are".
I guess I would like some feedback from others who have questioned their sanity w/ all of this.
Perhaps in the past when things didn't work we thought 'oh well thats life lets move on'. Only now you can only do that to a certain extent.
After a failed cycle you can say to yourself 'oh well thats life...' but instead of moving away from it all you move towards another cycle.
Bottom line is if you want a baby then that is how you must think and its what gets you through. Its just 'weird' that we don't give up when faced with so many failures. Certainly others cannot understand it and they make comments like 'oh isn't it time you gave up or make this your last attempt'.
We can't give up otherwise we will have major regret and no baby.
I always thought 'oh its not working. Why isn't it working? Something is not right. Lets find out what it is and sort it' and that is what I did. Sounds simple but no it wasn't. It was 8 failed cycles, one failed surrogacy, and six years to that elusive BFP.
Stay strong and keep going. You WILL get there, best wishes to you, THK
I thought the same thing when I started wanting another baby at 39 years old. I actually thought that was too old...ha ha ha. Silly me. I saw a therapist to discuss it and she couldn't understand why I would want a baby at 39, not just me but any woman my age. Well each year went by and I did nothing about it. My DH was not interested in having a child. Each year I became more and more sad until I finally went to an RE at almost 43. By this time it had become my focus. And I was starting to look at adoption websites. I had never thought of adoption in my life. Well, after two OE cycles and one DE cycle I have my little baby.
OK, I thought I was a little obsessed for a while, which I was. And I was having anxiety attacks for a while spending all of this money and just being scared about all of it. But now that I am done with it all I feel perfectly happy. It is such a relief. But it freaks me out to look back and remember how it felt for a few years.
Honestly, the whole process would make anyone a little mental. Just think of yourself as driven.
Some people are clear they do not want children. Others are on the fence. And then the rest of us, well...our desire to have children is just so powerful that we will move heaven and earth to find a way to have them. I don't think you have a mental disorder, I think you have a very strong and powerful drive to have a child. Absolutely nothing crazy about that!
Now what IS crazy, is that I am having fantasies about fostering or respite fostering a child with a disability. I have no time for that, plus my own children don't get as much of me as they want/need. So, I won't do it of course, but the longing is very strong, which seems kinda weird to me! I used to rescue stray dogs, and it seems like that basic drive is still there for me only related to children in need.
We are who we are. At some point you may decide to change course and look into adoption, or surrogacy (if you think something is happening there that is preventing you from having a child). But your path so far does not seem to indicate anything close to a mental disorder, my dear.
.....in a book I was reading and have kept it in my TTC journal...to paraphrase, it was
"we carry dual narratives with our choices......in the eyes of some, these reflect an unwillingness to accept reality; to others they reflect the courage to refuse a compromised life".
I like to look at things like that when I wonder if having to have counseling to move forward, borrow against the value of the house to pay for it and sign up for worry and anxiety (of child-rearing) when I could call it quits, be comfortable and worry free, retire early and holiday every year in the south of France instead......makes me certifiable.
You might be crazy but there's a LOT of us in that asylum if so
I also dwell in that asylum. My DH and friends think I am crazy to still persue this dream at 53 and going into my 7th year. Every failure tells me something new and makes me look for more reasons why it didn't work. I did get pregnant 3 times but unfortunately MC. The last one everything was going perfect so I know it wasn't me. I am determined to find that perfect embryo and carry to term. on to IVF #8. So glad you posted this as I have been wondering about myself, now I know I am perfectly normal...here.
Especially given my scenario of having been childless by choice into middle age, being willing to walk out of my marriage when my husband told me he didn't want kids, this longing having seemed to have come about with the onset of perimenopause. I think this is one reason why the general public has such harsh opinions about infertile people, the intensity and doggedness of our pursuit of our goal, especially since so many of them are ambivalent about their child rearing experiences.
What people who haven't experienced it don't realize, and I didn't either till I started ttc, is that there is no white dove from heaven that comes and descends on your head and tells you just to accept that it's hopeless and not throw good money after bad. You never know when you will be giving up on your dream. That's not insanity, that's just reality. And then the expense and stress of fertility treatment makes us feel crazy.
It's not necessarily reassuring that we're all here supporting one another, safety in numbers. There are online support groups for people with Morgellon's Syndrome, which is a name people with delusional parasitosis have adopted to try to legitimize their condition as a dermatological illness. And the same is true for multiple chemical sensitivity, although the evidence is mounting that it's not a physiological disorder.
So, I think you need to detach your feelings of stress and craziness from the goal, which is a reasonable and good one, but one which may require a lot of determination and hard choices.
