This is a safe place to talk about your memories. I've created a safe meadow where you can put the memories and let the gentle breeze quiet the pain. Many of the memories are difficult to talk about, and may be very difficult to read about, so please take gentle care of yourself.

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demmmm flasss noooooggoooooo werrrrrr wannnforgit....dammmmm damm immmm ....
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
fuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkfuuuuunnnnnklkkkkkkkguuuuuulllnnnnn

Posted on Apr 8, 2002, 10:15 PM

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Hi there

by

I know flashbacks are so hard. I hope you are feeling better by the time you read this, or at least that you feel better soon.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 9, 2002, 7:27 AM

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part 2 of what i think of forgiving

by Jamie-lee

If you dont feel good and if things you read hurt you then please dont read what i type here
im gunna do something lisa taught me to do here and type further down so you dont accidently read it. Its not nice an i have said some pretty bad words.
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About forgiving people who hurt you well i think that it sux. for me anyway if someone else wants to thats kool its there choice but i have been told by two people so far to not be angry because anger hurts you and that i should try to forgive my stupid mum and her stupid husband. Why should i forgive them?
Maybe i should say its ok mum for hating me
or its ok mum for scaring my friends away
or its ok mum for all the times you hit me over the head for things as little as not eating my dinner
or its ok mum for telling me every day that you would rather be dead and thanks for the times you did try to and i come home and found you thinking you were dead.
or its ok for the times you went psycho and held a knife to my throat cause you thought i was reading your thoughts. or for the time you threw me through a glass window for nothing, the time you made me stand outside all night with nothing on because i spilt my dinner on my clothes, or the time you shaved my hair off all cause i had trouble combing it. You phsychotic bitch.
or how about thanks mum for marrying a man more interested in me then you.
or even better then forgiving my mum how about i just forgive the man who gave me a life of hell
who tied me up and belt me across the back with a bamboo stick then had sex with me
who made me do sick and horrible things to him that were just yuk
who did all this and made me hurt forever.
Because of both these people and there not really people they are animals but cause of them i now have nightmares about it all. I make a idiot of myself in front of my (real mum) when i wake up screaming at night and then realise i have wet the bed like a stupid baby and that is humiliating. I throw up all the time when i think too much about things that i cant stop thinking about. I make sores all over my skin because i feel so gross that i try to scrub him off me in the shower because i feel like he is all over me all of the time. And i am scared all of the time and no matter what i cant stop being scared. I have someone who likes and cares about me alot now and i know im going to disapoint her cause i cant go to school cause im even scared of that now, she thinks im there now but another day im not. I hate myself so much and i cant stop that either. People say that forgiving helps you feel better well thats crap and i will never not ever forgive these two people who ruined my life. It WONT make me feel better and what will make me feel better is to be allowed to tie both them up and belt the crap out of them or have them locked up forever. I HATE THEM. I HATE ME AND I HATE FEELING BAD AND THATS ALL I FEEL NOW. I JUST HATE EVERYTHING... LIFE JUST SUX. All i wanted was to be a normal kid.

Posted on Apr 2, 2002, 9:25 PM

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Hi Jamie-lee

by

It's ok to be angry. It really is. You have every right to be angry. I think that while forgiveness is a good thing, and is a healthy thing to do when one is ready for it, there is also a time and a place for anger. I am glad you are expressing your anger here. It definately was NOT ok for your mum and step-dad to do the things they did to you. And even if you do get past the anger to forgiveness one day, that still does not mean that you think it was ok for them to do those things, cuz nothing will ever make it ok for them to have done those things.

I hope that you can get to a place in your recovery where you don't feel so dirty all the time...cuz you are NOT dirty. It is very common for survivors to feel dirty, though, and many of them do scrub like you described. The other things you described are common as well...the nightmares, wetting the bed, throwing up, fear of going out. Are you in therapy right now, Jamie-lee? If not, ask your mom to help you find a good therapist, because these are all things you can work on so that you can be more of what you would consider to be a "normal kid". You deserve to have that opportunity, Jamie-lee. Please know that I'm here if you want/need to talk.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 2, 2002, 9:56 PM

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I think you are normal

by NP

I do all those things and more. I hate myself. Maybe that way I can be with the crowd who also all hate me. I am different, I am rotten, and I am an adult so unlike you, who still has a chance to get help etc, I am supposed to be able to undo all this by myself. No benefits for me! Thing about help is it doesn't come looking for you, you have to pursue it yourself. Help is an elusive thing but if you are in a good home you have a shot at it. Don't waste your time there focused on your anger. The anger is good and healthy at times, but don't let it get in the way of getting the things you need.

Now that I am shoved into the land bitterness and despair, nobody wants to talk to me any more. I fought it for years and years, put the right "face" on the front of my head and gave it a go. Guess I wasn't good enough to save myself, but then my abuse has not entirely ended. I think you should go for it and that this is a once in a lifetime chance for you. Do I think you should forgive them? Thats up to you. Do whatever works.

Nobody

Posted on Apr 3, 2002, 6:46 AM

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((((((Jamie-lee))))))))

by max

Hi Jaime-lee.
I am so glad you can express these feelings.....it is good you can get them out...of your system ....I am proud of you for doing so.
Like Terrie said ..it is ok to be angry....anger is very healthy. YOu have to learn to direct anger in the right direction....those you hate...and not toward you....by doing stuff...that can hurt you...(drinking..smoking...hurting your self )....Do you see a Therapist? or have someone you can talk to?...if you see a T...maybe you can print this and give it to him...he can read it and talk about it with you.Aslo,your f-mom is there for you...maybe she coud help you out?..try her....
Jaimie-lee,you are not dirty....ok....it is normal to feel that way tho....i still do....but dont hurt the body trying to clean him off...hes not there no more..it is a feling,,,..

Jaime-lee....you area wonderfull litle girl....with lots going on ... we all care for you...
take care of you...we are here to help..you can email..and talk to us....or here....

Max



Posted on Apr 3, 2002, 9:18 PM

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JUST for Max.

by Jamie-lee

HEY
I just wanted to say that 2 u ok
And to ask u 2 tell lisa i say hi and i think she rocks, like (the angel) she will know who that is and what that means....hehe

Bye bye
from J-L


Posted on Apr 3, 2002, 11:05 PM

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Oh and plus

by Jamie-lee

THANKS FOR THE HUGZ.......{{{{{Max}}}}}

later

Posted on Apr 3, 2002, 11:15 PM

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Sorry

by Sandy

Jamie Lee, I am sorry if my post about forgiving made you angry. I read your post there and this one here. I think everything you said was common for survivors. And there is nothing wrong about being angry. I got angry about what they did to you just by reading your post!! But I do want to say one thing about forgiveness....not only is it only for those who are ready for it, but forgiveness does not equal saying it is "okay". Not at all!! Cuz abuse is NEVER ok. NEVER! No matter if it was one time or a zillion times!!

I don't know much about everyone here yet since I am new, but from what I understand you are in a foster home? Is that correct? And is this foster home a positive thing for you?

I am a foster parent. My oldest daughter is 13 and she was my first foster child and she comes from a very traumatic abusive background. Just something we have in common..you and me....

Sorry if I upset you.
Sandy

Posted on Apr 3, 2002, 10:01 PM

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you did not make me angry

by Jamie-lee

To all who wrote a reply well thanks.. Just want to say that i didnt want that but thanks anyway.

