Memory Meadow (Moderated)

This is a safe place to talk about your memories. I've created a safe meadow where you can put the memories and let the gentle breeze quiet the pain. Many of the memories are difficult to talk about, and may be very difficult to read about, so please take gentle care of yourself.

i want my old life back

by Jamie-lee

My step-dad did things to me that i didn't want him to. Now i have to live with it and im finding it real hard, real hard. I thought when it stopped i would be ok but it isn't ok and it wont ever be again, i cant sleep anymore and when i do i get woken by nightmares of it happening all over again and again. Life doesn't feel good anymore, i don't want to be around my friends, school sucks and i want out. i remember when i was real little and couldn't wait to start each and every day, but now i just don't want to do anything. I can't even put what i feel into words, guess i just feel BADDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all the time. What the hell did i do to deserve this? How do i forget it all and move on? i just want my old life back, the one where i felt safe, happy, loved and worthwhile.

Posted on Mar 1, 2002, 8:04 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Hi Jaime-lee

I'm so sorry your step-dad did that to you. You sure didn't deserve it. As for getting past it and feeling better, I highly recommend therapy, and if necessary, medication. You stated you are still in school...is that high school or college? Either way, you could talk to a school counselor. Have you talked to your mom? Is she still married to your step-dad? Please know that you are not alone. If there is anything I can do to help you, please let me know.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 1, 2002, 6:14 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Terrie

by Jamie-lee

Thanks for reading and responding Terrie. I'm in the seventh grade at high school and i'm sort of in therapy. My foster mother is a counsellor but i find it too hard to talk about and i dont want to worry her. I also feel pretty discussed when i think about things and i worry about what she'll think if i tell her about it. I only want some peace i think, one day without the memories would even be good. I take it your here for the same reason i am and if you are and if its ok to ask you, do or did you ever feel strange like your friends were from a different planet to you? i also feel bad for feeling jealous of my friends lives, its hard to explain what i mean but i constantly wish i was them and a part of their family, the same sort of family i once had before things went so wrong.

Thanks again

Posted on Mar 3, 2002, 8:11 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Hi Jamie-lee

I'm so glad you are in a good foster home and are safe. I would be willing to bet that your foster mom would welcome you opening up to her. First of all, as a counselor she is most likely familiar with what you are going through. And second, she chose to be a foster mother because she WANTS to help. I can understand that you feel disgusted when you think about those things, but I can assure you, if she is a good counselor and a loving foster mom, she will still see you as the worthwhile person that you are, and will know that it was him that was disgusting, and not you. It was not your fault, Jamie-lee.

You asked about me. I am a survivor of abuse by several people outside of my family. I was in college before I realized that it was abuse. I remember being very scared each time. I never talked to anyone about most of them until college (except I talked to one friend about one of them right after it happened).

Hang in there Jamie-lee. It can and does get better. I'm so glad you are here. Please let me know how things go with your foster mom if/when you decide to talk to her. I really think she will be there for you if you do....

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 4, 2002, 8:54 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Hi Jamielee

by Tam

I understand the way you're feeling. I want a life with happy days where I can feel safe too. The only difference is I never had that as a child either. My painful memories started when I was 4. Which makes it hard for me to ever feel safe now. I felt so scared most of my life. I too thought my pain would go away as I got older. I was wrong it just hurts me worse now too. I never sleep & I have nightmares every time I do sleep. Remembering things my grandfather did to me that hurt me so badly. It is hard to explain all the bad feelings we have inside. I wouldn't know where to begin. But, talking & opening up is a new beginning. That's a good start. It's a healing process we have to go through & after all these years I can tell you it won't go away over night. But, I am told that someday it will get easier. I hope that happens soon. I am tired of living this way too. I have always taken the blame for what happened & felt this is what I deserved too. I know you never deserved what happened to you. I am so sorry you are having to relive what happened every day. I know it's so hard. I will be glad to listen anytime you want to talk though. And I want you to know that I understand your pain. Take care of yourself & remember you are a good person & deserve to find that happiness again.

Posted on Mar 1, 2002, 6:56 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Tam

by Jamie-lee

Thanks for reading and writing me back. and thanks for the understanding and also for saying im a good person and deserve to find happiness. I suppose they are things i find hardest to truly see but i hope someday i can.

Posted on Mar 3, 2002, 8:20 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

its somewhere..

Keep looking sweetie...sorry i can't be more help...but somewhere is a good life, maybe not exactly your old one now, but one you deserve...
Take care..

Posted on Mar 2, 2002, 3:15 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Silenttstar

by Jamie-lee

Thanks for reading and writing back silenttstar. And you did help just by "listening".

