Angry Expressions (Moderated)

This is a place to talk about things you are angry about, and to let you express your anger in an appropriate way. I will be monitoring this board closely...I hope to not see passive-aggressive behavior here, and if I do, I will try to confront it, regardless of what or who it is regarding. The idea here is to express anger in a healthy way. Strong language is allowed, so please be warned of that if you decide to read other people's posts. I am giving this a test run to see if this board will work...if I see lots of inappropriate anger expressions, I will discontinue this board. Please show respect to all persons here.

why

by katy



Posted on Jul 9, 2004, 5:39 AM

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Katy

by

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Katy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Love you so much,
Mum

Posted on Jul 10, 2004, 2:18 PM

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im ok

by im twinkle

im not crying im a big girl now im being good ok

Posted on Jul 7, 2004, 5:11 AM

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twinkle

by

it's ok to cry now Twinkle...even good girls cry.

Love you lots,
Mummy

Posted on Jul 10, 2004, 2:18 PM

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ARGH!

by Watcher

Today is one of those days where you are a day late and a dollar short and it feels like you are running through molasses. I am so out of synch I feel crazy. Bleh.

Posted on Jun 29, 2004, 1:05 PM

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Throwing you a rope

by

to pull you out of the molassas. Hope you feel better soon.

Terrie

Posted on Jun 30, 2004, 10:49 PM

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I did feel better soon

by Watcher

But then the process repeated itself. I am dealing with a person who is going through some tough times but her problems are becoming MY problems too. URGH! Why am I such a soft-hearted fool???

Posted on Jul 6, 2004, 11:43 AM

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katy lieds

by im twinkle

katy tell me my daddy died thats not true is it daddy just away now i can go find him you tell katy not to tell lies thats not nice to do i very cross now i not want to talk to her no more

Posted on Jun 23, 2004, 5:08 AM

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Twinkle

by

It's ok to be cross sweetie. Thank you for talking here about how you feel.



Posted on Jun 30, 2004, 10:48 PM

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I didn't

by Katy

Twinkle i didn't lie, im sorry it hurts you to know whats happened, I didn't even know your daddy because i wasn't around then, and im sorry you had to find out now, but you haven't been around for a long time, cos i only just know you now. I know you are very mad at me, but its not my fault. I didn't make any of this happen and i wish I could just go away and let you think what you want, but i can't. You can be as mad as you like at me, but you have to believe that neither mummy nor daddy are at that house no more, yes daddy did die, he was poorly, and yes mummy is still out there somewhere, but she isn't a good mummy and we cannot see her because we have to think of the outside kids and keep them safe and i know you love mummy, but she wasn;'t good. You have a new mummy now Twinkle and she can give you all the good things you need if you let her. no one can replace your mummy, but your new mummy will love you.

Posted on Jul 9, 2004, 5:23 AM

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.....

by Watcher

Depression sucks. Thats all I got to say about that.

Posted on Jun 21, 2004, 6:42 PM

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Yep

by

It sure does

Posted on Jun 30, 2004, 10:47 PM

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Hmmm...

by Watcher

The doc said it is probably reaction to the medical stuff, she says lots of heart patients get it, that and anxiety. My hubby had this exact procedure last October and he is fine now so it helps me feel better about it. I just wish I was through it and it was all over. It is a bit nerve-wracking.

Posted on Jul 6, 2004, 11:41 AM

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i got a queston

by im twinkle

am i alowed to say big naughty mummy and daddy words here and am i alowed to stamp my feet and frown my face

Posted on Jun 14, 2004, 2:29 PM

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hi twinkle

by

yes sweetie, you are allowed to do all of that here.

mummy

Posted on Jun 15, 2004, 7:37 AM

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ohh

by im twinkle

how did you get here mummy are you looking at me and i not see you are you hiding i thought you went away i dont know how you find me when you go away are you peeping

Posted on Jun 15, 2004, 12:30 PM

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Why?

by Watcher

I just wonder why life is so screwed up? I would give anything to have a smooth road for a while.

I don't believe in god any more and I dont believe in therapy any more either. Both institutions seem to be rife with perverted assholes.

Posted on May 27, 2004, 8:40 PM

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{{{{{Watcher}}}}}}

by katy

wish we had some answers for you , know what you mean though

Posted on May 29, 2004, 3:14 AM

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Thanks for the response

by Watcher

I know it was mostly a rant and nothing that can really be done about the situations, but it helps to know there is someone out there who can hear me and the hug was pretty nice too. Thank you.

