The purpose of this message board is to provide encouragement to anyone whose life has been touched by sexual abuse. Through the sharing of our personal opinions, questions, fears and experiances we can support one another in efforts to heal from it's effects! For parents, and other caretakers who want online support regarding a child within a closed group environment, please click on the link below:
First I want to disclose that I am not a parent. I am an adult survivor of 15 yrs of sexual abuse from a clergy member. In addition my father was an alcoholic who sometimes abused my Mom and I. Most of the time he was a hardworking guy who was out of touch.
My question is complex yet simple: As a parent, what does/did it take to get past the guilt of having a child molested to the point where you could see your role in the situation. Let me clarify...if a parent or parents are dealing with their own problems, such as alcoholism, it can have an effect on the child being an easier/more desireable target by a molester who knows the family well. PLEASE know this does not assign blame or guilt in any way on the parent since the perpetrator is fully responsible for their actions.
I ask this question humbly and with complete respect for all parents who must endure with their children this awful situation.
Posted on Dec 23, 2009, 1:15 PM from IP address 69.253.5.20
You are right that some non-offending parents have a role in the abuse of their child. Many parents are groomed right along with their children and they are dumb-struck upon learning that this person they trusted violated their family in such an awful way. Yes...some children are targeted because of their family issues....over-stressed parents, single moms, marital problems, substance abuse problems, issues with other siblings that take their time away from the possible victim. It happens and it is a tragedy. But to ask at what point our guilt dissapates enough to see our own culpability is kinda short sighted. The guilt I feel as a mother regarding the sexual abuse of my 3 year old daughter will never go away....but I didn't do anything wrong. I fell for the grooming of a child molester....I married him and bore his future victim. When I realized he was unfit to live with I divorced him and took every step I legally could to protect my daughter....but the courts in this country are set up to ensure both parents access to their biological child and it wasn't until he had molested our daughter that I was able to stop visitations and to be honest if he had decided to fight on he would probably have eventually been awarded visitiaton again....cause the courts believe the child has a right to know their biological parents...regardless of the kind of person that parent is. So in short my answer is....my guilt over the suffering of my child will never go away...every time I give her a bath where she insists on wearing her swimsuit my heart breaks...every time she talks about papa peeing in her face my stomach tightens....every time I look at old pictures and can see the change in her eyes my soul dies a little more. Unknowing, non-offending parents are never responsible for the abuse of their child...they were doing the best they could in the circumstances they were dealt. I am sorry for your suffering and I wish that it had never happened...but I think you need to forgive your parents for their short-comings...they should have been able to trust a clergy member...the didn't know this was going to happen and for trusting the wrong person they will never forgive themselves in the true sense of the word. But if you can move forward with them as parents...see past where they went wrong...and forgive them this role then all of you will be better off. You and they need to place the blame where it lies...with the monster who took advantage of a child while his/her parents struggled with issues of their own.
All my blessings,
Dee
Posted on Dec 23, 2009, 2:20 PM from IP address 72.202.129.54
The guilt and pain never ceases. "How could I not see this?" "I'm a horrible mother for not paying more attention to my children". It hurts so much and when you look back at what you did "wrong" in your life and how you you messed up doing certain things. Paying too little attention to your child bc you were working or fighting or anything hurts to the soul more than you could know. I was supposed to protect my child from the "monster hiding in the bushes" but the monster was in my own home sleeping in the same bed with me. You look at their little faces and it puts a knife in your chest every time. A lump in your throat...some days or some weeks are better than others but you will always, as a parent remember your short comings and why you didn't/couldn't protect your child.
Please don't be angry with your parents. I'm sure they would give their life to keep this from ever happening to you. You do sound a little angry still. We always take our hurt and anger out on the ones we love the most and who will always be there for us. Have you gone to therapy? It might help you to put the blame where it belongs. The more you blame your parents the more you kill them inside everyday. I can honestly tell you that...
hugs to you...
Bree :)
Posted on Dec 23, 2009, 4:22 PM from IP address 67.40.33.168
It's interesting that you both mentioned I need to forgive my Mom and Dad. What in my question gave you the impression I haven't? My father is deceased. Mom is doing well and I've forgiven them on many levels.
