| Original Message |
Watcher
Posted Oct 10, 2004 8:41 PM
Well, I have alot of weird stuff going through my head about this. It appears that going through the really tough therapy was a mistake, my baseline stress test at the beginning of my therapy said all was well. They were shocked at the amount of damage in this amount of years. I literally am dying of a broken heart I guess.
OK, dying is pretty strong wording, but it really is how I am feeling. Before I went for the surgery I thought I was doing great, was upbeat. I have always been vigorous and had no symtoms. But they put me on a lot of drugs after the surgery that are playing hell with me as far as making me feel bad. I am tired and fatigued, get cramps in my legs and the depression is just debilitating. On top of that many medical people including the new cardio keep saying you are too young for this. I guess I am starting to actually "believe" I am sick or maybe its just the depression, I don't know. But I feel like crap. One drug they had to take me off because within four days I was constantly crying and suicidal! ARGH! Glad that went away within a couple days of stopping taking it.
So heres where I stand. The hospital has not forwarded my results so the cardio who has done the followup testing can't compare the results. They haven't gotten back to me. I tell myself that if they thought I was in rough shape they would have called. But now I have some heart activity that is kinda scary. I am calling in tomorrow morning just because I really need to have SOME news. I feel that if I talked to the doc she could help me feel a bit better, but feel like a weeny for taking up her time over something so trivial as emotions. But the emotions are telling me I am dying, the panic is awful.
I continue to walk and swim because she told me that was important (forget that I like it, lol). I think she would have told me if I shouldn't. But I do have a weak heart muscle that was not resolved with the surgery as they had hoped and don't know what is causing it.
I told hubby tonight that if I did die early that it wasn't because I wanted to go, I love him and want to be with him, but that if it happened I wanted him to know that in spite of the crappy therapy years and all the craziness that went with it, that I loved the life he provided for me. He gave me trust and the knowledge that no one would hurt me and those are some pretty great gifts. He also loved me when no one else would have me, through thick and thin.
When I think about it, I guess I am just bone weary. Between the medications, the heavy therapy and stopping doing that without the follow thorugh I probably needed, the heavy emotions and of course the day to day grind of life, I am just too tired to deal with it all.
Hope it doesn't sound whiney. I am still trying to do the best I can. Maybe god will think its good enough. |
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