I think that the hardest part for me of being a therapist/survivor is that I have very high standards for myself. Let me explain that one. I am very concerned that my own history of abuse and my history of problems relating to that abuse (no need to go into the list of problems here) can impair my ability to function as a therapist. It is something that has concerned me ever since I started my current job. I do not think that this is an irrational worry - I know that at the times in my life when I was the most, well, deeply processing abuse memories there was no way I could have been a therapist. Now, 5 years later, I find myself "a therapist" being trusted with the task of helping others to overcome their own difficulties. This is a job I've wanted my entire adult life, and I love it, but I am very worried that I my past will keep me from fulfilling it. From doing it right. So I constantly monitor my moods all the time, and if I'm at work and I feel upset or down I start to think "now this is an example of how I can't do this job because I can't work when I feel like this" and then I rigidly suppress whatever feeling it is and I still worry that now I know I'm never going to be a good therapist. I know, of course, that this is illogical. I think that the fear of being impaired as a therapist is making me so paranoid that I'm almost self-defeating at times. I have to remind myself that it's human to feel down or upset and that the largest part of being a therapist is being human with your clients. But anyway, that's what I mean about having high standards - it's like because of the job I have, the career I have, I have established very high standards notonly for how I perform my job but also how I feel, how I function psychologically. As if I have some "health-meter" going that I constantly check to make sure I won't get too bad.
And I should also point out two other things. First, the constant monitoring has NOT helped me to avoid feeling depressed or even, well, "PTSD-ish" if that makes any sense, at work or at home. In fact, I've been in therapy for the past 9 months or so and I think I'll be continuing that for a while. Second, in sptie of this, I generally receive very favorable evaluations from supervisors and, recently and more importantly, from clients about my therapy work. I do believe that depression and being caught up in the past can impair my work, and I do believe that they DO prevent me from working up to my full potential, but I also do believe that I can function as a therapist, can still help people, even when I am facing these things. But it is a matter of being careful to make sure I am not so caught up in them that I fail to help my clients. Which leads to the monitoring, which actually increases depression and anxiety, and so on.
So as much as I love this profession, I find it ironic and frustrating that I have chosen a career where I feel directly accountable to a wide range of others for my mental well-being. It's so frustrating some times! It makes me feel like I'm trapped in an emotional box!
Ok, so that's my biggest issue as a survivor-therapist at the moment. Any comments/solutions(!!)/ideas are very welcome. Thanks for listening!