What I'm having problems with is what happened has and will always affect me. I am and have been in therapy for 3 years but I still have intense nightmares. So intense that I once awake I'm shook up for the next day or so. Starting a new therapy EMDR since I was diagnosed with 7 signs of PTSD.
My Mom doesn't quite understand that I may always need a different kind of love from her. Notice I didn't say special since my two sisters also need her love.
If you knew me you would have no clue of what happened. No drugs, Alcohol abuse or lack of work. Nothing but normalcy, independence and striving for maturity.
She can be verbally rough as hell and then when I back off expects me to forget about it and move on. I'm a man so I can take some grief but I'm at a point where I have to ask myself: When will I say enough is enough.
Sorry for the long response and I do appreciate your input, thoughts and caring.
God Bless,
T
Posted on Dec 23, 2009, 6:00 PM from IP address 69.253.5.20
My son was molested when he was 4..he is now 7. He was molested by his 14 year old uncle. We prosecuted but he only received "rigourous counseling" 4 times a week!!! Unbelievable ..It has been a long road..his father passed away last year and its just me handling all this,still. He acts out sexually soo much, I try to ignore the behaviors like the numeorous therapists have told me,but its kinda hard to ignore when he exposes him self to me when he is mad and makes lude comments..I feel soo alone,even tho I know I am not..I have a fear that even with all the help we get him,that he himself will turn into an abuser..
Posted on Dec 23, 2009, 10:56 AM from IP address 208.54.90.53
You are not alone....we all understand.I am so sorry for all your pain and for the loss of your husband.What a heavy load to bear...Post often you will find this place a priceless refuge from the battle with csa.Sending many positive and healing thoughts your way.
E
Posted on Dec 23, 2009, 11:18 AM from IP address 98.25.230.69
Babygirl, 4, has been crying alot/whining the last few days. She broke down this morning and said she was scared of perp. Said he hurt her.
For the last nine months she has lived w/ Daddy and me. It's all making sense now. This whole time, no matter what's wrong w/ her - if she's crying, she says "I love you, I miss you so much." It's always the first thing she says. She's been asking me when I'm going to die for about 2 weeks.
Tonight I could hear her crying in her room. Crying so hard she couldn't breathe. I stood in the hall for a minute because she was talking. She was saying "I love you baby Jesus." Just before bed she came in our room with her notepad, crying. She said she couldn't draw baby Jesus. She had drawn a person and said it was me.
When I sat on her bed tonight, she jumped into my lap crying, saying how much she loves me. I brought her in my room. She said that "perp" was going to kill me. I asked why and she said "secret."
I went into JW's room and asked him if perp was going to do something to me. He said perp told him he'd would kill me if JW told me about him touching privates. He said he told him that a few days before they came to live with us.
Sick, sick bastard. I am so mad! This whole time I haven't really gotten angry, hubs has but I've focused on the kids. But right now I want to kick his azz.....how dare him tell them that.
I told hubs that I bet the perp knew they were getting attached to me. That SOB knew it, I bet he could sense it. The kids had been staying the weekends with us just before we got them. I bet he could see what was coming. Bio mom got on drugs and sent them to stay with them for 6 months. He knew she could care less. Easy targets......
Even the flashback JW had last week - perp was chasing me and JW with a gun. They've been scared to death. Not just for themselves, but for me too. How awful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted on Dec 19, 2009, 10:15 PM from IP address 24.179.10.134
Lordy; sorry to hear all of that! How awful for your babies and you! Well, I know it's difficult, but take heart...this perp...will eventually get his own.
These particuliar perps are really good @ threating...etc; but more less the biggest cowards when it comes down to any type of perps...belive it or not...! However, I never take it lightly...
Have you contacted your local authorities yet? I would...regardless; he should be reported to all authorities.
I'm so sorry your going thru this; and I can relate, just mine after almost 3 yrs of his release just 3 weeks ago threatned my life again...it's unfortunalely typical...
I'm praying for your peace... & know...we are here for you & your babies safe-keeping (hey, I've made it so far 10yrs+, with...no hubby, barely a family that is supportive, etc...) so if I can do it/make it for us all to be safe...I KNOW you can!!!!
