I'm not sure when you will see this, but I'm gonna write it anyway.
"am postin this here cause i just am an maybe just 1 other person feels or has feeled some same...ok
is like this... i feel like im am bein changed 2 be some 1 else.. is hard 2 say what im meanin but is like
everythin i was is bein changed an im am bein made 2 be some 1 else..."
I think I understand what you are saying, and I want to point out to you that everyone changes over time. I am definately not the same person I was even 5 years ago. And you are at an age when those changes are happening so quickly anyway, just because of your age. And then on top of that, your entire living circumstances are different than they were so that, too, brings change to our lives. Changes in my living situtaions have brought changes in me too, over the years. And I know change can be uncomfortable and even scary sometimes, but life is full of change, and that includes ourselves. Additionally, we don't change because other people change us, though at times some may try...but we change how we choose to change, partly based on the information we have from the people we know. Perhaps you didn't used to know that it's ok to say "no", and you got to Jackie's and you can now say "no" without getting hurt, so you might choose to say "no" more often, and maybe even go overboard and say it all the time (I'm not saying you do, cuz I don't know...this is just a made up example). And if you were to go overboard and say "no" to things that it was not as ok to say "no" to, you might get a consequence of some type (such as, you said "no" to the computer rule when you were here, and you got a consequence of being banned from the computer for a while), and so you again change to either say "no" more to rebel (in this example, get on the computer more), or to say "no" less (such as abiding by the consequence) to try to not get more consequences. That is how we grow...we learn and we make choices based on what we have learned.
"ok i did sorta hate me old life an all but like i dont not wanna be so totaly diff... me thoughts an stuff i believe always end up bein wrong an then i only agree with other peeps so i can be like them an i no i aint not gunna win an then i think well whats is right an what aint...i cant not always be the wrong 1 an i just do think why cant i not get nothin right.. is like stuff realy was easyer with me mum an step dad cause least i got it right an now i cant get nothin right an if i could change what i done i wouldnt not neva have told an peeps can say thats real crazy an all but least me life was righter then...."
I think that even though you were embarrassed by Jackie reading here, her reply was right on the money...it was not YOU that was wrong, it was what you were taught, and that was not cuz your mom was bad, but most likely cuz that's what she was taught. And yes, back then it was easier and you got it right cuz it's what you knew...and now it's hard to "get things right" cuz you are learning a lot of new things and it takes time to learn those things. It makes things confusing, it brings up a lot of feelings, it take work that you sometimes just don't want to do. What you are going through emotionally makes perfect sense considering what you have been through situationally.
"an that aint not the only thing neither an is like me mum neva existed now an if i say her name peeps get all uncomfortable an go on bout somethin else an i no she werent not the best person round or nothin an she was nothin 2 them but she was me mum an i dont not care no more that she hurt me an id rather be livin with her again an gettin hurt then livin ways im am now... i want me mum all the time an just no 1 gets it.. "
Jamie-lee, I completely understand about you missing your mom. She was your mom, and the only mom you had, and you loved and still love her. You are welcome to talk about her any time you want to here, and no matter what she did to you, I still honor that she was your mom and that bond between you two which is so very strong.
"an when me mum was angry at me she let me no it an didnt not lie 2 me an all but now here i am on the net an i aint not even meant 2 be on here but am here cause i wanna be an am sicka bein good an doin what other peeps want an i dont not care if am doin the wrong thing an what happens well nothin...i some times wish me carer will just belt me so 2 prove she aint no diff..... "
Sweetie, Jackie IS different than your mom, but that doesn't mean that one was a better person than the other. I imagine it is confusing that you used to get beat for doing the slightest little thing, and now you can get away with almost anything. I agree with Jackie that it's not ok to hit, and so I am glad she does not belt you....but I am also glad she is giving you consequences. Cuz you know what? When you go out in the world to live on your own, life is gonna give you consequences. If you choose to break the rules at your job, you can lose it and not have any income. If you break the rules of your lease when you have an apartment, you could be evicted and not have a place to live. If you break the rules of driving you can get a ticket and have to pay a fine, and maybe even show up in court. If you choose to spend your entire paycheck on whatever you want as soon as you get one, and a week later you have no food in the house, you go hungry. If you choose to sleep late instead of getting a shower before you go somewhere, people might look at you funny cuz your hair doesn't look clean. If you choose to stay 5 minutes longer at the pizza restaurant and miss the last bus home, and you can't get hold of anyone by phone to come get you, you can end up stuck out on the street clear across town alone in the dark. If you choose to have sex you could end up pregnant or with a disease that may or may not be able to be cured. Some of these may sound extreme, but the happen every day to people who didn't learn how to follow rules or didn't learn to make smart choices. Your teenage years are a good time to learn how to make the smart choices. It's a time when you are transistioning from child to adult. You are gaining more independence, but still have a lot of learning to do. It's a time when you don't want to listen to grown ups, but you're not quite ready to do it all on your own and still have a good, safe life (even though you think you are). Believe it or not, you are not the only person to feel that way. And I hope that you will take the time you need to continue to learn the things that are available for you to learn.
"IS IT SO BAD 2 JUST WANT ME MUM EVEN IF SHE WERENT NOT LIKE OTHER PEEPS MUMS????????......."
No, Jamie-lee, it is not bad of you to want your mom. Not at all. And she will be in your heart always, and that's ok. I know you miss her, and I know that hurts, and I wish I could take away the pain for you...but all I can do is offer you a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen and a heart to care. You are a good person, Jamie-lee. You really are. And you don't deserve all the heartache that life has given you already, but I promise that you don't have to deal with it all alone.