today, we put the ring we were given back on
we can't let go and forget
it feels like the pain we're going through right now is worse than any pain we've ever felt
i'm little hope... or hopey
no one but me knew we fragmented until this week
it's very hard
i'm not gonna make a lot of sense to anyone but me, i think, but i need to talk at least to myself, for myself
yesterday we went to a renessaince fair
i loved it and so did breeze...
the thing was, i jumped off the bleachers( we were watching a live chess game with real people) at the very top, thinking we were still young and well, our body isn't and we landed plop on the ground
we're ok and stuff
but now, i'm remembering the day that ri...talked on the phone to someone and she was so sad and upset
she sat on a lawn chair outdoors and it collapsed and she fell on her butt, and we hurt for years...it was a constant reminder of what we lost and of that day
we went and got a green peasant top since it was st patrick's day and we couldn't forget last year and the fun we had...we had just bought our truck
now, we probably will be selling it for a bunch of reasons
so, we have our ring on
we are so outcast and yet we do so well here in real life
we broke a boundary today and we called right away to say we had
it was ok because we really needed to...no bigee
but, we aren't what others think of when they think of us
we get mixed up lots, who doesn't when they are multi?
this is what we learned:
no one person is aware 100% of the time when something is said or done by another
no one in here that we have around the outside world would ever intentionally hurt anyone else
but, we do react differently to what people say and even just by their gestures...we become afraid that all we do is the wrong thing like we were told as kids
when someone tells you that they love you, most people can accept it
as individuals in here, it's different and we can see it in others so why haven't we seen it in ourselves
not just those words, but all words
i'm trying to make all of this clear at least for me because i shouldn't have fragmented and i did and i need to become one again with Hope...
we've been accused of things we haven't done
but, now we realize that in the eyes of others, they see it differently
maybe because what they think is a perp or abuse, is not what we did or do
we also know that when confronted or asked, lots of our littles, will cry and tell a story and if they don't know who it was cuz it's not their part of the memory, they might name someone else
we have found that some that we thought abused us didn't, and then, some others have
but, i do know, that if someone tells me that i am bad, i do believe them...i have to be, that's what people say so why isn't it true
it's because my back is up against a wall and i don't know who is the bad person or the person who did something bad
i saw a child break down, crying that they were bad and caused a big mistake...how i wanted to comfort them
but, i couldn't...because i wasn't sure what my part was and i didn't want to hurt them anymore
i know this child
i also know this sweet child gets pushed to the front way too often and isn't protected
but that's my outlook on it
i witnessed it often enough
i don't know if this happens to us too
do some of our littler ones get pushed up front to take blame when they shouldn't?
do they blame someone else because they are too afraid to tell the truth? if somebody puts a name in their mouth, wouldn't they just accept it as that?
i'm not a little, but i am still young and i have accepted names that have been put into my own heart
i couldn't allow that to become the "outside" part of us because i was dangerous and just horrible
in therapy, we are learning what was right and what was wrong...we are learning that we have some responsibility in our actions today because of the past, but we are not who we were told in the past
in just one memory, there could be as many as 20 or so of us who remember it
but, we all took on a part in it
when pushed for information, differences come out
this makes coming together very difficult
but, it does show me for sure that others with DID also do the same thing
we did not intentionally, ever hurt anyone...it's not our nature...we are kind hearted people with every intention in the world to show goodness and non prejudice as we've taught our children on the outside
i'm really hoping that people who are saying things about us that aren't true, know that we do think about it often and pick it apart until we can't function and it hurts
we are doing our best to separate little ones from this all, hoping they don't think they are bad people
i don't know...they won't talk about it
we have t tomorrow and i have to talk about all that's happened and explain the fragmenting...it's like going backwards
i do know that i was part of hurting someone while i had the power to, that i never ever met in person, and i wish with all my heart that i could find this person and let her know how sorry i am
it would be what is right to do
i am sorry for doing that awful thing...making another feel that they were not who they said they were
i've now met others who have said they were hurt by people in some kind of power, who told them that they must be lying and are not multi
who has that right to say anything like that????? not me for sure....i am not God or anything close to it
i am just me, and we are just we
i can and do apologize for hurt feelings because of myself and as a human, that should be okay, especially if i have never intentionally tried to hurt anyone, ever
why do others believe things that didn't happen?
why do people put thoughts into other people's heads???
i am a teen and i tend to see what i can get away with like any other teen
but, i also know, i would not hurt anyone on purpose except probably myself
that's all
i hope i can remember and say all that in t
i'm not a liar or a bitch or a perp...
i'm hope...
that's what my mom would call me and i didn't know enough then not to believe her
i didn't do anything wrong...she did
i'm not looking for another fight
i won't respond to false accusations from those who won't listen and have closed minds
i have tried and tried to be a good person in here
i know i am
i have three wonderful children that i raised
they have their problems and some of them are because of me, but they are basically healthy and definitely happy people who feel safe
that's a good thing
nothing else really matters if i'm honest with myself