Posted on Mar 3, 2002, 8:15 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

lisa

Hi sweetie. I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you today.

I love you.

Terrie

Posted on Mar 1, 2002, 7:34 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

I love you Terrie

by lisa

thanx for the phone call......
love you lots...
and your vooice is so....soft..and saf
thanx
lisa

Posted on Mar 1, 2002, 9:55 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

I love you too lisa

I'm so glad we got to talk.

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 2, 2002, 10:12 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

I remember

by NobodyPerfect

I remember thinking when I left the home for college that the bad stuff was over and I was FREE! I really felt free for a while. Now it is 28 years later and a lot has happened since then. Not too long ago the past hit me in the face like a wet mackerel and it has been hard.

When I think of how that felt, to be so free and unafraid, its like a kind of torture. I wonder if it can ever be that way again. T says I'm really getting somewhere.... so why does it feel so awful?

sad

Posted on Feb 28, 2002, 6:03 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Hi there.

by Tam

You know I understand exactly what you're saying. I thought when my grandfather died I was finally free! No more pain. I was so happy. Then when the real reality of what happened hit me in the face & began to bother me worse each year I tried to erase it from my mind. Well it didn't go away. I have been told by several people I have finally opened up to that I was making progress too. You know to me though it felt worse than ever. It felt like instead of going forward I was taking steps backwards. I hope you understand me. I have always heard the saying it gets worse before it gets better though. Maybe, this is true. I just hope it gets better soon. For all of us. We have suffered long enough. We deserve to be happy & be loved & most of all free!! Free from pain & hurt. I am 30 now & I feel like a failure because I can't handle this well. Even put it behind me like so many others have. But, it's a healing process that takes a while. One step at a time. It's like a baby in a way trying to learn to walk all over again. We have to try to learn to do things all over again. It's hard to. But, at least people here understand us. So hope you find that happiness you deserve so much.You take care & write me anytime. It's nice to meet the people on here.

Posted on Feb 28, 2002, 11:01 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

just stuff that wont go away...maybe trigger??

just stuff that wont go away..
February 28 2002 at 2:11 AM silenttstar

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok...memories...
Could ignore memories ok for a long time, 8 years now!! But recently my father died, and my sister try to kill herself. Try to be there for my sister, also go through some of my father's things of his...all just make me think of all those things I prefer dont think about, but now they won't go away. My sister always want to talk about things, so much that sometimes prefer to just avoid her and feel sooo guilty for that when she is so sad. Before often can just ignore those memories, sometimes spaced out if something was uncomfortable or scared etc, but now recently spend most of the day spaced out, not just occasionally, and memories wont go away. When I was young child my father used to do many other things, must do whatever to him etc and for few years must sleep in my parents bed with them, and those memories always in my head, and other things from then. But I know did love us etc, and love him, but when I was 12 he was drunk, and bring his friend home, and rape me. Like suddenly he change from love to hate, don't know why, but can't make that stop memory. Always before it was easier to ignore that, but now it wont go away, I can't do anything, nevermind space out or anything...they are still there...Just always memories in my mind, and guilty to let him do that...and just cant make it go away!
Sorry for dump here...that is just getting bigger and I can't make it stop...

Posted on Feb 28, 2002, 2:30 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Dear silentstar (triggering)

by Tam

I can understand exactly where you're coming from. I'm so sorry you're hurting too. I know you feel bad to avoid your sister too at times but, you have to do what makes you feel safe sometimes. I like you don't understand why my grandfather couldn't show me love. He said that's what it was & I was special but, it sure never felt that way. It was too painful to be love. He molested me every other weekend from age 4 until I was 9. Well by about age 7 it ended up being more of rape than molesting. I asked why does he like hurting me so bad? I tried to block out the horrible memories & did fairly well with it for a while until I was a teenager & started dating. That's when allot of my trouble started. I felt so ugly & so confused & as bad as I wanted to forget those memories I couldn't. Many times I tried to commit suicide hoping to find a peace I needed so much. I knew that wasn't an answer though. I knew I had to face my problem & for me that was so hard to do. And still is. Sometimes I still feel like that helpless little girls. I have held most of the worst memories in now for 26 years. My mom told me at the age of 9 never to bring it up again so I didn't until recently. But, keeping these things in didn't make the problem better it just made it much worse. Now it seems to have turned into this huge monster & it's so hard to live with the pain. The nightmares make it so hard to sleep & I get very little sleep. Some nights none at all. I sit here afraid because I feel his eyes are following me every where. It's like he's right here. I thought when he died when I turned 14 my pain was over. I was wrong it has just gotten worse & turned into this huge storm. I too feel bad that I can't handle this well like others & feel less of a person because I have to come on here to let some of my pain out. But, then I have always felt shame & that I was less of a person because I let this happen. Nobody else protected me so I should have taken better care of myself. But, I didn't mean to go on & on. I just understand your pain & I'm here anytime you need to talk. Take care of yourself. I hope things get easier for you.

