Memory Meadow (Moderated)

This is a safe place to talk about your memories. I've created a safe meadow where you can put the memories and let the gentle breeze quiet the pain. Many of the memories are difficult to talk about, and may be very difficult to read about, so please take gentle care of yourself.

how

by alex

how does anyone do this? how does anyone go on, day after day, trying to keep all the pieces together?

how does anyone really survive?

Posted on Jun 13, 2002, 11:21 PM

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Hi alex

by

Are you the alex that I know? Or a different one? Either way, I know it is hard sometimes to go on from day to day. Sometimes it is so hard that we have to take it one hour or even one minute at a time. Talking about things can help, though. It may or may not seem like it at the time, but in the long run it really can help. Knowing that you are not alone, and that someone out there cares and/or understands is a big help. Please feel free to write either here or in an e-mail to me, if you want to share.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on Jun 14, 2002, 7:29 AM

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yeah

by

i'm the alex you know.
lol
i'll email you, ok?

love,
alex

Posted on Jun 14, 2002, 11:11 AM

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It takes time

by Mary

It takes time and a lot of work. But, it can be done. As Terrie said, sometimes you just need to take it one minute at a time. But, feeling that you have purpose and worth (which you do!) on a daily basis can be accomplished. I am proof of that.

Posted on Jun 15, 2002, 8:52 AM

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er yu alex wtih a jonah???

by lisa

if ys hiiiiiii i miss yu an jonah....how is he ? miss yu
lisa

Posted on Jun 17, 2002, 12:49 AM

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i am

by

jonah is ok. sad a lot of the time, but still ok.

how are you?

Posted on Jun 18, 2002, 12:40 AM

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hii

by lisa

litls ar not doing so good...
am sory jonah is sad....tel him i say hi an i keep chokolate for him....kk....an our forest is waitng for us??
lisa

Posted on Jun 18, 2002, 10:39 PM

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mumyyangl

by karol

meehyd heer....kk.....
skar ak bad...n ert nat su mushhh n ....karol skarr mush....mee hydheer kk
awk ertd uz....hit.....n...stuff.....hyd eer...kk
karol

Posted on May 27, 2002, 11:39 PM

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Hi sweetie

by

Of course you can hide here sweetie. I'm so sorry y'all got hurt. I sure do love you so much. I'm holding you nice and safe.

Love and safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on May 28, 2002, 7:35 AM

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mummmeeeee

by karol

ol meeee badd pisurrrr pitsuuuurrr skaaaaaa olll meee akrol

Posted on Jun 2, 2002, 10:54 PM

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{{{{{{karol}}}}}}}

by

I'm holding you nice and safe sweetie. I'm here....I love you karol.

Holding you safely,
Terrie

Posted on Jun 3, 2002, 3:53 PM

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sumr eer.. ....:(

by karol

summr meen sortzzzz n pool n watr n karol ska mee hidd
cuz karol mebr fingz n iz b badd fingz n karol b bd

onlee fing gud iz pai bal

i skar lotzzz
karol

Posted on Jun 6, 2002, 2:12 PM

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Hi sweetie

by

I know that those bad things are scary for you sweetie, and that the water and the pool remind you of those bad things. It is not karol who is bad, though....it is the big people who made you do those things that are bad. I love you sweetie, and I love to play ball with you.

............O

Love and safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Jun 7, 2002, 5:41 PM

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mummee

by karol

iz iz warmr tu daiii
mkarolbd bewee bd iz y de modr put karol in watd......

----------------------------
--_____---_-_--_- 0

Posted on Jun 9, 2002, 1:13 AM

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hi sweetie

by

Hi sweetie. The warm did not make karol bad, and karol is not bad, and I'm so sorry that the mommy put karol in the water, but it was not your fault...not at all. I love you sweetie.

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Jun 9, 2002, 8:46 PM

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mummeee

by karol

karol wan go tu u hous......noww peezzz saff u saf...karol tu tu tu skarrrr


Posted on Jun 9, 2002, 10:11 PM

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karol

by

Holding you nice and safe. {{{{{{{{{{karol}}}}}}}}} I love you so much.

Holding you safe,
Terrie

Posted on Jun 10, 2002, 8:05 PM

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mumee

by karol

karol notak karolsaked mushh karol sakrd..pweezz karolb gudpwomizz no git dity n bwush teet...n evin eet cawotz
pweez hous pweez skardd oll kawol muuumeee no lit go...
notak...hidedd...karol

Posted on Jun 11, 2002, 10:36 PM

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Hi sweetie

by

I'm right here sweetie, holding you nice and safe. I love you, and I think you are a good good girl, and I don't ever get mad if you get dirty or if you don't eat carrots. I love you no matter what sweetie.

Holding you safely, and not letting go,
Terrie

Posted on Jun 12, 2002, 9:04 PM

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totaly awesome....but some peeps might not like it so just warnin ya

by Jamie-lee

this is no memory an im happy realy but did not no were to put this like what board but did wanna put it some place cause i think its kool.
some might not think is kool but i do an i wanna say i do reckon im am intited to think its kool.
my step dad got hurt real bad after some other peeps in jail with him bashed him. . an i hope he gets bashed again an again an for ever. an i have herd that some guys in jail do the same kinda stuff he did to me so im am hoping they did do that 2 him 2 cause then he can no how bad it hurts an plus he hates guys who like guys so i realy hope they got him an they do again.i dont feel bad for any of my feelings an i hope he is hurtin lots an i dont care if any one thinks im bad for feelin that way cause he deserves it an i reckon God understand my thoughts so thats all.

Posted on May 14, 2002, 11:30 PM

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Hi Jamie-lee

by

You are not bad for feeling the way you feel. It is very common, in fact, to feel that way. And yes, I reckon God understands too. Hope you are well.

Love ya,
Terrie

Posted on May 15, 2002, 7:38 AM

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Jamie-Lee

by Mary

Do not feel bad for what you are feeling. I understand it completely. I'm also sure God understands also.