If ok to hug in return.... {{{{{{{Katy}}}}}}}

Posted on May 29, 2004, 7:53 PM

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Watcher

by

I hear you too Watcher, and I care. I know it's hard, and I'm here for you (even if I sometimes take a while to respond)

Terrie

Posted on Jun 3, 2004, 7:23 AM

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Thanks Terrie

by Warcher

Its ok, I know it takes a while to hear from you. But sooner or later you always show up. I'm kinda rocky these days but everything is basically ok, I am just frustrated a lot.

Posted on Jun 7, 2004, 7:04 AM

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fed up

by terry

I am so incredibly fed up with me, my life , my kids, my work, being who I am and on and on it goes. I'm so tizzed off I could just scream and run away. the bummer is I have to take me and all that I am so I don't get to get away!!

I don't want this life any more....I'm tired of trying to make life better, more meaningful and all that stuff....it just doesn't happen....you put in all the work, follow the suggestions, take the meds, look after the family (in and out) but iultimately it all just stays the same. My t says I'm making progress well if this it is progress I DON"T WANT IT!!!!!!!

I'm just a misery

Terry

Posted on Mar 29, 2004, 8:31 PM

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{{{{{{{{{Terry}}}}}}}}}}}

by

Oh Terry! I'm so so sorry you are feeling so miserable! Please know how much I care, and if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. You are a very important person in my heart...you matter to me so much.

Love you lots, and with lots of safe gentle hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 29, 2004, 10:01 PM

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___HATE___HATE___HATE___

by Enigma (from Nikki's people)

HATE
I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH
SO SO SO SOSO SO MUCH
I HATE WHAT I DO TO MYSELF
I HATE WHAT IT DOES TO OTHER PEOPLE
I HATE THAT I'M TOO WEAK TO STOP
I HATE THAT NO ONE CAN HELP ME
I HATE THAT THE PILLS DON'T WORK FOR ME BUT THEY WORK FOR EVERYONE ELSE
I HATE THAT THEY THINK I DO IT JUST TO UPSET THEM
BUT WHAT I HATE MOST IS ___me___
I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH AND THERE AREN'T ENOUGH WORDS TO EXPRESS IT
I HATE WHAT I'M DOING TO ME, BUT I DESERVE IT
I DESERVE EVERYTHING I GET
EVERYTHING I DO TO MYSELF
EVERYTHING ANYONE ELSE DOES TO ME
THE WHOLE LOT
BECAUSE I AM SUCH A TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, _EVIL_ PERSON
NO
I'M NOT EVEN A PERSON
I'M A 'THING'
I'M NOT REAL
NOT COMPLETELY ANYWAY
ONLY A SHELL FOR THEM TO HURT AND FOR ME TO HURT AND DESTROY
BUT WHAT IS INSIDE IS _NOTHING_
THERE IS NOTHING THERE
NOTHING LEFT
MAYBE THERE NEVER WAS ANYTHING
BUT EVEN IF THERE WAS, THERE'S NOT ANYMORE.
NO ONE HAS EVER EXISTED ON THIS PLANET WHO WAS, OR WILL BE, AS EVIL AND VILE AND HORRIFICALLY TERRIBLE AS ME
AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT.
HATE
HATE
HATE

Posted on Feb 26, 2004, 2:51 AM

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Enigma

by

I'm so glad you wrote. I am sorry you feel so horrible. I hope you will continue to talk, because you do deserve to heal, even though you don't feel like you do. I personally don't think you are evil or vile...I think you are a valuable person who has done a lot to help y'all survive despite the horror y'all have been through. I'm here if you want to talk...either here or in e-mail. Please know that I care.

Terrie

Posted on Mar 11, 2004, 7:31 AM

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you are not alone

by lin

I thought I was the only one who felt like you do, but unfotunately, there are many of us. We hate ourselves because we feel so helpless and are infuriated that no one can take the pain away. I know. Sometimes I fly into rages so bad that I think I'm going to burst into flame. I've had shrinks brand me as "the angriest person they've ever seen". They mock me, and I want them to have to live in my body and feel what I feel--they would be forced to understand the pain and anger. If some ass$%^& don't understand, they can go eat dirt. I hear you. I feel just like you do and I totally understand. I am one very pissed off chick.

