This is a safe place to talk about your memories. I've created a safe meadow where you can put the memories and let the gentle breeze quiet the pain. Many of the memories are difficult to talk about, and may be very difficult to read about, so please take gentle care of yourself.
skar tu dai
by
i heer voises tudai im skar of wat tem sai...an feel alon...
miss mi frinds...
ime sorreye youre feelenge alone. ime rite heere baside youe ok? memryse suckese a lot a LOT. i hope theye go awaye fore you soone.
thank you from cortnie
At least let me control the remote, huh? Bad enough to be held hostage for weeks, but if I gotta watch racing on tv one more time I am gonna go NUTS! I hate cable.....
well, tonight when he came to bed I must confess I continued to watch tv on purpose for another hour while he tried to get to sleep. That is about the worst thing I could think up to do in retaliation so you can see how combative I am! lol
today i've done nothing right.
yesterday i did nothing right.
tomorrow, i'm sure that i will do nothing right enough for anyone.
K & T are fighting. why did i ever think they could live together? and i'm crumbling, but i bet if i stood up, plunged a fork into my butt and ran around singing Don't Worry, Be Happy, they would still not notice that anything is wrong with me and continue to want to k*ll each other.
Oh, sweetie...I'm so so sorry things are so rough for you right now. Come sit with me, and we can just be together away from the crazieness for a while. I hope things get better on the homefront soon, and please know that you must've done something right to have a friend like me. hehe
I am dealing with so many new nightmares & when I started posting on here I had allot of help. I had several people I could talk to & turn to. Now I have no one. Except my father above. I am depressed & feel like I have a plague os something like nobody cares. It hurts so bad because I really thought for once in my life I really had people who cared for me & they would never turn their backs on me. I guess, I'll never have that. I get hurt over & over. Why? Why do I deserve this? Why can't I find frineds to really care? Anyway it doesn't matter anymore. I have cried so much over this. I am so empty. My past is so hard & when it feels there's nobody here on earth that cares or nobody I can just talk to I get scared. I'm not sure I know what trust is anymore & not sure anyone cares. I feel so alone. Tam
Hey Tam, I was just thinking about you this morning and wondering how you are doing. I am wondering what has happened in your life.... do you still talk to the man who posted here?
I have gone through many periods like this where it seems there are no others in my life. We all get lonely honey. Want to talk about it? I have open ears and I really do care about you even if our aquaintence is pretty new.
Tam, I am so sorry you have been so abandoned. I know that is so so hard and lonely. You do not deserve that, though, Tam. You deserve so much better. And I'm so glad you were able to come here to talk about it, where you ARE supported and people DO care. I hope you can find that in 3D, but in the meantime, we are here, and you are always welcome here.
an old friend haunts me
I loved this person once and she won't quit hounding me.
I've gotten to where I don't feel safe for myself or any of my friends anymore.
I don't know why she won't leave me alone. I am gone. I haven't seen her in a very long time. She has no idea who I am or what kind of person oe people we have become. Why can't she leave us alone?
I must have hurt her badly and I am very sorry I did. But I wish it would stop because it has already done too much damage inside and outside.
I feel totally ruined for life by her. I don't think she can find me here. I hope so.
I don't know whether to blame her for my pain or both of us or if it is mine alone to carry.
I honestly feel like a p*rp but I don't know what I ever did but try and love her.
Maybe I don't remember. Maybe one of us came out and really did some damage that can't be forgiven.
I have to keep running. Next time, I hope she can't ever find me again.
This feels worse than what I went through as a kid. Maybe now it's because I am trying to protect the littler ones. Maybe because I see too many friends around me confused and hurting too.
hi sage..
wow umm, what can i say.. i think i relally identify with how you're feeling right now.. going through similar situation with a person who was my best firend.. also the first person i truely loved..
wish i could offer advice.. but all can say is that i feel your pain and offer sparklie things for you if yu want them.. and a shoudler/ear as well as the knowledge that if i read this right.. you're not alone..
love, dawni
who hopes you won't think her rude for saying she thinsk that she understands
I'm so sorry that you have continued to hurt and be hurt even as an adult. I don't think any of us deserve that, and I hope you can find some peace soon.
