I can understand exactly where you're coming from. I'm so sorry you're hurting too. I know you feel bad to avoid your sister too at times but, you have to do what makes you feel safe sometimes. I like you don't understand why my grandfather couldn't show me love. He said that's what it was & I was special but, it sure never felt that way. It was too painful to be love. He molested me every other weekend from age 4 until I was 9. Well by about age 7 it ended up being more of rape than molesting. I asked why does he like hurting me so bad? I tried to block out the horrible memories & did fairly well with it for a while until I was a teenager & started dating. That's when allot of my trouble started. I felt so ugly & so confused & as bad as I wanted to forget those memories I couldn't. Many times I tried to commit suicide hoping to find a peace I needed so much. I knew that wasn't an answer though. I knew I had to face my problem & for me that was so hard to do. And still is. Sometimes I still feel like that helpless little girls. I have held most of the worst memories in now for 26 years. My mom told me at the age of 9 never to bring it up again so I didn't until recently. But, keeping these things in didn't make the problem better it just made it much worse. Now it seems to have turned into this huge monster & it's so hard to live with the pain. The nightmares make it so hard to sleep & I get very little sleep. Some nights none at all. I sit here afraid because I feel his eyes are following me every where. It's like he's right here. I thought when he died when I turned 14 my pain was over. I was wrong it has just gotten worse & turned into this huge storm. I too feel bad that I can't handle this well like others & feel less of a person because I have to come on here to let some of my pain out. But, then I have always felt shame & that I was less of a person because I let this happen. Nobody else protected me so I should have taken better care of myself. But, I didn't mean to go on & on. I just understand your pain & I'm here anytime you need to talk. Take care of yourself. I hope things get easier for you.