Memory Meadow (Moderated)

This is a safe place to talk about your memories. I've created a safe meadow where you can put the memories and let the gentle breeze quiet the pain. Many of the memories are difficult to talk about, and may be very difficult to read about, so please take gentle care of yourself.

this is what we think

by The SC

sometimes we think that the people we love the most, the ones we've made room for in our lives, have a more precarious place. they were chosen over many other people, to share our dreams and our hopes and our fears. they have traveled so many roads with us, the Us of multiplicity.

in some ways, they have so much to live up to. unconditional friendship, if there is any such thing, love beyond barriers, a belly for hearing hard things. we pick them, as they choose us. yet, their place is balanced, or so it seems. anything in the world can tip it, unsecure it from it's moorings, take it away. so much lost in so little time. and our balance is also thrown. the infamous undertow, luring us out to sea. trust dashed to smithereens.

we think there are people in the world that we can meet and trust. we think there must be some good somewhere. we think that all this can't be for nothing. "this" being--Life. that great mystery, the unknown adventure.


we laugh, now. hope flares in an otherwise devoid heart. we know now that nothing can really beat us. we know that we have survived 30 years of meetings and loss and meetings, and yet again, loss. our heart tears with each passing, but heals again, stronger and wiser than before.

we learn as we grow. we grow as we learn. that's the way it's always been and will be.

we step out of our tragic past.

The SC


Posted on Apr 24, 2001, 8:49 PM

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Hi SC

by

Good for you for having that hope, because you are right, there ARE good people. And sometimes even the people who go away are good people, but were only meant to be in our lives for a little while. Yes, it hurts when they go, and yes, we can heal and grow stronger. Keep the hope...you are deserving of love and friendship.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 25, 2001, 9:26 PM

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Hey mom.... MT

by Jenna

I was so happy to read your communication today, because even though you call me rough names, at least you promise to never contact me again. I hope you can remember that word NEVER, now, but it woudn't be the first time you went back on your word or lied your ass off to manipulate people and get what you want now would it?

Of course SOMEONE calls you Mom, but not me. To me that is not your REAL name. In the past you have abused me and my friends. You have hurt me, made me feel lonely, and have made it your business to let me know you think I am nothing or nobady. But I just want to remind you that there are people in this world who care about me and know that I am a good person inside. I am really glad you don't know who my T is because you are so cruel and vindictive that you would even try to undermine THAT relationship. Jealousy is a terrible and destructive thing so I am very glad you don't share any of my relationships any more.

Don't show up at my house or in my email or on my phone or anywhere else or else I will be forced to kick your big fat ugly ass!

Giant Jenna!!!!!

Now you may try to throw rocks but ya can't hurt me any more.

Posted on Apr 24, 2001, 12:54 PM

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wow

by breezy...

i wish some of the people in here could say stuff like that to their mom
were going to have to see her soon...at their daughters graduation and it scares them bunches
i know that our big will confront her with her not calling the police or filing a complaint when Hope...worked for this guy at a store and he would always try to fondle her
she was only 16...or the body was
a sherriff tried to get her to file a report but the mom refused
all i can say is YOU GO GIRL and congratulations for the spunk
wow
breezy...
oh sorry
im breeze...and im 16 or so and im part of suzie...s system
shes 6
anyways i hope to hear more stuff like this

Posted on Apr 24, 2001, 7:47 PM

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thanks, but I just want to say

by Jenna

We have put up with her for way too long and it wasn't until now that I dared to say it. Also as you can see, she does not post here so she will never see it, but I did make the decision to never speak to her again and it feels so good. Hopefully I will not back down, but I must admit that I did feel a little twinge of guilt after I posted it, her most powerful weapon against me. That and making me feel worthless. Other people have, at times, tried these same tactics, but it never had the effect that Mother did. I hate her, I do, I do.

So it was good to hear somebody else thinks it is a GOOD thing. Thanks.

Jenna

Posted on Apr 24, 2001, 8:41 PM

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i just realized and it scares me

by breezy...

i thought i just came about a year ago into our system
i hope its ok if i write here because i really am 16 but i hang out with suzie...inside a lot
i was thinking about when i came out here and why im in the core group and then i had a weird feeling like i was a baby
i had been sucking on a jaw breaker and felt over come with feeling babyish
Hope...always told me that i can act like one at times
im really scared because its hard for me to think about how to spel words and how to think big
i know its there right in front of me and i dont want to know
i really want to go to my castle or my cave and just watch things go by
why is this happening right now
no one inside takse care of me because i usually take care of them and i cant fall apart
i feel kind of stupid riting here and all but inside and out im all alone right now
breezy...
its ok to just ignore this because i am older but it felt pretty nice just to write it down

Posted on Apr 23, 2001, 11:12 PM

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Hi breezy

by

This board is for people of all ages, and I am very glad you came here to write. I'm not sure why you are feeling like you do, but is it possible that a baby is trying to blend with you? Or giving you it's memories or feelings? Many things like that can happen inside. I can sure understand how unsettling it must feel. Is there anyone else who can help take care of the kids while you take a break? Or can you have them all watch a movie or something so you can take a break? I'm here for you if you want to talk.