Posted on Feb 28, 2002, 5:06 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

silentstar

I'm so glad you are starting to open up about what happened to you. I can understand wanting to ignore it, but I also know that when you ignore something that big, it just grows inside of you. I want to let you know that it was not your fault that they did that to you...you were only a child, and they were adults...bigger and stronger than you, and in power over you. You had no control over that, and are not to blame. It was their fault. Not yours. Please know that you are not alone. And feel free to write here anytime. I try to check the board daily...occasionally miss a day or two, but always catch up.

Peace,
Terie

Posted on Feb 28, 2002, 8:37 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

thanks

Thank-you both...sorry Tam he still mess with you even when he is dead, I understand the same thing. Was better before my father died, feel ok like that is just old stuff, will go away. Then recently died and mess up everything I thought was ok..
I hope that does go away for you...makes me mad he can still hurt you nevermind dead or not..:/
Also thank-you Terrie, I do try to know that, thank you..

Posted on Mar 2, 2002, 3:10 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

memories

by virtues

i'm speaking for all of us because it's been so close to us lately and because someone dear to us brought it up
this valentine's day sucked big time!
we miss the love and the significance of a relationship
we miss friends who used to be close
we miss our dad, even though he was wrong

somewhere out there and sometime, things will be good again...we're sure
hurts have to heal
we have to "find" ourselves and be happy with "us"
when we do, we hope that things will be better than ever
the memories eat at us daily...just the simple things make us cry
did you know there are no humming birds here?
just thinking, crying, grieving
hoping....always hoping

r, h, n, s

Posted on Feb 27, 2002, 11:06 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

Safe hugs for all of you who want them. I know it is hard to feel lonely. And I know memories are hard. Please know that I am still here with you, and love you very much. Feel free to lean on me...I care.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Feb 28, 2002, 8:29 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

one day at a time

by Hope

the feelings are true and sincere
the loss is forever
the future still lies ahead
suzie...wrote you and she answered joey...hoping it doesn't backfire for her
love ya back!
Hope

Posted on Feb 28, 2002, 10:20 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

I'm so tired of this pain!!!!! (May be triggoring)

by Tam

I have been so down & depressed lately. It seems everything goes wrong in my life. I have tried so many things to try to get over this past. My grandfather hurt me so badly inside. He took so many things from me that I can never get back. I was told when it all came out as a child not to ever bring it up again. So for 26 years I have kept it in. Now it has grown into this huge monster. I have no self confidence or self love at all. I have always took the blame for everything. I feel no self worth at all. I have been treated like a piece of trash for so long that I now feel that's what I am a piece of garbage. I not only went through this with my grandfather but, when my first husband & I seperated & were getting divorced he raped me one night. It hurt so badly & I never told because I felt nobody else would call it that since we were still legally married. Plus, I was always told I was no good so I felt this is how I was suppose to be treated. That somehow this is what I deserved. I remarried almost 7 years ago now & this man has already cheated on me. He says he's sorry. But, men just know how to hurt me. And sexually I am dealing with somethings now I can't even talk about. It brings the past back even more. It's so unfair for men to hurt me. Why can't men just love me for me? I don't want anymore pain in my life. I am tired of these nightmares & flashbacks. This won't go away & leave me alone. I thought when I was 14 & my grandfather died it was finally over & I could have some peace in my life. Since then the memories have just gotten worse. I don't want to believe these horrible things could really have happened to me. It's like things you would only see in a horror movie. The only thing is the movie is me. I am scared & so exhausted from no rest. I want to get through this. I want to do something right for once in my life. He ruined enough of my life already. I can't keep it in anymore. The pain is too big. I have to get some of it out before it destroys me. Thanks for listening & understanding me. Nobody else does. I just want friends & for someone to love me for me. Is that too much to ask????

Posted on Feb 27, 2002, 9:41 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

something i've learned recently

by Hope...

this may not be the answer you want to hear and i certainly do feel all the pain in your post and i feel it in my life also
first thing is:
you have to be a friend to yourself and love yourself before it will work "forever" with anyone on the outside.

please keep trying
we are
Hope...