Posted on Apr 26, 2004, 5:50 AM

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I tried....i cant.....

by sandra

been trying hard to not think or talk about it....
is every year same thing...
but cant let it go...so tired...
shame.soo dirty....
want to gooo away....is better ,is what needed...sooooo shame
not good person not good person week an stupid an no protector...danngggg
i let them hurt me then hurt her....
my litle girl....and let him continut.,.

grrrrrrgrrrrr at me grrrrrr grrrr hithitthi hithithitthithiit hit hit hit
sandra

Posted on Jan 5, 2004, 12:55 PM

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{{{{{{{{{{Sandra}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

by

Sandra,
I know this time of year is so hard for you sweetie. Sandra, you were young, and you did the very best you could. I know you feel like it wasn't enough, but you couldn't have done any more at that time. You did all you could. You protected her in the best way you knew how. I'm so sorry it ended up like it did, and I know it hurts, but sweetie, you are not bad....

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on Jan 5, 2004, 8:50 PM

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Thank you Terrie

by

Just wanted to say thank you- you have helped me way more than I can ever repay you for..............it was very cathartic to release that anger I had back in 2001........not to say I don't still have some.........but for the most part, I am beyond it now, and now see the hope and dawn of healing. Thank you so so much, and may God Bless you richly- Have a wonderful happy New Year Terrie!
Most sincerely,
Mary

Posted on Jan 5, 2004, 2:21 AM

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Mary

by

I'm so very glad that you are doing so much better! Isn't it great to see the progress you've made, and even more so, to see the hope. Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing!

Peace and happiness,
Terrie

Posted on Jan 5, 2004, 8:45 PM

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not sure if this is the right place

by Nikki

hmmm I'm not sure if this forum is just for when we're angry at other people or if it's ok to write here if we're angry at ourselves too. If it's wrong, will you tell me please Terrie? I don't want to do anything wrong.

*trigger for food stuff*

I think I just ate nearly everything in my house. chips and dip, bread and cheese, 2 chocolate bars. I made soup too - spent 2 hours making it but then threw it out because I dare not eat another thing. I ate alot yesterday too - too much really.

I need to stop eating again. It's the only way that works. Eating a little bit doesn't work. I need to stop completely. But this is all irrelevant. I'm angry. Angry at myself for eating SO much over the past 2 days. Angry at myself for no doubt gaining a phenominal amount of weight over the past 2 days (I'm too scared to weigh myself and find out). I'm furious at myself for giving in to my lack of willpower.

ok, end of my rant. I'm sorry. I just HATE myself SO much. SO SO SO much.



Posted on Dec 25, 2003, 11:20 PM

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Nikki

by

Hi Nikki...this is the right place to be angry at anyone, including yourself. I can understand your anger at yourself for overeating. I know that overeating is very unhealthy to do. I also know that not eating at all is very unhealthy to do. I hoep that you can somehow find a compromise, even if it is for someone else inside to do the eating in order to eat proper amounts. I'm here for you, Nikki, and I care.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Dec 29, 2003, 8:23 PM

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hatred (is that a word)?

by Nikki

I <b>HATE</b> the mother. Why does she do this to me every time I see her? Why??? Why won't she just leave me alone. If she's in a bad mood, that's cool but why the heck does she have to take it out on me! I'm so sick of it. Sick of being triggered because she's angry at someone else. Sick of being yelled at because she's too angry to yell at the person she's really mad with. Sick of being blamed because SHE is in a foul mood.

So now I'm sitting here locked in my bedroom because I"m too scared to come out coz I know she'll only yell at me again.

I can't stand this anymore!!!!!!!!!! I HATE it SO miuch.

<b>triggered badly</b>. don't know what to do. wish I could crawl in a dark hole and never come out. HATE this SO much. HATE it.

...hate me too...

Posted on Dec 14, 2003, 11:37 PM

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Nikki

by

Oh Nikki, I'm so sorry your mother takes her anger out on you like that. You do NOT deserve that, at all!

As for what to do....

1) How often do you see your mother?
2) Is it at your house or hers?
3) What are the circumstances of the visits?

I ask these questions first to try to determine if it is possible to see her less?

Next, how well does she listen to you when you talk to her? If you have never tried talking to her, she might not know how to react if you try (or she could could listen, or she could try to make you feel bad for having feelings and an opinion). I know it can be hard to stand up for yourself when others walk all over you, and that they will often react negatively when you start to stand up for yourself after having let them walk all over you. But perhaps you could stand up for yourself in just a little and learn to be strong on just a little thing, and then gradually let it be bigger things. I'd be glad to help you think of things to try to be strong about if you want.

