Our daughters were horribly abused by our sons. I totally know the feelings you are having...loving all of your children...I will say this though, you've not mentioned your boys ages...While I continued to love our sons deeply, I was terribly disappointed in them feeling as though I'd been 'fooled'. You mention the possibility of your older son having been abused and you're right in that thought. However, his age and ability to 'reason' also enter into his actions. Are the boys both very young or is there a significant number of years between the two?
The first couple months after our girls disclosure was difficult...as stated by another, a sexual abuse victim cannot feel safe while living in the same home with their perp...also, it is very normal for a victim to continue to love their offender...until they are able to find a measure of healing the 'anger' towards the person who hurt them doesn't present itself. Our older daughter tried to say none of the abuse happened once we began the plans to move the boys out...My heart was breaking as I told our boys how much I loved them, but their actions have made it necessary for them to live elsewhere...when my baby felt such extreme responsibility to make everything better she announced at dinner that she had lied about it ALL...only four years old at the time.
Our sons have never returned home and I haven't spoken to our youngest (the main perpetrator, who never showed remorse)in almost 9 years....I talk to our oldest son, who was also a victim...but took part in the abuse of his sisters occasionally on the phone...he has lived with the guilt of his actions since leaving and sadly will do so for the rest of his life!! I have tried to 'release' him from such feelings...but because of his disability he cannot let go....Our girls have not seen either of the boys since they left our home...our family was damaged beyond repair...BUT, out of it came a beautiful NEW family and our girls are living normal lives and have healed beyond anyone's expectations...even my own.
There are some families I've known who work towards reunification...once the perps have been removed, and the family receives the needed treatments, with the direction of a therapist who specializes in this process...some may reunite in the same house again...more often though, they reunite as a family unit with the perp living outside the home...family get togethers, activities...etc.
Mom...the choices you make for your family will be your own...some will judge you for choices you make...bottom line is this...those who've been victimized must be put 'first'...their needs are most important now...although, you can continue to meet the needs of your son who took these actions as well...sadly, we were unable to get our sons needs met, it was out of our control and our girls needs became priority. Whatever you choose for your family...keep strong...my thoughts and prayers are with you and if there are any questions or concerns I can help with feel free to ask here in the forum or write to me personally....Sending you positive, healing thoughts... ~gina~
Posted on Feb 25, 2012, 11:14 AM from IP address 126.96.36.199