when I didn't know the extent of the pain inflicted upon me by my father, a time when I felt whole, atime that I felt happy to be, just be.
Always I knew of the abuse, the being woken in the night with hands in my knickers, of waking to a thrusting penis down my throat of not being able to breath, of being examined as I reached puberty so he could assess the changes to my budding form, these things I have always known.
Now I know of many darker more painful times of being tied, of being penetrated, of having the family dog put to me, of pain and hurt and fear and anger and despair.
I wish I had never learnt of these things, I want my ignorance back