Your friend,
Terrie

Posted on Dec 16, 2003, 8:14 PM

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thank you Terrie

by Nikki

you're right about alot of stuff Terrie. Mum and I have never really talked about anything. We've always loved each other but we've never had the ability to really sit down and talk to each other. It usually ends up with her getting angry about stuff if it gets too serious. Anger is her way of coping. If she gets upset or sad or anything, she shows it by getting angry. That's how she deals with things I guess.
The problem with that though, is that anger is a huge trigger for me. I know that's not Mum's fault and I don't expect her to not be angry for my sake, I just have to find a way to deal with it I suppose.

As for how often I see her, well I live at home right now. That was a condition of me being released from the hospital in april. If I didn't go live at home, they'd schedule me again and this time it'd be a long-term hospital placement, so I have to try real hard to make the situation with Mum work. It just gets hard sometimes, you know? But it's hard for Mum too and I do know that.

She found out about the self harm tonight - she thought I'd hadn't done it since April (hospital), so she was really devastated (which of course she showed as anger...) She thinks I should be back on medication though, and she also thinks I should be seeing a psychiatrist again. I've explained how terrifying it is for me, but she finds it hard to understand how I can be scared of a person who's never hurt me. I'm not very good at explaining things I suppose.

Sorry this is so long - I'm not very good at keeping things short. Thank you Terrie. You're wonderful.

Love,
Nikki

Posted on Dec 18, 2003, 2:19 AM

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Nikki

by

Hi Nikki. It sounds like even though her anger is triggering for you, you do have a good understanding of why she seems angry so often. That is a good start. Perhaps since you live together and you do love each other, you could sit down and talk to her. Let her know that you love her and that you know that she finds it easier to express anger than sadness or fear or anything like that. Tell her that you don't expect her to change, but that because it is hard for you to deal with it, that you may choose to walk away a lot of the time when she is angry, and that if you do, you would be willing to talk with her later when she and you are both calmed down. Do you think she would be willing to discuss that with you?

Your friend,
Terrie

Posted on Dec 18, 2003, 8:41 PM

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stupid tv *trigger ED*

by alyssa, nikki, um I don't know really

stupid tv
stupid man on tv
stupid man said things that triggered out food issues
stupid man shouldn't be talking about ipecac and how he likes people to throw up
stupid man
stupid stupid man

maybe i'm stupid
stupid for watching
but i couldn't turn it off
i tried honest i did
haven't used ipecac in about 2 years but now i can remember the horrid taste and the emptiness that it gave me

stupid tv
stupid me
stupid everything

sorry terrie


Posted on Nov 27, 2003, 9:49 AM

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alyssa, nikki, and all

by

I'm so sorry that the man on tv was talking about things that triggered you with regard to your ED. Having known people with EDs, I know what a struggle it can be to not succomb to that. Having an ED and being triggered do not make you stupid. I am so glad you have not used that for so long, though, and hope that you are being successful in keeping your ED under control at least partially.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 28, 2003, 1:00 PM

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ty terrie

by alyssa

thank you terrie.
we're ok. we kept everything ok. we didn't do nothing bad even though we was badly triggered. thank you terrie.

Posted on Nov 29, 2003, 8:43 PM

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Hurting

by Cathy

So angry we sposed to see t but she sick and secretary didnt get it that we really need to talk to someone. The one friend whoi we trust enough to talk to doesnt have time either So we are alone no different to before we started working on all this
hate feeling like this
hate dumb people who just dont get it
hate need to si by one inside who wont own up
soryy

Posted on Nov 6, 2003, 4:01 AM

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Hi Cathy

by

I'm so sorry you are hurting and don't have anyone to talk to today. I know it's hard feeling so alone. Please know that you are welcome to talk here anytime you want. You are not alone anymore....

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 6, 2003, 7:04 PM

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anruuyyy

by one of us.....(paule)

we sick....we hurt...body in lots of pain.....
LUC thee body pain older need to be out is too much....
we go for surjery on kidney..or we can loos them...
is major surjeri..is not fist one we get..<
is still skary for all of us...
i skared and angry...
ANGRY ANRY more because if he dunot beet the body then tis was not be happining.....
all tins is cause of him and beace some took drugs....
we didnt hav a big chance....
i angry.....i angryyyyyyyy
%$?%&()&?(*&)*)**)()??(%$&(&
i screammmmmmmmmmmm AMGRYYYYY WERYYYYY ANGRYYYYYYYYYY

Posted on Oct 24, 2003, 8:48 PM

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I'm glad you posted.

by

You certainly have every right to be angry. I think you did a great job of expressing your anger, and I want you to know that you are welcome to come here to express it any time you want to. ok?

