Memory Meadow (Moderated)

This is a safe place to talk about your memories. I've created a safe meadow where you can put the memories and let the gentle breeze quiet the pain. Many of the memories are difficult to talk about, and may be very difficult to read about, so please take gentle care of yourself.

Amy.....(poem...trigger)

by sandra

Amy

you're my reason to live
you're my sun
you're full of life
you're mine.

you're love
you're in me
you're part of me
you're strong
you're mine.

i can feel you inside me
i can hear your wispers
i feel you moving
i feel and hear your heart ticking
you're mine.

can you hear me ?
can you feel me?
you hear me call out your name?
you feel me love you?
are you mine?

they took you away
they didn't care
i feel empty
i feel lost
i am alone
were you ever mine?

were are you Amy
were they take you?
why don't you cry?
you're so tiny
you only moved a little
they took you away
were are you Amy?

I love you Amy
I wont forget you Amy
you are in my heart
they can't take you away,
from my heart
I love you Amy
you're mine.


written by

Sandra 12 yrs old.
1977


Posted on Dec 22, 2002, 11:48 PM

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Sandra

by

Thank you for sharing this Sandra. I can tell how much it hurts in your heart to not know what happened to Amy. I hope that she can feel the love you have for her.

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on Dec 23, 2002, 7:52 AM

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terrie.....trigger

by sandra

I know where Amy is...she is with God she was taken from me...away of me......she was stolen...was grab out of tummy and...taken aweay.....cus am bad an dont deserve be happy....she was alive they kill her....s

Posted on Dec 25, 2002, 12:43 AM

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:(

by YesterdaysChild

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sandra}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Posted on Dec 25, 2002, 2:10 AM

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Sandra

by

I know it is hard for you hon. Maybe she can see you from heaven and know how much you love her. You are not bad because of this or because of anything hon. And it is not your fault that they killed her. You are a good person Sandra, with a good heart. Please know that I love you.

Safe hugs if you want them,
Terrie

Posted on Dec 25, 2002, 8:42 AM

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to lisa

by anon

u can check the message source 2 find out it werent not me who posted 2 ya bout there bein hope an so u can no i aint playin no trick on ya.........Jamie-lee

Posted on Dec 20, 2002, 7:28 PM

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jaime-lee

by lisa

i have no intention of doing it...i wont chek it out.
i just dot get wat is haping to yu.
yu are nice then yur not, ten yu are ....yu connfuse me.
...

hope yur doing wll

lisa

Posted on Dec 21, 2002, 11:00 PM

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lisa.............

by Jamie-lee

k thats kool an u dont gotta do it.....an dont feel alone bout not gettin whats happenin 2 me cause me niether an i confuse me more then i confuse every 1 else... i wont neva confuse ya no more k lisa an will say am real sorry 4 confusin ya an not bein nice 2 ya an will leave now....am real sorry i couldnt be a better friend 2 ya....i did just tell terrie i wont neva post no more an promise i wont no more after this 1.. had 2 just tell u am real sorry 4 everythin k lisa... an i hope yr doin well 2 an good luck 4 everythin.....bye lisa..bye terrie an bye any 1 else whos interested..... from Jamie-lee....

Posted on Dec 22, 2002, 2:26 AM

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jaime-lee. hope u see this

by lisa

yu dont hav to go.it is why frinds ar mad to help eech oter.
i not judging u..i care an i no yu erting lots.yu dont let us halp...<
evri time it is hard yu run awai an say yur leaving..
yur confuse about yurself...yu tell yur T about this? or yur adult wo lookin aftr yu?mayb e she can hellp.
i talk to terrie or my bigs...
i will miss u if yu go.....keep safe jaime -lee...yur a good frind yu just dont kno it..and dont no alwai how to act.