((hugs)) ~ L
Posted on Dec 20, 2009, 12:10 AM from IP address 207.200.116.135
Anyone else's kids still have visitation with the perp?
by
My daughter was raped by her father when she was a toddler but there was no "proof" (her word didn't count against his, I guess, and mine, too, since he told them I was a "bitter, angry ex-wife who was falsely accusing") and she's had regular visitation with him since then, three years ago. She still remembers and talks about it with me. Other than her initial disclosure with the Social Worker, she still won't talk about it with anybody else, thanks to her father putting the fear in her, which makes it impossible to change the court ordered visitation.
I've had such a difficult time dealing with this, having to send her off every other weekend to her father knowing what he's done and worrying he'll do it again. It's almost destroyed me. Nobody has been able to understand. My family and friends expect me to "get over it" because they don't think he'll do it again now that I know what he did.
Is there anybody out there who has to continue to send their child to their molester? If so, how do you deal with it? How has it changed you? Have things gotten better for you and your child over time? What happens when the child reaches the age of understanding just what sex actually is?
Posted on Dec 18, 2009, 4:42 AM from IP address 70.69.164.222
Re: Anyone else's kids still have visitation with the perp?
by Shabs
My prayers go out to your daughter and you. The so called JUSTICE that the law does, is a complete mockery. My daughter still hasn't disclosed so as far as the police was concerned there was no PROOF. I have been left to deal with everything on my own. Even though there was no proof for the law, for me although she hasn't disclosed i KNOW something WAS happening. So i decided i couldn't have him living under the same roof as her. I kicked him out. He still comes round every day for a few hrs, which is when i find i am on alert watching him like a hawk. To which he knows i am watching and is angry about me doing that. Because it makes him FEEL BAD. But i don't care. Bcos if he hadn't done what he did i wouldn't have to behave the way i am. I don't want to treat him like this. I loved and trusted him. But he has killed all of that. He has recenly started to pressurse me into letting him back into the home, bcos NOTHING has happened as far as the police was concerned. My family is also like yours unsupportive and don't understand. It is hard very hard and at times very lonely. I can't imagine what you are going through. Knowing what he has done and is capable of. And yet being forced to send her to stay with him.
there is a facebook group called 'stop women being forced to give abusive fathers access to children'. It may help. I don't know what else i can say. I sincerely pray that she no longer has to see him unsupervised. Please take care of yourself. :-)
Posted on Dec 19, 2009, 11:17 AM from IP address 80.239.242.21
It sounds like this is a pretty recent situation for you as well. I totally agree with the "justice" system being a mockery. My daughter DID disclose to the social worker but because of her very young age at the time, I was told it was her word against his. She kept talking (to me) and I'd keep reporting what she said until a few months later I was told by the social worker to stop calling because the case had been closed. He didn't just fondle her, either, from what she's described. It went way farther than that. But the police didn't even bother interviewing me or her at the time. Unbelievable, but totally true.
So the only way I've been able to help my daughter has been to remind him frequently of what he did and to keep his hands to himself because I'm watching for it. I also tell him what she's told me and sometimes send him literature about child sexual abuse. It really upsets him and last time he even called the police to report I was harassing him. I don't care. What else can I do? But it's hard to be in a constant state of fear and loathing and hate. It's not like me at all and is very tiring.
Basically, until she discloses to someone else (since, as her Mom, my word doesn't count for $hit with anybody, apparently)she still has unsupervised access. And he's done a really good job of scaring her into not talking with anyone else.
Did your ex get court-ordered access now? Are you divorced from him? Do you think it is still going on or is the fact that you know about what he's done enough to make him stop? How the heck do you cope with it and not having much support? Sorry for all the questions. I've felt so alone and my family has been no help at all. Apparently, I should just "get over it." It's been really confusing knowing what the right thing to do is when either nobody's had this experience or nobody wants to talk about it if they have.