Terrie

Posted on Apr 24, 2001, 7:28 AM

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thank you for listening

by breeze...

it may be that a baby is blending but i dont know
i dont feel it now so its much better
i did turn on some cartoons and we fell asleep to them last night
thanks for the good idea
we actually got out of the house today and went for a drive
wow...it's getting so pretty outside
ill keep in mind that it may be a baby and since thats a possibility it may be a little bit easier to handle
if a baby needs a big voice then i dont mind so much
thanks for letting me write here
it helped and it helped that someone heard me
breezy...

Posted on Apr 24, 2001, 7:40 PM

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Hi again

by

I'm glad I was able to be here and I'm glad I was able to help. I'm also very glad you are feeling somewhat better. Please know that I will continue to be here if you need to talk more.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 25, 2001, 9:28 PM

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we are feeling so low....

by

just dont know how to get out of the hole we digged...
having so much memories...feel bad inside..dont know who i am..who we are..... what will happen and what did...

lucie

Posted on Apr 23, 2001, 3:52 PM

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Hi lucie

by

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low right now. Are you on any meds? Sometimes they can help take the edge off so the hard things are a little easier to deal with. Either way, I'm here for you....you can write me any time.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 23, 2001, 5:45 PM

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no meds.....

by

and no T...and no support..other then here...it is getting heavy...

Lucie

Posted on Apr 24, 2001, 10:28 PM

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Would it be possible...

by

would it be possible to see a doctor about getting some meds for depression? If you can get on the right ones, that can make the mood more stable and able to handle the rough times. I know...I've been taking them for years. Let me know if this might be possible, and if not, maybe we can brainstorm together to find some releif.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 25, 2001, 9:29 PM

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NOO

by

no.no meds.i cant take no meds....is impossible and he wont allow it..he got mad the first time...he get mad when i have to take meds for blood pressure...
what is brain stroming?

Posted on Apr 26, 2001, 3:54 PM

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Ok..

by

Brainstorming is talking together to come up with new ideas. You up for it?

Terrie

Posted on Apr 26, 2001, 6:28 PM

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yes

by

am up to it

lucie

Posted on Apr 26, 2001, 7:46 PM

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Ok

by

Have you tried any relaxation techniques? Hot baths, meditations, visualizations, etc....

Terrie

Posted on Apr 27, 2001, 5:45 PM

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No

by

Bath.i cant.cant go in baths.....no...
visualisation...not sure wha it is..
meditation?...is thinking of what youv done???



Posted on Apr 27, 2001, 6:30 PM

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Hi again

by

Visualization is where you picture nice calm things in your mind.....for some it might be laying out on the beach listening to the waves, for others it might be laying next to a babbling brook, or in a hammock in the woods. Just something peaceful. And meditation is similar, and can involve visualization, but doesn't always. It is thinking peaceful things and trying to calm your mind with peaceful words....sometimes affirmations, sometimes just something calming.

Terrie

Posted on Apr 28, 2001, 5:24 PM

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i cant be calm now

by

am too angry....dammm...i go from one end to another.....cant control....am not an agry person....but this.....
i know you read the mad board...so i wont repeat....but...is not fair...

cant be calm...am..boiling.....yu understand?

lucie

Posted on Apr 28, 2001, 7:25 PM

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I understand. nmh

by

.

Posted on Apr 28, 2001, 7:56 PM

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am just tired

by

an tired to think and to feel and to not sleep.....i want to be better,and stop hurting inside...she looked so small so fragile so dammmm peacfullll..why is that??....dammmm
i feel so guilty tho think she could of done these things....it mus os been a bad dream....but then is all so real..dont make sense....sorry..i know..am not sure if i am angry or in pain or ... i dont know...sory to ramble on....

sandra

Posted on Apr 22, 2001, 9:44 AM

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hey sandra

by alex

sometimes it's ok to not even know what you're feeling. lots of emotions are so close together. sometimes i feel afraid and i'm really angry or the other way around.

i also believe everything that i've been told by all of you. we used to say that the things we dreamt were just dreams, but now we know they are real.

it's ok to doubt yourself, though. i believe you. and i believe in you.

love and a hand to hold,
alex, with jonah watching and waving to lisa.

Posted on Apr 22, 2001, 4:22 PM

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is nice to know that ...

by

someone somewhere care and believe me...us...
your right i am not sure what i feel

sandra
hi jonah..from lisa...but she is having a tuff time to

Posted on Apr 22, 2001, 6:13 PM

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Sandra

by

I believe you too...I believe that you did not make any of it up, and that it really happened. And she may have looked small and fragile this time, but that does not mean she was small and fragile when she was younger, and when you were younger. And like Alex said, it's ok to not know what you are feeling. I'm here for you no matter what you are feeling, and I believe you.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 22, 2001, 9:36 PM

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dont look.trigger.need to get this off........

by

some say i need to talk about stuff so i feel better...am nor so sure...am not wanting to say these things cuze it hurt..but i keep dreeaming about them....about that night...about how i say no and he wont take no...but then,i say maybe i lead him on,cuz we were on a date..i wanted to be there...and wanted to do stuff...but then i freaked and could not and he comtinue and he woul not stop...i yielled and scartch..but he did not stop..he hurt me so bad..he beat me..broke ribs...he r*p* me ...
when i got home..my mother said it was my fault....maybe she id right....i was 15...

marie
sorry to have said this...