lisa

Posted on Dec 22, 2002, 2:25 PM

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HARD TO SAY

by

this is just a story about what happened to me as a child abuse victim

i was a young 7 yrs old when my mum moved us children to sydney with her boyfriend(ex very much now)we lived in a 1 bedroom flat where my brother and myself were sleeping on the floor( yes they had the bed). i am not sure how long we were there before the abuse started. the real abused started the night when we went out for dinner in a pub. i don't remember much about that particular night except that my brothers' penis got cut i remember going back to the flat and somehow the police and the ambulance were called. the ambulance took my brother and my self to the hospital while the police took my mum and the ex boyfriend to the police station. we arrived at the hospital on a bed and the nurses were getting ready to take my brother to the ward.(there wasn't anything wrong with me except that i had welts on my left leg from the hip region to the ankle bruises over lapping themselves) they couldn't see anything wrong with me so they were going to send me away but then i must have turned around and they saw the welts on my leg( they r similar to ordinary bruises except that u get them from an open hand smacks constantly and they r reddish color)they then kept my brother and i together. we stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks ( my brother had to have an operation to fix his penis. i was scared as i didn't know whether my brother was coming back or not.) a social worker came and saw us to let us know that we were not allowed to go home with our mum. the police brought our mum to see us once while we were there. (later we found out that she and ex boyfriend was charged with i am not sure to this day)the social worker had to find us a temperary place for us to stay while court proceedings started. that placement only lasted for 5 mths as the courts deemed my mum unfit.

we then was awarded guardianship to (facs) family and community services(which now is department of community services).burnside was our main carer but with facs as our guardian though we were state or ward(which i just recently found out)we still had to go to court to find out for how long we were to be put into care. my brother had to testify at my mums and her ex's trial. after all that( that i am aware about)my mum got 2 mths stint in jail. the ex had his parents put up his bail as he was getting hurt in jail. we were not allowed to go home till we were 16 yrs old legally.

well things only got worse from there. we were in a group home for 3 1/2 yrs before they found us a foster placement. things were good for a short period before things for m got bad(not my brother till i moved) when ever i did things wrong i would be punished by going to bed with out any dinner then when the dad(foster) got home he would pull me out of bed by my hair(physically) i believe that lasted for a while before i began to say something. i was then moved to another group home for nine mths before i was fostered out again. again this only lasted for a short while and i was then placed in another group home for a very short while before they moved me to an organisation called sisters of mercy. that only lasted for 4 mths as they shut down due to a lack of funds. i was then again placed in another group home for a short while while another group home was getting set up/running.
this was my last group home i was there for 3 yrs before i decided to go home to my mum at the age of 17 1/2 yrs old. through out this my mum had contact with us when it was suitable for her. i just wanted to know what a family is all about but that was my biggest mistake as my mum and i never got along( we still don't to this day) i have never forgiven her for what she done. she doesn't want to talk about it so how can i move on? well i couldn't and i still can't.
after what i had been through i decided if i had children they would be treated differently. i was going to do something hard by breaking the cycle.
i have now since had my own child and it didn't start out well. it was harder then i thought to break the cycle. i shook my son 1 which scared me enough to dob my self in to D.O.C.S as i knew that i didn't want things to be the same.

believe me it is so much harder to break the cycle then to give in and abuse ur child.

i am still to this day a very angry person because my past has made a path to my future that i don't want to follow. i have chosen my own path that i want for my son and myself with no support from my family nor his dad or his family. i have just recently found out that i have a personality trait which my past has dictated cause i don't know any better at able to handle life. i can function normally like other people i just need self confidence and self esteem etc etc

don't get me wrong i am a happy person its just i have had a crap life and it can only get better from here.

Posted on Dec 17, 2002, 8:50 PM

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Hi Tanya

by

I'm so sorry you went through all that. I'm glad you are reaching out for help though, so as to try to not continue the cycle...cuz you are right, it is very hard to break the cycle! Your healing is independent of your mother though....you can heal no matter what your mother does to support/not support you. Keep on striving to share your experiences and your feelings, and to actively pay attention to your actions so that you can continue to break the cycle. I'm here if you need to talk, ok?

Terrie

Posted on Dec 17, 2002, 11:20 PM

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no want notinggg....

by no name no life

want to sleep for evr...if i kan i do it now.....
i not see y i go on...no reesin....noooooo....
noting make sense.....i cannot do nothing rite..
i so lonli an so feelin bd insidd....
i can no hav frinds ..i can o mak frinds...
i feel bdbdbdbdbd
lisa

Posted on Nov 29, 2002, 10:57 PM

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{{{{{{{{{lisa}}}}}}}}}}}

by

Lisa,
You matter so much to me. I treasure your friendship. I am so sorry that you are feeling so lonely, cuz I know how awful that feels. But that certainly does not mean that you can't do anything right, cuz you most certainly can. I love you lisa.