I fostered for a year in Virginia. I was willing at the time to take any placement and+
September 5 2012, 2:23 PM
the ones I took, I knew would go home to their mother eventually. Maybe I should have held out for a legal risk placement where I might have a chance to adopt but when these two went home, I was so worn out between fostering (it's hard work) and my job, I just couldn't do it again. So I have been there too.
It feels kinda like Dr Seuss:
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
I don't think you are mental. You want your second child and there are multiple avenues that have a draw for you. I never questioned my sanity actually. I just knew I was going to be a mom, period, and one way or another would get me there. Hope this helps a little.
We've been trying to start a family for 8 years, and I'm now 41, soon to be 42. I was certain that our first DE cycle last month was going to finally work. It didn't. I immediately started focusing on choosing another donor and moving on to the next cycle. I was shocked that both my husband and my mother questioned moving forward at all. We are on the shared risk plan, and therefore have FIVE more cycles that we've in essence already paid for. I was honestly so surprised when my husband gently suggested that maybe it just wasn't meant to be - that maybe this was a subtle sign that we were on the wrong path and that we should close this door and instead pour our hearts and efforts into the adoption process. My mother had a similar reaction, asking, "How many more times can you go through this, K? How many more times can you put (my husband) through this, and me, and everyone else who loves you and are hurt to see your heart and spirit crushed when you go through this horrible diapppointment each time?" My answer was - I don't know? I don't know how many more times I can do it? But I knew I wasn't ready to give up after one cycle - that I knew absolutely and completely.
Now I'm worried to death about how I'll deal with it if the second cycle doesn't work. Up until this point my husband has been a saint, the world's most sensitive and supportive man, etc. But - what if he is losing patience? What would I do then? He has been very open about the fact that he was ready to ditch IVF and puruse adoption YEARS ago. He wants to be a father; he wants us to be a family. He doesn't care if the child is purple with green polka dots and/or was conceived on another planet. I'm the one who initially couldn't give up on the idea of a biological child, and who, having then moved on to the idea of DE, can't now give up on the idea of carrying a child. Honestly, I have always said that if it were solely up to me, and I had a healthy money-tree growing in the backyard, I'd just keep doing IVF over and over and over again - hundreds of times if necessary, until it worked. Statistics would eventually have to fall in my favor, right? But of course that's unrealistic.
Infertility has thus far strengthened my marriage and brought my husband and I extremely close together. I feel like we might finally be at a place I've often heard others describe, where there is a passionate difference of opinion as to how to proceed. It scares me to think about how this could drive a wedge between us. I'm going into this cycle with a certain amount of dread. And every now and then a little voice inside me wonders if I'm just a little bit crazy, obsessed, or at the very least myopic to an extreme. So, as I said, I can relate.
Fb to start with i don't think you are crazy but you are strong willed to get to your dream ASAP. i sometimes wondered whether at my age i should be getting another baby as almost all my age mates now talk of grandchildren( here in Africa the norm is to get children as early as 17yrs) and rarely is the talk on IF. my journey mostly has been frustrating as the doctors could not get anything wrong with me from a low FSH to healthy uterus and good eggs that would not result into any baby. my DH was once told he has excellent sperms and this really created some misunderstanding between me and him as to why cant we get the next baby.
one time during a family meeting one sister out of nowhere said hai 'A' its time you got the next baby and my mother was quick to responds and say 'cant you see she is old she cant get another baby and beside how long will she be there to bring the baby up - she is already a grandma(meaning am too old) I felt very cold of this comment and i went home crying as to why people comment on some areas that they don't understand like IF and what one is going through. Every time after every failure i found myself figuring out how to patch up my broken me , get finances and get back to the IVF queue again and i had said i will keep on trying until i have this baby or i am no longer able to get into the queue. i was lucky to find this boards at the point if break down and i consoled myself i am not alone in the jungle of trying against all odds to get a baby. i lurked all board to try and get someone who had everything alright but cannot get a baby but many came at least they could point out issue with their health that had resulted into their IF i could not point a single thing as i moved to DE . i was even surprising when even the DE i came to find out its not automatic. So may be we are crazy or weird to outsiders looking inside but us insiders looking out we know we have a goal to reach out there and nothing will stand between us and that goal of a baby not even the many failures.FB keep dreaming and dreaming even more.
I have a saying on my refrigerator I read every morning when I get ready for work: Courage isn't always a lion's roar. It is sometimes the heart saying ...."I will try again tomorrow" I have had many dark days in my journey and many days thought I couldn't go on, let alone cycle again but I have always managed to get my strenght, hope and courage back and I remain determined to have my soul baby.
...as I was preparing for my sixth IVF, and third trip to South Africa to cycle-- "Wow. All I can say is, you sure are committed... or maybe you should be!" haha... (but no, I really didn't think I was crazy, I just kept believing that I was meant to have kids, and it was only going to happen if I didn't give up.)