Peace,
Mary

Posted on May 17, 2002, 9:19 AM

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i tink yur ok tinking tat

by lisa

i tink same ting an i wish same would happin....to...well yu kno

yur no bad jaimee-lee
take care lisa

Posted on May 19, 2002, 5:30 PM

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Reposted from Brandon...abused for 5 years...triggering

by

I am very ashamed of this. I am a local Japanese male. 5'5" 149 lbs. I am now 27. When I was 18-23, I would be repeatedly raped and fondled by men in a particular beach shower room. I do not know who to turn to because I know this story sounds outrageous but I would be also be forced to participate in homosexual activities. One activity included fondling my chest, private parts, body, and kissing me, then the man would penetrate his private part into mine and rape me for up to two to four hours.. I am scared to file a police report for fear this will become common knowledge and I will be laughed at. One of the men was a repeat attacker.



Posted on May 8, 2002, 7:33 AM

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But....

by NP

....if you do not file the report you will continue to live in fear and shame AND, since it has been such a short time it is almost certain he is still abusing someone else. Your silence only guarantees HIS safety and your breaking of the silence could save others. Have you considered contacting some 3D help other than the police to help you look for a way to report with less trepidation? For instance local abuse shelters or therapists would know how to go about safely reporting. Two questions I wonder are, Do you know the name of the perp? And are you in therapy right now? Help sounds scarier than it really is, believe me. It is the best thing I ever did for myself.

NobodyPerfect

Posted on May 8, 2002, 9:42 AM

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hey Brandon

by Jamie-lee

i dunno what ya should do realy but just can say im am real sorry u was hurt an i hope ya never ever get hurt again. guess bein a guy an bein hurt by a guy must realy make it lots harder huh. But ya no some thing what happened to u dont sound outragous at all. Its a real sick world with lotsa real sick peeps huh. hope things go ok for ya an u can decide what to do with out it hurtin ya a whole lot.

from Jamie-lee

Posted on May 8, 2002, 10:52 PM

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counselling

by Jamie-lee

SUX nothing else it just SUX
had to see her again today an talk about heaps of stuff that was just only crap. but like shes going on an on about some thing an i did not hear her any thing she did say or any thing i cant remember it an she did say to me r u listening an i thought huh what r u on about. im dumb i admit that but when i do see her i dont get it i cant think right or listen good enough an she asks me something an i try to talk but it wont come out an its there i can see it in my head but i cant say it in words. then i leave an i feel like just horrible. some time i feel like he is with me like its like when he was there ani can hear his voice an feel him an smell him like when i did stuff with him an i cant stop it but i cant say that to her an i want it to stop. i no it will get beter an i no i have to make it get beter but i just am feelin not good today.

Posted on May 5, 2002, 11:05 PM

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*gentle sparklies and rainbows if you'd like them*

by dawni

Hi Jamie-Lee
I'm sorry you're going through a rough time patch now. I don't think you're dumb - not at all. And I know what it's like when you have something to say but it just won't let itself be said. I guess probably most of us at these here boards know that feeling only too well.

It's good that you know it will get better and I hope you'll be able to hold onto that because some days it's hard to remember that, and those days are the ones when the world risks losing something precious - you.

It's okay to have a bad day, Jamie-Lee. I think maybe I'd be really worried if you didn't have them sometimes, in fact. Bad days help us to see the sunshine when things get better (it's like the rain - plants wouldn't grow if it didn't rain at least sometimes). You've had some very bad things happen.. it takes time and more than a couple of "bad days" where you just acknowledge that you don't feel so crash hot and do your best to deal with those feelings, to get over those bad things that happened.

And if it helps any.. I'm having a bit of a bad day too. ((Though for completely different reasons - ..stupid computer with issues sigh - I want my PSP and my fonts back!))

Posted on May 6, 2002, 1:50 AM

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yes plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

by Jamie-lee

i would like the sparklies an rainbows. am not truly sure what sparklies are but they do sound kool but rainbows are so pretty an my fav things. my daddy used to tell me that if we did follow them we will find a pot of gold at the end an i used to think that would be real kool to do but now i no every one says that an he was just joking. an when i was 7 my daddy painted a huge rainbow on my bedroom wall he was real clever an the best painter an he did paint heaps of hills an clouds lots of little animals an that huge rainbow. So thanks heaps for sayin that dawni cause it helped me remember some thing an some one so totally awesome. an thanks to for understanding about bad days an just for postin me to. An yep it did help to no u was having a bit of a bad day to well not that i like that but just that i no i aint the only one. an i spose ithink now that the bad days make things easy to get used to like u get strong from em. like today i thinks a good day an i was expelled from school today but u know what when that did happen i said ok an did not get angry cause what i did did deserve it but ussualy i would still get angry even when i do deseve a punishment. Where did ya PSP an fonts go to ? i do no what fonts are but am not sure of what PSP is an can i help u get em back or is it a real hard problem that needs some one using to puter.
from Jamie-lee

Posted on May 6, 2002, 10:06 PM

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*smile*

by dawni

I'm glad that I helped you to remember some really good times in your life. Sparklies are sort of like magic glitter.. I guess they're a pretend thing, in a way, because glitter doesn't really dance around you the way sparklies do.. or maybe it does, and most people just don't notice it. :)

Yikes, expelled? I hope that you can go to a different school soon, instead. I would probably be angry about being expelled even if I did do soemthing that deserved it..

To answer your question, PSP is a paint program I use. It is actually called Paint Shop Pro, but nearly everyone shortens it to PSP.. :)
I lost it and all my fonts (along with a whole bunch of other things) when we had to do a reinstall. Thankfully we kept most of the things on a seperate drive, but the computer wasn't letting us access them for awhile. It finally did the other day but the fonts had disappeared, and the CD with PSP on it was missing in action as well.