Posted on Dec 19, 2009, 6:11 PM from IP address 70.69.164.222
How to respond. wow....well, my X abused my oldest daughter (when she was 11 yrs)...his(then)his step-daughter (not our bio-D). Two years later he abused her friend (see that's part of the problem/situation...the re-offending rate is over 90%...even if they have served years of time, and "treatment" after release...there really is no so called- "cure"... I've have found this out of nearly 10 yrs of going thru hell...(for me and both my girls) -- so him not getting any prosection, concerns me for your D.
Sincerely, I'm definetly not trying to put anymore on your plate/or trying to scare your further..but these are the facts. ... I'm just concerned for her/and you.
My X was indeed prosecuted... served "time"/--years... & has been out for almost 3 years. The problem is we have a bio-younger daughter (an infant then/now close to the same age as the children he preys on...)now -- close to the same age as the time he assualted my oldest daughter & her friend.
Even be4 his disclousre/grand jury and prosuection,... I've never allowed our (bio) D to be allowed un-supervised visits w/him for nearly 7 yrs now.
He has pushed my buttons since he's been "out"/tried to intimate me/her school, etc...it never ends...he is even living w/a Mom w/3 kids now, 2 girls close to that prime age (for him)...
I do not want further enclose due to incriminate my family court case, the supervised visits will shortly be vanished...it's taken me a lot of strength & might I again add a lot of YEARS..., but I've overcome it for the sake of my D, and no more victims....
I know the fear "they" can strike into you; but my 1st response would to find some legal counsel to recommend to the courts for only supervised visits. Have you checked into Legal Aid in your state to find a family law attorney? Or contacted a VA (victims assistace advocate) from your local DA?
I am now returning my experinces...(from all of us), my oldest daugther is now over 20 yrs old; a mother herself now...It's still now even today a rocky road to tow for her even now almost 11 yrs later...but day by day/year by year...we get stronger...and advocate & share our experiences. I am now aa VA myself...I can tell not only from my experiences/but stastically...please do your best to not let this this perp keep preying...
Again, not trying to be discouraging, but only ENCOURGINING; to keep your D, other victims & yourself safe. I'm STILL not out of this yet mysef...10 years!!!...not saying all cases are like this; some get lucky I guess after ...but saying; yes I CAN & INDEED RELATE...your D can be protected...if I can help; I will be there/here/like the rest in this fourm...
I would just recommend, no further un-supervised visits...it may not feel like it @ this time...but there is help from your state, counselors, and, us/ME...feel free to reach out!
Prayers, thoughts & huge ((hugs))) to you & your D! ~ L
Posted on Dec 19, 2009, 11:59 PM from IP address 207.200.116.135
Sorry you are going through this. A few suggestions in addition to seeking legal cousel. First understand that the younger the victim the less likely the court is to prosecute. My own little one was 3 when she disclosed...and her father was never prosecuted...I put my little angel in counseling and requested a court order to suspend visitiaton until a counselor could make a recommendation....the counselor was able to get her to open up after about 6 weeks and little angel disclosed enough to her to lead the counselor to report the abuse also. In the long run the court chose not to prosecute but the family court ordered him to undergo an offender evaluation....he didn't want to do it so instead he signed over rights and walked away. I feel very lucky...even though he wasn't prosecuted...at least I know she is safe.
Now for my suggestions....you can get microchip tape recorders that you can sew into a favorite stuffed animal or blankie seam. Just pick something she will keep with her most of the time. Don't even tell her. But it will give you peace of mind. The women I know who have done this would sew the recorder into a favorite cuddly and then take it out and listen after the visit before sewing it back in. It's alot of work but will give you a sense of peace. Other ideas include a bath as soon as she comes home which gives you a brief chance to do a quick visual inspection for any signs of abuse. Maybe you can get a line drawing picture of a little girl in a swim suit and some little stickers. Then have her put stickers on the drawing everywhere she was touched when she was with her dad. Just make it a routine part of her return home. Date each one and file them away. Personally I think your reminding him that you are watching and paying attention will go along way to protect your daughter....I know it offers you little solace but unfortunatly for now it may be your only option.
Hang in there,
Dee
Posted on Dec 20, 2009, 7:55 PM from IP address 72.202.129.54
Re: Anyone else's kids still have visitation with the perp?
by CG
I'm not in this situation, but I know how common it is! One of my kids' friends had a father who was an abuser - and he was a pediatrician - oh so yuck! His mom couldn't get visitation stopped. It's totally crazy! I just wanted to send some thoughts your way - I'm glad you've found us and have a place to vent and ask questions. You are doing what's best for your kids, even if the law isn't!
