Hangovers -- How many stars are you today?

* (1-star hangover)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a steak and a side of gravy fries from any truck stop USA.

(2-star hangover)

No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a Rootie Tootie Fresh & Fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wrecked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office you are costing your employer valuable money because all you can really handle is surfing the internet porn sites and writing junk e-mails.

*** (3-star hangover)

Slight headache. Stomch feels crappy. You are definitely a space shot and not so productive. Anytime a girl walks by, you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random shots of gin you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed watching the E! Fashion Awards. You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of Diet Coke -- yet you haven't peed once.

**** (4-star hangover)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking like booze. You wore nice clothes but can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so-crucial spot while shaving. Ladies, it looks like you put on your makeup while riding the bumper cars. Your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, 1976. You would shoot your mother for one or more of the following:

1. The clock to strike 6 p.m.
2. The entire appetizer list from T.G.I. Friday's
3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

***** (5-star hangover)

A.K.A. Dante's 4th Circle of Hell. You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is annoying the person in the next cubicle. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think your dog just died because all you can manage to do is bitch about your state -- which is a myster to you because you definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank and why there is a stranger sleeping in your bed, unaccompianed. The only thing you can do is smoke a bong hit and pass out. It's when you wake a few hours later with a lesser star hangover that you can eat a large pizza, an order of Kung Pao Chicken, a ham & cheese omelet and a batch of Rice Krispies Treats.