Posted on Apr 20, 2001, 6:46 PM

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Marie

by

It was NOT your fault. You always have a right to say no, no matter what. Being on a date does not give him the right to force you and hurt you. Even if you wanted to do stuff, you have the right to change you mind and he does not have the right to force you and hurt you. You are not to blame for what he did....he is. He was wrong. I'm glad you were able to come here and write about it. But I'm sorry it happened. You didn't deserve that.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 21, 2001, 9:43 AM

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hey

by

i feel so guilty and dirty and soooo ashame.i shoud of leave or never went

marie

Posted on Apr 21, 2001, 6:26 PM

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Marie

by

You are not to blame. you are not dirty, and you are not guilty, although I understand about feeling like you are. I'm here for you.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 22, 2001, 9:37 PM

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i keep washing and washing and..

by

it doesnt help...feel so bad..so yuuukyyy..is insane...
not enought soap to wash me.am disgussed

marie

Posted on Apr 23, 2001, 3:54 PM

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Hi marie

by

I know about feeling so dirty that you feel you can't get clean. Perhaps you can try some affirmations. For example, tell yourself "I am not dirty"...I know you will not feel like it is true, but the idea is to say it enough until it starts to feel like it is. If you can, you can even try "I am clean". Let me know how you do with these.

Here for you,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 23, 2001, 5:47 PM

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i tried

by

my hands are cracking up now.up to wrists.....i say the words....not working yet
thanx tho

Marie

Posted on Apr 24, 2001, 10:26 PM

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Hi Marie

by

Keep saying the words...it will take some time for you to start to believe them. And for your hands, are you using lotion? Since you are washing so often, you might try using it after each washing. I also hear that there are lotions or jellies that you can put on thicker at night and wear socks over your hands or something to keep it on overnight. I'm here for you.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 25, 2001, 9:32 PM

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hummmm ok

by

i ll keep trying still dont believe..am up to arms,they r itchy....and will try the cream...no gloves..have to have hands free...no tiess..

Marie



Posted on Apr 26, 2001, 4:08 PM

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Ok..

by

I hope the cream works. Use it often, so it can help heal.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 26, 2001, 6:31 PM

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yes....

by

will use cream

lots of it.....

how you doing?

Posted on Apr 26, 2001, 10:02 PM

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Hi there

by

I'm doing fine, although tired cuz of a very busy week. Have a roommate moving in this weekend, so that is good. Think I want a nap, though.......

Terrie

Posted on Apr 28, 2001, 5:21 PM

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to the world

by Charis of the SC

you ain't gonna get us down, old world. we survived so much before and we're not gonna let this world beat us. we are stronger than we know. i'm 12 and a protector. i'm holding them up.
Charis

Posted on Apr 19, 2001, 4:14 PM

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hello charis

by cortnie

you do sounde like a goode protecter. you are with jonah and alex and simon rite? thats wat the sc part meens i thinke? im kind of a protecter sort of for the babeyes but we got more protecters way older then me.
clayre is a protecter and she is 12 like you.
thank you from cortnie

Posted on Apr 19, 2001, 5:50 PM

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yep those are my people

by Anonymous

i'm their best protector if i say so myself. they only call on me if they're in big trouble. good to meet ya, cortnie.
charis

Posted on Apr 19, 2001, 8:45 PM

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oops

by charis

that was by me. not anonymous. forgot to put my name in.

silly me
charis

Posted on Apr 19, 2001, 8:47 PM

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Charis

by

I'm so glad to meet you....hope to have a chance to get to know you.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 19, 2001, 7:39 PM

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*sniff*

by Charis

smells like an adult. you an adult?
charis

Posted on Apr 19, 2001, 8:46 PM

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Hi there

by

Yes, I am....

Terrie

Posted on Apr 20, 2001, 5:11 PM

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yeah i figured

by charis

jonah has talked about you too. do you swim?
charis

Posted on Apr 20, 2001, 10:42 PM

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charis

by

I love to swim, although I don't get to very often. you?

Posted on Apr 21, 2001, 9:39 AM

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is lisa....HI

by

nic to meet yu.am happi jonah has a good protector

lisa

Posted on Apr 20, 2001, 6:40 PM

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hey lisa

by Charis

jonah talks about you a lot. nice to see ya here. and jonah has lots of us to protect him.

talk to ya another time
charis

Posted on Apr 20, 2001, 10:41 PM

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charis

by

i tink we tak te otr nite.yu seem nise sorry i leev fas

lisa

Posted on Apr 21, 2001, 6:27 PM

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how you get rid of memories?

by

i dont want to get in details...but how do you get rid of them??..how do you get to fell better...i am tired of feeling so bad..and they hurt me???

marie

Posted on Apr 17, 2001, 12:09 AM

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Hi Marie

by

Memories....I don't think you can actually make them go away, but in time you can make them not be so hard to have and so up in the front. The best way to do this is to talk about them and to process your feelings about them. I'm here if I can help with that, ok?