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 29, 2002, 11:14 PM

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for lisa

by dawni

we're sorry you're so sad lisa we know how lonely can feel and it's not fun at all!! but we think you're a very nice person, and that you don't deserve to hurt like this, and that one day the hurt will go away, even just a little, so we hope you can hang on until that day even though we know how hard that is

and we think you can have friends, we think you'd make a wonderful friend,a nd if other people can't see that then it's their loss because they're really missing out on something good!!!

love
dawni & some of the littles in tonight's sky

Posted on Dec 1, 2002, 2:11 AM

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tanx

by lisa

for saiing all tose nise things about me...

i hopin to be gud...an i try to be stron an do all rite things,,,,i not easy....

i hopin one dai sun is betr....is so hard dawi...





lisa

Posted on Dec 1, 2002, 11:17 PM

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there is hope

by Anonymous

please don't give up. I've been through a lot too but there is hope in Jesus. Don't let what happen to you in the past destroy your future. You have breath so you go on. The worst thing for you to do is to give up. If you give up your abuser will have won. God loves you, talk to Him and he will be the best friend you will ever need.

God Bless

Posted on Dec 17, 2002, 1:51 PM

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wo ar you anoonamous?

by lisa

is yu jaime ..yu playing a trick on me?

Posted on Dec 17, 2002, 10:26 PM

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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

by

JAMIE-LEE..........

Posted on Dec 20, 2002, 2:26 AM

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lisa

by

I'm not sure who posted that message to you, but I do know it's not Jamie-lee, cuz Jamie-lee has her own style of writing and the anonymous writer's style does not match. I'm here if you need totalk.

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on Dec 21, 2002, 12:51 AM

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I try

by lisa

to not give up....i try hard....but is difficult...
lisa

Posted on Dec 21, 2002, 10:57 PM

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I should be put down

by Tasha

I am soooo evil and bad....it's all my fault......I done real evil thing......

Posted on Nov 23, 2002, 7:03 AM

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Tasha...

by

That's just not true! You are a good person Tasha....

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 23, 2002, 10:41 AM

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hi tasha,

by dawni

well i don't know if this is really late or not, because i have been away but i just wanted to say that although i don't know what you did -- doing something bad does not necessarily make you bad, if that makes sense

hope this helps

Posted on Nov 28, 2002, 8:15 PM

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{{{{{{Dawni}}}}}}

by tasha

Hi there...nice to see you back again

Posted on Dec 3, 2002, 5:16 PM

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dont mater.....

by noname

feel like geting in a hole.....where no one see me....and be free of the looks....and remarks and comments......
just one day.....let me hide....one dayyyy


Posted on Nov 18, 2002, 10:28 PM

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So sorry

by

I'm so sorry that you get looks and remarks and comments....I know that must be hard. I'm here for you.

Terrie

Posted on Nov 22, 2002, 7:28 AM

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i go hidin.....

by llisa.no name

is proven i can not make real frinds.....even thos who dont see me.....
i care for peepl more then they care.....make me belilve we frind then i fin out we not....i get skard for them......and fine out she not ever do what she say......
she hurt me......but it mean nothing.....
I have no friends......and waant no friends...

it dont mater Terrie...noting do ok....
nothink matr..........i dont care....for nothing...i dont care for anyone......for where i go.....if i live or now.....it make no differnence.....

:(lisa

Posted on Nov 25, 2002, 11:00 PM

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Hi sweetie

by

I know it's hard for you sweetie. And I'm so so sorry you got hurt again. You sure don't deserve that! I want you to know, sweetie, that you do still have a friend in me....a REAL friend. We can write and talk on the phone, and someday we can even meet in person. I love you so very much, lisa. You matter to me.

