The purpose of this message board is to provide encouragement to anyone whose life has been touched by sexual abuse. Through the sharing of our personal opinions, questions, fears and experiances we can support one another in efforts to heal from it's effects! For parents, and other caretakers who want online support regarding a child within a closed group environment, please click on the link below:
I'm so nervous but so excited! We go to court tomorrow to try and terminate my exes parental rights and for my hubby to adopt the girls! If he doesn't show we automatically get the adoption...if he shows up...well, I think we go to trial if he REALLY wants to fight this...I don't see why he would...he hasn't seen them for almost 2 YEARS! He might just try and fight it bc it's just in his nature. He doesn't really care about the girls(if he did he wouldn't have abused them in the first place)he just does things to make it hard on me. Always a fight! Oh man...the divorce was horrible...he didn't care about the girls' well-being...he just wanted to get back at me for leaving him...and he wanted control. Total control freak.
Well, thanks for listening to my rant :) Keep us in your prayers...we really need them...and I'll let you all know how it goes!!!
Lots of love and hugs to you all!
Bree :)
Posted on Nov 8, 2009, 11:53 AM from IP address 70.59.1.4
Yesterday my 11 year old D (who has never been abused as far as we know) came home from school very upset.She said she had a sub who made her very uncomfortable.He spoke to her alot,stayed near her,tried to give her the answers,asked what month she was born in and what year...strange stuff.She said she left class to go to the bathroom and cried.Needless to say I was concerned.I slept on it but decided to go to the principle.It's so hard to know what is right and wrong and how much of my reactions are shadowed by our experiences.Another little girl was asked where she lived and what her phone number was...ugh.
This D does not even know of her siblings csa as she is one of the 2 youngest and I really would like to let them remain innocent if I can....
Posted on Nov 6, 2009, 5:42 PM from IP address 98.25.230.69
E....
i think that childrens instincts can be very sharp, more so than we give them credit.. bravo that you are going to the principal. I would not hesitate to look into that more... good for you Im proud to know you!!!! hugz Debi
Posted on Nov 6, 2009, 6:11 PM from IP address 98.192.72.218
It is hard to know whether your feelings are "real" or overreactions. But I agree about kid's instincts! Even though the questions he asked your D could be innocent, the ones she said he asked the other girl were innapropriate. I don't think you have to tell your D about her sibs to respect her feelings and go to the school. I also think it's important for her to know that her instincts are important!
love you -
CG
Posted on Nov 7, 2009, 7:08 PM from IP address 65.43.208.30
and after investigating it was determined that the sub was "too familiar" with the girls so the situation will now be handled as a "personnel issue" I am satisfied I did the right thing...and glad I took my D seriously.She was very upset by this man...All is good.
Posted on Nov 7, 2009, 9:59 PM from IP address 98.25.230.69
E... I miss you too... so glad to hear that you had the courage to do that God knows what you have spared these little girls. Im also glad to hear that you were taken seriously.. A step in the right direction for ALL!!!! If only we could all know how to catch these guys in the "grooming stage".. So many would be spared the anguish of CSA..Tell your D that she is brave and beautifull!!! Im so proud of her!!!
hugs Debi
Posted on Nov 8, 2009, 7:29 AM from IP address 98.192.72.218
Venting more...! re; clarifying more of my situation, other childen in danger...
by L
If any1 read my earlier post about DHS...
How come it was so important for them to come here 1st to make sure my daughter was supervised during visits...& they (DHS)even the police went to his g/friends (this is all his account) to disclose he was a reg. SO...she kicks him out, or he left or whatever I don't care (well I'm concerned about the kids obviously)...and within a month he's living back with her!? how can that even happen? Should I call DHS to figure out? guess a call/it is anoymous right?
Thanks again for any input...this crap re-lived again is making me a basket-case...but a protective, loving Mama...want no more victims kinda' case!
K....better get some rest for my lil' one...(learned that from the years) have to take care of me for her...etc....
Posted on Nov 5, 2009, 11:04 PM from IP address 207.200.116.135
Re: Venting more...! re; clarifying more of my situation, other childen in danger...
by
I'd call the person assigned to monitor him as an SO. It may or may not be anonymous... you'd probably be taken more seriously if you told them who you are. They would have to be idiots to let him know that you brought it up -- I wouldn't worry about him finding out.