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 18, 2001, 7:28 AM

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i understand what you say

by

but why is it so hard to talk about?..i see them,i hear them,,i feel them..but cant taLk about them...and to who or where do i say them...have no T..dont want to put it on paper..because of him..is geting worst..cuz of funeral......is so hard.

terrie thanx for listening

marie

Posted on Apr 18, 2001, 4:12 PM

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Hi marie

by

I knwo it's hard to talk about...it's scary....you were probably told never to tell or something terrible would happen....those are common scare tactics used. They want to keep you quiet so they won't get in trouble. As for where to tell....you can write it here, or in an e-mail, if you want. I'm willing to listen...not sure how much I can help you process, but I can be a friend.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 18, 2001, 5:30 PM

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song lyrics

by Don't know who anymore

i think these were supposed to be happy lyrics. all i know is that they make me sad. crazy sad. i am in the SC with alex. hell, i'm supposed to be on the front with her so i guess i'm savi. but i've lost that identity mostly. i'm mostly alex. i'm 16 in a 30 year old body. lost without a friend it feels. this is the last i'm saying, i swear, about her. i miss them. t and j were my best friend. they were........everything. family forever, i think. and they are gone for forever. i'm never going to get over it, but i'm going to stop talking about it.

leaving it all.
-------------------
Here With Me by Dido
I didn't hear you leave, I wonder how am I still here
I didn't want to move a thing, it might change my memory
Oh I am what I am, I'll do what I want, but I can't hide
I won't go, I won't sleep, I can't breathe, until you're resting here with me
I won't leave, I can't hide, I cannot be, until you're resting here with me
I don't want to call my friends, they might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed, risk forgetting all that's been
Oh I am what I am, I'll do what I want, but I can't hide
I won't go, I won't sleep, I can't breathe, until you're resting here with me
I won't leave, I can't hide, I cannot be, until you're resting here with me



Posted on Apr 16, 2001, 1:34 AM

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Hi there

by

It's hard losing a best friend, isn't it? It hurts to the very core of our beings, and it tears our hearts apart. Please know that it's ok to talk about it, and that I'm here to listen. You matter to me.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 16, 2001, 8:30 AM

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i've talked about it so much

by S of the SC

i've made everyone around me sick of hearing it. and talking doesn't change a thing. i have never felt better. not with the constant reminders all around me. i just want it all to go away. i want to not feel.

s

Posted on Apr 16, 2001, 1:00 PM

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Savi

by Jenna

did you tell T?

Posted on Apr 16, 2001, 5:08 PM

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PS

by Jenna

I have a idea about this. Talking to somebody first.

Posted on Apr 16, 2001, 5:09 PM

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i think that's a good idea

by S of the SC

alex talked to T. we are agreed.

thanks,
s

Posted on Apr 16, 2001, 8:48 PM

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I meant talk to a therapist

by Jenna

Not to my friend whos name starts with a T.

Posted on Apr 17, 2001, 7:11 AM

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Fine

by Alexandra

Whatever.
Alexandra

Posted on Apr 17, 2001, 4:39 PM

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ps

by alex

for your info we don't have a t. we are doing this alone.
alex

Posted on Apr 17, 2001, 6:00 PM

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i got all this sad

by jonah

an i put it in a box. now i am gonna leave it here cause its too heavy. sometimes things are not fair. an sometimes i feel so on the outside of it all. i see them all laughing an having fun an i am out here outside the window looking in. maybe i am never going to fit nowhere. sometimes i am not feeling special to nobody. somedays i am just wanting to write an join in when i know i can't. somedays i just want to be real an go to the park an play an make friends. somedays it is hurting so bad even when i am smiling big. somedays i just want to play with the other kids.

jonah

Posted on Apr 15, 2001, 9:19 PM

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Hi sweetie

by

I'm so sorry you have so many sads right now. I know what it feels like to be on the outside looking in...I've been there many times. It's a lonely feeling. I want you to know, though, that you are special to me. I think you matter. I sure hope you feel better soon.

Love and safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 16, 2001, 8:26 AM

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can i crawl up?

by jonah

i am wanting a little cuddle k? cause i can't play with hardly nobody. so if i can't play then i want to be a baby an have people take care of me. i'm tired.

jonah

Posted on Apr 16, 2001, 1:01 PM

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Hi Jonah

by

You can crawl up and we can cuddle and rock whenever you want. I love you.

Snuggles,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 16, 2001, 8:44 PM

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queston

by cortnie

im not shure if im goeng to saye this the rite waye but i have to trye. i neede to no howe to seperate the past from the presante. our t wo we dont get to talke to vary muche at all rote a meen email to us and sayde thate we got to growe up and lern the presente is difrente from the past. so now im wondreng how i can tel the past from the presente. this email is makeng much upset on the in side and i relleye neede to helpe.
thank you from cortnie

Posted on Apr 12, 2001, 8:40 PM

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that wasn't a nice thing to say

by jonah

that t said a mean thing for sure to you. this is my way of telling which is which. when it was the past i was living in a whole nother house in a whole nother place. i didn't have the toys then that i have now. so when i am getting lost i grab hold of a new toy i got. an even then sometimes it is hard to tell when the memories start hurting. it doesn't have nothing to do with growing up. it has to do with healing your heart from the hurts that people did when your body was really a kid.when you work more on talking bout that scary stuff then it will get easier to tell the difference but not before then. you should tell your t to grow up. that would be good.
your friend
jonah

Posted on Apr 13, 2001, 12:52 AM

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Hi sweetie

by

I know it can be so hard sometimes to seperate the past from the present. I think jonah gave you so me wonderful ideas. Something I have heard that sometimes works, also, is ice on the skin. I don't know if it would work for y'all, but it can't hurt to try. I hope things get better soon. I love you all very very much.