I hope you feel better soon, but am here for you whether you do or not.

Terrie

Posted on Oct 24, 2003, 9:27 PM

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not fairrr

by one of us.....(paule)

hate him
hate see all tis apining
we not alowd drink unless is 1/2 soup,1/2 water in morning or super ..no more par day..

why god make him punish us like it?
we r bad..but so much?

wondr why the man did not kill us then..is bee beter no more pain an suffer
no litle criiing..an hiding

karol yell for her momi...dammmm she not get we not have a momni no more an tye one we hav wuz bad

grrrrrrrr hat hat hat ah t grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Posted on Oct 25, 2003, 12:53 PM

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Hi again

by

I can sure understand hating him. It sounds like it is really hard not being able to eat, even though I know that Paule tends to not want to eat anyway.

Sweetie, I know it is easy to think that bad things are a punishment from God, but they are not. God wants everyone to be happy, but because people have free-will to do what they want, some choose to do bad things and hurt others. That actually makes God very sad, so He gives us doctors and friends and people to talk to and to help us so we can try to heal from the hurts. Does that mak sense?

I'm not sure why the man did not kill y'all, but I'm glad he did not. I am saddened that you are suffering so much, but I am hopeful that things will get better and that you will not be in all that pain (physical and emotional).

I think karol is yelling for me....please let her know that I'm right here and I love her and she can write to me anytime, or maybe even call me.

Feel free to continue to write as often as you want/need to get the anger out. I'm glad you are venting it and not holding it all inside.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Oct 26, 2003, 9:45 AM

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hey T

by me again...

tomorow is tha day
going in....dont wana...no oone want to ...

yur karol momi? how so? well she been asking for yu all right...non stop...she skard..

lucie is with her now...

aitn fair non of it is...
i heer yu aobut the god stuff ..yu saying man are responsible not god...
still dont get wi he did all this and ..
anyway it dont matteer..nothign do..nothing do

me

Posted on Oct 29, 2003, 6:54 PM

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Hi again

by

karol decided that since she did not have a good momi, that she wanted for me to be her momi instead, so now she calls me momi. She knows I am safe and do not hurt her. I am glad lucie has been with her...please let her know that I am holding her safe in my heart.

I know it is hard understanding about God and stuff...perhaps if you want to talk about it more I can help you understand better.

I hope you all are doing better and that things are ok with the kidneys. I am thinking about you all.

Terrie

Posted on Nov 5, 2003, 1:07 PM

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im sorry

by davey

hi. my name is davey. im sorry your body hurt so bad. we have somethin like that goin on to. but our therpist say that we feelin helpless enough with some things we cant control, so he not want us to keep thinkin how our daddy made us have to have bad surgrys now. my big person is tryin to tell us that is maybe not totally becuase our daddy so we not feel so helpless. it work some. would it work if you try that?
ps- it dont help with the fisical pain though, it just helps you take the fisical pain better
(we cant eat much eather because we have to have a whole new jaw put in our face :( yuck! i hate fisical stuff, dont you?)
bye bye
davey

Posted on Oct 25, 2003, 8:22 PM

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davey

by me

im not sure iget what yu meen,..
i no i dont get all anyway.maybe is the meds?? maybe am too stupid...duno...
im at a point were anger is no more..
the pain and all ...is there but not there..
all i wish is he dont come out of jail..

i dont always think of why
he onli left the home months ago....maybe a year...even if i doon want to think of him...
lawers and pain an kids remind me..
hard to reali forget huh?

ty for taking
bye

sorry yur hurting to btw

Posted on Oct 29, 2003, 6:57 PM

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people not understanding

by Nikki (from Nikki's people)

grrr.
someone online just posted a message on a mailing list I'm on, saying that DID alters are not real, and that they're just VOICES inside my head. GRRR. They ARE real. They're individuals with thoughts, feelings, and ideas. We just share one body, that's all.

They're far more than just a voice inside my/our head. MUCH more.