Love and safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 26, 2002, 7:15 AM

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can someone please help me understand

by Anonymous

can someone please tell me what actually constitutes r*pe? i dont think what is happening is right but i dont know what to do or if there is anything i can do? should i tell someone? should i go to the authorities?
sorry if this is the wrong place to put this

Posted on Nov 15, 2002, 12:11 AM

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mmmmmmm

by YesterdaysChild

in the uk, the proper definition of r*p* is unconsented penetration, but it can also include forced or*l s*x here. Having said that, any type of unconsented/forced s*xu*l act has grounds for prosecution(sp)

{{{{{{{{{{safe hugs}}}}}}}}}}

Posted on Nov 15, 2002, 7:58 AM

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help

by Anonymous

what should i do? how can i get away from them? I live in the same house as them. who can i turn to and who will believe me

Posted on Nov 17, 2002, 5:09 AM

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hi

by annonamous

theres a place on the net that can help 2 get ya in a safe place an the addy is http://www.angelsinnight.org/ an i reckon they WILL believe ya...am hopen some 1 does help ya real soon...

Posted on Nov 17, 2002, 8:47 PM

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Hi there

by

R*pe, legally, is any kind of unconsentual physical penetration into any part of your body using any part of ther other person's body or any object that they are holding (though there are a few exceptions when done to help, such as taking a child's temperature when the child appears ill. There is also emotional r*pe, which casuses consierable emotional damage, but is not legally defined as r*pe, though it is legally a form of s*xual ab*se. As for trying to get away....first of all, I believe you. If you are under the age of 18, the Department of Human Services or Children's Protective Services can help. If you are an adult, you might want to check into the local women's abuse shelters. The one I worked at included any person in the household in their definition of domestic v*olence. Hope this helps, and feel free to e-mail me or write here again if you need to talk.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 18, 2002, 9:30 PM

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:(

by shadow

Does the pain ever stop? It hurts so much. Because of him. He got rid of my babies. And the one that he didnt know about till too late, he made sure she was gone too. I want them back. I wish I had died instead of them. Its too late now.

Posted on Nov 11, 2002, 4:31 AM

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Hi Shadow

by

I'm so sorry about the loss of your babies. I know that must hurt so much! The pain does ease, over time, and some of it may take work. There will probably not come a day when you do not wish your children were alive and well, but you will get to a place where the empty hole in your heart does not feel so huge and raw. I'm here for you....

Terrie

Posted on Nov 12, 2002, 6:28 PM

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no tak

by lisa

is be beter....safer........no pain tenn...no pain.....i hate painn...hate evwinting
l;isa

Posted on Nov 2, 2002, 9:21 PM

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Hi sweetie

by

I'm glad it is some better. I hate pain too, so I understand. I hope you know that I love you very much.

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 3, 2002, 1:08 AM

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lov yu too.....

by lisa

pain not gone he is...hopin is for lont time lisa

Posted on Nov 3, 2002, 1:10 PM

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Hi precious

by

I hope he is gone for a long time too. And I know it takes time for the pain to go away, and I wish so much that I could make it go away faster, but what I can do is continue to love you and be here for you as you work through it, ok?

Love you lots,
Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Nov 5, 2002, 7:32 AM

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kkkk

by lisa

tanx tteri for u help....tanx ...i hid fink is beter


Posted on Nov 7, 2002, 10:15 PM

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iz not same...

by lisa

i not want to go bak evr....i no want see juges..or see him again.....noooooooooooooooooooooooNONONONNOOOOO

is no fair no fairrrrr terrie ....teel her is no fair....not want to do it..nooooo NONONONNONNOOOOO
theterpis sai is be betr ino tink sooo.....plees... noooooooooooooooooooooooo

Posted on Oct 27, 2002, 8:06 PM

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Hi sweetie

by

I know it's not fair sweetie. It's ok to let Paule take care of going to the court and seeing him and the judges...you can stay safe inside, and the people there will make sure he doesn't hurt any of you. This is going to be an important part of makign sure he stays locked up for a long time, sweetie, so that you can stay safe. I know you want to be safe...even though you don't want to go through this. Just keep yourself safe on the inside, and remember that I am right there with you in your heart, ok? I love you very much...