Posted on Feb 27, 2002, 10:57 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Hope

by Tam

Thanks for responding. I am so confused right now. I have never had trouble loving anyone but, myself. I am constantly helping others & doing things to make other people happy. I like to show people around me how much I care. I guess because I've needed that so much in my life & never found anyone that treated me that way. It hurts too so badly. I'm not sure how to start loving myself though. After all the terrible things my grandfather had me believing about myself as a little girl. It really sunk into my mind as I got older. Every bad thing he taught me about (me) really stuck with me more every day that went by & still does. I felt more worthless with each passing day. And then the pain the ex husband & the husband now have put me through just seem to prove he was right all along. Men just have to hurt me. They don't seem to know how to love me. Maybe I don't even know what love is! I am so confused. So tired of hurting. I just want for someone to really love me. Thanks for responding to my post. Take care of yourself.

Posted on Feb 28, 2002, 5:13 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

try this if you'd like

by Hope

i kept thinking that the things that happened in my past would be repeated no matter what i did

what if i think of each new day with new people a new adventure?
the old stuff doesn't apply today, this minute

a friend asks me to help them put together some new furniture...
it immediately brings some kind of defensiveness or thoughts of i just can't do it
it upsets them and me
the first thing i do is to think back why this happens all the time and i try to explain

well, what if i didn't compare this one time to the others and think of it as something i've never done before with totally different circumstances and not compare it to the past...which everyone is getting tired of hearing anyways...even insiders...

i go and help put the furniture together and we laugh at how stupid the directions are and we compliment each other for being a good workman or brain...have some popcorn, take a walk if we feel like throwing the whole thing off of the balcony...
in other words...make a good time of it for yourself

it's hard, i know
i get to start new with old baggage, but the old baggage is getting awfully heavy and i just want to let it go and have a fun time
i can deal with the cr*p at another time, with my t or sometime alone...but for this second, i'm gonna have fun

i'm not sure if i answered you and it probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but i've been down this road way too long and i'm tired of it

jmo
Hope...
good luck

Posted on Feb 28, 2002, 9:02 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Thanks Hope

by Tam

I am trying to have fun & make the best out of each new experience. It is very hard though & with no friends here it's even harder. You're right though people get tired of hearing my pain. I do appreciate you telling me what you think though. I am 30 now & more confused & hurting inside more than ever before. I very seldom sleep & when I do I just awake in a bad nightmare. I am glad we have this place to talk & let our pain out. Just wish it would go away for good you know? It would be nice huh? Well take care 7 thanks again for responding. It's nice to know people understand me a little even if I don't understand myself sometimes. Take care.

Posted on Feb 28, 2002, 10:50 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Tam

No matter what anyone told you or taught you through their actions, you are not a piece of garbage. You are a worthwhie person and derserving of love and respect. What your first husband did to you was rape...that you were married is beside the point, it was still forced. You did not deserve that. You say you don't know how to love yourself. I know that is hard after being taught for so long that you are not worthy of love. I have mentioned self-affirmations before. I will mention them again. In this case, the messages would be, "I love myself", "I deserve to be loved", "I am lovable". Try it. Keep trying it. It will take time...will not feel comfortable at first. Don't give up. Because you DO deserve to be loved, especially by you.

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Feb 28, 2002, 8:26 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

?

Hi...just recently found this place...not sure to say anything in a message board etc, don't want to upset anyone, but I guess that is what here is for to post whatever...? Seems all friends know each other here..? Not sure...

Posted on Feb 26, 2002, 9:25 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Welcome!

I'm so glad you found us! This message board is specifically for writing about triggering things such as memories or dreams, and each person is responsible for making sure they are in a safe place before reading; therefore it is ok to write about whatever you need to. Many of us do know each other, but we welcome newcomers too! In fact, this is where many of us "met". I also have other boards if you wish to use them as well. Healing Our Lives is at http://network54.com/45600 and is for general survivor chat. From there is a link to the Angry Expressions board where people can express their anger. I look forward to getting to know you.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Feb 27, 2002, 6:58 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

thanks:)

Thank-you Terrie, and for links:)

Posted on Feb 28, 2002, 2:31 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

link was wrong...here is correction

http://network54.com/Hide/Forum/45600

sorry about the mistake.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Feb 28, 2002, 8:08 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

in 3 daissss 3...too soon...i s...soon

by lisa

noooo stop the clok pleese omeone stoip the clok....now.......nooooooooooooooooooo
nooooooo

nooooooooo
nooooo

nooooooooooo
noooooooooooooo
stoppppppp it the clokkk......pleeesssssssseeeeeeee

stoppppppppppppp itttttttttt

skerrrrrrrrr
skerrrrrrrrrrr nooooo

Posted on Feb 26, 2002, 8:09 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

hi sweetie

I'm right here with you. holding you safely. keeping you close...