Sending strength,
CG
Posted on Dec 21, 2009, 2:38 AM from IP address 65.43.221.213
My daughter had to return to his house after she disclosed the first time...she was not credible bc she 3 at the time. So she went back...it was hell every time. I would cry all weekend. She was in therapy the whole time...kept her in it. The first time she disclosed was in Sept and then disclosed again in Jan! Finally they had enough to take him to family court and start supervised visits...etc. Long, LONG story but he is a deadbeat and my girls haven't seen him for over 2 years now! Just stay vigilant mom...put the pressure on...he'll be less likely to abuse if he knows others are watching him. But he might get bold enough to do it. Sadly...they will always have a different view on life. To them it's not wrong...sigh...Is your daughter in therapy?
Hugs and welcome,
Bree :)
Posted on Dec 23, 2009, 4:39 PM from IP address 70.59.6.11
Thanks you all so much for responding. You are beacons of sanity on a stormy night!
The court hasn't even heard my case because it stopped with the social worker who shut it down after talking with the father and deciding I was accusing him falsely (he was told by the father that we were still fighting over custody and access which wasn't true AT ALL). The police didn't even bother interviewing me or my D because of what the social worker believed. Even when I told the social worker there were court papers proving that custody and access what already settled, he STILL wouldn't reopen the file.
So, what I've been doing is actively teaching my D about safe touches/unsafe touches and frequently REMINDING the father that I am watching him and that my D is talking with me about what he did, which I am so happy to know is what you all have recommended I do! I didn't know what else to do! It's the only weapon I have and thank you all so much, you've helped me understand it's probably the best thing I can do considering the circumstances.
Unfortunately, after my last reminder, his reaction was to CALL THE POLICE and report that I was harassing him (last reminder was a month prior)! He just wants it to go away and pretend it never happened, which isn't justice for myself or my D. Screw that, I'm going to be in his face now until forever or at least until I have legal rights to demand supervised access.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your input. I have felt so alone for so long. NOBODY understands unless they've been there. Bless you all!
Posted on Dec 23, 2009, 8:13 PM from IP address 70.69.164.222
My son JW, 8, is having a very hard time in school. We got custody of him in March and the last few months of school last year were spent at his old school. He had alot of problems behaving and paying attention.
We wanted to start fresh this year and I just can't seem to figure out how to help him. I'm not getting much from the school. They know our situation, but they still seem indifferent.
After almost three months, I finally got an IEP meeting scheduled with the staff and his therapist. The principal finally called T yesterday and this lady actually acted to T like she didn't know why I'm asking for a meeting. She said she felt like they had everything under control. JW had been to the office 5 times, but not since November.
For real? That's funny seeing as how he went twice last week for hitting people.
He refuses to do his work in class, he hides his homework. I'm feeling really lost here.
Posted on Dec 17, 2009, 4:08 PM from IP address 24.179.10.134
Some of you may remember me from awhile back. I have 3 kids and my middle son who is 5 was acting out in a sexual way and touching his brother and sister and his cousin. Well they've been going to counseling and getting better or so I thought. If any of you remember me then you probably know that for awhile we separated the kids but we have not been able to find out who's doing this to the kids. And no courts will touch the case without proof. I feel it's either their father or grandmother but leaning more towards the grandmother. That whole family is filled with molestation. But any who the kids are not saying who's done it to them. Well me and the counselors have felt that the kids were doing better and that they could be trusted to play together so we've been letting the kids play and what not. Well yesterday I went to upload photos from my digital camera and there were pics of my kids taking pics of their private parts. I talked to my kids about it and asked if the touching had started again and they said yes but only once!