Safe hugs if you want them,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 14, 2001, 11:01 AM

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alex

by cortnie

thanke you for makeinge a introduckshin to me downe there. my big says its improtent to no who we talke to on the computere. if im beeng a pane i cane stop talkeng to you ok?
i hope thate jonah and simon are feelenge ok todaye.
thank you from cortnie

Posted on Apr 11, 2001, 5:26 PM

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we must be writing at the same time

by alex

hehe

i'm glad your bigs are keeping you safe. that's very very important on the computer.

and you're not a pain. i like talking to you and i know jonah likes talking to you. it's very cool.

jonah and simon are fine today. jonah is feeling a little under the weather and worried, but sometimes it's his job just to worry. simon has cool glasses and no lights are bothering him. he's resting in the back with his brother, tobi. thank you.

it's nice to talk to you.
alex



Posted on Apr 11, 2001, 5:31 PM

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Somewhere to go

by cortnie (with some help)

my big is goeng to tip this becuz i want ite to be perfekte so evry won can unnderstande it. but she promisd not to change my wordse to bige peepele wordse this time juste tip the words.

Somewhere to go...

Right now, this is a bad time of the year for lots of people. So I wanted to make a place for all of us to go to where it's safe and kind of comforting and I'm sharing it with you today.
I made a big room with nice pretty painted yellow walls. There is a big big window and you can look outside any time you want to. In the back of the room is a big big fridge with lots of food inside and lots of drinks too for everyone and no one ever has to ask nice first if they need something to eat or drink.
There's some nice soft lullabyes playing on one side of the room and it's quiet on the other side in case you need some peace and quiet. I made some big fluffy pillows that everyone is allowed to use any time for sitting on, laying down or reading or whatever they want to. I put in lots of books and crayons and paper and a hole bunch of supplies in case we want to try to get our memories out on paper. Then there's a big box with a lock on it for us to put the memories into when we're done putting them on the paper. And also I made some rocking chairs there with lots of room for our bigs or terrie or a grown-up we love lots to rock with us and keep us safe. Also, there's lots of special blankets to keep us warm and a cooler to keep us cold what temperature we need to be safe. We can share our collection of stuffies (because we got lots!!!) or you can bring your own kind, you can do whatever you want to be kept safe and calm right now.....

thats wate i wantid to shaere to you todaye. i hope that ite is a nise plase for you if youre haveng some trubal times.
thank you from cortnie

Posted on Apr 11, 2001, 1:42 PM

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this sounds like a great place

by Alex

i think we'll stay here for a while, ok? i'll just pull up a fluffy pillow and have a coke. thanks for making this wonderful place for us to rest through this hard time. you're a pretty nice kid. and your bigs did a good job typing for you.

alex
with jonah with me

Posted on Apr 11, 2001, 5:27 PM

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Wow!

by

I love this room and what you have done to it. It looks beautiful and safe, and has so many wonderful safe things in it to help everyone get through the hard times. I'm here if anyone wants to sit with me or rock. I think I'll get a coke and relax and listen to beautiful lullabys.....

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 11, 2001, 5:40 PM

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I wish you got it?

by Eliza

Dyit root beer. I wisht I can sit with you Terrie and you can rok me. ok byby frum Eliza
yes also me to Mary Elizabeth and Mary Claire to


Posted on Apr 11, 2001, 8:00 PM

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Hi Eliza

by

I have plenty of diet root beer for you, and anything else anyone wants to drink. I will be very happy to sit with you and rock you, and Mary Elizabeth andMary Claire too.

Rocking....

Rocking....

Rocking....

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 12, 2001, 7:43 AM

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Thank you

by Eliza and sum Marys

:-)

Posted on Apr 13, 2001, 9:35 PM

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terry said to come here??

by

if i have bad memories.....and tell them but now am here..cant tell them..sorry..i cant..is scary and ..is bad and everyone will know am bad,and ungly and dirty.And will know what i have done......i was not able to stop them and did not say no...an am bad for that....and now i can t protect others..
sorry..i waisted all your time..sorry

sandra

Posted on Apr 9, 2001, 11:44 PM

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Hey, Sandra

by Alex

you know what? it's okay to get here and freak about writing anything. it's good that you even had the nerve to talk here. that shows that you are learning that it COULD be possible to talk. i know it's scary, though. when we first starting writing on a board two years ago, we didn't say much. we had to learn that it was okay to have memories and feelings, and it was all right to tell others. nothing bad was going to happen to us.

i don't think you are bad or ugly or dirty. i think that bad things happened to you. and that there were bad people in your life who hurt you so much there had to be a lot of you in one body to deal with it. you didn't do anything wrong. it is all on the shoulders of the people who hurt you. they are bad. they are dirty and ugly. they suck eggs. you couldn't say no. they didn't let you and you were little.

