Madison, I wish that I had a magic answer and wand to take away the anger that I feel and that you feel too. Mine comes from a childhood in which anger was never a part of so it was a surprise to discover it in mid-life. Mine comes from a husband who died at the age of 39, a suicide, in which he left an awful mess of an estate, even my home, which I owned, he had mortgaged and I had to fight a major Canadian bank for the next four years to keep it even though my signature was forged on the bank document and proven so. I think it was there that I began to feel the helplessness of not being believed. I remarried, took in two step-children and it was then, for the first time in my life, I found myself subjected to ambivilant criticism, which, to this day, thirty years after divorcing the man, because I remain close to my step-daughter, is still part of my life at times. She and my own daughter were sexually abused, my daughter from age 5 to puberty, she told me when she disclosed just short of 18 years of age. So I know where my anger comes from. What to do about it? I run a part-time business, even in my early seventies and can afford to have
therapeutic massage every two weeks (I have fibromyalgia); I exercise at a gym almost every day to keep my body in shape and the stress, lessened; I have had years of elective therapy to try and understand all that has happened to me and how I've reacted to it and to try and not punish myself over and over at what happened to those girls. I also find that I can become quickly defensive and I try to recognize and deal with that because that is my issue, not the other person, always. I try to learn the language to express my feelings when I feel angry, feel defensive, feel misunderstood. I pray to a higher power, not that I know there is a god but that in praying, I feel supported and maybe I'm just tricking my psyche into believing it...who knows. Calmness in my life is very important to me; maintaining it is not always easy. Forgiveness is part of it, forgiveness mostly of myself. Standing my ground with aggressive people, but verbalizing so that I am heard though not always well received. Walking away from some relationships that are stressful for me; not always easy. Having a focus that I know will take me away for however long I'm involved in it. I'm a quiltmaker. Working with my hands is very relaxing and absorbing for me. Walking my dogs...None of this may work for you but finding peace and foregiveness within yourself you can do in ways that work for you. Acknowledging too that the anger was placed in you by another person, a situation beyond your control; taking a deep breath when you feel you are loosing it; mostly recognizing the triggers in your life. Language helps. You may not always be heard but learning to talk the language of those you are trying to reach, helps pave the way to communicating with them. I never thought that growing up, I'd ever have the experiences I have had in life and yet, I feel proud that I'm the age I am and I've managed to stick-handle my way through it all...maybe not as well as I could have but I have survived it...and yes, there are scars...I wish they'd heal and go away. I know how you feel, Madison, I think many of us here on this forum will say that first the hurt for our child or children is the worst and then the anger, next. There are many injustices in this world but sexual abuse is at the bottom of the bird cage of life as far as I'm concerned. Those who perpetrate it are nothing but scum. And they are sick.
This comes with a hug,