And to u Sandy. You dont have to be sorry ok u did not make me angry.
You wrote this ok. (I got angry about what they did to you just by reading your post!!)

well u see how u got angry when u read my post well i get angry when i think of that stuff. So u did not make me angry ok. they did. And i just was answering with what i thought abuot forgivness and well i think it sux. And thats all i wanted to say and why i think it sux.
I dont know much about everyone here either cause im new 2. I know 2 peeps here who r real kool.
Thats kool that yr a foster parent. hope u like it.

bye.

Posted on Apr 3, 2002, 10:59 PM

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I go to T,

by NP

I say things, I get horrible feelings, and then it takes me several days to pull myself back togther. It shakes me to the very core. I hate T, I love the person. But how much of this kind of torture is good for a person? My stomach is in knots again this week, headache, insomnia..... I just want to hide. I need to quit T I think. I get so physically ill from it and then I wonder if this is doing any good.

Posted on Apr 2, 2002, 4:48 AM

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Hi NP

by

I'm so sorry that T is so hard for you. I know it does bring up a lot of feeling, doesn't it. I hope that you feel better soon.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 2, 2002, 8:18 AM

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Thanks Terrie

by NP

Yeah I'm pretty snapish and ugly these days.

Posted on Apr 2, 2002, 11:47 AM

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Feeling a little "let down"

by dawni

I don't know which board this best goes on so I'll just leave it here and hope nobody is offended or upset at me.


I'm feeling kind of let down right now, and really frustrated. My mother drives me up the wall but its not her fault and I love her dearly anyway. I should probably go back aways.. she doesn't know what they did. She doesn't know who, she doesn't know what.. I don't know if she even knows of anything even happening. She wasn't neglectful or anything like that though, so don't take it wrong. She was a good mother. But she tries to "push" a little too much sometimes. Always at holidays it is "did you call your father yet?" and so forth.

On Saturday night, on the way to bowling, we (us and fiance) took over the things we (just us) bought for the family for Easter. It wasn't much, but it was all we could really afford since we're paying off the wedding and all - and at least we made an effort. We gave the things to mum, told her what was for who and so forth, and she agreed to give them to whoever for us since little brother was being a rude sob and not even saying hello. (She lives with one brother and the other was very likely to have made it over there on the Sunday so we figured that was easiest). Mum gave us and fiance $50 each (we had asked for non junk food stuff if she insisted on giving us anything since we're trying to get healthy and all).

At about lunchtime on Sunday we called to wish mum a happy Easter and all that stuff. Found out while we were talking to her that everyone was there (brother and his wife and daughter as well as mum and co), and that theyd' all gotten their presents from us. Also they knew who was on the phone, since mum had said about it being us.. and not one of them even said "hello" let alone "thank you".

I don't know how to feel. I have no sweets, no sweet "gratitude" (don't take that wrong, I don't mean I want these people in my debt.. but why is a simple "thank you" too much to ask?) and I can't even really talk to fiance about this since he's a JW and doesn't celebrate Easter at all. He doesn't understand how important it was/is and so it just goes inside with everything else. Its not that I don't trust him, but it frustrates him because I'm so give-y to these people all the time and its always for nothing. On the birthday the brother's excuse why he couldn't come out to dinner with us (we didn't go anywhere expensive either, I might add) was that he couldn't afford it because he was saving for his wedding. We didn't get anything from them for xmas, either - us and fiance being the only ones not to, I might add.

I feel so.. left out. This brother was once a perp but I forgave him immediately. I've never confronted him about it, I just.. left it alone. Dropped it, pretended it was just the normal "playing doctor" gone too far. I know mum tries.. but it feels like the rest of the family hate me.

I know I wasn't a wonderful child, person, anything.. I've always known that. But I don't understand why everybody in my family hates me so much.

Posted on Mar 31, 2002, 8:03 PM

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hey

by Jamie-lee

I could not take all of what you typed in cause im not too good at that sort of stuff but i wanted to tell you that you are a wonderful person. well i dont know you but i reckon you would be. And if the others in your family hate you then thats cause they suck. My (real mum) told me something today that made me a bit of sense. She said if someone hurts you and you think its cause you were bad or its your fault, sit down and make 2 lists. One list you write what the person did to you, and the other list you write what you did at the time. Like here is an example for ya.

List one
MY DOG HURT ME
He bit me
He ran away from me
He chewed up my best shirt

List two
WHAT I DID TO MY DOG
I fed him nice food
I patted him nicely
I took him for nice walks

Then you look at your lists and you see who is a better person.
You gave out gifts on a special occation and that was a good and nice thing
Nobody said thank you and well that was just real rude
Good night
from Jamie-lee

Posted on Apr 1, 2002, 8:14 AM

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Thank you

by dawni

Thank you Jamie-Lee. That was actually erally helpful!! I tyhink I'll definately start trying those lists more often, so thank you.

~dawni

Posted on Apr 4, 2002, 5:37 PM

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Hi Dawnie

by NP

You know, family relationships are about the most complex we as humans ever go through. I think that might be because you all live in the same house together so it seems like everyone should understand the events in the same way. But it is rarely like that. I wonder..... could it be that what you see as "hating" you is really something different? Could it be that what they see is not what you think they do?

If you talk to my Mother and you talk to me you will think you are hearing two different stories, like we weren't even on the same planet say anything about being in the same house. I have been trying to talk to my adoptive mother in the past few weeks, to try make sense of the things that happened and the reasons why she acted against me or did not act on my behalf. I understand what I needed her to do and now I see that she never could have done them. She is unable to face the truth, she was unable to act on my behalf not because she hated or despised me, but because for her own reasons she couldn't. Now it is up to me to decide whether or not I can have a relationship with her and know that I will NEVER get the thing I need from her. Do I try to see past that, take a little piece of a relationship knowing I will never get what I need and figure a little is better than none? Do I walk away to punish her? Do I walk away for self preservation? I still don't know how this is going to shake out. I have examined myself and my motives. Now I am trying to see into her life to see why she did what she did. Since she does not open up and lies to me about things so that they represent the image she wishes to project, I am beginning to lean toward staying away for self preservation, but I know in my heart this is not done with malice. I am seeing that I was feeling guilty about this because she told me I should feel that way and it made me feel like a bad person. She was using my guilt to keep me, when all she really needed to keep me was to be truthful and to comfort me in my need. But she can't.


If your brother was a perp and you can forgive him, more power to you. It says a lot about your giving nature and forgiving spirit. Even if you have "feelings" about that once in while that feel the opposite, in your heart and mind you have forgiven him. I admire that.... I haven't been able to do that. It seems like you have come to some terms with your brother. So if you look at the relationship with your mom and try to understand what you need from her, and figure out what you can do to get that, maybe you can resolve it. For instance if you share with her about the things that happened in a careful way, she may understand you better and reach out.

I hope it works out for you. Personally I think you are a kind and caring person.

NobodyPerfect

Posted on Apr 1, 2002, 2:02 PM

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NP - thank you

by dawni

Just wanted to say thank you for replying. Sorry its so long since, so much happening here I haven't had a chance to really sit down and read since I posted.

As for forgiving my bro.. that was really pretty easy. He's not your "average" perp. I think he was mostly just confused (quite likely since f*ther practically expected him to be the parent at four years old), and perhaps he thought that was what he was supposed to do. So.. yes, quite easy for me to forgive him ((though I'll never bring it up with him again)). I just wish the others in my life were as easy to forgive, heh.