As a new born I was abandoned, adopted by good parents but they neglected me emotionally. As a result I have grown up a very angry person. I know that I mean well and I want to be a good person but the anger gets in the way. My partner of 12 yrs has just left because they can no longer stand the pain of my insults, my mood swings and generally making her feel terrible. One minute I have her on a pedestal but then the next I take it away. She has loved me truly for 12 yrs. and still feels love for me but she is hurting. I am currently going to therapy to deal with my issues for which everyone is happy but is there anything I can do to help my friend? We talk every day and see each other often and she knows I'm truly sorry but that doesn't take away her pain. Are there any books that anyone can suggest that might help her deal with her hurt and anger? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and God Bless you. Mercedes
getting help for yourself probably makes your friend the happiest out of anything you can do
I know it's a tough one...I really, really do.
Remember the saying by Camus..."If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. If not, it never was."
Just get well for yourself...then, things will work out.
I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I can understand.
blessings to you
riley...
Thank you Riley for your kind words. We are each working on trying to deal with our issues and as you said if it's meant to be it will....I can only hope *S* Have a nice day...Mercedes
Tomorrow is a wedding anniversary that I don't remember. The one who married the SO of this house 20 years ago is long gone. Many of us have stepped in at times to facilitate this marriage and with a lot of guilt at times. He knows we are many now, has known for a few months. He seems to accept so easily and for that I am grateful, but I must admit that there are tensions and feelings surrounding this anniversary tomorrow.
Some of us have wondered about being married (remarried) to him and how that would feel. It was a goal of mine to understand my feelings and incorporate some sort of plan into this time, this special 20th anniversary. Maybe plan a wedding for now, but it didn't work out. We are not ready and left trying to celebrate this time during a recouperation from surgery as well. Talk about confusing.....
I know I love him, he is a good man. Do I love him as a husband? Maybe. I am having problems getting over the past events.
I can only imagine the confusing feelings that must surround a situation such as yours. I hope that regardless of all of that, that you do have a special day for the anniversary, even if it does not feel like YOUR anniversary. I'll be thinking of you.
If I could only tell you the highlight of that day you would laugh so hard it would split your sides! Think graphically about the grossology of recouping major abdominal surgery..... now what would be a major thing that couold happen that will, in it's simplicity, mark that day in my memory forever???? :-) I guess ya just have to find happiness in where you're at sometimes.
We are getting along much better today and gee, it has only been NINE days since this was done! This was a tough one, but I think I can see some comfort soon, although I have NO idea when they will take out the drains or I will be able to sleep any way but flat on my back and propped by a complicated system of pillows! That is really getting old.
Today SO took us downtown to see 15 minutes of T before she started with people today. We sat in the car and T came out to talk for a while, it was nice. She had brought the little guys a toy at the science musium on her last trip so they were thrilled to see her. Have an appointment (first in a MONTH now!) for Monday, but not sure we will be able to do it, just too weak yet. Maybe do a phone thing......
Anyway, it was GREAT to be outside! The sun shining and the sky so blue. The air was crisp and lovely and clean. I had been slipping into depression too, but this one small trip outside jolted my appreciations back into perspective and I feel so much more at peace this evening. Thanks to T and SO for going to some lengths to help me feel better. Thanks to friends on the net for being so patient.
this sure is a tough one, but you know that for now all you can do is one thing at a time and getting better is first, for all of you
He sounds wonderful, but I'm not you.
My Hope...got us married twice.
I don't have regrets...we have 3 wonderful daughters and have had wonderful memories...when they let me in on them...LOL
I'm sure he will understand and since he loves you, he will make it as easy for you as he can. I do feel for you though...this is a hard thing to go through...be easy on yourself...K?