it's not your fault.

sending you love and chocolate,
Alex

Posted on Apr 10, 2001, 12:46 AM

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alex

by

is hard to belive all this...am freaking out here..in my head...is sooooo bad..am trying to keep it calm is like storm...noise,screams,i see red..red all over..and pain..and it dont stop.Am sooo cold ..the noise dont stop...am so frightened,is all so reel...

sandra

Posted on Apr 10, 2001, 1:35 PM

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I know

by Alex

it gets hard sometimes. that's the understatement of the year. where you are is very very hard. i'm hoping this will get better, but sometimes it takes a long time to get better...all i can tell you is to keep talking to all of us. keep letting out what you can. we are here for you.
love
alex

Posted on Apr 10, 2001, 7:53 PM

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my linda havin

by angelisse with wings

bad bad bad meoris to and i no wat tey be and tey be rellie bad to and i afrad nobodie lik me to and linda to and i thik tey be to bad to even say her to so i not and i jus wat to say i not thik you be dirty cus i no i not be dirty jus the bad thigs be reallie bad and we not say no cus we cant say no cus if we say no ten we get hurt rellie bad and me frind get hurt rellie bad and me broter get hurt rellie bad to and so i not wat tem to get hurt bad so we not say no and tat not be no choic tat wat me t do say and it hard for me to uderstana nd you no wat i wis i coud jus be happie and be a kid and not hav to see and feel and talk for everiebodie inside no mor

angelisse

Posted on Apr 10, 2001, 7:28 PM

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am sorry

by

anelisse that you feel like this.is not fair,and i will hold your haand if you want ,and maybe look at the sky with alex.

be safe little friend
sandra

Posted on Apr 11, 2001, 12:04 AM

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Hi Sandra

by

You did not waste my time at all...I know it is very scary to write about feelings and about memories. I know how real it all looks and feels. I also know you are not bad and ugly and dirty. And I know that I will not stop liking you if I know what happened. I know that the people who hurt you and made you do bad things are to blame for all of those things, not you. I know you were too small to stop them, but that you did protect others with you by taking some of the hurt on yourself. You are a hero for that...everyone inside is a hero for that, because everyone inside did something that helped to protect the heart and soul while those bad things were happening. I'm proud of you and I'm glad to see you here.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 11, 2001, 5:37 PM

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Untitled

by

it is hard...and am glad to have meet you Terrie.
i try to do my best to protect....but some are stronger...and is getting hard....am am tired...very tired....

sandra

Posted on Apr 11, 2001, 11:06 PM

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linda d d inside is havin bad bad bad bad bad times

by angelisse with wings

and she do be havin hard tim wit bad bad abd memroi of her babie tat not be her wit her no more and she be reallie scare to go and talk to t cus she never do meet tis new t and she not want to meet tis new t and i usulie talk for kids and abot wat tey be seein inside and i not want to do tis agin no i dont wat to tel t wat linda be seein and feelin and doin cus i jus wat to be kid now and i not wat to tell the bad stuf no more so i not no wat to do cus it be scare and linda be havin hard hard tim and she not wat to tel her frinds to cus she be thikin if she tel her frinds ten tey not goin to like her no more so she not talkin to nobodie and i not wat to no abot it no more and it gopin to be a reallie bad bad bad day on the 13 day i scare

angelisse

Posted on Apr 9, 2001, 4:38 PM

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hi angelisse

by Alex

my name is alex and i am jonah's big. you've talked to him on another board here, i think. i wanted to tell you that i'm sorry your linda d is sad and scared. it sounds like these next few days are gonna be hard. i know that i can't help a lot with this, but i wanted you to know that both jonah and i will sit with you both if you want. we'll just sit and look at the stars and clouds.

you sound like a brave kid. and kids need to be kids, you are right. i hope things are okay for you both.

caring,
alex

Posted on Apr 10, 2001, 12:50 AM

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thak you alex

by angelisse with wings

and i lik jonah to and i lik to look at stars and clouds to and i sit wit you and mabe sandra sit wit us to mabe

angelisse

Posted on Apr 10, 2001, 7:30 PM

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sure

by Alex

all five of us can sit here. me watching over all of you and making sure you're safe. linda d just holding on. you and jonah and sandra looking up at the clouds.

caring about you,
alex

Posted on Apr 10, 2001, 7:55 PM

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mtmtmtmtmtmtmt

by simon

lits hert
lits hert me
simon

Posted on Apr 6, 2001, 12:41 AM

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Hi simon

by

I'm so sorry you got hurt. I sure hope you feel better soon. You are welcome to come here anytime. I'm very happy to meet you.

