I hear so much pain in your words, and I know you are feeling that pain, and that it hurts to the core. I can assure you, though, that you do not deserve it, and that it is not your fault. Perps have ways of keeping us from telling, and keeping us from fighting back successfully. We are not to blame for their manipulations that kept us locked into the abuse. They kept us scared...scared of what they were doing, and scared of what would happen if we told. We were trapped, and we each did the very best that we knew how to do to take care of ourselves in such awful circumstances. We deserve praise for surviving such horror!
I know it hurts, and I know the depression, the nightmares, the flashbacks, can all take such a toll on us. But healing is possible. A good therapist is essential. Medication can help too. And please remember...you are not alone. Even though many people cannot handle what you have been through, we are here together. Hang in there, and heal. You deserve to do so.