I'm sorry I had to write but I can't get the memories away. I've remembered something big. Something important but it's horrible because I can FEEL it and it's something that I shouldn't know what it feels like. I don't know what it feels like - or at least I didn't think I knew what it felt like but I do know. I've known for a long time. I just didn't realise.
I don't know what to do with these memories - they're really awful and the feelings are even worse. They make me be sick, literally. Being sick isn't helping with my food issues either. I'm so huge, but that's not the point. I don't even care about that right now.
The images are so clear - I can SEE it happening. And now I can FEEL it and I shouldn't know what that feels like because... well because I shouldn't. But I do. And it's horrible, except horrible isn't a bad enough word to describe how it feels.
I am so disgustingly filthy and awful. I've had 4 showers since I got out of bed and they haven't made me any cleaner. I feel so repulsive.
I'm sorry this is so long. I'm sorry I had to write it at all.