It's ok to feel the way you do. You have every right to be angry...you have been terribly hurt and you never deserved it. It's ok to have conflicting feelings of love and hate. It's ok to wish for her to die, cuz deep down what that is is a wish for her to stop hurting you. You are not a bad daughter...you are a daughter who is reacting to an unhealthy mother. I'm so glad you are letting some of the hurt out. I hope you will continue to do so.