The Daily Redundancy
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Police Prepare For Riots Should McCain Lose
SUN CITY, AZ - Police in this normally peaceful retirement community are bracing for the possibility of violence in the wake of the upcoming presidential election. Investigators believe that if Republican candidate John McCain loses, widespread rioting is possible, particularly at local golf resorts and in buffet restaurants. The situation underscores dirty little secret that veiled beneath the sunny skies of this southwestern mecca lies a ticking time bomb of angry octogenarians.
Golf Course Riot
"We're preparing for something we haven't seen since the Diamondbacks won the World Series." said Sheriff Matt Dempsey, recalling the horrific events in the fall of 2001. "It was mayhem - rascals and golf carts brought traffic to a standstill, and the air was filled with the stench of burning Depends. The chaos went on until almost 8:30."
Officials say their only hope may be a close election that remains indeterminate until well after the polls close. "Hopefully we won't have any concessions speeches until the wee hours of Wednesday morning." said Dempsey. "That way, most of these thugs will have dozed off, avoiding a disaster."
Meanwhile, in suburban Atlanta, a shadowy group of Sarah Palin supporters - known on the streets as 'The Hot Moms' - appear to be planning a major attack on designer shoe and bag retailers in the event of a Republican loss. "We've picked up a lot of internet and cell phone chatter targeting a wide range of high-end shops." said Detective Hugh Welks of the Homeland Security Department. "But it looks like their key strategy is to accessorize."
Merchants who may become targets are taking desperate measures. "We're putting all of our Bernardo's and Francesco Biasia's out at half price." said Marie Keller-Windslow, manager of trendy Chelsea Parkes in Dunwoody. "Hopefully we'll be able to pick up the pieces and rebuild after it's over."
© 2008 - The Daily Redundancy
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Police prepare for riots if McCain loses (satire)
The Daily Redundancy ^
Posted on Thursday, October 30, 2008 2:26:25 PM by chordmaster
SUN CITY, AZ - Police in this normally peaceful retirement community are bracing for this possibility of violence in the wake of the upcoming presidential election. Investigators believe that if Republican candidate John McCain loses, widespread rioting is possible, particularly at local golf resorts and in buffet restaurants. The situation underscores dirty little secret that veiled beneath the sunny skies of this southwestern mecca lies a ticking time bomb of angry octogenarians...
(Excerpt) Read more at dailyredundancy.com ...
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