I know this person was hurting, and I'm sorry... I also know that some of my alters have hurt others (I hate to admit to that, but it's true) - they have alot of issues probably stemming from childhood abuse and stuff, but I still take FULL responsibility for their actions. I can't just say "oh well my alter hurt you, not me, so it's not my fault"... I have to take ownership of the problems/hurt/etc that my insders cause. People seem to forget that they hurt ME too (the alters hurt me, I mean)...

Grr.

They're not all bad, you know. They're not all horrible and hurtful. Some are just little and scared and hurting so badly they don't know how to cope...

But they are most definitely NOT just voices inside my head. NO NO NO NO NO.

Nikki

Posted on Oct 4, 2003, 9:32 PM

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Nikki

by

Right on you are! Thank you so much for sharing the truth about how some inside people (who are very much real, I agree) are just hurting so badly that they don't know how to act. My hope is that through finding people to talk to (such as on this forum) even those ones will find understanding and be able to learn and heal. I've seen it happen, so I know it can. Thank you again for writing.

Terrie

Posted on Oct 7, 2003, 10:40 PM

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About the forum

by

Our spammer has returned once again, and in an effort to keep this board safe, I now have set it up so that all messages need to be approved before showing up. If all stays quiet for a while I will try the open forum again and see how it goes, but I will not tolerate this spammer and will put it back on moderated again if necessary in order to keep you all SAFE. Sorry for the inconvenience everyone....

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 29, 2003, 2:09 AM

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You Hurt Me Daddy

by

When I was 2 you started things. I loved you so much. You called me your precious one and you said you loved me alot. The way you loved me turned not so nice. You made me think things more than twice. I laughed and cried throughout my hurt. You tickled me and then it hurt. You were my dad, how could you do that? You took advantage of my innoncence. You asked for kisses and I gave them. The ones you gave me were so wrong for a 2 and 3 year old girl. Not only did you kiss me, you touched me in places a dad should never touch his daughter. When I got older, I told you no, I told you no dad please no. You didn't care, you wanted plesure, no matter that you were hurting your little treasure. You made me sad, and I am hurting. The pain I felt was so so deep, how could you dad...couldn't you see? The way I hurt, the tears in me, My heart was broken before I was 3. Childhood I had none, maybe only when I was 1. The rest of the years that you abuse me....2,3,5,6,7,8,9,10,11 -- did you really think I was 27? At 8 I screamed when you tried to penetrate me, I screamed so hard, you got so scared, you stopped and told me not to yell. All I could think was why daddy why, this is your little girl why do you hurt me. I'm numb right now and have calmed down. It's been a week of anger, hurt, sadness, fear, helplessness. Right now I'm just calm and numb. I'm waiting for something terrible to happen. I can't believe I'm so calm. I went through hell this week when all the memories were coming back one by one. All 26 of them. That's how many times it happened between the ages of 2-11. I feel so sad and empty. I can't even face my dad right now. I don't want to see him, I don't want to talk to him, but I will. When I get myself together...I will. The hell he put me through, he'll be living it now. I now I have to forgive and let go...but I can't do that now. Goodbye daddy your daughter's gone, you had a daughter until she was one. You took her innoncence away now it's time for you to pay. Your daughter now is all grown up, she'll speak to you and than shut up. Because that's the last time you will see her, because your daughter will be gone forever. Please ask God for your forgiveness because right now I can't forgive you. I will go on a day at a time. I will be healing while you will be pealing...all the layers of evilness that you did, with your daughter and all the girls besides me. You will remember all your horrendous acts and pray to God that you won't be back. When you die (I think it's soon) you'll be so sad. Your 84...I give you a year to live this hell, the hell you put me through beetween 2 and 11 Goodbye daddy goodbye...you lost your daughter whose 37. I'll live my life without afather...a father I never had. I despise you at times, I hate you at times, and I feel so much pity for you. You're suffering your own hell right now I know and it's going to get worse. You're going to suffer the consequences of all of your actions. I hope your satisfied! You did satisfy yourself sexually at the time! I hope it was worth it and that you don't regret any bit of it. Since it was what you chose to do with your daughter. You were happy then doing that I hope you'll be happy now when I tell you that I remember and that I despise you for that. The loving daughter that I was with you will no longer be....goodbye daddy goodbye...you hurt me when I was 2 and 3, etc.......

