It's been almost a year now, huh? I'm not surprised that you cried. They could have been tears of happiness or relief, and/or tears about losing a person who should have been a safe person in your life, but wasn't. Because, you see, when someone dies, all hopes and dreams that are related to that person are affected. So if a part of you wished that Tormentor had been different, then any hope of that happening (no matter how unrealistic that hope may have been) died when Tormentor died. Does that make sense? Let me give a fairly neutral example....let's say that I had a cat who was always biting and scratching me. Let's say that I wished that the cat were a nice kitty that I could just hold and pet and who wouldn't hurt me. I know I can't make the kitty be a nice kitty, but deep down I still wish it were a nice kitty. When the kitty eventually dies, any hope of it becoming a nice kitty is gone. My dreams of the kitty being a nice kitty didn't come true, and even though I knew in my head that the kitty would never change and become a nice kitty (and even if it did, that wouldn't take away the scars from the previous bites and scratches), I still wish the kitty could have been a nice kitty, and now it will never happen. And so I feel sad about losing the nice kitty that I wanted but never had. And it can be the same way with people.
As you approach the anniversary of his death next month, how are you doing? I hope you are doing well...but some people have reactions to anniversaries, so I hope you will take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself as the day approaches.