I'm so sorry you are going thru this, I am on 2 other support sites as well as this one, and the families with offender and victim in them that I can recall have all gotten the offender out. I agree with what Laura wrote. What your younger kids want is not what's best for them, they are just reacting to the situation and they don't want to make it worse in the here and now, but by the offender still being in the home, it will cause problems in the long run. Get as much info and education about this and make the decisions based on that, not what your kids may be begging you to do--I know that's tough to do. The victim, no matter how happy he seems, can not possibly feel truly safe with the offender there; the offender cannot be trusted by anyone. It's not humanly possible for you to be thoroughly vigilante to keep them apart, and it will become exhausting, not to mention it's no way to live. Also, the offender needs an environment that's therapeutic for him so he can own his accountability in the situation and choose to do the work necessary to change and heal. That won't happen in your home with his victim just steps away.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I'm not a CSA victim (that I can remember) and our offender isn't in our family either, but I'm hoping that because of that I can be more objective. Also, if you look up the statistics, not that large a percentage of those abused become offenders; the last I read I think it was less than 15%. If he was or wasn't abused will change some of his therapy but he still needs help that is not available in your home. You are not unbiased and impartial and therefore not therapeutic for him. The parents who got the offending son out of the home have all said it was painful and difficult at first, but they quickly realized it was the best thing they could have done for everyone involved.
Regarding the police and CPS, these people are often not given courses in empathy or how to effectively establish a rapport with people, they are overworked, underpaid, and it's best to be as cooperative and pleasant as possible in order to be able to get some of what you want. Some of them can be classified as neanderthals from some of the stuff I've read. We were extremely blessed to have excellent detectives and asst prosecutor dealing with us. If there's a childrens advocacy center in your area, that is who should be involved with any interviews. Reporting to police should also give you access to the victims of crime compensation office funds which pay for counseling, and often they have participating therapists who have experience in CSA.
As far as how people will react or look at you or your kids, or what they might think, say or do, it is what it is. People are not going to react the way you want them to, not your family, not your friends, not your fellow church members, etc. They don't have a clue what you are going thru. BUT the advantage to that is there will be those who will support you, they won't be many in number, but the good thing about it is you know they are truly caring for you and your family, and they are the ones you need to have around, not the others who say inane, ignorant, hurtful things. In the short and long run, the people you want around you are the ones who support you and will at least attempt to get it. This is the type of situation that will thicken your skin and make you wiser, more than you could ever wish for.
I hope what I wrote is not offensive, my only intention is to support you and give you what little info I have about this. Every situation is different, yet the effects are so similar, and that is the bond we all have here. My email is zimpd@netzero.net if you feel the need to message me privately. My heart goes out to you and your precious kids, and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Big (((hugs))) to you all.
Posted on Feb 24, 2012, 3:49 PM from IP address 108.5.237.17