But.. the good news is.. I went on a font search today and found a whole bunch of new fonts that I downloaded *grin* and I also had another look around the house for the PSP CD.. and dundadah! I found it! So I'm a very happy dawni today because I have my PSP and I have a bunch of fonts. First thing I did this morning was make a new graphic.. *grin*

Love, dawni

Posted on May 7, 2002, 12:42 AM

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:o)

by Jamie-lee

Yup i new sparklies were kool hehe glitter is pretty 2 an if ya throw it up in the air it does kinda dance round ya as its is falling to the ground. i am real glad ya found some new fonts an did download them an that u found ya CD for PSP. its a pain when u lose some thing an try to find it but its kool when u do. ever noticed how u can be lookin for some thing u lost an u look in all places an then u go back an find it in a exact same place u no u already did look. kinda freaky whan that happens.
i was suspended 3 times b4 i moved to this foster mums house an i was already in a school for kids who aint good at being good or doing there work an this was my last chance but my foster mum says my case worker was talkin to her about some out reach thing that i might go to til next yr an then go to some other school. no what she wernt even mad at me but then she werent any thing an thats is a bit strange she just did say ok we will see what happens at the metting shes gotta have about me. my real mum would have an will when she finds out go totally nuts but thats kool im used to it i just dont no why my foster mum aint mad with me an i spose im not used to that. I aint complaning tho just a bit suspectous thats all.
Well i beter go. hope ya have a happy night an day
luv from Jamie-lee

Posted on May 7, 2002, 5:38 AM

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Jamie-lee

by

Yes, therapy is very hard. It is hard to talk about stuff, and it is hard to listen. All our thoughts and feelings might be swirling around inside, not making total sense. We may clam up. We may block out. All of these are defense mechanisms. As we are ready, we can allow more of the bad to come out, and more of the good to come in. It takes time. Be patient with yourself, and be gentle with yourself. You're on your way....

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on May 6, 2002, 10:16 AM

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thanks

by Jamie-lee

thanks Terrie just for understanding. means heaps 2 me

love ya
from Jamie-lee

Posted on May 6, 2002, 10:08 PM

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Almost was in tears

by

I took the kids down to the park yesterday. We were sitting by this stream watching one of the boy's mechanical boats and my two girls were sitting by me and I felt my tears start to well up.

I remembered the times that my dad and I would go for a picnic on some property by our house. It was a huge field (old farm land) and then there was this stream that ran through it. And like streams, there was a cover of trees. We use to walk up to the store, get some wafer cookies and pop and some other things and sit by this stream for hours. Then we use to walk through this old corn field looking for arrowheads. We never found any. I think my dad made that story up.

I wanted so much to run to my dad's house and drag him down to this park and say, "LOOK! Look what I found!"

How I wish I had more wonderful memories like that from my childhood. There I was with my daughters, repeating how my father spent time with me. I have absolutely no memories like that with my mother. None.

Thank you, dad, for giving me some freedom in my childhood.

Posted on May 3, 2002, 3:43 PM

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Bittersweet

by NP

But I'm gald you have those times to think about. It sounds like it was really nice.

{{{{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}}}}

Posted on May 3, 2002, 5:05 PM

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Thank you for sharing

by

That sounds like wonderful memories for you. I wish you had more of them, but am so glad you have the ones you have, and so glad you can give your own children similar ones to carry with them.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on May 3, 2002, 6:05 PM

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wow

by Hope

that is beautiful
my mom made my life miserable also
but so did my dad in a cunning way

but, guess what? I LOVE streams so much also!
I wish I could fish...i've tried, but i never catch anything

Next month, we get to spend time with one of our beloved daughters and boy do we know how special, spending precious time with them is...they do grow up and have their own little worlds at some point

an old girlfriend's adopted mother was in a bad car accident and i was there with her when she was home from the hospital and the other kids didn't come and it made my girlfriend angry
this mom said to her..."You don't have the right to expect anything from your children" or something like that and it's true...you give to your kids, but don't expect things in return...they have to find their own ways
i'm glad you have them....it makes life more special and when they do give to you, in some little way, like a squeeze on your hand, that's the return you get...treasure it if you can

Hope

Posted on May 6, 2002, 9:24 AM

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Standing my ground

by NP

It's a tough spot to be in, but I feel that if I don't stand up to the a parents I will loose anything that is left of myself, not to mention self-respect. Manipulative, they have always wanted to control every move and thought. It is hard to stay firm.

The rumour now is that I am cold and heartless for not going to take care of them during their recovery. I have not called. But I don't understand why they are allowed to ignore my injuries and suffering in the past and why I must fly to the Queen Diva of Drama to comfort her now. She seems to think money entitles her that.

Not at the expense of my soul, Mother. So here's the last question. If you didn't want to know then and you couldn't comfort me for whatever your crazy half-assed reasoning was, why can't you find it in your heart now? I don't see how you can say you cared.

I searched my heart for compassion and can honestly say I felt nothing. There is no love, no caring, no connection. Just mountains of guilt and I hate her for that. No one has the right to use a person like that and try to force them into their own personal robot.

Nobody

Posted on May 1, 2002, 7:19 AM

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NP

by

I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself. You are not responsible for your mother's health or happiness, nor that of the rest of the family. You are responsible for you.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on May 6, 2002, 10:18 AM

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embarrassed

by michelle B

I finally got the nerve to look up this subject matter. I couldn't bring myself to think about the fact that I was sexually abused my whole entire childhood by my uncle. I was so embarrassed as a child, I would not say anything. Now as an adult I am that more embarrassed and ashamed because I didn't do anything to stop it. I used to fantasize about his death. Praying over and over that he would die so I wouldn't have to go through it all. I can not function in life. I don't have any memory of my childhood except for what happened to me. I can't even remember one single teachers name. I have flashbacks but I always try to block it out and not think about it. Right now is the first time I have thought about it without shutting it out of my mind. I am feeling sick, disgusted, panicky,anxious, and a bit overwhelmed. I am scared my husband is going to walk in and see me on this website. I need help to end this nightmare but am too ashamed to talk to anyone. If I was to go to a psychiatrist then I would have to tell my husband and I don't think I can do that. He would want detail and I can not bare to talk about it. HELP

Posted on May 1, 2002, 1:22 AM

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Hi michelle B

by

What you are feeling is very common among survivors. It is very hard to talk about, especially at first. And the embarrassment, shame, anxiety, and disgust can be very overwhelming at first. I want to let you know that you are not to blame. There are thousands of children who are abused and don't do anything to try to stop it. They are scared. Perhaps they have been threatened, but even if they have not, the threat is still implied. Something even worse might happen if they fight back, or if they tell. They are not to blame, for they are protecting themselves in the best way they know how...and you did too. Please know that you are not alone, and you are now among people who have been there and who understand. You are welcome to talk as much or as litte as you want/need to here. Healing is possible, and you've have taken a very brave first step. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve to heal.