It's not anyone's fault.
riley...
You're right about it being tough to figure out. Some days I feel one way and other another, but I think if I can hang in there for a time it might become clearer. Maybe the past will heal and I will get some feeling about the present.
I just wanted to share this and I wasn't sure where to post it. I've seen poetry here and even though this isn't exactly a memory, I thought it might be as good a place as any to post.
Broken wings lie on the ground before us
Gossamer wings, Wings of satin steel
We want to fly
Soar through the sky
Grasp stars in our hands
Hold moonbeams in our arms
We want the universe to be our home
To play upon the planet's wake
And dance upon Saturn's rings
To hear the music of Angels voices
chorused in unity
We want our wings returned to us
To feel them softly caress on high
As clouds of cotton candy and stardust
fill our eyes
Please let us fly once again
To know that we are one
And to know the joy that can only be
When we mend our broken wings
Thank you so much for sharing that wonderful poem! It brought such a wistful smile to my face as I thought of the concepts you spoke of. Wow. Very expressive. Thanks.
I found this site because I recieve Terrie's daily meditation's for SAS on email. (Thanks Terrie, you sending those out has helped more times than you could ever know.)
I am a sexual abuse survivor. I am in college now and life has been going very well. I was diagnosed with bi-polar and hypothyroidism, they are both now under control and I have felt better than I ever have for the past year.
My problem is that when college started again, I began getting new memories. I was molested twice, once when I was very young (of which I don't remember much) and again when I was older (of which I remember a lot). The memories I'm getting now are from when I was very young.
It's hard because they are coming very slowly in bits and pieces. I am told that I often wake up screaming and that I talk (argue) in my sleep. In the past two weeks it has been very very difficult for me to fall asleep (not usualy a problem for me). The biggest problem is when I'm in that in-between zone of reality and sleepiness. Bits and pieces of memories of things that occured when I was younger keep coming up. I've had to sleep in another room with someone else already once this year because it was so terrifying. (I don't have a roomate).
I moved my bed, because I realized that was part of the problem. And the memories stopped for a couple weeks, but now they're back again. I wish I could remember it all at once or not at all. Does anyone else have these problems? Why are the memories returning and why so slowly? Not getting a good night's sleep is affecting my personality and my grades. Even if I think I've had a good amount of sleep and slept well throughout the night, I still fall asleep in class. It's becoming very difficult. When I drift off in class I often wake myself up because I'll feel like I'm going to scream. I'm terrified that one of these times I'll just start screaming. It's so tight in my throat. It feels like I need to scream but I can't, and so I try harder and harder and then I wake up. (Or at night, I often do wake up after I've already started screaming, or even worse now, I sleep right through my own screaming and someone else will tell me about it in the morning!)
Sorry so long. Just looking for advice/wisdom. I have a T on campus, but he does not specialize in S.A. I am thinking of asking him to refer me to a woman T that does, because I don't think I can handle discussing this with a man, and my T at home is way to far away.
Good to see you here! I imagine it must be so frustrating to only remember bits and pieces, and to have it all interfere so much with your sleep. I know one thing I did that helped me uncomver some early memories was free-writing. Not sure if it would help you or not, but can't hurt to try. What it is is to just write without thinking or censoring. Anything that comes into the mind, whether it makes sense or not. Nonstop for a specific amount of time (like 15 minutes). If there is not thought, write "I don't know what to write now" and keep on until other words come out on their own. Do not think, just write. I didn't even know I had been abused when I was 3 until I did this, and I later had some of it validated by my mom, so I know it's true. I certainly wish you the best of luck with it. I know it's hard. I'm here if you need to talk or need suppport.
hi,
I'm riley...a little older, but also going through many of the same sleep problems
People tell me I snore and everything, but I feel exhausted when I wake up.
I am very lucky because I am a multiple and I can ask others to sleep for me when the dreams are bad and frequent.
I agree though with Terrie...free wrting (I used to use my left hand) can get some of those dreamsout.