I love you,
Terrie

Posted on Feb 27, 2002, 6:53 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

The nightmares & flashbacks are so horrible.

by Tam

I am so tired right now. Haven't been able to sleep hardly at all in days. The little bit I do sleep I end up waking up in another horrible nightmare. And then I cry the rest of the night. They are so real & it's worse going through them now than it was back then. I can't understand why. I ask myself many questions all the time. Guess I'll never find the answers. But, I still wonder why my own grandfather had to hurt me? Why he ripped my childhood from me & forced me to grow up so fast? Why I am the one feeling guilty & taking the blame? I have always took the blame for everything that happens around me. I feel like trash, like I am worthless & unimportant to everyone. I feel so scared & alone. Men have hurt me all my life. My ex & even now I gte hurt. I am so tired of the pain. Tired of people turning away from me when I need them the most. It's always been this way. It hurts me so bad. Maybe being hurt by men is all I deserve. I'm so confused. Why can't people love me? Am I so horrible? I just hurt so bad & feel like an outsider that nobody can relate to. All I want is to be loved. I'm not sure I even know what the word love means! I would like to just shut myself in my room & never come out, so people can't hurt me anymore but, then grandad fixed that. Then I'd be in there facing the pain he gave me. Why can't people care for me like I do them? I love everyone around me. Always doing for others. Nobody ever does anything here for me? I try to show people I care hoping they will care back but, instead I get used so many times. I'm afraid to trust anyone. Everyone betrays my trust. That hurts so bad. I want to feel like smiling. I can't seem to find it anymore. All my life I've covered up my pain by smiling & pretending to be happy. I was told not to tell anyone what really happened. So I didn't. I was told this had caused enough trouble in my family. Well, what about the trouble it's caused & is still causing in my life? Don't my pain matter? Well, I am just tired of hurting. I don't feel like I belong any where I go. I am so tired of carrying this load. I pray the Lord above will help me. I am scared. I am tired. I just want a life. I just want someone to love me. I want to be understood. And for people to hug me instead of run from me. That cuts me so deeply inside. Well thanks for listening. I just hurt so bad & have no where else to go so hope it was okay to come here.

Posted on Feb 26, 2002, 8:05 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

it was definately okay to come here!

by dawni

i'm sorry things are so bad for you right now. i wish they were better.

i know what it's like to feel that noone cares. but i do care. and i bet lots of others here on healing our lives care too.

i'm sorry i don't have any helpful advice for you. i seem to be struggling with the same problems lately myself.. so at least you're not alone, i guess.

sorry i'm not much help. but i do care.

~dawni

Posted on Feb 26, 2002, 5:11 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Hi Dawni

by Tam

It is a big help to know you understand me & that you care. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my message. I am sorry you too are suffering from the same pain I am. I hope we can both feel better too. Take care of yourself & thank you so much again for caring.

Posted on Feb 27, 2002, 7:59 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

{{{{{{{{{Tam}}}}}}}}}}

I'm sorry took so long to respond...I wanted to wait until I had enough time to really read what you wrote and compose what I want to say.

I am sorry the nightmares have been so awful lately. I know that must be so very very hard and tiring for you. I want to tell you that it was NOT your fault that your grandfather abused you. Not at all. You are not a horrible person, and you did not deserve to be hurt. You matter, and your feelings matter, whether or not there are adequate people around to tell you this. I know oftentimes people react to us in whatever way we believe they will, because they can read that in us. For example, if we think we are unlovable, then we don't easily attract love. Unfortunately, we have no control over the fact that we were taught these negative messages about ourselves, even though they aren't true. What we can do now, though, is to actively work on changing these messages/beliefs. I do this by using self-affirmations. For example, if I feel like I am worthless, I tell myself "I am a worthwhile person" and "I matter". It takes time to reprogram these beliefs...it does not happen overnight. But it can be done. I encourage you to work on this, because you deserve to feel good about yourself and to have friends who love you and support you. I'm glad you're here.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Feb 27, 2002, 6:52 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Thanks Terrie (triggering)

by Tam

Thanks for the response. I am so confused & hurting so bad inside. I don't feel I belong any where. And even though so many say what happened wasn't my fault I feel guilty like it was. If it wasn't why did so many get angry at me? Why so many times did my own mom tell me I was the reason my family were split apart? I don't understand. Then after about a year she made me go right back to see him. He never hurt me again but, he still tried to get me alone. But why would she want to take me back if she cared? That hurts me so much. I don't understand why it's so hard for people to care about me. I have tried to find someone to trust & time & time again they hurt me. I'm afraid to trust anyone. Every time I think I have a real friend & start to open up they walk out of my life. It hurts so bad. Anyway the painful things my grandfather did to me are coming back every time I close my eyes. Even in flashbacks. I don't sleep hardly at all now because I think I'm afraid of what I may remember next. What he did to me started as sexual abuse but, ended up being rape. I never wanted to say that but, that's really what it was. What could he see in a child from the ages of 4 to 9? I was so little & so scared. I just wanted for him to really love me. I wanted to be special but, what I felt wasn't special at all. Well, I have said too much already. I am afraid to say much. I want to be able to smile, & sleep well. I hope someday I can do that. Terrie thanks for being so kind & for taking the time to respond to me. I am so glad you are on my side. Please don't turn & run like everyone else. I am scared. Is it dumb for me to be scared as old as I am (30)? I feel like a total idiot & failure for not handling this better. But, I am hurting right now in my situation too. So maybe I do deserve this pain. Anyway thanks so much. You're a great person. It means allot to me to know you care.

