Ann, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I think you are wise to ease up a little on your responsibilities outside your home and family, you really need some space to process your new normal. Maybe give yourself permission to accept that while things are so much better than they were back two years ago when all this came to light, and everyone is home now and doing well, things are never going to be 'normal' again as far as how you feel and how you look at the world. Grieve that loss, and give yourself time to come to full acceptance of what your life is now and in the future. As huge as CSA is, two years really isn't all that long to accomplish all that.
I'm still in that stage. It's been a year, or it will be on August 9, since our disclosure. Overall we are doing great, the kids individually and as a family, but I recognize that I have changed in a big way. I don't want to say I'm cynical or skeptical, but as over-protective as most people say I was before, I still basically trusted that the world was a good place and that since I felt I had done a good job parenting my children, including not allowing them to do or see things that I thought could be physically dangerous or psychologically harmful, they were 'safe'. I was so wrong. As you all well know, it totally knocks you down emotionally, not just the actual CSA, but the knowledge that no matter what, you can't always absolutely protect your children. Sometimes bad things really do happen, even to good, attentive parents who tried their very best to protect their kids.
On a good day I feel empowered, that we have come through something that has been known to destroy families yet here we are a year later and the bonds between us are stronger than ever. My kids know absolutely that I love them unconditionally, that I will always be here for them, no matter what, and together, we will work to solve any problem that we have, and through God's grace and the strength of our family, we can do it. My mother left me when I was 12, so the most important thing I wanted my kids to know was that I would always be there for them and I would do my best to provide them with a stable, intact, two parent family. On a good day I can see that while I will never be the same, while I certainly wish this had never happened, there have been some good things to come from this. On a good day I pray and thank God for keeping His promise to always be with me and for bringing us to the light at the end of the tunnel.
On a bad day I feel scared of what the future holds for DS as far as the legal system goes, the possibility of having to be a registered sex offender still looms until he is off probation. I feel scared for what the future may hold for DD, she's only 9 now and doing great, but how will she process all this as she becomes a teenager, what eventual effect will this have on her life? On a bad day I feel bitter that my sense of security has once again been ripped away from me, after it taking 20+ years to get it back after my mother left, but I know I will never look at things the same again. On those bad days, I pray, pray, pray for God to be with me, be with the kids, give me peace and help me to feel confident that God is in control, always, no matter what.
Ann, what I'm trying to say with this long post is that maybe part of your funk is expecting too much from yourself right now. Because it's been two years, and it appears everyone is doing so well, you are thinking you should be feeling back to 'normal' as well, and maybe some days you do a pretty good job of seeming normal and that makes the days you don't feel so great even worse. It's going to take some time, but all the time in the world is not likely to make you ever feel what used to be your 'normal' again, at least I don't think I ever will, really. As time goes by I accept that a little more, some days it's progress, some days I feel I'm backsliding, but overall I can see forward progress in accepting my new reality.
You were so helpful to me last year, so incredibly helpful, I really can never thank you enough.
KL
Posted on Jul 26, 2009, 11:41 PM from IP address 68.63.139.188