I also believe that the reason you are going through this now is simply because it is time to. That does make school hard, but not impossible. It might be a good idea to talk with a counselor at school...one whom you trust and let them know what is going on and if there are any services available to you which can help. When I was in college, I used disability services...sounds ba, but sure was helpful!
best wishes
and, there are lots of us here...just keep talking
riley...
I a new kid on the block too, Sarah, but some of your difficulties sound familiar. I know it can be extremely frustrating to get bits and pieces of memories instead of the whole thing. It may be that you're going at the rate that you can handle at this time. In case you're interested a technique I used was to write down dreams I'd had an then decide which parts seemed real to me and I'd focus on them in a quiet state of mind and see what came. I got quite a bit of useful information that way. This may not be of help to you, but I noticed that some other suggestions were made and they might work. I was wondering if your sleepiness in the day time ,after appearing to have enough sleep during the night, could be a trance like staate, perhaps. I hope you're able to find a therapist locally that you can work with. That'll make a difference I think. I know this is disturbing for you, but hang in there. Take care.
We went to group today to get some things settled before we leave and we played this bingo game
I was supposed to tell just one happy childhood memory.
I don't remember being a child...it was hard for them to understand, but they let it go.
I didn't get there til we were older.
bummed
riley...
I didn't know he talked to my d*d after Hope..did in the hosp
He asked for my bro and told him he was sorry for abusing him
My bro doesn't remember much except rebelling his teen years...maybe that made him healthier...the rebelling
T told me that we were abused...that we were used as pawns for our parents to look good on the outside
Perfect children, being tortured all the time.
My brother told me this...it's like a miracle to me.
I'm sad he was hurt so badly. I don't remember his stuff. He doesn't want to remember. But he knows...he believes in me and he's sorry too.
And, I could finally tell a family member about "me"
watch out cuz I'm out of the closet now! hehehe
And, he says it's just fine and he doesn't care and whatever is right for me is good.
I'm glad we talked...it's been so many years now.
Validation is so important, huh?
I'm gonna be okay. I am not crazy and I'm not making this stuff up in my head. It did happen. My dad said so. It took too many years until my little brother told me though...the pain. We both went through pain together.
I hope things just don't start pouring out like a faucet at the moment...can't handle it. My fam still doesn't know I'm DID and I am not gonna tell them. That's my life
Hey, and he's gonna call me Riley now too! No more Mary...get to be Riley. yahoo!
Good goes along with the bad, funny isn't it?
ri...
wow...validation is so important, and I'm so glad you got some. Please know that I'm here to support you as you go thorough the transition you are going through, and as various feelings surface. I'm glad your brother is at least somewhat supportive. That is great! I hope this will lead to more healing, because you deserve it!
skard, skard....am skard an am losing my safe plase an i cant find it...
bad dreems ..no sleep...no safe...memoris all time... him ther all time...i see eer an feel him al tim
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IM SKARD an AGRI him control mi dreems.....wan him an frins tu be DED.................DED............DEDDDDDDDDDDD
I'm so so sorry you are feeling so scared and angry. Is the safe place you can't find the safe place board? If it is, e-mail me and I will send you the address, ok? I love you very very much, and I'm holding you nice and safe, and rocking and rocking.
Just got of the phone to life line, because im having a realy hard time in fighting my constant thoughts of feeling like id be better off if i ended it all. the lady on the other end said a whole lot of stuff that i dont even remember hearing, but one thing she said after i told her about the flashbacks i cant get out of my damned stupid head was, "dont let your abusers win", havnt they already won? i mean realy they. stuffed up everything, my whole life is ruled by what they did, i cant do things that normal people do, i hide myself away from the world because im too guttless to face anyone, i cant eat, i cant sleep, i cut myself because im an idiot and im sick of feeling so fucked up........So what they won, they keep on winning and who gives a toss if im here or not, like anyones realy going to care if im gone? the chick on the end of the phone sure as hell isn't, im no damed use to anyone, what the hell do i have to offer?, i died along time ago, ive simply been existing far too long now, dont deserve to get something i want for once? dont i deserve peace? dont i deserve to stop hurting?