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Oct 27, 2002, 11:12 PM

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bad time

by tonight's sky

we are ahving a bad tiem dawni swaled some pine o cleen tonight to but nto enuf to caucs problems i guess but is real hard latelys
srory

Posted on Oct 22, 2002, 9:39 AM

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:(

by YesterdaysChild

wes sorry things is not so good for you.
{{{{{{{{safe hugs}}}}}}}}}}}
a little angel to watch over you.xx

Posted on Oct 22, 2002, 5:17 PM

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{{{{{Tonight's Sky}}}}}

by

I'm so sorry to hear that y'all are not doing well, ad I hope you all feel better soon. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Oct 22, 2002, 11:51 PM

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a bit about me - *may be T*

by shadow

I feel like its not fair. Why did my mum have to go and die when i was 5? After that my f*ther changed. He made me his little lady. He would touch me then it moved on to r*pe. Then he married again and she was horrible - she hated me. She would bash me. They never hurt my brothers - why didnt they like me?
Sorry -thats enough for now

Posted on Oct 21, 2002, 12:52 AM

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:(

by tonight's sky

we're sorry your father changed after your mum went away we don't know why he and your stepmother didn't like you -- but we're sure its not because you were bad, or anything like that

love,
tonight's sky

Posted on Oct 21, 2002, 4:13 AM

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Hi Shadow

by

You are right, it is very unfair. Unfortunately, knowing that doesn't change anything. I obviously can't explain why any of that happened, but I do know that it was not your fault...none of it was. You did not deserve to be r*ped or bashed or hurt in any way, and I'm so so sorry it happened to you.

Thinking of you,

Terrie

Posted on Oct 21, 2002, 10:28 PM

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terrie

by YesterdaysChild

wes sooooo scred

Posted on Oct 19, 2002, 5:29 PM

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Hi sweeties

by

I'm right here for you, ok?

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on Oct 21, 2002, 10:24 PM

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just...................

by Cinders21


WHAT'S THE POINT

Posted on Oct 12, 2002, 12:59 PM

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Hugs...

by

Hope you feel better. Love you.

Terrie

Posted on Oct 17, 2002, 7:25 AM

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So hard

by Cinders21

whys it all so hard....everything goes back to them, past ,present and future....hate the past....don't like living in the present and don't see no future, just the past playing peek-a-boo all the time.they paid to mess me up now i's paid to be messed up....where'd 'my' life go to......no dreams,no plans,just constant echoes of the past slapping me in the face......no-one can take all the hurts away from me...and i dunno how to give em up....theys me......my life.....no pain,no hurts=no me....like i know who i am right!!!!!!!

Posted on Oct 10, 2002, 7:27 AM

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Cinders...

by

As you heal, the past can take a back burner. Although it will always be there, there will come a day when it is not constantly slapping you in the face, and when you can have a good, happy life, like you deserve.

I'm here for you,
Terrie

Posted on Oct 10, 2002, 5:48 PM

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Regarding recent discussions

by Jackie

I have returned entirely at Jamie-lee's request, after a dear friend of Jamie-lee's informed me that there was a submission here of which i should read. I take it this person was referring to "dawni & tonight's Sky", and in response to that person/s, I thank you for your kind words, advice and support.

I agree with you, in that not everything on the internet is "bad", however to be bluntly honest with you i find this site to be quite a negative tool for "Jamie-lee", for certain things she has read here have often caused her to relapse, and i will do everything in my power to protect her from further heartache. I would like to make it known that i have no problem at all with Jamie-lee communicating over the internet via e-mail, and chat with "her friends", i merely feel the internet on a whole is hindering her healing. I do not have the power, nor the right to ban her from communicating, and having fun with her friends, nor would i dream of doing so. Therefore, those of whom Jamie-lee has chosen to call her friends and exchanged e-mail addresses with are more than welcome to contact her.

For those who view the way i chose to handle the situation with Jamie-lee as wrong, i suggest that you let it go, and cease allowing something that really does not concern, or directly effect you continue to get you down. Please do try to move on, and concentrate on your own healing.

I have tried to explain myself long enough (not that i was obligated to do so), i chose to stick with this as i felt it was important to attempt to relieve the tension that had resulted following my submission to my foster daughter. However i am aware of a certain few of whom i sincerely doubt will drop this. I, on the other hand do not have the desire, nor the patience to waste anymore of my time on people whom have been quite rude, and seem to enjoy questioning my abilities as Jamie-lee's foster parent.

I do sincerely thank those of you who have respected my position, those who chose to offer advice, and even those who chose to share their opinions in a polite, and respectful way.