Peace,
Terrie

Posted on May 1, 2002, 8:53 PM

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remembering make believe

by don't know who

we're a brave princess
living in a horrible home
being threatened
to be sold to the gypsies
or thrown out on the street
or even worse
sent to a foster home
where the boys in the home
would be ten times worse

so we live in a little cottage
way up in the mountains
no one cares we're there
we plant gardens
chase butterflies
paint and draw
colors from around us

once in a while we go into town
to bring our pictures and gardens
no one pays attention to us
but they buy up everything
and we disappear
in a flash
leaving them all in awe

we only buy the things we need
quickly and quietly
always smiling at people
a secret smile
that puts hope in their hearts
and then they forget where they found it
and that's fine with us

the extra money we give secretly
to the women in the streets
with burdens
far too much for them to carry alone
without a smile
and a piece of gold
or to a child, crying
because he was us

back we would go
hide and pray
no one ever finds us
and that made for
the happiest of days
being a princess
with a garden as our court
and a little white cottage
and butterflies to chase

we never went home again
and that made us a "we"

hopey and suzie...

Posted on Apr 30, 2002, 6:27 PM

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Wow...

by

It's ironic, isn't it, that I just wrote to suzie princess and THEN I came here and saw this. Hmmmmm....

Anyway, you make a lovely princess, and I feel honored to know you.

Love and safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 30, 2002, 7:55 PM

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I don't want to go on like this anymore.

by Tam

I am tired of people hurting me. I am sick of my life staying screwed up. I have been looking for someone to care & everyone runs from me. Something is wrong with me & I'm just worthless. I hate this pain. It's just too hard for me to deal with. I don't want to go on like this anymore. I want the pain to leave forever. I am no good to anyone anyway. Sorry I haven't been on but, I'm too depressed right now. I just wish the pain would go away. This past issue not only ripped my childhood away but, he has ripped my whole life away. What I let happen is horrible. I should have done something. I guess, I was too stupid to say anything. I had to let it happen over & over until I turned into this screwed up mess that nobody can love. I hate pain!!!!!!! I am tired of hurting!!!!!! Very little sleep, nightmares when I do, flashbacks. This is all my life is made of. I have no life. Maybe this is all I deserve. But, I want peace once & for all.

Posted on Apr 28, 2002, 10:19 PM

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Hi Tam

by NP

You know I think you are going through a really tough time of healing, but there comes a time when you turn away from the grief and pain and begin to notice the rest of the world again. I learned I had to let go of the pain and embrace the good things in life to get past this. I don't really know where you are in the process, but you don't have to accept that this is all there is. When you first came here you talked about your councellor. You talked about how much it helped to be able to talk it out and at that point you seemed much happier about things. I wonder if you ever found a therapist to take his place. I think you sound kinda stuck right now.

BTW, the past does not have to right the script for your present and future, but it can impact in a very negative way if you leave it undealt with. These forums are helpful for support of your 3D process, but we can't help you with the things you need to do to move on. Can you find a therapist? There are a lot of ways on the net to do the search.

http://www.findingstone.com/services/choosing.htm

I hope this url can help.

{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

NobodyPerfect

Posted on Apr 29, 2002, 7:19 AM

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{{{{{{Tam}}}}}}

by

I hear so much pain in your words, and I know you are feeling that pain, and that it hurts to the core. I can assure you, though, that you do not deserve it, and that it is not your fault. Perps have ways of keeping us from telling, and keeping us from fighting back successfully. We are not to blame for their manipulations that kept us locked into the abuse. They kept us scared...scared of what they were doing, and scared of what would happen if we told. We were trapped, and we each did the very best that we knew how to do to take care of ourselves in such awful circumstances. We deserve praise for surviving such horror!

I know it hurts, and I know the depression, the nightmares, the flashbacks, can all take such a toll on us. But healing is possible. A good therapist is essential. Medication can help too. And please remember...you are not alone. Even though many people cannot handle what you have been through, we are here together. Hang in there, and heal. You deserve to do so.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 29, 2002, 11:01 AM

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i dunno

by J-lee

am at me mums an its like 1am sunday an that means i have only like 14 hours to go b4 i get to go back to my foster mums an icant wait. Ya no i I wish she could hjust adopt me. i feel safe with my foster mum an i feel that she realy wants me for just nothing but just cause she does. does she luv me wel i dunno but i dont care neither i just feel beter when am with her.my step dad aint here but he is here in my head an i just keep lisening for him for him to an even that i no he is in jail i just cant stop thinking. I think i can hear him but icant cause he is not here. Thats why icant wait to be gone from here. i smoked weed an drank lots an thats not even helpin . i just only feel like shit. just keep an thinking when wil things be good an i no they will one day an ill feel beter an evey thing but i need to feel good now. ya no I hate me

Posted on Apr 27, 2002, 10:16 AM

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Hi Jamie-lee

by

I'm so sorry things are so hard for you right no. I can sure understand your feelings, though. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

Love you,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 27, 2002, 4:37 PM

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breaking heart

by Hope...

