This is a place to talk about things you are angry about, and to let you express your anger in an appropriate way. I will be monitoring this board closely...I hope to not see passive-aggressive behavior here, and if I do, I will try to confront it, regardless of what or who it is regarding. The idea here is to express anger in a healthy way. Strong language is allowed, so please be warned of that if you decide to read other people's posts. I am giving this a test run to see if this board will work...if I see lots of inappropriate anger expressions, I will discontinue this board. Please show respect to all persons here.
I just want to feel better... it's hard
by
Can anyone understand how I feel? I am adult, at 9 years old I was abused by my cousin. It was a secret that I keep to myself for long time until I was so upset with my life that I tried to kill myself. Sometimes I feel so angry, so alone. I would like to have a family, a husband and kids, but how I can do it? If I feel afraid and angry, I can't even have nobody close to me, everything feel so wrong.
I am usually a happy person. Then, out of nowhere, I get so angry. I yell at and belittle my supporting fiance. I don't know what else to do when I want to hurt the person who loves me the most. I want to break him...I suppose the same amount I have been broken. Sometimes I feel like the abuse will always affect me. I obviously don't want to make him feel pain, but I get defensive and only after the moment do I have any remorse. I want him to hate me sometimes, because I don't want to hurt him anymore. I want to rip the anger out of my chest, but I can't.
I can understand that level of anger, and know it's a struggle. I'm so glad you posted here about it, to at least have someone to feel like you can vent. Please know that you matter.
WHAT THE H*LL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE HUH???
CAN'T THEY SEE THAT SHIT WE WENT THRU MADE US
THE WAY WE ARE NOW?? DO THEY NOT EVEN CARE???
WE ALL HATE H*LLOWEEN, AND YET PEOPLE STILL INSIST
ON TRYING TO SHOVE IT IN OUR FACE!!!!!!!!!!!
SH*T S*N OF A B*TCH!!!!!!! IT JUST REALLY PISSES ME THE F*CK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM SO F*CKIN MAD RIGHT NOW I COULD SPIT 20 DIFFERENT COLORS!!!!!!!!!!
WHY CANT THESE THINGS JUST SLOW THE F*CK DOWN!!!!!!!!!! THIS ANGER IS GONNA RIP MY CHEST OUT. I HATE THE MOM BECAUSE SHE DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO STOP THE ABUSE THAT KATIE WAS GOING THRU, I HATE THE DAD FOR DOING WHAT HE DID AND I ESPECIALLY HATE THE 2 OLDER BROTHERS BECAUSE THEY FIGURED IT WAS OKAY FOR THEM TO DO WHAT THEY DID COZ THEY SAW THE DAD HURTING US OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!!! WE EVEN HAD COPS THAT LIVED ON OUR STREET AND THEY DIDNT DO A F*CKING THING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TRISHA WHO IS VERY PISSED, MAD, ANGRY, AND FURIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm glad you are here Trish...and I can sure understand your anger. Please feel free to come vent here any time you want...I'm proud of you for saying what's on oyur mind.
SORRY I YELLED AND CUSSED BUT IT JUST INFURIATES ME TO NO END HOW PEOPLE CAN BE SO F*CKIN MEAN YA KNOW!!! I MEAN KATIE WAS JUST A BABY WHEN HE STARTED ABUSING US A YEAR OLD FOR GODS SAKE AND TO ME THAT JUST MEANS HE WAS A SICK PERVERTED B@STARD!!!! AND HIS D**TH DOESNT MAKE IT GO AWAY EITHER!!!
Hi i am 16, i have never talked about my problem on a site before, i just dident know what to do. you see i havent cut myself for around 2 months, But i screwed up bad and i am afrade i am going to take it further. I ruened my life by treating my mom like she was shit. Now all I can think about is cutting and suicide, and i dont know how to cope with these emotions and thoughts... I despretly need help.
Hi Alicia....I like the nickname you chose....and I want to welcome you to this message board. Sounds like you are really struggling with these feelings of wanting to hurt yourself. It's hard enough being 16 without having those extra thoughts and feelings to deal with. I'm wondering if you would care to share about your relationship with your mom....how did you treat her so horribly, and why? Maybe with some help, you can work through those guilt feelings that I think I'm picking up on. Please know that you are not alone. Feel free to write here anytime, ok? Don't give up....you're doing a good job reaching out.
I can sure understand feeling cross about that! I don't like it when I feel invisible, either, because that's a very yucky feeling. I would love it if you would stop by A Safe Place and play in our game some more. I've been waiting for some time now for you to join in again. Even though I am not very good about checking there often, I have missed seeing you there when I have gone there.
I am 58 years old. Started my journey in 1987. Today I am still dealing with the rage. I am incensed that I was not loved nor cared for. My foster parents, I hope, are suffering as they have made me suffer. Forgiveness is not even remotely thought of. I have wayyyyy too much anger. They made my life a living hell. Where do I start to love me again. I am in the process but the process of undoing all the lies is a very hard process. I get triggered so often just in living. I am tired, but, I will survive. I am a phoenix rising from the ashes. I will survive and you bastards will pay by God judging you. It is out of my hands.