Kindest Regards,

Jackie (with Jamie-lee's consent, I might add)


Posted on Oct 10, 2002, 6:12 AM

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Jackie

by

Thanks for your input. I happen to think you are doing a wonderful job with Jamie-lee, and I happen to know that she thinks a lot of you, even if she doesn't always show it. And she definately deserves to be safe and loved, which she is fortunate to have through you. Thanks for being there for her.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Oct 10, 2002, 5:45 PM

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hi jackie,

by tonight's sky

well, we're not real sure if you'll see this or not, but wanted to put it in case you do -- so that you know that we didn't read it and just go "yeah whatever" or anything.

we're glad that you're not taking the intneret totally away from jamie lee and totally understand your reasons for not wanting her to come here anymore. maybe when she is a little further along in her recovery it will be safer for her to come here, but we are glad that in the meantime you are helping her to do the thing that is best for her -- to not come here. if someone like you had stepped in like that for us a few years ago on a situation we were in, then things would be a lot better for us now. so we are very very glad that jamie lee has you in her life to help her do that, and that you will still let her email to her friends.

ps and we think you are a great foster mum to jamie lee

love, dawni & tonight's sky

oh and ps again, thank you for not bein mad at us for sticking our noses in

Posted on Oct 11, 2002, 6:27 AM

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joanne

by watcher

I, for one, think that you're doing a good thing trying to help out at a forum and donating your time. I wish I had someone who gave a damn like you seem to. If my therapist had said half of what you did on these boards maybe we could have salvaged our relationship before I left her. It didn't happen and I regret it.

don't let a few people challenge your therapist skills. You seem to have it well-in-hand.

watcher

Posted on Oct 9, 2002, 7:30 PM

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Jackie

by Ana

i, for one, think that you're doing a good thing with Jamie-Lee. i wish we'd had someone who gave a damn like you seem to. if my mom had said half of what you did on these boards, maybe we could have salvaged our relationship before she died. it didn't happen, and we regret it.

don't let a few oddballs challenge your parenting. you seem to have it well-in-hand.

Ana

Posted on Oct 9, 2002, 11:28 AM

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Whoa now

by Beachcomber

We are all entitled to our opinions. Some of us are capable of making mistakes or running off at the mouth before we have all the facts. Thank god I don't have to be perfect anymore. It was damn near killin' my spirit.
And know what? Calling someone an "oddball", especially in a forum with the topic this one has is, is, well... just not polite.
Am I an "odd ball"? Damn straight! I been fighting that "oddball" image seems like all my life. Now I'm trying to find ways to live with my differences. I'm learning that being an "odd ball" isn't so awful and some days I relish it now.
I am glad you have found some connection to Jackie. I am also terribly sorry that you didn't get to have the relationship with your mom that you had wanted. That saddens me. My mom and I have no relationship to speak of but she is still living.
For the record, I suspect that she is nice as well and she has meant well here I'm sure. I was not actually challenging her parenting. I feel I have to point that out. I do wish there were more caring ones like her around for todays youth.
You take care till next time.



Posted on Oct 9, 2002, 4:30 PM

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okay

by Ana

i never said i was polite. i'm also an oddball. i'm part of a multi system and certainly a survivor. i also have my very own opinions.

i'd like to think that jackie was understanding what i was saying.

Ana

Posted on Oct 9, 2002, 6:32 PM

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ps

by Ana

just letting you know, i wasn't referring to you.

Posted on Oct 9, 2002, 6:33 PM

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Re: Jackie

by Jackie

I am very sorry that your mother failed to provide you with the love, and support you deserved, i can't imagine how heartbreaking that must be.

I thank you for your words of encouragement, for they are much appreciated.

Sincerely,

Jackie



Posted on Oct 9, 2002, 6:17 PM

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A bit bout me **Trigger**

by Cinders21

Its kinda hard trying to make sense of everything and say all that has happen.....but i wrote this to my ex mom some years back when i was in a safe house for women.....kinda says alot.....every time i read it i have so many mixed emtions.....part of me desperately want a mom....knowing I way too old now to have what i need. Now I'm just a jumbled mess of people,mess of sexuality,mess of emtions.A single mom with two wonderful kids (who trigger me constantly, but i am so aware and try not to reflect it back to them)Sorry its a bit long.