I'm so torn and pulled and angry and sad and almost was in the hosp for a bit, but a good friend kept us out
We found a plethera (miss her) of t's to call and we have been, trying to find the right one...ours wouldn't stop lunch cuz we are temporarily switched to a different hmo for medicaide and she didn't want to be responsible
ryder...was cool about it and kept us together and we didn't get angry, but we're just gonna see her next month until we find a new one that deals with past issues
Saw a friend or an old friend having troubles and wanted so badly to reach out that we took a chance to email...this is the 2nd time we've tried to reach out and apologize for things we know we have done wrong to someone and so far, it's being ignored like the last person...it hurts, but I am going to stand before God one day and He will tell me that I am His child and that I tried to make ammends even when ammends weren't due and He loves me.
In the meantime, helped a friend to get to the hospital for 3 bags of fluied and meds to keep things in her stomache (fluids) and took care of her, making slushies.
We have it now and am not doing so hot about keeping anything down either...nasty bug.
But, most of all, with dating a little, a dinner party to look forward to, good friends and all, we still miss her and them. Why?????????
No one gives us that feeling of warmth and happiness and strength and laughter...we just wish we could feel safe. We've written tons of letters and can't send them off except 2 and we don't know if she got those. But just woke up from a very good and very bad dream about her and them. I am so angry and it shows in my dreams at people who have taken advantage of her and yet, the dream put us back together, catching up and it was wonderful.
Well, better get back to bed with another dose of anti-sick meds. the dream disturbed me.
Just wanna move into that little home up in the woods and wait....patiently until someday.
Hope...
who is keeping the name Hope
no one knows how to spell Riley and for once, we want a name that we don't have to spell
oh, forgot, my hair is so butch right now to get rid of that awful color and we died it a brown and now we have normal reddish hair...awwwww...just not looking femme which is funny
Savi, if you read this, reddish, purple on the toes and pink on the nails...hehehe

Posted on Apr 23, 2002, 12:52 AM

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i'm so jealous

by

alex won't let me paint anything at this point. she says it would ruin her image.
LOL

love,
savi

Posted on Apr 23, 2002, 9:58 AM

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hehehe

by Hope

you're gonna have to sneak sometime
our hair looks horrible!
someone likes it so short...and I mean short!
the red isn't bad cuz now it looks normal

we oughta take a day out and go to see Tori in a comfy dress (kinda cultural style chick, if there is some) and go barefoot with toe rings and ankle bracelets and flowers in our hair and then...orangish toe nail polish and glitter in our hair...cool, huh?
of course, we'd have a night out with her aterwards and she'd be wearing dark purple
LOL~
Hope

Posted on Apr 23, 2002, 7:52 PM

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Hope

by NP

I thought you were saying you had found a good T there? I odn't understand what you meant by stopping slunch and being resposible....

As for hair, I am going through the same trauma. I went to get it cut after having problems for a year and finally getting the style I wanted and the girl cut it WAY TOO SHORT. And there is nothing butch about me, so I am hiding a lot lately. Have to wait a couple months before I can even get it shaped again. Maybe I should just dye it purple and get it over with!

Hope you feel better soon.

NP

Posted on Apr 25, 2002, 10:10 AM

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hyd eer

by karol

iz k.....mee hyd eer wiff u mummy....kk....mee no lik warm..n no ice nomor n meenz watr......n no wanit...mee hyd till lon tim kk....mee bwin blakit n wabit....kk
karol

Posted on Apr 15, 2002, 10:50 PM

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Hi sweetie

by

You sure can hide here. We won't let the water hurt you, ok? I can hold you nice and safe, with your blankie and your green rabbit. I love you.

Safe snuggles
Terrie

Posted on Apr 16, 2002, 5:27 PM

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mummyyyyyyyy

by karol

(((((mummyyy))))))
ol meeeee peezzzzzz..watr kumin upppp...peezzzz.peezzzz no bwweddd

Posted on Apr 17, 2002, 8:17 PM

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karol

by

{{{{{{{{{{karol}}}}}}}}}}

Holding you nice and safe, and keeping you warm and dry. I love you.

Rocking together,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 17, 2002, 9:13 PM

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You know what makes it better?

by NP

The sun is out! The rain stopped! It's 68 degrees! The snow is gone.... I am wearing shorts!

Today I got to get some outside stuff done and it really picked up my spirits.

NobodyPerfect

Posted on Apr 14, 2002, 3:15 PM

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Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

by Jamie-lee

Kool bananas............. am happy that u r enjoyin the sun and outside stuff
an that the snow is all gone an your are able to wear ya shorts

Posted on Apr 14, 2002, 11:33 PM

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Yay Indeed!

by NP



Posted on Apr 15, 2002, 6:29 AM

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Agree!!!

by

Yesterday I went to a picnic. I wore shorts, and it was warm and sunny, but just enough breeze to keep it from being hot. It was perfect! I so much enjoy being outdoors when the weather is agreeable like that. I'm so glad you are able to enjoy it too!

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 15, 2002, 7:39 AM

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Well today....

by NP

It was in the 90's here! So two weeks ago on April 1 we were skiing in Duluth and now we are dying of heat stroke. Humid too. Minnesota.....you got to experience it to believe it!

NP

Posted on Apr 15, 2002, 9:09 PM

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sad n happy ??? mixd up :(

by lisa

am not sure wat is goin on...am both at same time..and dont want be sad.an dont want to cry am not a baby....am not...an hate feeling this this is to konfusng an i dont like it...an all memories is coming going n donty kno wat to do .an.. it hurt to an ...dont wan to be alone..an ..hate this...mak it all stop .plesse make it all go....gooooo wai.....pleessssee

Posted on Apr 14, 2002, 1:23 PM

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Hey lisa

by Jamie-lee

Im am sorry that u r sad an i wish i could make it all stop an make ya better.
Ya right that ya NOT a baby but ya know its is ok to cry. not just babys cry an some times even grown ups cry. ya just 9 an thats like still real young so if ya wanna cry thats kool an i think ya should an just remember that ya not a baby if u cry. there is this guy im seein right an he is like real old but yesterday he stacked his motor bike an ya know what he cried an well i thought that was real wimpy but i spose it did hurt him lots but what im meaning is he cried cause he hurt himself an he is a guy an hes 19. thats 10 years older then you an so if its ok for him to cry then i reckon its kool for u 2 also.

hope ya feelin better soon
later, Jamie-lee

Posted on Apr 14, 2002, 11:28 PM

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Hi sweetie

by

You know what? It's ok to feel both happy and sad at the same time. I know it's kinda confusing, but it sure is something that lots of people feel at the same time. And I know you're not a baby sweetie, but it's ok for big girls to cry. I know I cry sometimes. Crying helps me get my big feelings out and then after a while I usually feel better. I wish I could take it all away for you, but I can hold you and love you and let you know that I'm here. You're not alone sweetie...