Don't think we could ever bring it up with mum though. Telling her the truth would shatter her. Other than that, she already knows I/we feel very uncomfortable around the father so there's not a lot we really can do. We can deal with her though, she's a bit of a pain (in this regard).. but we can deal.

Anyway thank you very much for your reply.

Posted on Apr 4, 2002, 5:45 PM

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Hi Dawni

by

You certainly have a right to feel let down that the family did not even acknowledge you. What they have done, from what I read, is take and take and not give any. Even saying "thank you" is a gift...it is a gift of acknowlegement and appreciation. My mother does not tolerate a lack of "thank you" for long. If after 2 or 3 years of giving a gift, she still receives no "thank you", she stops giving that person gifts. Or if she sends cards to someone and does not get any card or acknowledgement after 2 or 3 years, she stops sending that person cards. I'm not suggesting you do this...it is up to you to choose whatever you do. But I am validating the hurt feelings you have, because they WERE insensitive to you, and that DOES hurt. Please know that here, you are loved. And I thank you for being my friend.

Safe hugs if you want them,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 1, 2002, 5:59 PM

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Might hurt so dont read if reading sometimes hurts

by Jamie-lee

I have come to get or understand that some things i read can hurt and thats why i have said so in my message title so if you like get the same as i do then its better you dont read this. I need to type this out and to just know someone might read it, just to know i have been heard and that someone is actually listening to me. Ok really dont know what good that is because nobody here can stop whats going to happen but it will make me feel a bit better i hope by this.
I have already posted on the other place that i have to go home tomorrow and i said im a bit worried well that just was not true, i am petrified and i cant do anything about it. And i dont understand what i have done to be treated like this. My mum said she did not want me nomore after i told what my step-dad was making me do, she pretty much kicked me out. Thats why i am with my foster mum now but why does my mum want to hurt me, she doesn't love me and she never has. I can remember when my daddy was still here and he and me did everything together, mum wasnt interested at all. She never cuddled me properly like my daddy did, she never even cuddled me, she never said she loved me or that she liked me. Why did she have me if she did not want me. Ok i know someone could be reading this and thinking oh yeah another ungrateful kid who talks badly about her mum, but that is not true. I can tell you that because i loved my daddy so so much and i miss him so much and if he was still here he would tell you that im not bad or ungrateful. Adults always go on about how kids need to respect adults and need to listen to them and do what they say, but what about us, what about how adults dont listen to us or dont even care. Its not fair that we are treated like we dont matter, it sucks and if i live to be an adult then i am not going to be like that. I want my daddy back and that cant happen. I dont want to go back to my mum because i know that my step-dad will come back and i know what is going to happen, i will have to do all the stuff i did before and i dont want to. I dont want to be hurt again and it did hurt before and i HATED it, i just HATED it. My foster mum says that if he comes near me then he will get locked up again but what if he kills me this time, what if he is that angry with me. Im sorry i know that sounds stupid and probably you think that is just my imagination but i know him and i know what he is like when he is mad. He used to do something to me when he was mad and it was that he put his hands round my neck and squeezed and squeezed so i couldnt breathe and then he would let go and i always thought i was going to die. What if he does it again and doesnt stop. Even if he doesnt do that what if he just does all the other stuff like making me do stuff to him and well you know what if he. I cant type much else, just that i dont want to do it all again. Why did my daddy have to die, my foster mum reckons that there is a God well that cant be true. If there is a God then he must hate me. I dont understand what i have done wrong.

Posted on Mar 29, 2002, 8:15 AM

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Jamie-lee

by

Please know that I am thinking about you, and that you did not do anything wrong and what your step-dad did is not your fault. I'm here if you need me...I care.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 29, 2002, 8:48 PM

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jaime-lee

by Max

I hope you see this....(((((((((jamie-lee)))))))) if you want them...
I which i can do something for you...please rememebr one thing...or two.....YOu are a very good person,..and you did NOTHING wrong...all this is his fault...ok...

Lisa wanted to say good luck and she luv yu..ok..

lisa and max

Posted on Mar 29, 2002, 10:23 PM

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bad times

by virtues

what isn't coming back at this time????
we have so many alters freaking and memories that made me angry
i think that being in t with a good therapist is making loads come out and she is trying to go very slow
she also changed our meds...seroquel to Geodon
is anyone else taking that?????

we are crying, feeling shame, anger and forgiveness all at the same time.
each night, we just shake with fear because our dreams aren't making any sense...at least not to me.

a friend and i have decided to do special things tomorrow and Sunday for our littles so to take mine's minds off of the holiday.
we're coloring easter eggs and making place mats and then the boys have action figures and we may go to a ball game from spring training out here...keeping busy!

Sunday, we have decided to give the littles an Easter basket from each of us...one from me to theirs and the same for ours...then, we're going to the haulocaust museum which is celebrating homosexuals that died for this horrible deed. after, we are hoping to go to the beach if we can fight off spring breakers around here.

it's nice to have someone to "DO" stuff with that understands...somewhat.

but, i can't help the shaking and memories surfacing...little pictures inside and rocking ones i never rocked before.

i'm gonna ask that my insiders feel comfortable to leave the bad junk here for a few days

thanks Terrie
we love you!!!!
us guys

Posted on Mar 28, 2002, 7:24 PM

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Hi all of you

by

You know you are more than welcome to leave all that awful stuff here. I am sorry you are having such bad shaking and so many memories surfacing, but am so glad you have a good T to help you with it, and a good friend to be there for you. Please don't hesitate to call me if you need or want to talk. I love you.

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 29, 2002, 8:19 PM

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dump trigger maybe, dont know ignore

by Silenttstar

Yuck day...yuck...have told someone too much, did not ever mean that, hurt her I know to know those things. She is sweet friend, want to know...said I should try therapy, said it would help...I said I was fine...not fine, I lie...cant go to therapy, I am Deaf, therapists dont sign, except Deaf ones...no Deaf therapists here..nothing here. Felt like to explode, dont know what to do, so I told my friend, then told her more, and more...did not even tell her details that hurt, but enough to hurt her, enough to make it too real to me, enough to lose control...now I am in pieces, dont know what is me, dont know what to do...and hurt my friend, hurt who is sweetest of all, who pretend not hurt anything...cant take it back...stop telling her, stop hurting her...and she is hurt that I wont tell her more...tell her more, hurt her, hurt me...said too much, then no control.
Now, dumping, dumping, dumping...sorry dumping, dont know what, hurt my friend, said too much, she knows too much, who I am...too much.
Sorry dumping, ignore it, no-one know who is me here, cant hurt to dump, hurt my friend, dont know. Sorry again to dump...messy, dont mean to dump, sorry


Posted on Mar 21, 2002, 1:47 AM

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hi star

by NP

Don't beat yourself up over it, everyone with any past does this occationally. A friend will get over that.

I myself am hearing impaired and I use more than sign to get through life.... It's true I have some hearing left, but depend mostly on lip reading and vibration as well as sign to negociate my daily world. My friends in the deaf community do the same as thats what we are taught in community and socialisation classes for the hearing impaired. I am confused why that would be an obstacle for you.