I am worth every tear I have cried for Little Jeanette.
Oh, I sure understand that rage...it is so hard to deal with at times, isn't it? I think just acknowledging and talking about your anger is a great first step, and I encourage you to continue to do that. When I have more time I might be able to give you some more specific pointers, but am running late for class right now. I hope to see you again here.
Ok...I have a little more time today, so let me answer you in a bit more detail. First of all, I want Little Jeanette to know that yes, you are worth every tear that big Jeanette has cried for you. You are a precious and lovable little girl, and you did not do anything to cause these horrible things to happen to you.
Now, the anger. What are you doing with your anger now? Are you embracing it, even as awful as it feels? Do you give it a voice? Do you write out angry letters to your foster parents that you don't send? Do you pretend they are there and yell at them? Do you journal? Do you talk to anyone you trust about your anger? Do you hit a punching bag or a couch or a bed when you are angry? Do you throw playdo or silly putty onto a dry erase board that is either on the wall or the floor? Do you allow yourself to just scream when you are somewhere that no one can hear you? These are all examples of ways to release anger.
I know and truely understand that forgiveness is not even a remote idea at the moment, but I would like to redefine forgiveness for you so that you can toss the idea around for a later date. Forgiveness is not saying "Ok, what you did is ok"....no way! What they did will NEVER be ok! What forgiveness is, though, is recognizing how much the anger is hurting you and affecting your life, and becoming able to say, "What you did will never be right, but I don't have to allow you to control my emotions over it anymore, and I therefore choose to let go of the anger because it is continuing to hurt me and I don't deserve to be hurt anymore." It takes time to get there, because the anger at least allows us to FEEL like we have some power in such a powerless situation, but when we are finally ready for it, there is power in forgiveness too because you are taking the power back to not allow it to control how you feel anymore. Don't rush it....just think about it for when at a later date you might be willing to consider it. You have to be ready though, and the first step is what I described above in embracing your anger.
I care, and I understand your anger, as I've felt it too. It can be worked through, but it takes time. Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself as if you do love yourself (as I heard you ask how you can begin to love yourself again). What would you do for someone that you do love? Would you hold them safely? You can do that with yourself, either inside, or using a blanket or doll to hold while visualizing and feeling the embrace. Would you allow someone you love to be rewarded for doing something good? Then reward yourself...whether it be with a new outfit, a relaxing bath (if they are not too triggering, as they are for many people), a delicious dessert, a good movie, or whatever. It may take time to FEEL like you love yourself, but you can still treat yourself with love.
I hope this helps, and I look forward to hearing from you again. Let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you.
I could scream but it wont come out of my throat and that makes me mad too mad at my dad am
nd mum and a whole range of people. mostly im sosososos mad at my ex he is still screwing me ...financially. /we have three great kids and he wont put his hand in his pocket for anything...nada..zip.. not a single thing. so now the school is chasing me for the school fees and no doubt i'll work even more and nibbble away at the debt but it just shouldn't be so f...ing hard.
why wont the tears and the rage come out of me instead my body just gets tighter and tighter and iget to feeling so desperate and thats not fair either. I've done desperate and miserable to death enough already!!!!!!
I'm so so sorry that things are not going well for you in these realms....I'm so glad you were able to come here to vent. I hope that you can let the anger out of YOU instead of just your body continuing to get tighter and tighter. Have you tried a massage? Or can you not deal with that? If you can do that, it can help loosen the tight muscles. In any case, feel free to keep coming back here and yelling/venting all you want/need.
There's got to be a difference between setting boundries, demanding independence and DROPPING SOMEONE FLAT ON THEIR ASS TO COPE ALL ALONE. dont know what to do. lost. wrong. bad. small.
The damage is reversing according to my doc's phone call today! She got the file from the H finally and did the comparison with the stress test before the stents and she says its looking positive! I cried with joy, what a relief. Its not perfect but it isn't the mess I was looking at before.
I found someone to chat with in the night and it helped a lot. I feel a lot better except that I am catching a cold. Oh well, take what peace I can get at this point.
I started having it many years ago now, it was in Oct, I remember that. The first few years were so bad. It was all surrounding heart palipitations but tests said nothing was wrong. I didn't die and eventually the things were less and the panic was less. I have had them off and on but never like at the beginning.
Now I have had them really bad for about 3 weeks again. Since just before the bad test on my heart. They haven't called me with results yet even though I found out they got the old records to compare with. I left a voice mail today but did not get a return call. That should be good news, right?
But here I sit at past midnight and can't sleep while my heart makes its screwy beat. I tell myself that its because there was so much stress in the past month and that it will go away again like it did before. Only this time I know I have a problem so it makes it hard to believe it.
Sorry for the whining, I have no where else to put it all. I mean it SEEMS whiney, until I feel that stupid bump in my chest again. I am also getting sick so that probably isn't helping.
I even tried to pray tonight for the first time in years but it felt false, like I am a liar or a cheat. I wonder if there is anything I can do to feel better.
