logically, we are done having babies. I love my two miracles and I still wonder if I am walking in a dream/delusion. IF can do such a number on your heart, eh??
But as I sit here in my kitchen for a bit of me time (and when will I stop feeling guilty for wanting me time?) with my laptop, I was looking at old posts, going back 4yrs to read what I said about DD's birthstory (partly because the most recent birth announcement on the pg bb was so touching and reminded me of how deeply in love with the world you are when your baby is born and how I suggested to her that she copy the birth story down for her dd because what a gift that would be to her dd and (gulp, I realized I didn't do that for MY dd. roll eyes) and it made me want to NB again. How needy they are and how willingly we give of ourselves to answer that need.
I don't even have to be pg again, I just want a baby to love and hold again. (it's not tilting me over the edge but it's really making me broody)
and I am so very close to menopause--I am 43 now and my mother was 45ish when she had her change of life. By my AFs, it looks like I'll be free and clear of AF by 45 too. My DH needs to get the ol' snip snip because he's worried about an unplanned pg (I truly think we aren't at risk and how I hate to use the word "risk") and although he know it's the best choice for us, he still hasn't made that call. I have (illogical) mixed feelings about his vas-ecto-my. I guess 7yrs (collectively) of IF has left emotional tattoos on my heart.
Anybody else feel this way?
I even remember thinking, while I was IF and ttc#1, how perhaps I'll never stop wanting and be one of these eccentric old lady with a calm happy smile on my face and push a pram with my cat in it, at the age of 80. lol And I fully expected for this desire to vanish once I did achieve my one dream of having a baby.
I sound high strung, I'm not. I'm simply think about this a lot and decided to share it here since you IF sisters might totally relate. My IRL girlfriends are awesome but somehow when I say this stuff out loud, I feel so ...ungrateful? Neurotic? menopausal
thanks for listening if you've read this far
and hope you share your feelings to, I like hearing them
me:43, DH 44
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.