Here's an idea, they do have online therapists, although I'm not sure insurance covers that, but I would think that if you have the Dx of hearing impairment there would be some leeway there. But no matter where you live in the US there is community and government help for Americans with Disabilities. The AMA is quit clear about helping, we have rights and resources. In the case of those who are not financially able, there is funding available. I just don't think you have talked to the right people about this. They should even be able to provide you with an interpreter for the purpose of therapy. My professor told me once, there is nothing you can't do just because you are hearing impaired. Don't let it drop, find help.

Not much help here I guess, sorry.

NobodyPerfect

Posted on Mar 21, 2002, 7:25 AM

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correction, typo

by NP

That should be ADA, not AMA, DUH! sorry

Posted on Mar 21, 2002, 7:30 AM

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maybe...thanks:)

by

Hey Dp thanks:) Lol, nevermind that post it was nuts, I am glad to be Deaf and would never want to be hearing, just is frustrate sometimes with difficult to access things etc. Therapy is a problem due to no signing therpist, I did look for Deaf one but cant find any close where I live (Canada not America), and very comfortable with an interpreter because of I know most of them here, they are very active in the Deaf Community. About lipreading etc, I suck at that;) dont have any hearing and born deaf. Online therapy is great idea, did not think of that...maybe problem miscommunication due to English is not my first language, ASL is, but might be good for try that and see about etc.
Thanks for reply:)

Posted on Mar 21, 2002, 1:58 PM

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Hope you don't mind me jumping in here..

by dawni

Just wanted to say that I shouldn't think english being your second language should be too much of a problem - I understand you just fine
(Just can't ever think of anything useful to say most times)
~dawni

Posted on Mar 21, 2002, 3:21 PM

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:):)

by silentstar

Thanks Dawni:) Yes helpful know not much misunderstand, thanks :):)

Posted on Mar 21, 2002, 3:41 PM

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I agree

by

I understand you just fine.

Terrie

Posted on Mar 22, 2002, 7:37 AM

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typo

by Silentstar

oops...typo, I mean not comfortable with interpreter, I wrote comfortable. sorry!

Posted on Mar 21, 2002, 3:40 PM

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Yikes!

by NP

That makes a huge difference in your message!

Posted on Mar 21, 2002, 4:38 PM

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Hi Silentstar

by

There is no need to apologize for dumping here...it is perfectly ok. I know it is hard to finally open up, to "make it real". It brings out all kinds of feelings, and that is normal, though it sure doesn't feel good. And I know you don't want to hurt your friend, though I am glad she is there for you. I hope that NP's suggestions will help some....online therapy or an interpreter in therapy could be very helpful for you. I know it can be very challenging to be deaf in a hearing world. I am glad you are here. I want you to know that you are welcome to e-mail me if you need to talk, or to dump, or whatever. I'm here for you. I care.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 21, 2002, 7:37 AM

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thanks:)

by

Thank-you Terrie:) Nevermind that was crazy post, sounds like nuts. Lol. Thanks for reply and support, that is very sweet:):)

Posted on Mar 21, 2002, 2:00 PM

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why? very long, sorry

by hopey

today, we put the ring we were given back on
we can't let go and forget
it feels like the pain we're going through right now is worse than any pain we've ever felt

i'm little hope... or hopey
no one but me knew we fragmented until this week
it's very hard

i'm not gonna make a lot of sense to anyone but me, i think, but i need to talk at least to myself, for myself

yesterday we went to a renessaince fair
i loved it and so did breeze...
the thing was, i jumped off the bleachers( we were watching a live chess game with real people) at the very top, thinking we were still young and well, our body isn't and we landed plop on the ground
we're ok and stuff

but now, i'm remembering the day that ri...talked on the phone to someone and she was so sad and upset
she sat on a lawn chair outdoors and it collapsed and she fell on her butt, and we hurt for years...it was a constant reminder of what we lost and of that day

we went and got a green peasant top since it was st patrick's day and we couldn't forget last year and the fun we had...we had just bought our truck
now, we probably will be selling it for a bunch of reasons

so, we have our ring on

we are so outcast and yet we do so well here in real life
we broke a boundary today and we called right away to say we had
it was ok because we really needed to...no bigee
but, we aren't what others think of when they think of us
we get mixed up lots, who doesn't when they are multi?

this is what we learned:
no one person is aware 100% of the time when something is said or done by another
no one in here that we have around the outside world would ever intentionally hurt anyone else
but, we do react differently to what people say and even just by their gestures...we become afraid that all we do is the wrong thing like we were told as kids

when someone tells you that they love you, most people can accept it
as individuals in here, it's different and we can see it in others so why haven't we seen it in ourselves
not just those words, but all words

i'm trying to make all of this clear at least for me because i shouldn't have fragmented and i did and i need to become one again with Hope...

we've been accused of things we haven't done
but, now we realize that in the eyes of others, they see it differently
maybe because what they think is a perp or abuse, is not what we did or do
we also know that when confronted or asked, lots of our littles, will cry and tell a story and if they don't know who it was cuz it's not their part of the memory, they might name someone else
we have found that some that we thought abused us didn't, and then, some others have
but, i do know, that if someone tells me that i am bad, i do believe them...i have to be, that's what people say so why isn't it true
it's because my back is up against a wall and i don't know who is the bad person or the person who did something bad

i saw a child break down, crying that they were bad and caused a big mistake...how i wanted to comfort them
but, i couldn't...because i wasn't sure what my part was and i didn't want to hurt them anymore
i know this child
i also know this sweet child gets pushed to the front way too often and isn't protected
but that's my outlook on it
i witnessed it often enough

i don't know if this happens to us too
do some of our littler ones get pushed up front to take blame when they shouldn't?
do they blame someone else because they are too afraid to tell the truth? if somebody puts a name in their mouth, wouldn't they just accept it as that?

i'm not a little, but i am still young and i have accepted names that have been put into my own heart
i couldn't allow that to become the "outside" part of us because i was dangerous and just horrible

in therapy, we are learning what was right and what was wrong...we are learning that we have some responsibility in our actions today because of the past, but we are not who we were told in the past

in just one memory, there could be as many as 20 or so of us who remember it
but, we all took on a part in it
when pushed for information, differences come out
this makes coming together very difficult

but, it does show me for sure that others with DID also do the same thing

we did not intentionally, ever hurt anyone...it's not our nature...we are kind hearted people with every intention in the world to show goodness and non prejudice as we've taught our children on the outside

i'm really hoping that people who are saying things about us that aren't true, know that we do think about it often and pick it apart until we can't function and it hurts
we are doing our best to separate little ones from this all, hoping they don't think they are bad people

i don't know...they won't talk about it

we have t tomorrow and i have to talk about all that's happened and explain the fragmenting...it's like going backwards

i do know that i was part of hurting someone while i had the power to, that i never ever met in person, and i wish with all my heart that i could find this person and let her know how sorry i am
it would be what is right to do
i am sorry for doing that awful thing...making another feel that they were not who they said they were

i've now met others who have said they were hurt by people in some kind of power, who told them that they must be lying and are not multi
who has that right to say anything like that????? not me for sure....i am not God or anything close to it
i am just me, and we are just we

i can and do apologize for hurt feelings because of myself and as a human, that should be okay, especially if i have never intentionally tried to hurt anyone, ever

why do others believe things that didn't happen?
why do people put thoughts into other people's heads???

i am a teen and i tend to see what i can get away with like any other teen
but, i also know, i would not hurt anyone on purpose except probably myself

that's all
i hope i can remember and say all that in t
i'm not a liar or a bitch or a perp...
i'm hope...
that's what my mom would call me and i didn't know enough then not to believe her
i didn't do anything wrong...she did

i'm not looking for another fight
i won't respond to false accusations from those who won't listen and have closed minds
i have tried and tried to be a good person in here
i know i am
i have three wonderful children that i raised
they have their problems and some of them are because of me, but they are basically healthy and definitely happy people who feel safe
that's a good thing
nothing else really matters if i'm honest with myself

hope...







