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Subtle stubble trouble

April 30 2012 at 12:30 PM

rex  (Login thestinkiestbob)

So they just called me up in a panic asking how much beard I can have by this weekend to do that documentary job in Devon.


That's right, some bint asks me over the phone how much beard I can grow in the next few days. Even for me that's a tall order.

Seems the production company has only just NOW figured out that ancient Britons were generally just a tad hairy, and have only just NOW got round to asking me beard questions.

So I tell them I've got a bit of an unkempt Col Sanders thing happening at the moment.

Oh NONONO that will never do. Not on your life. We need big old hairy pirate style beards like what the pirate reenactors have. Am I SURE I can't sport such a chinbonce by this weekend?

I try to explain that if they'd have let me know six months ago in the middle of the planning stages, as opposed to a week before, then I could have been hairy as hell. But as it stands what you see is what you get.

Oh well, that will never do. Cut it off at once and then don't shave at all this week and we'll go for the subtle stubble look.

I try to point out that for as long as mankind had been growing beards they've probably been styling and adorning them in many and varied ways, so a rather shaggy Col Sanders mug would not look out of place on an ancient Briton's filthy mug.

Oh dear me, I had forgotten that you do NOT argue with The Experts. Apparently no human being anywhere in the entire world, especially in ancient Britain (see attached photos from several thousand years ago) has ever sported a shaggy Col Sanders, so I am to do as I'm told since I was so remiss as to not be growing a beard for the last six months for something they only told me about three days ago.

Now, here I sit beardless and stubbly. I can see this all turning into a disaster already, especially as it's supposed to piss down all weekend and past experience tells me they certainly don't like dragging expensive camera equipment through the mud or waste any precious time on the generally low budgets documentaries get.

When I was one of about 4 Neanderthals some years ago for a BBC Horizons documentary (it's on Youtube somewhere I suspect) their budget was so crap they couldn't afford the prosthetics for more than one bloke, so in any scenes where we were all seen together the rest of us had to either turn our backs to the camera or do shit like hold our arm up in front of our face while lurking about with a spear so as not to be seen properly.

And since they couldn't afford to hire more than four of us they used us same guys as Cromagnons in another scene and spliced it together with computer trickery so it looked like there were about 8 of us Neanderthal and Cromags in the same scene. Didn't get paid any more for being more than one person though.

This message has been edited by thestinkiestbob on Apr 30, 2012 12:33 PM

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