Terrie

Posted on Apr 6, 2001, 9:33 AM

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hi to terrie

by Alex and Simon

Simon waves to you from behind me. he now has cortnie's beautiful blue sunglasses to wear and he's very happy. we still can't find the ones Phoenix gave to him. who knows where he put them?!? thank you again for being a good friend. we'll talk to you soon.
love
alex

Posted on Apr 8, 2001, 10:59 PM

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hi simon

by cortnie

i didnt meete you before so i hope its ok if i rite to youe ? im cortnie and im 6 or 8 but mosley 6.
im sorry that the lites hert you simon. thats no fun at all. i have a big pare of blue sunglases that you can boroe if you wante ?? my bige bot them aspeshaley fore me fore wene the sunlite herts me. but i dont minde shareng them if that mite helpe ok?
thank you from cortnie

Posted on Apr 6, 2001, 6:04 PM

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hi to cortnie

by Alex with Simon by me

thank you for offering your sunglasses to share with Simon. i don't know if you know, but Simon and Jonah are in the same body. Simon is like Jonah's little brother. he's having a hard time these days, but i am sure the glasses will help. that's very nice of you to share with him. he is 5 years old and kinda small.
he wanted to write back but sometimes writing is really hard for him. maybe he can write another time, okay?

thanks again,
Alex and Simon

Posted on Apr 8, 2001, 10:58 PM

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hi to simon and alex

by cortnie

thank youe for teleng me thate simon and jonah are togethr. youre rite i didint no thate. thats ok simon if its too harde to rite todaye. i do understande. im glade that my sunglasese was a goode idya. i cane alweys share theme if its goode for you simon. i hope you are feeleng beter todaye.
thank you from cortnie.
alex are youe a big?

Posted on Apr 8, 2001, 11:34 PM

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yes

by Alex

i'm jonah and simon's big. i am a woman, and i am 30 years old. i take care of the kids inside and our outside son who is 3 years old.

it is nice to meet you.
alex

Posted on Apr 9, 2001, 12:16 PM

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it all triggery for me

by jonah

when we were little we saw kids an mama looking people. they looked nice. they talked nice. we loved them with all our hearts cause they said nice things to us. then they'd find out we were bad. then they'd go way. teachers left. church ladies left. kids at school left when they foudn out we was differnt. all our lives people leave
they leave
they leave us
they leave us cause i'm bad.
i am hurting so much
everybody leaves us.
not just on thep uter
on 3d too
i am hating being alone
i am tired of being different
i just wnat to be 9
i just want to be me
i just want a mom
a real mom
i just wwant to be loved
i am hystircal
an alex
not letting me cry
an i am no typing good
anymore
an i am crying in that inside place where i love
i am wanting to not be in this place no more
i am wanting to run
an play
an be real
i am wanting to paly with other kids but alex says no
no can play with real boys cause we wil look bad
an don't know nobody with kids inside to paly with
i am hating being lone
jonahish

Posted on Apr 4, 2001, 2:34 AM

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sorri sorri sorri

by

i did not leev yu an am sorri yur sad....an yu did notin ..it is me..it is cuz of mi big i hav to leev...an am sad,an ting no good at hom an we ar so confus in, cuz my big dont no were to go... :( :( <

i com bac somtims to reed tis an wan to see yu smil ,cus it help me wen yu smil...i hurt lot an yu hol mi hand all time...an feel saf wit yu, an alex ,an terrie an cortine an littl...an all i forgot to nam but ar in mi hart...

i hav no sleep for long tim cuz i am sard...bad dreem..an is no saf to sleep animor

plees jonah..tak mi hand we help to be ok....


lisa :)

Posted on Apr 4, 2001, 8:59 PM

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hi lisa

by jonah

it is k. sometimes it is k to get sad or upset bout people going. an i am so glad to see that you are not all gone. an that you are still writing to me. i am understanding bout bigs keeping us way from the puter. for a very very long time i couldn't write nothing at all on here cause our bigs weren't feeling safe bout something. then they let me back. i know its different for you cause of what is going on there. but it is k to have feelings of being sad or mad or tired or anything like that cause its normal. i didn't write to make you feel bad. i wrote cause i wanted to stop thinking bout how bad i felt that you were going an i wanted to put it somewhere that wasn't in my head.

i know you are not leaving on purpose. an i know you are not leaving me but lots of times in these last two years i met people i really really liked an they went way. its hard an i got big feelings with it but i am k.

i am loving you lots. we can just sit here an hold hands an watch the clouds above us. that one looks like a cat...hehe.

i will look for you when you can be here.
love
jonah
ps tell marie an sandra an paule that i said hi. an that i am caring bout them too. an that alex says hi too.



Posted on Apr 5, 2001, 2:46 PM

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Hi jonahish

by

I'm so sorry so many people have left you...but it's not because you are bad, it's because they just don't understand. You are good, no matter what anyone thinks or says. And I'm sorry things are not the way you want them...I know it's not fair. But you are loved....I know that, cuz I love you. I don't need you to be any different...I love you just as you are. I sure hope you feel better soon.

Safe hugs if you want them,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 5, 2001, 6:52 PM

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hugs are good

by jonah

an how can you love me? you know this group did bad things. an all the friends left us. an sometimes we are bad in real life. an people just leave when they see that we are crazy. an how can you be loving me so much? you aren't even knowing us.

tho i am loving you too so i guess i am answering my own question huh?

i am just feeling low bout people going. i accept they leave. i don't accept that pain tho.

loving you an rocking
jonah

Posted on Apr 5, 2001, 10:30 PM

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Hi sweetie

by

Yes, you did answer your own question about how I can love you. And also, I do not think you're bad, even though your group has done bad things. I think everyone probably does bad things sometimes, and that we are just human and therefore not perfect. I am glad you are my friend, and I hope you feel better soon. I know the pain is hard. But I love you.