Posted on Mar 18, 2002, 8:18 PM

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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hopey}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

by

I hope you feel better soon...it is so unfair for you to go through so much hurt. I know you are a good person, and I love you.

Safe hugs if you want them,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 18, 2002, 8:49 PM

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hugs back with pink roses but no geraniums

by hopey

i just didn't know if you knew there was me and the blend
i'm still Hope..., 17 or 13 or whatever
the other Hope is blended and in charge
i still have that crush and thank goodness tr understands and is patient and i'm learning...no way
we love you
we love auntie she she too

we found a very nice church also, with a book club...yay!
we'll all try and call this weekend...K?
hopey

Posted on Mar 19, 2002, 8:39 AM

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Hopey

by

I actually didn't know there was you and the other Hope, but I love you just the same. I'm glad you are learning more about yourselves and doing some healing. I would like it if you call this weekend...I will be gone 12:30-3:30pm your time and perhaps in the evening too on Sat, and of course church on Sun. Btw, I'm glad you found a nice church! yayayay!

Love you lots,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 19, 2002, 5:32 PM

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Hopey...

by NobodyPerfect

You don't have to qualify things with us. It has been our experience that you are kind-hearted. I can really understand your anguish as I went through that for a while myself, all of us did.... until we finally got it through our heads that it doesn't really matter as long as we know ourselves, our true heart. That is the worst of that kind of treatment, when you start to question yourself even when you know it isn't true.

And even if there were things that happened that were on the fringes of things that you are looking at in a different way now, that you may understand now may have looked different to someone else, that does not mean that you are evil or a perp. Every person deserves forgiveness if they are contrite about things that happened in the past and can be strong enough to admit mistakes from their past. Now I have no idea if any mistakes were really made by any of you, in fact I don't care. You have always shown yourself to be gentle and caring whenever I was around and I believe in you all.

Take care of you and hope you are feeling better about this old history soon.

NobodyPerfect

Posted on Mar 18, 2002, 9:53 PM

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hi

by hope

i haven't been reading posts lately because i made a deal with our friend and t that we wouldn't
so....please excuse me if i don't know exactly who you are
obviously you know us and we all want to thank you for understanding and saying so online and boldly

it's nice, very kind

i'd like to send you some of these pretty purple flowers that are all along the road if that's okay

we do have a thing for flowers...we hope you like them
thanks again....it means a great deal for your understanding

hopey

Posted on Mar 19, 2002, 8:44 AM

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Wow, cool!

by NP

Not only do we have a thing for flowers, but purple ones top the list! ty very much.

I have nothing to fear from speaking openly, the only story anyone has heard has been the MM side because as soon as anyone tries to say the truth from their point of view MM jumps on ya like a bunch of line backers. But I think people who do know me know I would never have done the thing they said I did. In fact there have been those who told me this privately, that they are ashamed about the way things are bullied through but feel powerless to stop it. Many have drifted away because of the harshness of that place, I was one of these. Hadn't posted for months when I was banned for life! LOL Then I put one post about my diabetes and I got this "mysterious" email making vague accusations....something about an email that was forwarded to them from somebody. None of it made any sense. I think they got mad when I sent a reply that said who cares? You have no power over me and told them I had blocked them and they were "banned" from my email. Why they still have any interest in me at all is beyond me, it was none of their business what was going on with someone else, IMO.

Elise, who has taken off her name from the internet because of this harassment.

Posted on Mar 19, 2002, 9:17 AM

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To Hope

by dawni

I.. I read. I want to say I understand, but I think maybe I'm reading too much into things because I subconciously want someone else to understand what it is like for us right now.

But if I'm right.. then someone is saying untrue things about you. Or things that are very different in perspectives (calling you a perp for something that wasn't really perp behaviour). If I'm right.. then I am so desperately sorry someone is doing that to you. Because that's what's happening with us right now and it is so incredibly hard and painful.

You say "why do others believe things that didn't happen?" and "why do people put thoughts into other peoples' heads???". I wish I knew. The only thing I can come up with (and this may not be true for you & yours, but is possibly true with us) is that the other person is scared. (We have theories on the other things they have done too, but they're not relevant here I don't think).

I think you're right though.. from what I've seen, I don't think any of you are bad people.

Posted on Mar 19, 2002, 4:54 PM

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Welcome to the club

by NP

It has been happening to me as well for about 2 1/2 years now...

So I guess we are all in good company. Sigh.....

Posted on Mar 19, 2002, 5:17 PM

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Sure looks that way, huh?

by dawni

Hey, you coming to the chat anytime soon, NP?
We'll be there on and off, but need to do some houseworky things as well.. but want to be there when people are Not doing work while people are there and coming back for no people, hehe.

Posted on Mar 19, 2002, 5:44 PM

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Hiya Lisa :)

by Jamie-lee

Lisa
Thanks for the "appi bdais" wishes, that was real cute and you made me smile
Sorry the b'day you just had was hard for you and i hope ya next one is not as hard.
I think it is real kook we know each other now too, you sound real sweet.
Glad ya got a rabbit for when ya scared, i have a Tweety Bird soft cuddly thing
that my f-mum braught me. Its real kool.
better go, about to watch the movie Shrek. Have ya seen it?

Posted on Mar 18, 2002, 4:22 AM

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jamie-leeeee

by lisa

yes...me see it 4 times.......heee...i like to see movies....lol

sorry if mi spelin is bad.....i am not good...
am glad yur bak...i agree is kool we kno eech oter...yur kool...very kool....

how was the H?...what is f-mom?
ar yu ok?

lisa

Posted on Mar 18, 2002, 11:02 PM

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oh ya too cute, hehe :)

by Jamie-lee

I understand why ya saw Shrek 4 times, it's totally AWESOME.
I like to see movies too, it's kool to go into "another world" for a while huh.
Hey ya know ya spellin is kool, i can understand ya.
My spelling pretty much sux so i use spell check before i post (tricky ha, hehe:).
The "H" was ok, you know as ok as those places can be. Pretty sad really, i don't like
the way that some patients get treated, kinda like they are kids which they are in age
but not like babies and well some nurses just treat them like they are stupid.
Like there was this one girl in there who has schizophrenia and she was talking to a chair and
when she didn't stop like the nurses wanted her to they gave her a needle and i thought that was
cruel. She was enjoying talkig to the chair and she wasn't hurtin nobody, i just think she should have
been allowed to talk to the chair. Woops that was allot of words there hey, sorry. Um f-mum stands for "foster mum".
Thanks for saying ya glad i'm back. Me too

Posted on Mar 19, 2002, 3:12 AM

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Psssst Terrie

by Jamie-lee

IM BAAAAAAACK!! hehe
Thanks for saying i deserve to and can and will win. I think so too
I didn't realise that you owned this place, my f-mum pointed that out to me.
I think that is kool and think you are pretty strong and brave and that too.
Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts, thats real nice.
Hope you have a kool day.

