It doesn't hurt my feelings. You have no reason to trust me. But I have a question for you. I could be wrong on this, but your posts look an awful lot like posts from more than a year ago by someone named lisa. Spelling, topics, and even punctuation are the same. Your anger is very strong. And what's good about that is that you can take that anger as a tool to grow. Or you can let it eat you alive.
You correctly criticized me for not suggesting how you can use your anger as a tool to heal. Part of the problem is that each person has a different journey. But it is important to take that journey, and not get stuck along the way. And that's what I worry about.
So here are some ways that people I know have worked to get through the wall of anger. They may or may not help you, but you'll at least get some ideas.
1. If you're angry because you have had bad counselors (or even because you're angry at me), then use that as motivation to go back to school and become a better counselor.
2. Most survivors have been told over and over that they are a failure. Prove your abusers wrong. Become a success. That might mean holding down a job, or going to school, or at the beginning just getting out of bed every day. But take the energy from the abuser and put it toward a positive goal for you. Each step you take toward your goals takes one more bit of power away from your abuser.
3. Plan to do one nice thing for someone else every day. This could be very small (say hello to an elderly neighbor) or even a little bigger (donate some food to a food pantry). Pretty soon, you begin to plan your day around good thoughts. And in return, others will be appreciative and you will see a brighter side of life.
4. Do the same as above but for yourself.
5. Give yourself some time each day to be incredibly pissed at your abusers. Tear up their name, throw a pillow, write them a letter you may or may not send, write on this message board. Follow this with a cleansing ritual. Some people burn a candle, others take a shower, hey-- you can eat a piece of chocolate. Whatever. Just do something to transition to the rest of your day, where your energy is spent on you, not on anger.
There are many other ways you might want to try to get through your pain. Maybe others are willing to share what works for them. Maybe you already have some ideas yourself. It is not easy making this move, but if you have been stuck in that anger for a really long time, you're missing out on the beauty in life that you deserve.