i was having the same trouble julia and still kind of am. what i needed was validation for my anger and permission to be angry. while i was being abused, i was the one punished if someone caught them hurting me. my therapist told me responible ways to be angry, i.e. not hurt myself or anyone else. so i punch a pillow and say this is your stupid head, to my cousins or my mom (who caught them and punished me) depending on my mood. i also dance and stomp on the floor pretending it is them. i invite my little girl to do it with me. i say, "look i know it wasn't your fault because i'm big now and look at how mad i am they hurt you. let's stomp them." she feels so happy and powerful when we do this. we even made a monster mask together. we wear this when we want to remember but are too scared. we pretend like we are a scary monster and we go back and rescue the little girl over and over until she knows she is safe to remember and that they can't hurt her anymore. this also seems to be helping. my little girl likes to growl and holler like she is ferocious when we wear the mask. she likes to be angry and not just sad.
the first step to not blaming yourself/being angry at yourself for the abuse is intellectually knowing it wasn't your fault. the second is realizing your little girl thinks it was her fault. the third is working with her creatively to teach her that it really wasn't her fault. she is a child don't forget. you have to teach her that she can be angry and how to be angry safely. you have to tell her her anger is justified and an appropriate response. she doesn't have to be afraid or ashamed of being angry. she should be angry that someone hurt her. tell her you are angry that she was hurt. this works, i swear.
in fact i just had to go punch my pillow for you. i got mad someone hurt you and made you feel like it was you're fault so you couldn't even be mad at them. my cousins made me feel that way too and it makes me mad somebody would make you feel that way too. i feel so happy and strong now after letting that anger out. you should really try this with your little girl. anger can be a positve, empowering emotion if you learn to use it properly. since i have been doing this i have been less snappy at work and i am more aware of the source of my anger when i am snappy, so i don't take it out on hapless bystanders. i wish you the best of luck on finally owning your anger. hope this helps.
dee