Posted on Mar 18, 2002, 4:20 AM

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Jamie-lee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by

Welcome back! I'm so glad you see you! How are you feeling??? Hopefully much, much better. I missed ya while you were gone. Glad you're back.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 18, 2002, 7:35 AM

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hiya

by Jamie-lee

Thanks for the welcome back, and for saying you missed me and your glad i'm back......SO AM I!!! And i'm feeling pretty good thanks for asking

Seeya later... Jamie-lee

Posted on Mar 19, 2002, 3:29 AM

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is no no safe innn

by lisa

can i hid here? pleezzz.......terrie is no safee.pleezzzzz....david skar me..
i hid with blankit n buny...........kkkk

lisa

Posted on Mar 11, 2002, 10:55 PM

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Hi sweetie

by

Of course you can hide here sweetie. I will be happy to hold you if you want me to. I know david scares you...he doesn't mean to. He wants to be safe, but I know it is hard. I love you so much.

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 12, 2002, 7:16 AM

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remembering and missing

by

Today, 6 months ago, we were woke up by the most wonderful persons our heart could ever hold...and we're thinking about all of them. I remember the fear and panic that we both felt...finding our children, making sure they were safe.

Today, I remember with tears in my eyes...we miss them all so badly...wish we knew what their email was or phone or anything to get in touch and make sure once again that they're all okay.

We promised "forever" and I think we will always feel that in our heart.
We have friends, but no one like them...believing in our heart that "forever" is forever.

Hope...and the rest



Posted on Mar 11, 2002, 10:46 AM

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{{{{{{{{{{{Hope}}}}}}}}}}}}}

by

Loving you, and keeping you in my heart.

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 12, 2002, 7:14 AM

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coudl trigger sa stuf n si stuff

by dawni & petals

really kinda struggling right now
the box has been in our thoughts a lot lately because 'she' (not the outside she.. an inside one without a name) has been around and when she is its' hard to remeber what the days were like before she stood mnext to youand her influence so strong it makes the memories fly to your head and it's oh so scary with the box and th dark nad the night time cold and what he did every so often wjile we were in there just to keep us on our toes and fiance wants it too but not th bad way but its ever so hard to tell the difference sometimes

and we are scared

what did we do? we were only 3 when it started if even that and oh so little wish i knwe what we did to deserve it coz then we would never do it again and then it woudl never happen atgain right?
and maybe if we stoppd dsoing bad stuff then the bxo woudlnt be real anymore and just be imaginary like we wish and it woudlnt hav been us put in there made to do dirty things and curl up in awkward positons just to fit for him mouth to the airhole only one and big enough for him to do bad things htrough

want it all to stop!!!!!

((and the blood that completes perfect skin leaves shadows in the shelters))

Posted on Mar 10, 2002, 5:39 PM

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{{{{{{dawni and petals}}}}}}}}}}

by

You never did anything to deserve what they did to you and what they made you do. You were innocent. They were not. I know it is so hard to deal with the memories and the feelings and the questions. You are strong though...stronger than you know. You survived when it was really happening, and you can and will survive the memories and feelings that are happening now. I am glad you are here, and are able to share. you matter to me.

Love and safe hugs if you want them,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 10, 2002, 6:51 PM

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{{{{{{Dawni}}}}}}

by NP

Sounds like the memories are really close to you right now and that is so awful when it happens. I wish I could help in some way, but I know you aren't bad.... just the stuff that happened was bad. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Ever.

Leaving you some peaceful thoughts and warm hugs.

NP

Posted on Mar 10, 2002, 9:53 PM

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Terrie

by Jamie-lee

I had a long talk with my f-mum, well she talked more and i listened. She told me what you did too about what happening was flashbacks and explained why they happen and stuff. And she told me allot of things that i might feel and might not, some i already have and some not. I've very confused you know, she asked me how i feel and when i told her she said i don't have to be brave and that she thinks im doing too good. Well what's that??? like whats too good supposed to mean, like would she prefer it if i moped around all day and told her that i feel like crap and that most days i just dont want to live anymore cause thats how i really feel. Have you ever heard the sayings put on a brave face, or smile and the world will smile with you? well thats what i like to do but its like thats wrong too. If i'm happy she basically asks why aren't i sad, and if i show im sad she asks me to talk about it, i just dont get adults at all. Will things ever be normal again? You know i'm not ungrateful or anything, i really am thankful that i have a safe place to live now but that doesn't take away the pain or fear, or the awful horrible days and nights. I truly think i'm losing it somehow, i wish i had the guts to join my daddy. I hope this was all ok and i am sorry if i have said anything wrong.

Posted on Mar 7, 2002, 5:27 AM

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Hi Jamie-lee

by

I'm so glad you and your f-mom had a talk. It's good to get things out in the open. I don't think she was telling you that you had to mope around or whatever. I think, rather, that she was telling you that it's ok to feel whatever you feel, and to show what you feel. I suggest you keep the lines of communication open and let her know how you feel about her asking you all the questions she does (like "why aren't you sad?" and "tell me why you are sad"). She's really just trying to be helpful, but she needs your input on how to do that the best way for you. It's ok to be brave (and you really are very brave, even when you allow yourself to feel and to talk about feelings), but it's ok to feel too, and to express those feeling...and in case you didn't notice, I consider that to be a very brave thing to do. I know it will take time to heal, and time to trust, and all that stuff. But it really sounds like you are making progress, because you are talking about it.

If anything I've said confuses you, please ask me for clarification, cuz I will be happy to try to explain better. I'm glad you're here, Jamie-lee.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 7, 2002, 7:38 AM

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thanks

by Jamie-lee

Just come on today to tell you that i am going into hospital, the kind that helps you when your head don't feel too good. I talked to my f-mum and told her how i really feel and she said that it would help allot if i go stay in the hospital for a bit. She works there and says that it is a safe place and that they can help me. I think she is right because i need help and i right now i feel like giving up and i dont want Jerry to win, im better and im stronger and i want to prove that. I showed my f-mum this site and she said to tell you thanks for the messages you sent to me. And i am saying thanks too, i was really ready to leave here today until i saw your message and it made me think again so thanks heaps. I AM GONNA WIN!!!

Posted on Mar 7, 2002, 9:23 PM

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Hi Jamie-lee

by

I'm so glad you are getting some additional help to deal with your huge feelings. I know it can be so hard, but you definately deserve to win, and you can and will, I believe! Let me know when you get back, and I will keep you in my thoughts.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 8, 2002, 5:59 PM

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good luck:)

by

Hey Jamie-lee...have not really chat to you much, just to say I have been reading your posts and you seem like a real fighter and I'm sure you will win. You have a lot of guts and deserve to win...doesnt mean much, but I am proud of you:)
I hope when you feel better you will come back and post more...:)

Posted on Mar 11, 2002, 4:12 PM

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thanx lots

by Jamie-lee

Hiya Silentstar. Thank you so much for wishin me luck and for saying i have lots of guts
and deserve to win. And it did mean much, much more then much that
your proud of me, that is kool.
Hope that your ok and that your happy wherever in this world you are today

Posted on Mar 18, 2002, 4:19 AM

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real tired but cant sleep

by Jamie-lee

I'm sorry for writing here allot but i feel real alone and not so good. Its like just past midnight and i cant sleep again , went to bed at 10 and awake already but im so tired and too afraid to close my eyes. Im not weak or a wimp but when i close my eyes things feel real bad and its like its happening again even if its not. Im not crazy and i know its sounds like i am but i cant stop what happens its like a dream but its not but cant stop it either. i want to wake my f-mum up and ask her to hold me but i cant. I want to be held properly and i want this to all go away and i just want to be fixed. Im sorry if i upset anyone im just sad i suppose.