It's tough to keep really close tabs on all the SO's out there, I imagine. Not trying to make excuses for them -- but you know the saying about the squeaky wheel, right?
take care,
b
Posted on Nov 6, 2009, 9:18 AM from IP address 198.179.173.2
if i am understanding you correctly, this guy's girlfriend has children and DHS has already gotten involved due to his being a registered offender?...if he is again living there under these circumstances i would call and report it!...this mother can loose her children, here in michigan it is what is known as 'failure to protect' and is taken VERY seriously by the authorities.
Posted on Nov 6, 2009, 10:05 AM from IP address 98.224.224.223
I agree with Blurrb that the squeaky wheel, etc. etc. These offices are often understaffed, and the staff they have has a high turnover rate. (A lawyer told me that.) Everything I've ever read on this site confirms the idea of squeaking!
I hope your care and compassion for another woman's children will be rewarded!
CG
Posted on Nov 6, 2009, 10:13 AM from IP address 65.43.208.30
Re: Venting more...! re; clarifying more of my situation, other childen in danger...
by Angie
It's so frustrating to have these perps roaming the streets. I also dont understand the women who put their kids in danger by letting them be around when they already know what is going on. My nephews girlfriend is having a baby with him when she knows he's under investigation for rape. I hope DHS does something!
Posted on Nov 6, 2009, 1:05 PM from IP address 71.231.127.145
I've been meaning to post this for a while, and now seems like a great time. This is the lyrics of a song I heard, that made me think of the board and all the wonderful help I've gotten here. When I could barely make it through a few hours without breaking down, you all are what saved my life. Literally. As I continue to pick my way through the debris of what was once my life, and try to create a new reality, and heal my family, I continue to think of this as my one safe place. So, here it is!
SISTER
When you're alone and feeling blue,
always know there's someone reaching for you.
When you see black, feel empty inside,
I am the light flooding darkness aside.
Sister, you're understood,
Sister, we'll make it good,
Sister, I know the places you hide,
Sister, I'm by your side.
When I am weak, you are strong,
When I hold back, you pull me along.
When I'm afraid, and lock my heart,
You bring the key, lead me out of the dark.
Sister, I'm understood,
Sister, we'll make it good,
Sister, you know the places I hide,
Sister, you're by my side.
I know it's hard, life can be cruel.
Just take my hand we'll make it through.
Together we stand we shall not fall
Never give up, we'll have it all.
Sister, you're understood,
Sister, we'll make it good,
Sister, I know the places you hide,
Sister, I'm by your side.
Love to all,
CG
Posted on Nov 5, 2009, 10:32 PM from IP address 65.43.208.30
I have 3 kids a daughter 14 and 2 sons 4 & 5. My daughter disclosed her abuse by my nephew last January. I'm still worried about the boys and if anything happened to them. My 5 year old is scared of the dark and starting to be scared of going to the bathroom alone. My 4 year old was a very late potty trainer and has nightmares. I have talked to them about touching and they have denied anything happening. Today I asked my 5 year old if anyone had ever touched him and he said no. But then he started talking about a secret he had about something he was going to do. No matter what I said he wouldnt tell me even when I said I wouldnt be mad or tell anyone. If I pushed the issue he would get upset and say I cant tell you. I know he is a 5 year old and Im an overprotective parent but I dread hearing that word secret. Im afraid to know if something happened to them like I wouldnt be able to handle it again. What do you guys think I should do?
Posted on Nov 5, 2009, 5:48 PM from IP address 71.231.127.145
There are counselors who are trained to deal with situations exactly like this. Your kids may be afraid to tell you -- and not out of anything you've done, but just because they fear the consequences or don't want to upset you anymore. Someone trained in dealing with this would be your best bet, I think.