Posted on Feb 27, 2002, 9:55 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Tam

It is not dumb to be scared...you have been betrayed many times. I'm sorry your own mother was one of those who betrayed you. Perhaps he had done the same thing to her and she is still in denial of that (just a thought...may or may not be true). Even if not, it is hard to believe that someone she loved would hurt her daughter, even when it is true. Unfortunately, many people who want to be in denial do blame the victim instead of accepting the truth. These people end up hurting us with their betrayal because they don't believe us, they blame us, they make us continue to go places where we can be hurt more. If they would only accept the truth, they could protect us, but this is too hard for them to do because they don't want to believe that someone they love would do that to anyone, therefore they remain in denial. That is why she blamed you, even though it was not your fault. That is why so many got angry at you (you accused someone they loved of doing something so unthinkable that they could not believe that he could do it, even though he really did and it really was his fault, not yours). That is why she sent you back with him, even though it was not in your best interest. I am sorry she did not take your side...she should have. You deserved to be believed and protected, but did not get this. I know that hurts so very much.

Do you currently have a therapist to help you process through the memories? If not, I hope you are able to get one. You don't have to go through this alone, and you can heal from it. It's hard, but it's possible. And no, it's not dumb to be scared...not at all. You have been hurt so much, it is natural to be scared after all that hurt. I'm glad you are here and can talk about it here.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Feb 28, 2002, 8:20 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Thanks again Terrie.

by Tam

It is nice to be able to come on here & talk about my pain. I have no where else to go. I was going to a counselor but, our time expired & now I have been talking to my new pastor. He is very good to me. I also have talked to a lady that helps at a crisis center. She thinks it will help to go to the center & tell what happened. I am having trouble dealing though. I am so scared & don't know if I can do it alone. Nobody seems to have time to take from their busy schedules to help me. So, I'm not sure. I am so ashamed & then I feel so nervous. I am SO AFRAID TO TRUST! Every time I ever have I have been hurt again. I don't need anymore pain in my life. Plus my situation now is not so good here. I am still being hurt st times. In a way I can't talk about. I am remembering times also when my grandfather would have men take turns on me & they'd give him money. Then I remember times where I was crying & someone would put a rag with something real strong on my mouth & that's all I remember. I guess I blacked out. I remember that pain though. I hurt so bad when I woke up. I would be laying in the back of his truck while he sit there staring at me drinking his beer. This is so unreal & I don't want to remember anymore. It gets worse all the time. So horrible. I pray this didn't happen. I'm so scared. Trembling again. I want this to go away Terrie. I am so tired of hurting inside. I covered my pain up on the outside all my life. Because I was told never to tell. Lately it's not so easy to cover up because it hurts so bad inside. I feel I'm losing control now. I am older now & should be able to handle this more than ever before. But, I'm failing. Thank you though for taking time to respond to my letter. I am glad you care not many do. I don't want to deal with this alone. I don't want to remember. It scares me so bad. Thanks again.

Posted on Feb 28, 2002, 11:16 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

mmemoris are stuk

by lisa

cant thik well ..im skard...terrie old me plese.....how..me gona do it???im so tired....cant sellp..hiding here...ok?? pleese...hid meee
lisa

Posted on Feb 24, 2002, 11:41 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

{{{{{{{{{{lisa}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm right here sweetie, holding you safely. It's gonna be ok. I'm with you.

Love you lots,
Terrie

Posted on Feb 25, 2002, 7:12 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

its bday soon....

by lisa

dont want badys..wy thye need bdays...

badays bad.......bad bad......
skardddddddddddd....skardddddddddddd
lisa

Posted on Feb 21, 2002, 9:28 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Hi sweetie

I'm sorry that your bday is so scary for you. Is there anything you can do to make it a better day? Maybe plan to do something nice for yourselves? I love you.