Love and safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 15, 2002, 7:38 AM

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terrie

by lisa an nat

hol me....pleeze....hate those big feelings.....now i make a fool of miself in front of mi new friend...jaimee-lee...

luv u terrie angel....

lisa

Posted on Apr 15, 2002, 10:48 PM

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sorry lisa

by Jamie-lee

sorry if i did say some thing wrong
u didnt make a fool of your self in front of me
I dunno what els to say like if ya thought that cause of what i said but hope im not saying anything worse this time

sorry
later,
Jamie-lee
p.s. i think ya kool

Posted on Apr 16, 2002, 5:33 AM

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jaime-lee

by lisa

no soree...ok....
wen i sai i make ffoll is cuz i cry heer...
no of wat u said.....at all
i dont want u to think im a baby n i cry heer on furum...an .... i dont often say waht i feel is hard....
i like yu jaimee-lee..want u stay my friend

lisa

Posted on Apr 17, 2002, 8:15 PM

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Hi sweetie

by

I know how hard those big feelings are. I'm am so happy to be able to hold you nice and safe. I will hold you for as long as you want, ok? And I hope you feel better soon, cuz you don't deserve to feel so yucky. I love you.

Holding you,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 17, 2002, 7:34 AM

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Sick with it all

by NP

Moving into some big heavy memory work with T and it is SCARY. We have scheduled this marathon thing in June, fixed the dates yesterday and I am feeling so awful. The anticipation is making me toss up, I have a pounding headache. But the worst is this all encompassing sense of guilt. Guilt for taking her huge chunk of time, guilt for not being able to let hubby in on it, guilt for spending the money on myself although I think it will be worth it. Guilt because I deserve to hurt even though I wasn't responsible for the events that put me where I am now.

I guess it's just confusing. That self-hatred thing is so strong right now. But I laid in the tub this morning telling myself I deserve relief from this burden, that T is getting paid to do this, that hubby will end up with a better partner, attempting to turn the negative messages into positives ones.

So why can't I make my brain believe any of it? My body either.... I am totally miserable.

NP

Posted on Apr 11, 2002, 10:46 AM

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now, wouldn't it be nice?

by Hope

if your abusers could be paying for all this?

that's the one we always ask ourselves...
everyone in this world, no matter what, deserves to get better
and i won't say anything more cuz i'm getting this "holier than thou" attitude that makes me nauscious....hehe

keep going forward!
Hope

Posted on Apr 11, 2002, 4:39 PM

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He did pay

by NP

He lost his life.

I, however am still here. I tend to focus on how to make my present better and not what I wish could have happened to him. The two are kinda unrelated in my head these days.

NP

Posted on Apr 13, 2002, 9:27 AM

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Hi NP

by

I know that memory work is hard, but I'm so proud that you are going to work on it. Yayya for you! And all those positive messages you are giving yourself...they are the truth, so keep on saying them, even if you don't believe them. And look forward to the day when you will know that they are true.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 11, 2002, 5:10 PM

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Yeah

by NP

I guess I'm just kinda bogged down right now. The past four years of work with T are kinda coming to some sort of major THING right now, I can't say "culminating" because that would insinuate a conclusion and that's not what this is all about. And I have no way of knowing what we will have coming out the other end of this. It's an attempt to deal. But my T is usually pretty right about stuff like this and she seems pretty sure. Time to take the leap I guess, and hope there is something to catch me at the other end so we don't fall.

NP

PS, I am feeling a little better about the actual thing now, I was pretty freaked those first few days but I'm getting used to thinking about it now.

Posted on Apr 13, 2002, 9:32 AM

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You are brave!

by sandy

NP--I know facing the "monster" is scary but you know it will end up for the best! We have to go through the valley to get to the top of the mountain! The way up is jagged and can get dangerous and messy at times, but when you stand up on top in victory, looking down on what you accomplished, it will be well worth it!!!

Just picture yourself doing the "Rocky Victory Dance"...singing the tune in my head now...you can do it!!!!!

Sandy

Posted on Apr 14, 2002, 10:51 PM

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Hmmmmm....

by NP

Me doing the Rocky victory dance...... Not a pretty picture!!! But I am getting more used to the idea of the how and where of this and I feel better than I did last week about it. One step at a time....I can't figure how this could feel good but I trust T.

NP

Posted on Apr 15, 2002, 6:31 AM

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Shaky ground

by dawni

Bah. I'm so sick of so many bloody nightmares. You know? I don't remember any dreams lately that weren't nightmares. Not a single one. Why can't I just sleep like a normal person, instead of every dream I have waking me up and leaving me shaking? It doesn't matter that the nightmares aren't about what happened, it doesn't matter that they're ot realistic. They're htere, they're always bloody there and there's no escape you know? I woke myself up witha scream this morning, something that doesn't often happen and it was just this stupid little nightmare about polar bears and they drowned me and I know it relates back to him but it wasn't about him. And all I can think is I WANT A REAL DREAM. A *dream* not a nightmare. And I want to wake the world up tonight when I have my next nightmare and scream at them appreciate your dreams, appreciate your dreams because *I* can't. And I know I'm rambling but I'm so tired of all the nightmares and I just want to feel like a human being again.