Posted on Mar 5, 2002, 6:42 AM

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want to take it back

by Jamie-lee

Im sorry for this message. its not really so bad and i'll get over it.

Bye
Jamie-lee

Posted on Mar 5, 2002, 7:27 AM

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No need to take it back

by

Jamie-lee, I'm glad you are able to write here as much as you are...no need to apologize for it. As for how you feel in the night...I know it's scary. Nightmares and flashbacks can really take their toll. You do not sound crazy at all....it sounds like what you are describing is flashbacks...where you reexperience the horror of what happened. It's, unfortunately, very common. I want you to know that you are not judged here...you are accepted just as you are. You are welcome to write anytime, as much or as little as you want. Do you have a stuffed animal that you can hold in the night when things are difficult and you don't feel like you can wake your f-mom? Personally, I find it very helpful.

Peace,
Terrie



Posted on Mar 5, 2002, 1:53 PM

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you hold me?

by lisa

please.....am hidding here..k
lisa

Posted on Mar 4, 2002, 1:59 PM

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Hi lisa

by Jamie-lee

I'm new here and i just wanted to say hi and to tell you that i think its a kool place to hide out.



Posted on Mar 5, 2002, 3:46 AM

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hi

by lisa

it is nise to meet you....
sorry yur hurtin.....night be very bad...
trrie is very saf...an i come here ot be saf..
take car jamie-lee
i m 9.....you?
lisa

Posted on Mar 7, 2002, 12:11 PM

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hey

by Jamie-lee

Thanks for saying hi and it's nice to meet you too. I'm glad that you come here to be safe, thats so kool. Your just 9 that's even kooler cause i'm not the youngest here which is REALLY kool. I am turning 13 in about a week.
you take care too

Posted on Mar 7, 2002, 9:25 PM

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appi bdais....

by lisa

I just had my bday...was ard for me..you like bdais? them made bday party an i had cake later an gifts..
what you want for you bdai?
i tink is reel kool we kno eech other now.....

jaimme-lee....am sorry for you dad...

i ave a green rabbit..for when im skard..you?

lisa

Posted on Mar 7, 2002, 10:30 PM

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Hi sweetie

by

I will gladly hold you....I love you very much lisa.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{lisa}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Love and hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 5, 2002, 2:50 PM

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my life before-then and now

by Jamie-lee

If it's ok i'd like to write some things and i suppose what my foster mother wants me to say to her that i really can't say but on here it feels different, almost like its ok and nobody will judge me. Maybe i can give her the link and she can read this.

I will be turning 13 in two weeks time and feel more like i'm turning 30. Until i was 8 i had the absolute best parents ever. My dad was my hero and he was really funny. My dad used to read me bedtime stories, give me "butterfly kisses" and sprinkle fairy dust around my room to keep me safe until morning. My dad was awesome, he used to take me to the park and he would swing on the swings with me and didn't care if anyone saw him. He took me to the beach and we built sand castles together. Then one day he was gone after he died in a car accident. My life changed that day, but i had no idea at the time that my whole world would soon be so painful and full of fear. My mum had always had a drug addiction but my dad had always kept her stable, or at least he made her life better. That was the kind of guy my dad was. Without my dad my mum only got worse and she met Jerry pretty much right away and he become my step-dad just before my 9th birthday. I never liked Jerry, he wasnt my dad and he was evil looking and i suppose i just didnt trust him from day one. He was really nice to me around my mum at first, then he started coming in my room after my mum fell asleep. He would touch me and things like that and tell me that i was evil and ugly, he told me if i told he would kill my mum and i would have to live with him forever. I stupidly believed him. If i had have just told someone then it would never have gotten as bad as it did. When i turned 10 he said i had to learn something knew and he said other things too, that was the day he raped me the first time instead of all the other stuff. After that it was a regular thing and id have to sleep with Jerry almost daily, if i cried he hit me and if i didnt cry he hit me. I didnt know what he wanted from me and i didnt know if i was doing the right thing or not. One minute i was being good and the next i was being told how evil i was. And thats all i can say about it. It all ended four months ago when a teacher questioned me about bruises i had and i couldnt keep it in any longer and told her about Jerry. Jerry is in Jail now waiting for a trial that i dont want to go through with but have no choice as ussual and my mum doesn't like me anymore because she thinks im trying to hurt her.

thanks to anyone who read this.

Posted on Mar 3, 2002, 9:09 PM

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You are so brave...

by

I really admire you for being able to open up here. That takes courage. I'm so sorry you lost your dad...he sounds absolutely wonderful, and I can only imagine how much you miss him.

You never deserved what Jerry did to you. I'm glad you were finally able to tell a teacher what was happening. I'm glad he's in jail. I know the trial is scary for you, and will be hard, but I see a lot of strength in you, and I feel like you will pull through it just fine. You are not evil or ugly, no matter what Jerry said or did. He is the evil one. Also, you were not stupid to believe his threats...you were (and still are) a kid, he's an adult. Or at least he's supposed to be. He used his age and strength and power of authority to hurt you. You had no way of knowing he would not do the things he threatened to do. Had I been in your shoes, I probably would have believed him too. That's how they keep us quiet...with fear. It took a lot of courage to tell the teacher. And it took a lot of courage to write about it here. And it will take a lot of courage to talk to your foster mom, and to go to trial. But you are strong...stronger than you think. I can see it, even if you can't. I'm so glad you are here. I think giving your foster mom the link to here is a great idea...or printing it would work too. However you do it, I know you will find a way to open the door. Thank you for being you, Jamie-lee. I'm glad to have the opportunity to get to know you.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 4, 2002, 9:08 AM

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thankyou Terrie

by Jamie-lee

Yep my dad was absolutely wonderful, and i think my memories of him help me during the real bad days. This is pretty lame but he used to call me his munchkin and when i feel real bad i think of that and the kool times we had together, Jackie is my foster mums name so ill call her that because it's less to type. Jackie says my dad is my angel now and helping me with everything. My dad would punch Jerry if he could i know that for sure, and he wouldn't be real happy with my mum neither. Thanks for saying that it took courage to tell my teacher and to write here too, and for the nice things you said about me. I suppose that your right and i might think that about me too one day, it's just hard to think that sometimes. And i know him being in Jail is good because he can't hurt anyone else but i dont want to see him again or tell in court about what we did. I don't want to be a wimp or a sook but it's hard and i dont think it's fair, they have evidence that proves it and i wish they would only use that and leave me alone. I like Jackie because she seems nice and she says she likes me and i don't want to hurt her feelings but i keep thinking i could run away and then i wont have to go to court. I know that i'm being silly but im worried. It is kool though because i will think of something and like Jackie says my daddy will help me. Thanks also for saying your glad to have the opportunity to get to know me, you sound pretty kool and im glad for the same too. I'm sorry you got hurt too and thanks for telling me about that, it's good to know that someone else knows how i feel and not that it's good that you got hurt too but because you are here on the net, i feel real different to my friends off-line and could never tell them what i think or how i really feel but here you know already.

