I had begun clearing my hard-drive of a lot of information which I wanted to store on floppy disk when I ran across this one.
I had originally written it for the GCBRO over a year ago, and which was on their website for a short time.
I thought it was pretty good, so I decided before storing it on floppy disk, I'd re-print it here.
[I do realize it's not a SCARY SASQUATCH STORY, but I really didn't want to put it on the Bigfoot Debate Board, or the TBRI Message Board. So, here it resides. Hope you enjoy it.]
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I WAS STANDING IN LINE AT ONE OF THE LOCAL SUPERMARKETS JUST A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, AND BIGFOOT REACHED OUT AND GRABBED ME! I WAS SURPRISED AS I HAD NO IDEA THE LEGENDARY CREATURE WAS ANYWHERE NEARBY. TO MY RELIEF IT WAS SIMPLY A BLACK AND WHITE TABLOID WHICH SEEMED TO PUT ALL LEGITIMATE RESEARCHERS OUT OF BUSINESS. FOR ACCORDING TO THE LARGE HEADLINES AND ACCOMPANYING PHOTOGRAPHS, BIGFOOT HAD BEEN CAPTURED IN MONTANA.
BEING A CYNICAL KIND OF GUY AT HEART I BOUGHT THE RAG AND TOOK IT HOME. I FULLY EXPECTED TO HAVE A GOOD LAUGH AND THEN THROW IT INTO THE TRASH. (BUT) I WAS HOOKED, AND LATER OUTRAGED.
AS I READ THE WORK OF SOME "OVERWORKED AND UNDERPAID SCIENCE FICTION WRITER" IT OCCURRED TO ME; "I'VE READ THIS SAME ARTICLE BEFORE AND I'VE SEEN THESE SAME PICTURES BEFORE!" WAS I DREAMING? WAS I EXPERIENCING DÉJÀ VU? HAD I BEEN FORGETTING TO TAKE MY GINKOTA? I DON'T THINK SO.
LAST EVENING, JUNE 16,1999, WHILE SURFING THE NET, I RAN ACROSS A WEB SITE WHERE THE CAPTURE OF BIGFOOT IN MONTANA SEEMED TO HAVE BEEN OF GREAT CONCERN TO A GOOD MANY PERSONS. I THOUGHT ABOUT THINGS FOR A FEW MOMENTS AND THEN DECIDED…SOMEONE NEEDS TO SAY, "ENOUGH!"
BIGFOOT/SASQUATCH/THE GIANT FOREST PEOPLE…WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE TO CALL THESE CREATURES; WETHER YOU CHOOSE TO BELIEVE THEY'RE A RACE OF GREAT APES, OR OUR LONG LOST RELATIVES, HAS NOT BEEN CAPTURED!
DID YOU SEE IT ON THE NEWS? DID YOU READ ABOUT IT IN TIME? NO…YOU READ ABOUT IT IN A SUPERMARKET TABLOID.
IN A FEW WEEKS IF THE SCRIPT RUNS TRUE TO FORM, BIGFOOT (THE TABLOID ONE) WILL MANAGE HIS GREAT ESCAPE FROM THE SECRET LAB HE'S BEEN HELD IN, HE'LL PROBABLY KILL HIS "KEEPER/FEEDER", AND MAYBE A COUPLE OF GUARDS. ALAS, DR. GROVER KRANTZ, JOHN BINDERNAGEL, PETER BYRNE, JOHN GREEN AND OTHERS WHO HAVE SEARCHED SO LONG AND HARD FOR THE ELUSIVE CREATURE WILL NEVER HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXAMINE HIM. ALAS, WE'LL NEVER KNOW IF BIGFOOT IS MAN OR APE.
NOT TO WORRY THOUGH, LATER ON; MAYBE A MONTH, MAYBE LESS BIGFOOT WILL BE SEEN IN THE PRESS AGAIN. THIS TIME HE'LL EITHER BE SEDUCING SOME LONELY FEMALE IN THE WILDS OF THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST, OR HE'LL BE HOBNOBBING WITH THE ALIEN BEINGS WHO FIRST BROUGHT HIM AND HIS KIND TO EARTH, OR THE HEADLINES WILL SCREAM "BIGFOOT MADE ME HIS LOVE SLAVE".
ALL THIS IS CORNEY AND CYNICAL. MY EX-WIFE SAYS I HAVE A SARCASTIC STREAK IN ME, AND I AGREE. I DO TEND TO BECOME CYNICAL AND SARCASTIC WHEN I BECOME OFFENDED.
SUPERMARKET TABLOIDS MAKE US ALL LOOK BAD. NO MATTER IF WE GET ALONG WITH ONE ANOTHER OR NOT. NO MATTER IF WE SHARE INFORMATION WITH ONE ANOTHER. NO MATTER IF MY FELLOW RESEARCHERS IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST THINK OF BIGFOOT AS THEIR PERSONAL PROPERTY.
HE WILL BE CAPTURED SOME DAY FOR REAL, OR SOMEONE WILL SHOOT ONE OF THE CREATURES. TO THINK THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN IS LUDICROUS. I PERSONALLY THINK THIS WILL HAPPEN HERE IN THE SOUTH/SOUTHEAST. (OH YES, I KNOW BIGFOOT ISN'T SUPPOSE TO BE IN THIS NECK OF THE WOODS, BUT IF HE'S NOT SUPPOSE TO BE HEAR, THEN HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE IN OHIO, PENN. , ILLINOIS, ETC.
MAYBE IF THERE'S NO SOUTHERN VERSION OF BIGFOOT ALL THE FOLKS DOWN HERE ARE REALLY GETTING INTO GRANPAW'S MOONSHINE.
SORRY I DEGRESS.
WHAT I'M GETTING AT IS THIS; THERE ARE TOO MANY WEB SITES ON THE INTERNET; WITH TOO MANY REPORTS AND SIGHTINGS THAT ARE MADE BY REAL PERSONS, FOR ANYONE TO TAKE THE TABLOID STORIES SERIOUSLY. I CAN PROMISE ANYONE WHO IS INTERESTED IN BIGFOOT/SASQUATCH THIS: WHEN ONE IS FINALLY CAPTURED, OR KILLED, THE MAJOR NEWS AGENCIES IN THIS COUNTRY AND WORLD WIDE WILL CARRY THE REPORT. NO ONE WILL HAVE TO GET HIS DAILY DOSE OF BIGFOOT IN THE SUPERMARKET LINE.
THE THOUGHT AND OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS ARTICLE ARE MINE. IF YOU AGREE, GREAT! IF YOU DISAGREE THAT'S YOUR PRIVLEDGE ALSO. TO MY COLLEAGUES EVERYWHERE, IF YOU FEEL I'VE INSULTED YOU…GET OFF YOUR BACKSIDES AND GET OUT IN THE WOODS, THE MOUNTAINS, THE SWAMPS, ETC. LETS GET BIGFOOT.
GOOD LUCK AND GOOD HUNTING TO EVERYONE!
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"When the smoke clears, I'll still be there."
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