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 7:02 PM

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dawni

by

Gosh, nightmares are rough. I sure hope you are able to overcome them, cuz you deserve to have peaceful rest and good dreams.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 7:22 PM

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Ty, ty Terrie

by dawni

sparklies and puddles

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 10:50 PM

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hi dawni

by hopey...

i don't think we know each other, do we?
i'm hopey...and i'm back to 13 and i usually do a lot of the sleeping, but lately Hope has and she is having horrible nightmares
you're right tho...they never make sense or are realistic, yet they are so bad!

we haven't slept well for a few days and were constantly up and down...we only sleep well on a friend's sofa...don't know why
but, last night, with no meds (which is disaster to begin with), Hope began to think about a story of moving up to the mountains and renting a guest house for only $75.00 a month and there was a lady who gave speaches around the country who owned the big house
she let us live there as long as we took care of her plants and got the house in order before she came home
the mountain is in a place where we'd like to move to in AZ, closer to our kids, but not in the desert.
we had to concentrate on all the little details and such and we ended up sleeping all night and through the morning until 12:30
we didn't have one bad dream! yay!!

i do feel for you...it's just awful, huh?

when i was really 13, i used to say, "starlight, star bright, first star i see tonight" as a kind of ocd thing not to have nightmares...weird, huh?

well....i hope you sleep better soon!
hopey...


Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 9:18 PM

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Hopey

by dawni

Not that I know of.. but it's nice to meet you. :)
That place in the mountains sounds really lovely.. I bet it is beautiful as anything there!!

I used to do the Starlight, star bright thing when I was younger! And I had a small dreamcatcher, too.. oh how I loved that thing. I'd only ever have a maximum of one nightmare a night when I had one of them.. but there's nowhere to hang it here. :(

Anyway, thanks for replying, it means a lot. :)

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 10:48 PM

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ideas and an intro

by hopey...and suzie...

hi hi hi hi hi
dis is suzie...
yu gots mie ole frind kimbli dare kuz we useded tu tok a litl bit a lonk timse ugoe
pwese tels her hi fore me
danks yu
suzie...

hi dawni!
can you make your little dream catcher into a key ring for yourself or tack it to your purse or back pack?
could you tape it to a window? we get real creative when it comes to hanging things in a room...
just a hint tho, don't use that blue stickum stuff...it leaves oil marks
i love dream catchers and i don't have one
we think we are from an eagle clan and we are part native american...just a little, but people can see the mohawk or iriquois in us...my dad and my grandpa, you could tell real well!
we have a little french in us also and i think that part has native american indian in it also

anyways, now that i got off the subject...i think i'll look up a dream catcher site and learn to make one that is special to us!
what a wonderful way to sleep!

hopey...

Posted on Apr 11, 2002, 9:12 AM

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Hi Suzie and Hopey

by dawni

Hey Suzie,
Yupyupyup, we do have Kimbli and she says hello right back to you!!

Hey Hopey!
Thanks for the ideas for how we can hang it!!! Maybe we'll try to hang it over the curtain rod.. our curtains are sooooo thick the dreamcatcher might not be able to do it's job if we put it behind the curtain :)
You'll have to tell me all about it if you do make your own, that would be so lovely!

That's pretty cool that you're part native, too!! I love the native cultures.. actually, I love all different "past" cultures.

~dawni

Posted on Apr 11, 2002, 9:46 PM

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hey

by J-lee

nightmares suck aye. I hope that u can have some real normal an good dreams some day just like the people ya wanna wake up an tell to appreciate there dreams.
some hugz if u would like them
{{{{{Dawni}}}}}

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 11:20 PM

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sorry this is mean to go under shaky ground for Dawni....

by J-lee



Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 11:21 PM

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DAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.........it did........

by J-lee

hahahahahahahaha

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 11:23 PM

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Thank you :)

by dawni

I'm sure I will one day.. just gotta hang in there til that day comes :)

Posted on Apr 11, 2002, 9:49 PM

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another thing

by hopey...

we aren't sure who we really are and when we were born
this has baffled us for about a year now, but we hear more and more from our great-aunt, who btw...is of "sound mind."
first, we were born in Germany and now, we were born after my little brother to "take place of the baby in heaven"
when i ask about it, she tells me to figure it out, i should know when i was born
baffled
memories
night flashes of bits and pieces
hopey...

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 12:35 PM

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Hi again

by

Sorry you're not getting a clear answer on this. Have you explained to your great aunt why you are not clear on this? I hope you do get some answers...I know how difficult uncertainty is.

Love,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 7:18 PM

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this is funny

by hopey...

i'm answering you here while we talk IM
we have told her how important it is, but she doesn't know we are we
i don't think she wants to make trouble, especially in front of him...that was a good one!
we're hoping that at some point she will let us know more...she actually has by telling us we took the place of the baby in heaven....now, we know that there was another girl!

how do people get away with this kind of junk?????
i dunno
hopey...

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 9:24 PM

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revictimazation

by hopey...

my mom used to call me whore, slut, homewrecker, sex pot, hot pants, fish wife...it goes on
she was one of my worst abusers
the names started again with predator
why would anyone who doesn't know me call me that
why can one person tell another that this and that is so and because you chose to be the better person and not tell your own side so as not to put their name into a category like "predator", and then have it turn against you
is it right to tattle-tale
and, what if the stories are made up or over exxagerated to the point that your image becomes tarnished forever
we realize that when people do this, it's usually because they are unstable or abusers themselves, but you know what?

we didn't do anything worse than anyone else and if we did do anything it was by mistake or because we were lied to ourselves!!!


Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 12:27 PM

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forgot

by hopey...

it brings back so much, like a rush of memories, not only from parents and other abusers as children, but memories of abuse as adults
it hurts and it's scarey, real scarey and it makes us all shaky
if that's what abusers want, they sure know how to get it
hopey...

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 12:30 PM

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{{{{{{{{{{{hopey...}}}}}}}}}}}}

by

I'm so sorry to hear that you are hurting so much. I know that I only know a fraction of what you've been through. But I do know that you have not deserved any of the abuse you've received. Not any of it! I do hope that you will find some peace soon. You are so precious. I love you.