I wish I had someone to talk to but I don't. Yuck.
Watcher,
How much permanent damage? Does the damage limit you in any way? Is it repairable? I don't know a lot about hearts, but I know there are many things that can help many types of damage, including exercise and surgery.
I can understand your fear....the heart is a vital organ. But having damage does not have to be the end of the world. Please keep me informed, and I will keep you in my thoughts.
Well, I have alot of weird stuff going through my head about this. It appears that going through the really tough therapy was a mistake, my baseline stress test at the beginning of my therapy said all was well. They were shocked at the amount of damage in this amount of years. I literally am dying of a broken heart I guess.
OK, dying is pretty strong wording, but it really is how I am feeling. Before I went for the surgery I thought I was doing great, was upbeat. I have always been vigorous and had no symtoms. But they put me on a lot of drugs after the surgery that are playing hell with me as far as making me feel bad. I am tired and fatigued, get cramps in my legs and the depression is just debilitating. On top of that many medical people including the new cardio keep saying you are too young for this. I guess I am starting to actually "believe" I am sick or maybe its just the depression, I don't know. But I feel like crap. One drug they had to take me off because within four days I was constantly crying and suicidal! ARGH! Glad that went away within a couple days of stopping taking it.
So heres where I stand. The hospital has not forwarded my results so the cardio who has done the followup testing can't compare the results. They haven't gotten back to me. I tell myself that if they thought I was in rough shape they would have called. But now I have some heart activity that is kinda scary. I am calling in tomorrow morning just because I really need to have SOME news. I feel that if I talked to the doc she could help me feel a bit better, but feel like a weeny for taking up her time over something so trivial as emotions. But the emotions are telling me I am dying, the panic is awful.
I continue to walk and swim because she told me that was important (forget that I like it, lol). I think she would have told me if I shouldn't. But I do have a weak heart muscle that was not resolved with the surgery as they had hoped and don't know what is causing it.
I told hubby tonight that if I did die early that it wasn't because I wanted to go, I love him and want to be with him, but that if it happened I wanted him to know that in spite of the crappy therapy years and all the craziness that went with it, that I loved the life he provided for me. He gave me trust and the knowledge that no one would hurt me and those are some pretty great gifts. He also loved me when no one else would have me, through thick and thin.
When I think about it, I guess I am just bone weary. Between the medications, the heavy therapy and stopping doing that without the follow thorugh I probably needed, the heavy emotions and of course the day to day grind of life, I am just too tired to deal with it all.
Hope it doesn't sound whiney. I am still trying to do the best I can. Maybe god will think its good enough.
im fed up with my kids father constantly critizing me and throwing up the fact that he now has parental resposibility aswell. That doesn't give him the right to come into my home everyday and critizie my life. He takes the kids to school every morning and i let hiom in the house to make it nicer for the kids, but he should keep his opinions to himself. Parental responsibility doesn't mean he can infringe on my life. He is threatening to go to court if i get into a relationship with someone, not that i am, but if i do it has fuck all to do with him, I dont go to his house and start on him and his girlfriend if he has one. My life has nothing to do with him. He makes me out to be a bad mum and that i dont care about the kids, im really pigged off with it
"never speak ill of the dead" thats what we were taught, but wes angry for lots of reasons, angry that he died on us,angry that he abused us and we feel like we can never really talk about it because hes gone, hes not here to defend himself and justify his actions, angry that we never got what we needed as kids and never had the change to fix it as adults
It's ok to speak the truth...and it's ok to be angry. And you do have a chance to fix yourselves now as adults. I'm here, and I love you....unconditionally.
My Anger has been Long over due/ always seemingly I was making excuses for those that abused me always justifing them. But I am pissed that the parents I was given did NOT take good care of me! And I am outraged that they hurt me hurt me real bad. I hate them and my anger gets so displaced that I hate myself. And I think I will hate them for that too! The things those people had the audasity to do to their children!!!!!!!!!!!!
Welcome. I am so sorry that your parents hurt you so badly. They had no right. You have every right to be angry. I'm glad you are expressing your anger, and I encourage you to continue to do so. You are welcome here any time. Please feel free to come back as often as you wish.
I am so angry I could pop a vein! People take advantage and it sucks! No more! I promise myself I won't let anyone hurt me any more and then when it happens I hate myself for failure.
No sleep for me. URG! I am so exhausted I wish I could just lay down and quit. Sobbing feels bad so I refuse myself the right to cry.
Hi Watcher. I can sure understand being angry about people taking advantage....it certainly is not fair. Might I recommend that rather than promising yourself that you won't let anyone hurt you anymore, perhaps you could promise yourself you will do your best to get hurt as little as possible? After all, we are human, and as humans we are imperfect. Besides that, we can't always predict others, and it doesn't help us if we expect ourselves to be perfect in knowing what others are going to do and how it will affect us. None of us likes to be hurt, but none of us can 100% prevent it either....the best we can do is minimize it and learn to deal with it when it does happen, so that we can move on. Please know that I care,a nd I'm here if you want to bounce any ideas off of me or anything.