Snuggles,
Terrie

Posted on Feb 22, 2002, 11:15 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

terie

by lisa

like wat....? wat cani do?..is skary dai....al i tink is...hurtin.....
sorryyy
am baddd
lisa

Posted on Feb 22, 2002, 1:27 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

well....

what kinds of things do you like to do? maybe ou could play a game with a friend, or call me on the phone, or go for a walk, or any other number of things....

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on Feb 22, 2002, 2:30 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

terrie

by lisa

call yu is a good idee....
maybe draw..
goin for walk be good..
lucie say we b working to...
terrie....how i make the memories go?.
lisa

Posted on Feb 23, 2002, 10:19 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

hi sweetie

I don't know how to make the memories go away sweetie...but sometimes they are not as strong when they are talked about. If you want to write about them here or in e-mail, it's ok to do so.

Love you lots,
Terrie

Posted on Feb 23, 2002, 11:38 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

cant sleep

by lisa

@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
2
@@
@
@
@
bad dreems.....cant close eyes......want to be cudle....but am skared....cuz it hurting........want safe.....be safe......
Terrie....can i hid here......? wit you?plees?
lisa

:(:(:(

Posted on Feb 5, 2002, 11:34 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

hi lisa

you are always welcome to hide with me sweetie. I love you.

Holding you safely,
Terrie

Posted on Feb 6, 2002, 6:51 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Untitled

by kenneth

I have a friend who has trouble sleeping also. I just want you to know you are safe with God. Read Psalms 27. We don't have to be afraid, but I understand that you are sometimes and just wanted to encourage you. May you be able to rest in the Lord. A friend.
kenneth

Posted on Feb 15, 2002, 11:37 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Hi Kenneth.

I just wanted to say I read the message you sent to Lisa & even though it was to her & not me it helped me. It's nice to know there are people who put their trust in God. I know that God is the only one that can help me get over my past. I am really having a rough time dealing right now. At my age & being a mother of three girls I feel like a failure because this past has such a hold over my life. I have prayed for years for God to help me & he does but, I now pray for him to teach me to deal with it & to help me learn to help others with the pain I've experienced. I know he will in his time not mine. I am so tired of pain in my life. It hurts so much. I just want peace, I want to be able to have a good nights rest. With no nightmares. The nightmares are so real & they terrify me at times. Anyway didn't mean to talk this long. Thanks for reminding me of the psalms 27.

Posted on Feb 20, 2002, 12:44 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

I don't sleep either.

I can really understand your feelings. I have had trouble sleeping for years now. And on the nights I do go to sleep it's only for a little while to wake up in a terrible nightmare & then I am so scared. I feel so alone & every time I find a (friend) I think I can talk to about it they run from me. What's wrong with me???? I care for others why can't others care for me? I am afraid to trust anyone. I have been hurt so many times. The pain is unbearable at times. I just sit & cry. I stay in my room sometimes for days at a time not even coming out. I just want someone to love me & for someone to understand. I just feel so useless, like a failure. I am so very unimportant when I'm not around people don't even miss me. I just want to belong somewhere & everywhere I go I feel like an outcast. Maybe, I am an outcast. The friends that I open up to & tell about my past say it's not my fault. I try to get that in my head but, can't. Then the friends walk out on me & I'm wondering if maybe they really felt it was my fault. People treat me like I have a disease or something. I just want a friend to lean on. Someone to listen that's all. I can't deal with this pain, it hurts so bad. Tam

Posted on Feb 20, 2002, 12:35 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

maybe we

by lisa

can talk if u want? i am 9 but i can lissen if u wan? maibe it help?
i stil no sleep..to skard
hope u ok today
lisa

Posted on Feb 22, 2002, 1:33 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Hi sweet Lisa.

by Tam

Hi Lisa, thanks fro the response. You are very kind to want to help. I was your age when I was being hurt in fact it started when I was 4. I am so glad you're on here seeking help. The people on here are nice. You deserve to be happy not the pain you're suffering. I am much older than you now & I kept my pain in for years never talked about it. I was told not to. But, now my pain has turned into one big monster. So talking about it is good for you to be doing. I just hope your pain will go away. You don't deserve that sweety. I am sorry you don't sleep. I have had problem with this for years too. It is just getting worse for me too. But, thanks for writing back to me on here. I'll be your friend & be here for you anytime I can. If you want to talk you can email me. I'm on allot. And up allot of nights too. I'll email back if you like too. It's nice to talk. Well, take care & pray you can sleep well soon.