Posted on Sep 27, 2003, 8:26 PM

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ninalinda

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You expressed yourself very well, and I applaud you for facing the memories, as painful as they are. Please feel free to write here whenever you want/need to.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 28, 2003, 8:27 PM

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ninalinda

by nikki and afew others (from nikki's people)

hi ninalinda,
we think you are very very brave for what you wrote and we wish we were brave enough to do it. we can't say it or write it down - i think that maybe it hurts too much, and it's easier to keep it blocked - and you should be very proud of yourself. you are inspirational to us.

love,
nikki and some others inside

Posted on Oct 1, 2003, 5:50 AM

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After effect of abuse....on kids......***May trigger,no spoilers*

by Paule.....

Today I realy understand what after effect does...is...
He..last abusr is no more here,there is no more threats and there is no way he can harm us.Last time we heard of him was about 11 month ago (my kids anyway)...
I have 2 kids...8 and 12.
My 8 yrs old is having/giving me problem in school and home...behavior,school work,..and more.She gets into these rage...she scares me......she yell and kik...She still pee at night...in bed

Then she acts like nothing happen..

She gets tease at school,she was bullied in grade 2...plus the teacher made fun of her.By the time i found out,it was end of the year...*sigh* She also has weight problem,(part from gene,other part from medical problem) so she is called names...

Her memory is real bad..cant seem to retain anything in school...not even sure she is there...she was diagnose with attention defficit..but still.....she has good grades

Today she disapeard for about 2hrs....and cant realy say where she was.....she was riding her bike.like she say...but only god knows where..I was soo relief to see her...but then wanted to kill her....yu know?She came home as if nothing....she has no idea of time....cant telll time nor can she make realy the different between 30 mins or 2 hrs...

not sure what to do...Will call in am her doc...

I love her so much,hate to see her hurt.She is my life....
My oldest think is her fault.....(that I got undercontrol...I hope)

And me I thought he's out...I can start to live......He hurt them more then I thought.....I hurt them more....
never thought they new..Always stay because of the kids....

~~~If i have one thing to say to a mother in a bad marriage....get out while yu can ,dont wait....



Posted on Sep 17, 2003, 9:43 PM

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{{{{{{{{Paule}}}}}}}

by katy

just a thought! maybe you could buy your youngest a watch that has an alarm on it and before she goes out to play you could set the alarm for half hour later so she knows when it goes off she needs to head back home.


Posted on Sep 19, 2003, 2:06 AM

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{{{{{{{{{{Paule}}}}}}}}}}

by

I'm so sorry you are having these problems with your youngest daughter. Can I ask, do you have your daughters in therapy? If so, you might write a note to her therapist to let him/her know what is going on, so they can address it. If they are not in therapy, you might want to consider it. Abuse can have a very big affect on kids, and they need a chance to process it, and won't always do that with their mom.

Love you lots,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 20, 2003, 1:17 AM

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(((paule)))

by Nikki (from Nikki's people)

Hi Paule,

I just wanted to say that we understand - we have gone through something very similar but with our brother, not our child. I know it must be even harder if it's your child.

You are in our thoughts - you are very brave and very strong and I know you can get through this. You are a wonderful person and your children are lucky to have you in their lives.

I wish I could do something to help.

Love,
Nikki

Posted on Sep 23, 2003, 7:00 PM

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update

by paule

i called social worker...i was loosing it
now have to go to a famiily T.....(weird familly)daughter and me.......
will see from there....
ty for yur support

paule

Posted on Sep 25, 2003, 10:56 PM

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Paule

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Sweetie, it is so much better to reach out for help than to overwhelm yourself. Please do keep me updaed on how it is going. I know this all has been incredibly hard on you, and I think of you often.

Love you lots,
Terrie

Posted on Sep 26, 2003, 5:43 PM

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terrie

by paule

it has been a lot
a whole lot..
way too mush if yu ask me
i think of you often
an to be honest if i was alone...not kids...
iw ould not live here no more...
id move or something
i do love my kids
dont anyone get me wrong....
is just so hard .....
monday is Terapist(familly) time will know more...

i lov yu terri


Posted on Sep 27, 2003, 9:33 PM

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Paule

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Sweetie, I know it is harder to relocate with kids to consider, but even with kids it is possible to do so, if that is what you need to do in order to take care of yourself. Sweetie, I hope you find out more in therapy tomorrow, and that things get easier. I agree that you have been through too much, and I wish so much that I could make it all better, but am so grateful to have the opportunity to be your friend. I love you sweetie.

Terrie

Posted on Sep 28, 2003, 8:21 PM

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