I have been exactly where you are. I have been hurt in the most basic ways for years on end. I have been at the end of my rope many times.
Here is the hard part. The rest of your life is your own responsibility and you need to choose to have a better life in order to make it so. Not one other person on this planet can do that, only you can.
I decided he would not win. I fight flashbacks and cutting every day. I also found a very good T whom I have been meeting with for nearly 4 years and..... it IS getting better. He no longer controls my every movement and thought!! I win!!! That is what that woman meant, although from the vantage point you are in now, it is almost impossible to understand that.
I hope very much that you feel better and find your worth, because it is there for every one of us, even if it is buried underneath abuse. It is YOUR job to take control, by working on a positive mind-set, by getting professional help, meds if they are helpful to you (and take them regularly and as prescribed, I think that is the biggest mistake people make is to fight the meds or use them wrongly).
Nobody said it was easy, but that is why there are so many support groups in 3D or internet to help you while you are working on this. You need to not give up on yourself, that is the key. And in the mean time while you are working on that, we can hold your hand, ok?
You deserve full happiness and love and health and comfort and caring...we all do!
This is sad and I know when you feel the way you do (and I've been there soooooo many times), the last thing you want is for someone else to tell you anything that makes sense to them and is psycho babble.
I bet what you might like is for someone to just listen and maybe hold you while you struggle with thoughts and feelings of hopelessness....someone who gives a sh*t and is safe.
I can only extend my arms to you and tell you to keep talking...keep talking about what you feel.
I'm not gonna tell you that life will be hunky dorey over the next hill but I'm here to listen and I do care that you're feeling this way.
If it's okay, how about sitting next to me in this peaceful meadow, far away from all the bad junk and talk with me?
I'll listen and I won't tell you what to do except to give talking your feelings out a chance.
I do understand these feelings very very well. You're not alone.
reaching way out over the net....I extend a hand
riley...
Hi JustMe. Elise and Riley had some very good input, in my opinion. And I agree that you deserve all you want an more. I do hope that in time you can begin believe that, and to see it happen in your life. In the meantime, I, too, am reaching out my hand and loaning you an ear to listen. You DO matter. And I'm soglad you are here.
You are definately not "useless to anybody". I know it may not seem like much, but every time you post support to someone here, you are giving to them the very things you seek for yourself.
Now maybe that seems like small potatoes, but everyone has to start somewhere, right? And I am willing to bet that if you look at your life you have given to others in 3D too.
Just wanted to point that out.... I know that sometimes you can't FEEL like that, survivors are taught they are worthless. So we (and you) need to unteach that to yourself. Thank you for coming here and posting.
I hate war becuz it brings back the dreams of war. I don't know when we wer in a war but we were in our dreams. It's really bothering me bekuz I can't figur it out very good.
I hate this a lot. I am scared that I will have to hide behind homes and only come out at nightime.
I don't understand at all. Joy isn't even moving. What should I do?
Aleesha
Hi sweetie. I am thinking that this dream must be very scary for you. I do hope you can figure it out and that you can help Joy. I'm right here for you, ok?
What if we get hit with a bomb? Why am I worried so much?
I wish we could live in a place like ri...said last night. When we went to bed, we all were free for a minute on top of the circle thing with the pieces of mosaic dishes and glass on the mountain. Everyone was free from our body and it felt joyous. The sight was incredible, being free and not afraid.
I hope that somehow she can write it down. It is a little bit too much to write it on these boards as the feelings are intense for both boys and girls in every way as free.
I am glad you talk to me.
Aleesha
I think that many people are worried about exactly the same things you asked about. And I think that the experience on top of the circle sounds so wonderful, and I wish you really could live free and joyously. You deserve it.
