I took the transportation van to a group yesteday and there were two drivers in the van.
They didn't talk with me at all but started talking about the Bible and Revelations. The man talked about s*t*n and what he looks like and about being the morning star and a bunch of things that triggered memories. We've been a mess ever since that and have been crying and crying. I don't know why or who was hurt inside. I'm not as good as Riley...was at figuring out who is who inside and who feels what.
I feel very inadequate as a host right now. I'd like for Riley...to take over again but that would mean calling us Riley...and no one here knows us as Riley...
I just can't handle this job. Lttle Hope is not as close as I want her to be and I'm not sure if she is blending somewhat or if she just wanted to be totally out of the loop for now.
I don't know why I am so sad or why I got trigered. I sure wish that man in the van hadn't talked about that stuff in front of me. We ended up dissociating right before we got there and someone was watching kids get off of school busses with their moms or dads waiting for them. Then we were sad because our Mom would have and didn't ever wait for us to get off any school bus.
I am very frightend inside and I don't know everything to make it better. I just know we went through r*t**l abuse and it was bad. I know I am supposed to be a grown up but I don't feel much over 30 and our body is much older than that. Riley...is exactly the right age. What do I do? I took over for her because she was unable to cope after a break up. I think she can handle things riht now and she said she would, but she's afraid of another break up if she insists on being called Riley... So many people would be confused if they heard us being called Riley... I think that if we get our name changed like we had always planned on doing and tell our friends that our name has been legally changed to Riley...that no one can say anything strange about us. Only in t do they know that we are really Mary and it bothers us to have to go by that name every time we check in or call for transportation or call about appointments or anything else.
But for now, I have to let triggers ride themselves out because I was only made to help out because Riley...couldn't function. Now it's causing even deeper problems. I'm too afraid to ask why or who is triggered. I just rock back and forth alot to comfort those little ones inside.
I feel awful.