It can be really hard to learn to trust after being programmed not to. It sounds like you have some very vivid memories. I think you were brave to say a little bit about them. I hope that the internal psych staff and inside deprogrammer help you feel better, and I want you to know that I am here for you as you are ready to talk or trust, if you decide that is what you want to do. The choice is yours though, and I do want you to take care of yourself and do what is best for you.