I'm sorry you are here.
take care,
becky
Posted on Nov 5, 2009, 6:21 PM from IP address 174.100.166.206
Angie I would start by seeing if he might disclose his secret to a trusted family member or close friend.He is 5 he may have heard the word secret and made a connection to that word.He may be holding an innocent secret like a Christmas gift and wants to surprise you.He may have sensed your anxiety and become more stressed...Just take a deep breath and take one step at a time.I understand your anxiety.Remember 5 of my children disclosed all at different times.I am easily rattled when anything is said that could remotely be a problem...I am quick to panic.I understand but take a breath and take it slow.I am here if you need me.(((hugs)))
Posted on Nov 5, 2009, 9:20 PM from IP address 98.25.230.69
Angie, I totally understand your feelings of worry about the boys. Since my D disclosed, I get nervous if any of her other brothers show her any affection - which is so sad. And any little thing she says can freak me out. That said, it is highly possible that your sons are reacting to the tension and drama that has been going on at home. If you've told them nothing or everything about the abuse or it's something in between - they are going to have their own issues. They need help coping with their feelings, but it doesn't mean they've been abused. I like the idea of having a trusted friend ask them - they could very well be trying to protect you. (From whatever - their feelings, their little problems, etc.)Take a deep breath, don't panic, and continue to investigate.
Big cyber {H}
CG
Posted on Nov 5, 2009, 9:33 PM from IP address 65.43.208.30
Thanks for the responses. I know maybe I'm overreacting but it's hard not to. E you must be one of the strongest people I know. Sometimes the waiting and wondering just eats away at me. I try to breathe and not worry but it doesnt always work.
Posted on Nov 6, 2009, 1:11 PM from IP address 71.231.127.145
We discovered yesterday that the daycare provider in my son's case is still running her business - illegally since her license was SUSPENDED due to child neglect and maltreatment. She's running the business under a different name. This shows a total lack of supervision and ineffective policies on the part of DSHS. On the DSHS website, it still shows that she is "fully licensed" although we have a copy of the administrative order showing that it is SUSPENDED. Also, the website only identifies the provider by her name - not the names of her daycares, so no one could ever match them up. I am truly disgusted with this State-run entity and am inclined to push the State legislature to make even more budget cuts to this poorly run institution. Just GROSS.
Posted on Nov 3, 2009, 5:14 PM from IP address 64.62.119.46
OMG that's truly horrible! Is there any way to publicize the supppension? Of course you should check first, but if you're talking about a real legal thing, I would think you couldn't be sued for libel.
How's your S?
CG
Posted on Nov 5, 2009, 4:39 PM from IP address 65.43.208.30
Why is he still able to see his child at all? Over 2 years
ago when I learned my h had been abusing my older daughter,
the police and child protective services became involved and of
course he was removed. We are STILL waiting for trial and he's walkin
around free until that day. BUT, after about 6 monthly hearings
his parental rights were relinquished. He ended up signing papers
that terminated his parental rights but he is still responsible to
pay child support on his little girl. I am still scratching my
head as to why your state is allowing this man to be around your
child at all? If you want to talk more we can trade emails.
I'd be a basket case if I ever had to worry about him seeing my
daughter! Good Luck.
Posted on Nov 3, 2009, 4:56 AM from IP address 74.212.16.74
I'm sorry you are here too. I'm so glad your were able to get your child away from him. I'm not sure why your state hasn't prosucuted him yet?, it was about 6+ mos. for mine. I does take the state some time for discovery...
The more I press court action, the more he gets creepy, going to her school etc, sending manupilating messages to me and even her via e-mail and phone. So I get scared. We went thru this last year; and from my state via DHS & also DA victims assistance, they said I could not get a restaining order since he wasn't being threating...only family court. When I orginally got a restraining order back 10 yrs ago, he was coming around more; and after him being in prison he has more people in low places....watching my every move...I'm not sure what is worse, before prison or after...honesly after is even worse, cuz' they are out for revenge...and it's typical for a chi-mo to blame the mother! of course during his years in prison..it was peace. I should have taken action while he was in. I was/am stupid...now he is living w/new kids & has that women muniplated..& now she tries to get in the middle w/out a clue... it's such a long story.