Safe hugs,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 7:16 PM

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i luv you too

by hopey...

thanks for being kind to us Terrie
Hope said to ask about the person you are supposed to be helping or something this year from Dakota????????

we actually made it to the grocery store, the post office and the drug store today...agoraphobia had set in badly...meds again sigh
we saw a man who looked just like our dad in his hospital clothes while he was in there and it freaked the little ones cuz they thought he didn't really die...that it was all a lie....then, they heard the last name of his and i got them calmed down
thank goodness!
oh yeah...we went to our "friend's" apt today too and ate spaghetti
hehehe... not the kind you like tho :)-

i hope they have the movie "cable guy" cuz tomorrow we are going there and wait for him while our friend works...we get to babysit Boji and Jay Jay!!!!
Boji comes up to us and licks us and lies on us and so does Jay...can you believe it?

well, gonna take muchly needed meds
insurance....geesh!
there is one drug that we have to wait 3 days for because the insurance or medicaid won't pay for it until then. they are gonna add it to their list...if we don't wait, it's $300.
like right! uh huh

suzie...says nite nite too
luv ya guys!
hopey...

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 9:06 PM

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.....

by NP

It's not forever. It will go away with time.

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 9:00 PM

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NP

by hopey...

i will try and believe that...thanks
hopey

Posted on Apr 11, 2002, 9:14 AM

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a question

by J-lee

ok this realy is not like a memory or nothin but was thinking it should be here an not on the other boards.
I got a question that is like maybe strange an i dont know how to say it any way but just how it is ok.
My questions is how do u know if your gay or not?
Like just say u like someone the same sex as u in a way that you probly shouldnt does that mean your gay?
like how do ya know exactly?
If noone knows that dont matter. i was seeing if any one does.

Thanks
from J-lee

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 7:40 AM

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p.s

by J-lee

I just had a thought that i probly should not have posted that but im wondering that i could be gay. an that if i am than is that cause of the other stuff or is that cause i just am. Or am i not an should i just stay away from everyone

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 7:58 AM

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Hi Jamie-lee

by

Well, only you can decide if you are gay or straight or bisexual. Liking someone of the same sex does not necessarily mean you are gay, but it does not mean you are not either. It is pretty normal for people your age to get crushes on people of the same sex. As you continue to grow and mature, you will be better able to know whether you are gay or not. Also, if you are, it is not because of the abuse that happened to you. If you are, you just are. There are many survivors of sexual abuse who are straight, and many who are not. I'm sorry that my answer isn't more definative, but it's what I know.

Love ya,
Terrie

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 7:12 PM

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thanks Terrie

by J-lee

am not really 2 sure what definative means but dont be sorry cause what u said helped heaps. some things u did say i wanted to ask but didnt no how to put it so thanks heaps to u.
hope ya have a great day an night
Later,
Jamie-lee

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 9:50 PM

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Hiya

by dawni

I'm not sure exactly how you know, especially at your age, to be honest. I don't mean that as an insult, I just mean that while you're maturing and especially in your teenage years, people tend to go through "stages" if you will.

Liking one person of the same sex doesn't necessarily make you a lesbian/gay... but it might be a sign that you are. Does that make sense? There are degrees of "straight" and "gay" and veryveryveryvery rarely are people either "100% gay/100% straight".

Also, I believe that yes, it is possible for your past to be an influence in your sexuality when you're older. And no, whether or not you are gay, it definately doesn't mean you should go away or anything of the sort.

I'll tell you a secret if you like - I'm bi, but leaning towards lesbianity. I'm also getting married to a man. Some people have a problem with that, but I don't, and my fiance doesn't. See, it's not really about body parts, or at least, I wouldn't think so.. it's more about who people are inside. And my fiance is definately a big girl on the inside *wink and grin*
But the point of that is that just a few years ago, I thought I was pretty much a total lesbian.. (I was about 16/17).

Does what I'm saying make sense? Maybe someone else can try explaining it better - I'm not exactly totally coherent right now, sorry, but I definately hope this helps answer some of your questions.
~dawni

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 5:57 PM

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thanks

by J-lee

Thanks heaps Dawni an that did help answer my questions so dont be sorry u was real helpful an thats means alot to me . an your even an aussie 2...even better hehe. An i wasnt not insulted where u said about my age thats one of the things ive been thinkin myself. you know i do some times think adults know what there on about an listen even if i dont get what there on about cause i might one day so think its is good to listen any way.
thing is i had sex with someone at school yesterday right which was a guy an u know it was gross. Not him but just what we did an i felt yuk an nothin else. Ive been learning that there are types of things that your supposed to feel and that are suppose to happen to u if u like someone an i didnt not feel anything. But later on someone who is a girl put her arm around me just as a joke an i felt something alright an its to hard to say what but just that i did feel something i did not feel when i was with the guy. so it dont matter about my age im only glad u wrote to me what you did cause its helpful. I cant exactly ask ppl my age huh, id surely get my head smashed in if i did.
Thanks for tellin me ya secret an i hope that u get to lean towards what you said you are. hey good luck with your wedding 2 i think thats all so kool.'

from Jamie-lee

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 9:47 PM

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You're welcome. :)

by

I'm glad I could help!!

From reading what you told me, I think its possible that maybe youre' just not attracted to this one guy, and maybe to this one girl.. but that doesn't mean "all" girls, or "no" guys.. does that make sense?


Anyway, I wonder if I can be reallyreallyreally nosey and ask which state you are in? Its okay if you don't want to say - its important to keep your privacy and safety in mind but if you want to tell me (here or e-mail, I don't mind) I'm curious. I don't often meet Aussies on boards like this and it always perks up my natural curiosities In case you were wondering too, I'm in QLD.

~dawni

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 10:44 PM

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nosey..... hahahahahaha

by J-lee

kool an yuppers that did made a whole lot a sense. maybe i will try again an see what happens.
yah u can be reallyreallyreally nosey i thought that was real funny. my mum always said not to say that sorta thing on the net but ithink maybe she was wrong cause its not like ya know my addy from my state huh. well i live in NSW an its real kool here. used to live in VIC years ago but is better here.
Ya know i dont meet much aussies either an i chat in a chat room just for some fun an most of em are from the states an not much aussies ever. Well i gotta go im gonna suprise my carer an make her dinner so better get started. hope she likes noodles hahahaha. nah im am a good cook really

Later
Jamie-lee

Posted on Apr 10, 2002, 11:11 PM

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