I talked to their step mom because my Daughter admitted that my son had touched her once and his step sister while at his dads. Well the step mom claims she talked to her daughter that was touched and the little girl claims nothing happened. And the step mom is trying to make it seem like my son is just acting out but I know that my son is obviously not getting the help he needs with counseling once a week so I told them we need to think about putting him in a inpatient treatment center so he can get the help he needs. I just dont get it, I want to know soooooo bad who's doing this to my children and taught them this is ok. My daughter is 8, my middle son is 5 and my youngest is 3. And pictures where would they get the idea to take pictures of their privates. Does anyone have any input i mean as someone on the outside looking in. CYFD had threatened that if another referral was made about my children they would take them all away from me but they aren't bothered to find out who's doing it to my son to make him this way, I mean he's 5 years old!!! I've involved the authorities twice now and cyfd and they are in counseling yet they are threating to take them from me I FEEL SO DANG HELPLESS!!!!
Posted on Dec 17, 2009, 2:12 PM from IP address 67.164.158.126
I really don't know what to say except that I'm sorry:( I remember going through the "who is doing this"! My exes family is filled with molestation as well so i didn't know WHO was doing it! But it eventually comes out. As hard as it sounds...you need to be patient and LISTEN to your kids. Don't get too upset with them when they act out. Try to stay calm and focused...I know it's soooo hard...I remember all too well. It was anguish to know what was happening but I couldn't stop it from happening. Sigh...hang in there mom...will keep you and the kids in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Bree
Posted on Dec 23, 2009, 4:06 PM from IP address 67.40.33.168
I'm trying to take it one day at a time right now. I dont get frustrated so much with them when they act out it's more everyone else.. I'm doing the best i can to protect my kids but it seems like cyfd doesn't care till they wanna point the finger at me for failure to protect. They aren't even trying to figure out who's done this to my kids and they dont really care the woman at cyfd told me they were more worried about my son and she even threatened to arrest him.. I mean he's 5 for goodness sakes!!
UGH I can't protect them when i dont know who to protect them from. And to boot i feel like in a way i'm having to choose between my kids and as a mother how are you supposed to do that!! Thanks for replying, i'm hoping that it all comes out at some point. How long did you have to wait for your children to disclose?
Posted on Dec 23, 2009, 10:43 PM from IP address 67.164.158.126
Social Services came by today to talk to my son. I feel like I'm going crazy or something. After everything my son has told me about what happened to him, all he could tell them was that his abusers spanked him. I think they think I'm nuts. I know to be patient with him and with the system, but I really don't want them to not take this seriously. He's only four, surely they know that its not something thats easy for him to talk about. Someone please tell me I'm not out of my mind, I know what my son has told me and how much he's changed since that weekend. I just want to cry...I don't know what to do or expect, I'm so in over my head with this!
Posted on Dec 16, 2009, 10:45 AM from IP address 208.90.70.57
losing your mind..in fact, you're probably one of the few who are being reasonable regarding your son's abuse experiance!...lost, believe me..you said it all in your words, "i know what my son has told me"....he told YOU...that speaks volumes as to the parent you are...children who've been sexually abused lose trust...as WE well know...many NEVER are able to speak to anyone about their abuses...he feels totally safe with you!! good job...
when the police questioned our son they didn't believe him because his responses were too slow, our girls words, however HORRIFIC they were...were not believable because they were too young...sigh...bottom line, you're not crazy..i'm not a big fan of 'the system'...seen it fail too many times...however, hope is good...for whatever outcome YOU wish for...the most important of course would be that of your child's emotional health...and with you on his side, it's a SURE thing!!! take gentle care...be strong...gina
Posted on Dec 16, 2009, 1:39 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
I just wanted to tell someone how honest and raw JW, 8, is at times.
He dealt me HELL today/tonight. I mean from the moment he got in the car from school. He hates running errands but sometimes I cannot help it. I even took him to his favorite restaurant, where he "acted a donkey", as my sister says. In Walmart, I was letting the boys pick out a bike for Christmas, JW goes flying by electronics. Great.
Stopped by my sister's house and even she and her fiance got onto him. I know they mean well, but it bothers me. They just don't "get" him like I do. I'm like the only person who can raise theur voice at him. EVeryone else, he breaks down. It quickly escalates to "everyone hates me, I can't take it....."
So, we get into the car from them fussing at him and he falls apart, lays his head in my lap. He says he should have killed the perp when he had the chance. He said that he would sell his soul to the devil before going to live there again. It just killed me, I started crying and stopped the car.