Posted on Feb 26, 2002, 8:13 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

teri angl

by karol

is me karol lucie elp me git eer...

i close mi iies
mee see him
i close mi iees
mee feel him
i close mi iees
mee smwll him
i close mi iies
mee skar
i close mi iies
mee cwiin
i close mi iies
mee no wan dem to opin agin

karol

Posted on Jan 29, 2002, 10:44 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Hi sweetie

{{{{{{{{{{karol}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry that it is so hard and scary for you. I think you are very brave to talk about it and write about it. I love you so very much, and I'm holding you nice and safe, all wrapped in the green blankie, holding the green bunny. I'm right here sweetie.

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on Jan 30, 2002, 8:15 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

old mee

by karol

peez......load noises ...pees old meee
hid eer
karol

Posted on Jan 30, 2002, 9:45 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

holding you...

holding you nice and safe, all wrapped up in a green blankie, just you and me, not letting go.

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on Jan 31, 2002, 7:18 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

very confused

by not really sure

not sure who i am really today.
i'm remembering things but not really remembering anything
things are coming back to me that have belonged only to the others
feeling overwhelmed
feeling sad
feeling confused at the mixture of emotions held in the memories
remembering 5th grade- being hit in the head with a bat
remembering 4th grade- making a pilgrim village
remembering 3rd grade- trying to tell
remembering 2nd grade- seeing myself smacked on the bottom by a nurse,
feeling disconnected
feeling alone
feeling rejected
everything is somehow real, yet surreal at the same time
not sure what to do or say
not sure it matters

Posted on Jan 27, 2002, 5:09 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Hi there

So sorry you are having such a rough time. I think it must be hard to suddenly have memories and feelings that have only belonged to the others. Please know you are not alone, and you do matter.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Jan 27, 2002, 6:57 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

not sure

by just me again

thanks for your kind words- just not feeling much like I matter right now. just so disjointed. wondering, trying to find a direction in my head to follow.
thanks for trying to understand

Posted on Jan 27, 2002, 9:54 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

i told a secret

and now everyone is mad. the whole group is messed up. but i didn't even tell the whole secret.

and kate punched me lots of times, then left jakob with me. ben is watching him now.

i am hiding here too.
abe

Posted on Jan 26, 2002, 4:54 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

abe

I'm so sorry things are so hard for you right now. You don't deserve to be hurt....I'm glad you are here.

Peace
Terrie

Posted on Jan 27, 2002, 9:55 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

ok..we can be..

by lisa

togetr..an be saf..jonah me an terrie..and we git warm..an hav blakit..green..i bring gren rabit..ann terrie will keep us saf....
a, skar....tired of to be skar...

lisa

Posted on Jan 20, 2002, 8:39 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

want to sit heer for litle time

by lisa

i am skard..an wan to bee sfae...cant spal gud..to skar...pleez..let me stai ltile.....skar.bad....thinkin...skarrrr
lisa

Posted on Jan 19, 2002, 8:43 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

its k

you can stay here an i will sit with you. i am scared bad too. an cold. i am thinking that i will never get warm.

we can sit here an wait for it to be all safe again, k?
just you an me.
jonah

Posted on Jan 20, 2002, 2:50 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Hi lisa...

I'm right here with you, and it looks like jonah is too. You can stay here with us as long as you want.

I love you,
Terrie

Posted on Jan 20, 2002, 10:07 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

this is bad stuff

ana is the one who got voted to go to t tomorrow so she was writing stuff for t. but she got triggered an stuff so then she did si stuff which is scary. it is not bad or nothing but it is a long time since we did do this. an now she did again. an the t has never seen us do it so we are scared bout what she might say.

but ironic is that the printer isn't working an the stuff can't even be printed. it all sucks.
jonahish

Posted on Jan 17, 2002, 2:16 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

{{{{{{ Jonah and all }}}}}}

I am glad the SI is not bad, but am sorry to hear that Ana got triggered into doing it. I know that is hard. I hope all goes well in t tomorrow. I love you.

Snuggles,
Terrie

Posted on Jan 17, 2002, 12:52 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

moments

there are minutes of the day, seconds really, when i'm not so sure i can do this anymore.

remember. live. remember. live. remember. live.
look normal.

ana

Posted on Jan 11, 2002, 12:18 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

ana

I know it can be very very difficult sometimes. You are strong, though. And I am here to support you. Feel free to write to me if you need to talk. I care.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Jan 11, 2002, 7:34 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

I hate xmas

@@@@@@
@@@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
mean tings happen in partiies ,.........skard
Lisa

Posted on Dec 20, 2001, 9:36 PM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

hi sweeie

I'm so sorry that mean things have happened to you at parties. That is just not fair at all, cuz parties are supposed to be fun, but they sure can't be much fun when mean things happen, huh? I hope you don't have to go to any bad parties this year, and that the holiday passes quickly for you.

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on Dec 21, 2001, 9:54 AM

Respond to this message

Return to Index

Create your own forum at Network54