i do not no where to put this cause i dunno how i feel for real. i dunno if im angry but i no im not happy. my mum died on thursday night. a few weeks ago she took all of her bipolar meds an drank heaps an since that day she was in a coma an thurday night she had a huge fit an that was it an now shes gone. i feel bad cause of all the bad stuff ive have ever said an done to her but then i feel mad with her for doing this. i think of all the suffering she had to put up with an im tryin to think of that shes not hurting nomore but its not helping. i think of the times i had to bath her cause she couldnt not do it her self cause of the meds or cause she was to drunk. i worried she would fall asleep in the bath tub an drown so had to make sure she didnt. i always did check to make sure she never had the gas on cause some times she left it going an i think of all the stuff idid to try to make her not die but now i think why did i bother. she always wanted to die always an this was not the first time she took to many meds. she did hate me that was clear an how much that was cause of the illness or the alcohol or just cause of the brat i was i dunno. i wish i did not tell about Jerry then he wouldnt ahve had to leave her. i put him in jail an took the only thing she did love away an that just wasnt fair to her. i got no family left nomore an i dunno how to feel an thats another reason i feel bad cause i wished for a long time my mum will die an now i just only want her back an i dunno why. then i think she is lucky cause shes not hurtin nomore an i think id be better to do the same an then nothin will hurt me nomore an if i realy think of it who realy could care. i just dunno how i feel or what i should do. i gotta go to her funeral tomorrow an i just wish i could be in the box with her.