An 8 year old should know nothing painful enough to consider selling their soul to the devil.......
The only good thing about his outbursts is that they climax sometimes and he lets a little more out.
Posted on Dec 16, 2009, 12:11 AM from IP address 24.179.10.134
how painful that was for you to hear! our girls expelled much of their pain verbally...initially it nearly killed me...i witnessed several terrifying outbursts..once i felt like i was 'witnessing' their abuses...mommabear2, just remember, the more he 'lets out'...the less he holds in!!...it sounds like your relationship is one that he feels so comfortable to express even the worst feelings...that's NOT easy for him to do, nor for you to hear...keep that line open..also, while some feel it important not express emotions to the kids...i felt and our therapist always told me that it is okay to cry...to let them know that we were hurt too!!....of course while we sob with them, we are assuring them it will be ok again...allowing them to see our pain is not a bad thing...even strong people cry....
Posted on Dec 16, 2009, 1:46 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
Gina, I had not cried in front of my daughter when this nightmare start it, I broke down 1 night while taking a shower at midnight. A couple of weeks ago BW therapist requested a "Family Session" since she felt that BW was stock and not moving forward because she felt that we were treating her different because of what happen. We did the Family Session, my Husband told her what he felt and why he has been acting so aloof of everything, but when my time came I started to cry before I even spoke.I am a big "Cry Baby" person, anything and everything sentimental makes me cry, even shows like Biggest Loser and Hame Makeover put me to tears. My girls know that and I think that because BW had NOT see me cry for her when she sees me cry for everything else, she felt that I did not care. The therapist says that after that session she has seen the difference and feels that she is finally moving forward, hopefully to even end Therapy withing the next few weeks. So I agree sometimes crying in front of them or with them could be a therapy on itself.
Bella
Posted on Dec 18, 2009, 9:11 AM from IP address 208.247.58.25
bella...i'm a big 'crybaby' too! when our girls disclosed i couldn't stop my tears...of course crying when we hurt and allowing our saddness to overcome us is totally different...our babes need to feel confident that while their abuse DID hurt us too...we can control our pain and make everything 'okay' again!! bella...there were many times i cried with my babies...
Posted on Dec 18, 2009, 4:16 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
I found this site today at a time when I didn't know what else to do. I am just now getting a few minutes to type though. My children were abused by my father in law. Disclosure was almost a year ago now and I'm not sure what's worse- the disgusting amount of "rights" he seems to have or the arrogance both he and his attorney have. Yesterday was supposed to be the second arraignment. Instead- it seems like we have another set of stall tactics. I thought I was past the point where I could cry at the drop of a hat but it seems to be back. I'm so very tired. I'm so very frustrated and I just want to curl into a corner and cry. I'm taking it out on my students for sure with a REALLY short temper and the week before Christmas means they are bouncing off the walls anyway and teenagers bouncing off the walls with a totally frazzled teacher doesn't bode well for anyone.
Does anyone have any secrets to getting through the day- for being strong and for not being a total flake? Yesterday after meeting with the prosecutor for almost two hours, I literally got lost going somewhere I have been hundreds of times. I literally had to call and ask for help! I feel like I'm going nuts...
Posted on Dec 15, 2009, 10:30 PM from IP address 66.21.135.19
Welcome. I havent been here long but it's already helped me to know that there are other parents dealing with the same things. Things that I can't say to real life friends, I can say here. I'm sorry that you're having to join us but I am glad you have found a place to talk. :)
I don't know if I can drop any profound Oprah-ish advice on you. I go crazy at least once a day and it varies. Tonight, I cried at a restaurant because I was just so exhausted by my wild children. LOL I didn't even care that this lady kept trying to give me that "bless your heart" straight smile.
What helps me: anti-depressant, hot bath, driving even 1 mile without my kids so I can jam out, watching horrible cheesy tv after everyone goes to sleep, FB, you guys :) I also break the tension by doing something really goofy with my kids, even if its dancing all crazy in the car. To hear them giggle makes me happy.
You have to bitch, scream, cry when you need to and find something, anything that relaxes you.
