Moving into some big heavy memory work with T and it is SCARY. We have scheduled this marathon thing in June, fixed the dates yesterday and I am feeling so awful. The anticipation is making me toss up, I have a pounding headache. But the worst is this all encompassing sense of guilt. Guilt for taking her huge chunk of time, guilt for not being able to let hubby in on it, guilt for spending the money on myself although I think it will be worth it. Guilt because I deserve to hurt even though I wasn't responsible for the events that put me where I am now.
I guess it's just confusing. That self-hatred thing is so strong right now. But I laid in the tub this morning telling myself I deserve relief from this burden, that T is getting paid to do this, that hubby will end up with a better partner, attempting to turn the negative messages into positives ones.
So why can't I make my brain believe any of it? My body either.... I am totally miserable.