Hugs and rocking,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 6, 2001, 9:11 AM

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hi jonah

by cortnie

im sorry that youre feeeleng so lonalee. thats not a nise feeleng. i no. i am juste wanteng to tell you thate i dont thinke youre bad at al becuz i see that youre a varey goode frende to the kids heere and alweys nise to peepele. and im sorry that peepele lefte you and hade to make you feele bad. i hope that youre feeleng beter varey soon jonah.
thank you from cortnie
p.s. if you wante i can site withe you and helpe you feele not lonalee from me siteng with you ?
thank you agane from cortnie

Posted on Apr 6, 2001, 6:00 PM

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i would like that

by jonah

i would like if you sat with me, k? it would feel better. thank you.
jonah

Posted on Apr 8, 2001, 9:51 PM

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agin,agin...

by

te dreems ar agin an agin,wont stop..an wan it to stop.if i close mi eyes for a littl time i tink bout tings..bad tings.he get my close off,an he mak me plai wit his ting an hav to put mi mouth ther an ten he turn me on belli an get mi legs open...he hurt an hurt lots aftr,an i bleed he laff cuz i move an ples get him off.....plees...

Posted on Apr 1, 2001, 3:41 PM

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Hi lisa

by

I'm so sorry you had to do such terrible things and get hurt like that....it wasn't your fault, but I know it's hard to relive it again and again. I hope you feel better soon and that the bad dreams go away.

Your friend,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 2, 2001, 6:01 PM

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tanx

by

cuz i tri to tink of yu wen i hurt an hav bad dreems..hope is ok


lisa

Posted on Apr 3, 2001, 4:41 PM

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You're welcome

by

Of course it's ok...I hope you feel better soon.

Your friend,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 3, 2001, 5:55 PM

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this is not for kids to read mtmtmtmt

by jonah

k. we got our tonsils out an stuff. but there is some ucky stuff with it.
i am gonna scroll bout memory stuff
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
@
the medicine stuff makes us hallucinate bad. it makes all that past stuff come forward an its scaring us bad. an i keep seeing him. i am hating this
jonah

Posted on Mar 31, 2001, 6:01 PM

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Hi jonah

by

I'm so sorry you are seeing such horrible things...I hope the medicine gets done quick so you can start feeling more like yourselves. I can hold your hand or rock with you if you would like....

Your friend,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 31, 2001, 7:57 PM

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it is almost done

by jonah

we just got bout three more doses to take. then we can take pills an those are k. it is a weird thing this seeing stuff thats not there. the doc gave us new medicine to help too. an its almost done. yay. an thank you for offering to rock. that would be good. i rock with roxanna lots but now she is gone an i don't know where. so maybe i can rock with you? i'll crawl up an snuggle under your chin an get warm an rock til its better. thank you friend terrie.
love
jonah

Posted on Apr 1, 2001, 6:41 PM

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sorri

by

i did not reed but hope yur ok cus i dont no an need yu frind an want yu to no a,m her for yu..ok

lisa.

Posted on Mar 31, 2001, 9:54 PM

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it is k now

by jonah

cause that medicine is almost gone. only just three more things to take. then its over. an our throat is so much better. i can sit up now without feeling too sick. thank you for still wanting me to be your friend.
love
jonah
ps how are you?

Posted on Apr 1, 2001, 6:42 PM

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is it bad to tink yu wan to..

by

not be her animor? maibe mi big mumi was rite an am trouble an if i was not her is bettr.marie sai is bettr an is scari caus i hav frinds now an not sur is ok,cuz i like my frinds.marie alwais mak me do bad ting an mak me do tings i don wan to ,like him used to do an am scar now cuz she is takin mor now an i dont lik her.sandra dont lik her eetr.
confusd lots

lisa an sandra

Posted on Mar 31, 2001, 2:01 PM

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Hi lisa

by

I don't think it's bad to think that sometimes, cuz sometimes things are very very hard, I know. But you are not trouble, and I think it is better that you ARE here, cuz you helped and still help keep your big safe. And it's ok to have friends, too, and I know it will take some time to get used to that. And can you tell me who marie is? I'm just wondering....

Your friend,
Terrie

Posted on Mar 31, 2001, 3:30 PM

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she is a mean..

by

person,inside person.an sai my big is too week an sai she tak her awai from me.i wan marie to go awai.she not tak mush but dont lik wen she do.
she mean cuz she dont lik kids an lik it wen we cri..so is wi i dont cri lots cuz she laff an hurt more.

lisa

Posted on Apr 1, 2001, 10:57 AM

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Hi sweetie

by

I'm so sorry she's mean to you and to kids. I'm sorry she laughs when you cry. I'm sorry she wants to take your big person away. I bet she has some big feelings that make her do and say those things. I'm here if she ever wants to talk, and I'm here for you too lisa. I hope you are having a good day.

Your friend,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 1, 2001, 12:56 PM

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i take yur hand

by

if is ok...i am safe wit yu ok..

lisa

Posted on Apr 1, 2001, 3:49 PM

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