Try as hard as you can not to let your mind run away with the negative thoughts. We try so hard to control everything going on and sometimes you just have to rest.
Hugs
Posted on Dec 15, 2009, 11:58 PM from IP address 24.179.10.134
I guess for me it's talking it out with someone who understands. Theres only 2 people who I can talk to, my counselor and my sister. These people just listen and offer support without judging. you will find great support here as well. Try to take some time for yourself to relax. We too have court stuff pending and the waiting is really hard. I want some kind of closure so that maybe our family can begin healing. Just try to take things as they come rather than worry about whats going to happen.
Posted on Dec 16, 2009, 7:12 PM from IP address 71.231.127.145
I'm a teacher too so boy do I know what you mean about kids bouncing off walls. I finally threw in the towel today...they win. Tomorrow I am showing a video. I haven't totally given up because I've picked something somewhat educational and historically relevent but it isn't what we have been working on curriculum wise....but at this point I don't care. Ha...and wouldn't you know it....there hasn't been an administrator in my room in at least 15 weeks and one shows up today to 'spot check' what is happening around the school....are they kidding...two days before Christmas break...a room full of 7th graders and they think we are going to be moving forward with curriculum....ha...not going to happen. I would be upset about it but the teachers around me said the same thing....their classes are out of control and all the administrator saw in their rooms were video's and out of control kids.
As far as the court....here is the thing you need to understand...you are not the one prosecuting the perpetrator...that is the DA's job....don't allow yourself to get too worked up about what is happening with the criminal case because it will wear you out. Just let it move along at its incredibly slow pace and when it finally gets to a court room you'll be invited to attend. Otherwise put it totally out of your head....not worth losing sleep over.
Finally...how to get through the day....I will tell you this...my daughter disclosed in July and I had roughly 5 weeks before school resumed. I thought I would be able to teach but I was wrong. I was a total basket case. I guarantee that tax payers did not get their money's worth that year out of me. Some times we just have to give ourselves a break....what can you do to make your job more manageable? I went from term papers to term presentations that I graded in class while they presented. I went from grading everything myself to grading about half of the papers together in class. I will even admit to chucking a few sets of worksheets in the trash. I used a few 'mental health' days and called in sick just to stay home and catch up on things I need to do at home that were getting out of control because I had so many responsibilitys in my evenings with daughter's therapy and legal issues that I had to focus on. So short answer...make your work more manageable for you. Show a few extra video's this year....it won't hurt the kids in the long run. And just get through the year....when we are overwhelmed ourselves we can't be good teachers so you have to give yourself a break.
Hang in there....I am now 2 1/2 years past disclosure and it does get easier. You will have a life after this and it will be good again... there are still times the CSA creeps back and hits me again...but for the most part we are doing much better.
Dee
Posted on Dec 17, 2009, 9:32 PM from IP address 72.202.129.54
Some days are like that and you just have to ride them out.Some weeks are like that.I compare it to being stuck in an under tow you just have to swim parallel to the shore until it breaks it's grip...but you will get through it and we will be there to support you.During those times be gentle to yourself.Sending healing thoughts your way.
Posted on Dec 15, 2009, 3:04 PM from IP address 98.25.230.69
thank you for everyone's kind words...I get nothing like it anywhere else...don't know where I'd be if I didn't have this right now. Trying hard to stay strong for my son...
Posted on Dec 15, 2009, 3:10 PM from IP address 208.90.70.29
We all understand your feelings & those are "normal" feelings.
Some days, some weeks...are understandably like that. There were times when I couldn't do just "one-day-at-time"...it was acutally more like ONE-HOUR-AT-TIME...and that was/is okay.
Take it easy on yourself. Take care of yourself first, so you can take care of your son. I will pray for your peace & healing.
((hugs)), L
Posted on Dec 15, 2009, 3:21 PM from IP address 207.200.116.135
We've all been there...it does get better, really. Right after disclosure, I couldn't get through a day normally. It took a few months to regain any equilibrium. Don't be hard on yourself, know that this is normal, and that you WILL get through it. We're here.
{{{H}}}
CG
Posted on Dec 15, 2009, 6:13 PM from IP address 65.43.221.213