*****Very MT***** PLease take care if you decide to read.
by Serena
Racing
Drifting
to a time long ago
or was it?
What is real?
Do the memories lie?
Listening
Watching,
Learning
Bad things
Evil things
Taught to hate
Taught to love
Love demanded
Love expected
What is love?
Love is crying, screaming
hurting, terrifying.
Little girls made big
LIttle girls made evil
Under the disguise
of Love.
Words repeated
Hurts patterned
Hatred forced
Tap..Tap...Tap....Tap.....
Who's here?
Tap.....Tap....Tap...Tap..
Now who's here?
Terror. Confusion. Who does he want?
Come out come out wherever you are.................
Pain. Horror.
Too much for one little girl to take
Too many details. Never never tell.
Hurts.
Back to present.
But the hurt doesnt stop.
The end?
No. There is more.
Another day. Another time. Another place.
Always more
to remember.
Sick.
You express yourself so well, and I'm so glad you have this place to share. Those horrible things should have never happened, and none of you deserved it. I hope things get better for you.
Hi Serena
It sounds somehow more real the way you've put it in prose. But there's just so much. And it goes on and on. But one day it stops. Yes one day it stops.
But I have been having some trouble with posting so we decided not to post for a while. Well I went back to read at another page and it seems that it seems many of us really miss that companionship, friendship and support. It also was apparent that many of us are really missed when we are not posting. It seemed unfair to have to quit just because of a couple of little problems, which are not my responsibility anyway, the only thing I am responsible for is what I put on the page. I am going to trust that the board owners can handle the problems and ignore them, while continuing to enjoy my friends.
took the bus for an hour and 15 minutes to t. walked a quarter of a mile, b/c the bus does not go any closer than that. went upstairs. t comes out and says, "i have someone who's having a crisis. i have to cancel your appt for today."
i walk a quarter of a mile back to the bus stop. i get on the bus. ride for an hour and 15 minutes. arrive home.
feeling abandoned and rejected. i understand that other people can be in crisis. the ironic thing is that we were going to tell her today just how suicidal we were. we had made up our minds to come clean and confess that we are fighting this battle. that we are desperate. that we can't do this without some serious help.
instead some other person, outside of us, beat us to having a crisis today.
and i spent 2 and a half hours on a bus for nothing.
Oh Alex! I'm so so sorry this happened to you!!! I'm wondering if she would have done anything differently if you had said "I'm in a crisis too. Can I wait here until you have dealt with the other person?" It's possible that she might say ok to that. I know you must feel so very frustrated having ridden the bus for so long for nothing, and to not be able to talk about what you are going through. Please know you are in my thoughts. I hope you have or can get another appointment soon so you can express your feelings to her and get her support in dealing with your suicidal feelings. I love you. {{{{{{{{{{{{{Alex}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
i called her and got another appt for 8 in the morning (eeeeepp!!!!). jonah says he's not going to go see her though, b/c he's afraid of her now. sigh sigh sigh.
why today?
and then kerry stacks extra stuff for me to do tomorrow. and i'm just overwhelmed. i got mad. tried to explain to her how i felt. jesse came out, did some head banging (her forte) and they fought. kerry said when she got her money from SSI she was going to leave us.
bigger sigh.
jesse did tell her to go, though. so she said she was.
shit.
when it rains....
how can any day that is already apeshit get so much more messed up?
i could be alone here very soon.
now what?
and jess unsubbed us from the dp lists. so that's gone.
she's doing her thing. push everyone away and become a hermit. she does it every time she feels completely crazy. we also have an appt with the h to be evaluated for admission, but we aren't going. they would admit us and we'd miss eli's first day of school. that's not gonna happen.
and i don't know what to say in t.
i don't know what to do anymore.
god, i'm only 14.
alex
I have lifted the ban on our household posting here. It will do us no more good to be sequestered than to be able to post. Thank you for asking, it was pivitol in changing my decision.
I appreciate you a lot. You make me feel cared for.