Hope your day is a good one

Posted on Mar 5, 2002, 2:44 AM

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Scared to go to sleep

by Tam

The nightmares are so bad when I sleep. The flashbacks are so bad when I'm awake. When will this end??? It's really scary & I am hurting so bad. I sit here feeling like he's watching me. I go out in the dark & am terrified of the dark. I don't feel safe any where. I don't feel free any where either. I am so tired of trusting people & getting hurt. It's scary not to have friends close to hold me. And tonight it's so hard to deal with this pain alone. I want to be strong but, just don't know how. I am so scared!!!!!! I wish he'd leave me alone forever!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do.


Posted on Mar 3, 2002, 12:05 AM

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Hi Tam

by

I answered you below, but didn't want to ignore this post. I hope you can get some peaceful rest soon.

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 3, 2002, 7:21 PM

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Another bad day Terrie (trriggering for some)

by Tam

I didn't sleep much last night but, I did long enough to have another nightmare. I am so tired of living this way. It's not fair & it's to painful. I had to go through the real feelings as a child the pain & now I'm dealing with the same thing only it seems to be harder for me to handle now. I feel at times like I'm losing my mind. I wake up sweating on a cold night because I remember in my nightmare him hurting me on a really hot day & as I would fight & try to get away I'd be burning up with sweat. I also wake up freezing sometimes because I remember him taking me into the cold water to play more of his sick games. I gasp for breath sometimes because of the things he did. I also hyperventilate at times. I remember him covering ym mouth & the way he'd cover my face with a pillow so nobody would hear me. It really scares me to feel these things again. I can feel him touch me some nights. I feel him watching me as I bath & dress. I even remember a time when he had other men standing at the truck with him at a river. They were giving him money & I was so scared. I remember a terrible smell as someone grabbed me from behind & held something over my nose & mouth. I couldn't fight & they just laughed. Next thing I knew I was waking up naked in the back of my grandfather's truck & hurting all over. I knew I had been raped several times. My grandfather was sitting on the tailgate of his truck drinking a beer. He ordered me to go to the river & get cleaned up so we could go home. See my grandfather had everyone so fooled though. He would go to church & sing & talk about God on Sunday & then the rest of the week he drunk & was the pure devil. Nobody but, my grandmother,mom & I saw that side of him. So when the truth came out nobody even in my family wanted to believe it. It never went any farther. It don't matter nobody would have believed me anyway. I just can't understand why nobody could see the signs. Even when I had to go to the Dr. & have urinary tract surgery at age 5 they should have been able to tell. Anyway the pain is worse right now reliving it than it was then. Then I knew it hurt & I was confused but, now that I know what it was it's just sick. It makes me feel like less of a person somehow. He hurt me long enough though. Terrie I want this pain to go away. I don't want to let him keep hurting me in my memories. I'm so scared. Every time when I think this has to be the worse nightmare ever & it couldn't get worse, it always does. There's always more sick things he did. I even get scared sometimes walking through the house in the dark. I feel him following me. I can hear his voice sometimes & it's so plain. Even though he's been dead now for 16 years. Why? I am so confused. Am I losing my mind? There's nowhere to hide. He goes every where I go. I can go by a strange picnic place or abandoned building & remember things. It's like there's no where to go & feel peace or safety. He hurt me so bad. I go to my mom's & she has never brought it up since she found out when I was nine. We have a real communication problem & I have never done anything right in her eyes. She fusses at me for everything. I do everything wrong so I know I'll never be able to talk to her about it but, she still talks about missing him. What a good man he was. He wasn't good. Not at all. She has his pictures sitting around. I hate looking at them so when she leaves the room I put another one in front of his so I don't feel like he's watching me. Why does she refuse to see what he really was? He was a mean, sick man? I hope somebody understands me. I am hurting so bad inside. I want him to go away & leave me alone. I'm tired of feeling that pain again. Those slaps & whippings I'd get when I'd make him angry by fighting him. So after a while I'd just lay there & pretend to die & even at times hope to die so he'd stop. He made me watch many times in a mirror when he'd tie me up with belts & use things to hurt me then rape me. I hate a mirror to this day & I have them all over my bedroom. I look in the mirror & see that little girl all over again. Can anyone understand me? Please tell me I'm not insane. I'm so scared. Hurting so bad. I need a gentle hug but, afraid someone will hurt me. I am hanging by a thread & it feels like everyone around me are fighting to see who can cut that thread first. I'm so afraid. I'm trembling now. It's so real!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to hurt anymore!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted on Mar 2, 2002, 11:49 AM

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:(

by

Just want to let you know, I know how you feel and yes understand you. I know many things you describe, mirrors etc...wish to say something helpful, make that all stop for you. I came here to maybe find other people who know what and understand, not sounds nuts to them...now sad that I did. I wish nobody did understand.
Just let you know yes understand, and don't think you are insane...just so much pain, and nothing to make it stop. Hang on, ok..??


Posted on Mar 2, 2002, 12:32 PM

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Hi silenttstar

by

Thanks so much for letting me know I'm not insane. You're right the pain is so very bad. It's sad to know so many have been hurt in similar ways. I'm glad I'm not alone though. I get so scared at times. The feelings are so real again. I am trying to get some of this fear out & try to deal with things. Not doing so well though. It just hurts so bad. I cry so often. I just want to feel safe. Thanks for responding & hope you will feel better soon too. Take care of yourself. And I'm here anytime if you want to talk.

Posted on Mar 2, 2002, 4:29 PM

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{{{{{{{{Tam}}}}}}}}}

by

I understand you perfectly, and I know it is so so hard. Can I ask, have you ever read The Courage to Heal? It is a very good book for survivors, and it talks about what you are going through now. It stresses that you are NOT going insane, even though it feels like it. I highly recommend it. Also, many cities have Survivors of Incest Anonymous groups, and those can be a good place to meet other survivors and know that you are not alone, and know that others do understand what you are going through. Flashbacks and body memories do feel awful, I know. And you didn't deserve for him to do any of those things, or for your mom to deny all that he did. You matter, and you will get through this. I know it's not happening fast enough, but it will happen.

Peace and comfort,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 3, 2002, 7:20 PM

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The pain is so bad.

by Tam

The painful memories are so hard to deal with. They cut me like a knife. I am so scared. I am so confused & don't know what to do next. I feel every time I try to talk & feel better the nightmares & flashbacks are worse. I am running into a brick wall. Why do I hurt so bad? Why can't I let go? I just want to be loved & find happiness. That seems impossible. Some nights I wake up fighting because I feel him on top of me. I have woke up in a tub of really Hot water trying to scrub the dirty feeling off. I wake up sometimes trembling all over. I get so scared. I can feel him at times right on top of me. Even wake up having trouble breathing because I remember how hard it was to breath as he'd hurt me & he was so big & heavy & he'd hold my mouth shut. It's so scary I feel his eyes following me sometimes. I feel him as if he's right here again. He's dead he can't hurt me so why am I feeling this way??? I'm so confused. Nobody can love me. I'm tired of being hurt. Don't know where to turn or what to do anymore.

Posted on Mar 1, 2002, 10:33 PM

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Hi Tam

by

What you are describing sounds like flashbacks and body memories. I know those are so hard, cuz it involved feeling all the sensations again. This is, unfortunately, a very real and very hard part of recovery. Most of us go through this reexperiencing before coming out on the other side. You are not alone Tam. Keep on processing, give yourself affirmations, and be gentle with yourself.

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 2, 2002, 10:17 AM

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