Diane, I'm so sorry you are going thru this and need to reach out for this kind of support, but so glad you did. How brave your daughter is to tell! I'm so proud of her! You are doing all the right things, including coming here for support.
You'll find that you'll be going thru many different emotions and phases, and anger is certainly one of them. Although you need to control how and when you express it, you sure need to let yourself go thru it and feel it in order to deal with it and work thru it. Choose times when no one's around to scream or punch a punching bag or throw rocks at a tree, or whatever you choose.
If you can get yourself into counseling, you should strongly consider it. Have you reported the abuse to the police? If you do, it gives you access to the victims of crime compensation fund in your state that provides you with free or reduced counseling, as well as your daughter. Another option is to call your local women's services center (rape crisis center, battered women's services, or some other name they may go by) to see what resources they have. The one near me has a very extensive list of resources for women in any number of circumstances. Since I am currently going thru training thru them to be a crisis response team member, I've learned that I could have received support from them when my kids disclosed. At least I know that now so I can tell others.
I'm thinking you may want to watch your son for any reaction he has to whatever you've told him. At 12 he may know or suspect more than you realize, and it may be better to be honest with him, but you know him the best so it's your call. He may know something, or just need to talk about some feelings he has and have them acknowledged, so just keep that in the back of your mind (along with all the other stuff in there!).
You may (probably will) at some point feel guilty for this, but remember you did nothing wrong, this is totally the responsibility of the offender, who was very skilled at manipulating everyone around him to be able to do this and have it kept a secret. Let him hold all the accountability.
Hang in there, this is a long tough journey but you will get thru it. Keep coming here for help whenever you need to. My heart goes out to you and your family, keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))
Posted on Apr 2, 2012, 9:34 AM from IP address 126.96.36.199