I am so tired right now. Haven't been able to sleep hardly at all in days. The little bit I do sleep I end up waking up in another horrible nightmare. And then I cry the rest of the night. They are so real & it's worse going through them now than it was back then. I can't understand why. I ask myself many questions all the time. Guess I'll never find the answers. But, I still wonder why my own grandfather had to hurt me? Why he ripped my childhood from me & forced me to grow up so fast? Why I am the one feeling guilty & taking the blame? I have always took the blame for everything that happens around me. I feel like trash, like I am worthless & unimportant to everyone. I feel so scared & alone. Men have hurt me all my life. My ex & even now I gte hurt. I am so tired of the pain. Tired of people turning away from me when I need them the most. It's always been this way. It hurts me so bad. Maybe being hurt by men is all I deserve. I'm so confused. Why can't people love me? Am I so horrible? I just hurt so bad & feel like an outsider that nobody can relate to. All I want is to be loved. I'm not sure I even know what the word love means! I would like to just shut myself in my room & never come out, so people can't hurt me anymore but, then grandad fixed that. Then I'd be in there facing the pain he gave me. Why can't people care for me like I do them? I love everyone around me. Always doing for others. Nobody ever does anything here for me? I try to show people I care hoping they will care back but, instead I get used so many times. I'm afraid to trust anyone. Everyone betrays my trust. That hurts so bad. I want to feel like smiling. I can't seem to find it anymore. All my life I've covered up my pain by smiling & pretending to be happy. I was told not to tell anyone what really happened. So I didn't. I was told this had caused enough trouble in my family. Well, what about the trouble it's caused & is still causing in my life? Don't my pain matter? Well, I am just tired of hurting. I don't feel like I belong any where I go. I am so tired of carrying this load. I pray the Lord above will help me. I am scared. I am tired. I just want a life. I just want someone to love me. I want to be understood. And for people to hug me instead of run from me. That cuts me so deeply inside. Well thanks for listening. I just hurt so bad & have no where else to go so hope it was okay to come here.