There is no 'Dear'at the beginning of this letter because you are a 'non-person' in my life.That was a choice made by 'you, not me. A choice made with your mind and emotions when i was small, and later with the physical existence. For me to exist inside your world would mean that you'd have to face up to the pain in your own life. Instead, like your mother, you passed the pain over to me, a family 'heirloom'. That's being destroyed now. I'm facing the pain, owning it for myself. I won't like you pass it on to the next generation. Like your motheryou refuse to face reality. You had, and still have a fantasy 'perfect' family set up, and i refused to be in that, so you refused me, as a person, not a daughter. I never was a daughter. I was a 'little wife' to the men in your life. My father, my brothers, and i was a mother to myself.I needed your love, your touch...doesn't every small child? but you were too wrapped up in your own pain, blinded to my vunerability. Did you think that because i was small, a child, that i had no feelings, that i couldn't be aroused sexually, that as i grew older i'd forget-NO! I don't believe you did, after all you still remember don't you!My vunerability was an opening for you to at last have 'control' over someone. I didn't need control, i needed 'protection'-something you never offered. I needed to ba a child, but was never allowed, never allowed to be innocent. The one time i cried for your protectio you betrayed me. You were the judge who sent an innocent child into a 'prison', and it was that, for a month. Instead of covering my nakedness,shame and humiliation with love, you revealed it with pride and hate.Pride in your precious 'family', hate ,of history staring at you. You called me a slag, a prostitute, i was the 'bad' person. Then you destroyed everything that was 'mine' that was importantin my little word.why? were you throwing me out somewhere in doing that? my books, games,dollsetc,gone.my bed!!!!where did you put my bed!!In with the 'boys' Surely even you must've been aware of how much worse that would make the situation. Well, at least i got 'put to bed'then!!!!!Something you never did. The only times you touched me was to hit me, you even sat there and watched your second husband beat me with a stick.Once again i cried out for your protection, again betrayal. I never asked for you again after that, yet still you would betray me. When someone else tried to protect me, you'd keep me inside. You couldn't bear to see your child cry into someones arms, neither, could you bear that child being in yours. I could write alot more, maybe one day i will. The last thing you said to me was'that you wish you never had me'. What you never had was my love. Unlike you, i can't withold my love from people who care about me, and now, without you, i'm free to give it to whoever i want. And now, for 10 minutesat night, i'm free to be a child, free to go to bed knowing i'm being protected, that i'm safe.But its not by you, where you should've helped me to grow as a child, the inside stranger now does it. All the years you smashed me up inside, are being carefully fixed together again. Not by long painful hours of trying to fix pieces together, forcing shapes to fit, but by something very simple and very gentle, by letting me be what you wouldn't, a child. It doesn't take long for a child to trust someone who really cares, and soon the child inside me will feel safe enough to grow a bit more.When i look back now, at you, i no longer see just you, i see other people too. At night i see the pain you caused, but i feel the protection of the stranger.
There wasn't a 'dear' at the beginning, but there is a 'from' at the end. No matter what you've placed in your fantasy world, i do exist, i am a person, TJ...not the name you chose for me, but also, I am not that same person now
from TJ+
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

even now with someone in prison....it still ain't real to her....i am still making it up....yet she caught them red handed.......
I went on in life getting into more abusive situations, from both male and female abusers......perhaps my 'others' will tell you about them when they feel safe enough. We plans on sticking around if thats oks.xxxx

Posted on Oct 8, 2002, 7:46 AM

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hi

by dawni

we just wanted to say hi. we read, but dunno what to say except we hope you do all stick around.
we'd like to get to know you all better.

love,
dawni & the rest of tonight's sky

Posted on Oct 8, 2002, 8:36 AM

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Bravo!

by

That was a very good and strong letter! Good for you! And thank you for sharing...

Terrie

Posted on Oct 9, 2002, 6:58 PM

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re:letter

by Cinders21

ty Terrie.......I'm going to bed now....honest.hehehehe
((((((((((safe huggles))))))))))

Posted on Oct 9, 2002, 9:08 PM

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wish

by tonight's sky

wish we could disappear for forever

nightmare the other night real real bad one wish we never have to go sleep or wake up ever again

Posted on Oct 7, 2002, 9:57 AM

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{{{{{{{tonight's sky}}}}}}}}}

by

So sorry you had such an awful nightmare. I know those can shake you up to the core. Please know that you are in my thoughts, and that I hope that a peaceful comfort will come back to you soon.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Oct 7, 2002, 3:04 PM

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