I want to go to court; but scared, plus from my attorney (thru legal assistance, far from free tho), will costs thousands of $'s which I don't have. I did go through legal assistance...but still cost alot of money... how did you go thru 6 mos. of hearings? Where you blessed w/money, or got help from another source? Was that just thru mediation, attornies or thru a court/judge? I feel stuck and frustrated w/the whole system. But I realize after 2 years of MORE HELL from him; I have to get someway to gain the strength for her...it's a long story...but I know we have gone thru nearly 10 yrs of hell, enough is enough. I'm so thankful for this site...to know I'm not alone....2 years ago when he got out, I could find nothing, for parents...I prayed and prayed...and finally...God Bless you all...we shall overcome and our children will be protected!
Sorry...I'm rambling, but hey...that's what what we do...when we have these down times right?
I appreciate so much your kind words, and again sorry you are here also...Praying for all of us...thank you again...! God Bless You and your continued recovery...! Yes, I would love to exchange e-mails not sure how to do it, I'm scared even writing on here? Again, thankful you have your daughter safe...!
Posted on Nov 3, 2009, 10:39 PM from IP address 207.200.116.135
No. I didn't pay a thing for those 6 months of hearings. It was family court and it was all done through the state, in other words, if I wanted to let him see her....(WHICH NO WAY WOULD I) but It would have been up to the state. This was state family court and they said most times it takes 1 hearing a month for up to 12 months. I missed 22 days of work due to the court for these hearing along with divorce hearings and other pre trial felony criminal hearings for him which have now to date been put off 3 times by the defense. I dont know the exact nature of what your H did but
I dont understand while child protection in your state hasnt stepped in and
made sure he is away from her? I'm not sure how we could exchange emails either but if anyone else reads this can u let us know if there is a way we can do this without having everyone here see it? I cannot fathom that there is a state out there that would not do what my state did to protect her from her father.
I look forward to hearing from you again!
Posted on Nov 4, 2009, 6:59 AM from IP address 208.111.202.222
To you both - I"m so sorry for the terrible situations you find yourselves in. I think those of you whose husbands are the abusers are so very brave - it's not easy to do any of this, and you're doing it alone. L - do you have a current lawyer?? Because I would think s/he'd be the one to know how to keep the dad out of your daughter's life. It's crazy - didn't yousay he'd been in jail already????
Anyway, to e-mail each other, just post your e-mail in your post, or when you're typing a message, if you enter your e-mail on the top, your "name" will be underlined, and that's an e-mail link. Most of us have a separate e-mail account that we use just for CSA.
Wishing you both strength and love,
CG
Posted on Nov 4, 2009, 7:53 PM from IP address 65.43.208.30
Yes, I have an attorney but will cost $...
To clarify...the SO molested my oldest daugther (non-joint) child nearly 10 years ago, then 3 yrs. later molested her friend.(found out about my oldest daughters assualt at grand jury)...Anyway
Our biological child was not a victim she was an infant; but nearly 2 years away from the same age as the assualt on my oldest back then. Yes, he did years in prison. now out, and not understanding why I won't allow non-supervised visits. The state/my attorney says he would be lucky to get supervised visits from a court appointed state superviser...if none/no custody. But regardless, this state will not help with any finances...maybe because she wasn't the direct victim?...makes no sense. But I shouldn't be scared? Have a right to keep him away...The DA vicitim's assistance says he has threatned anything to get a restraing order while my court action is even in place...but the police & even the school principal say go in front of the judge anyway they will testify...guess I'm just scared even for my own being/my life, I'm all she has...she is my LIFE....
But I will keep plugging forward. And yes, DHS has made a visit (another long story) here and ....to his g/friends house (w/kids) as he did not disclouse he is a registered sex offender...and as far as I know the state still has done nothing. And he's grooming those kids as we speak! in the prime age that he assults!
Then about once a year she pressures him to go to court ( i'm sure he didn't disclouse my oldest daughter was the victim) and she makes me out to be the bad guy...etc..., and they send these malicious/maliputlite notes that my/ "our" daughter will be a part of their family...and they are healthy, etc...Sick huh? they just started this up again, and when I withdraw...& camly explain I cannot have contact as directed from my attorney , the police and my therapist... he keeps creeping up more and more.. even at her school! Is it just me or just my state just suck at this matter?! Blahhhhhh
Well, prayers would be appreciated....hope this makes sense?
Thanks for the info on the email addy too! Appreciate it and this site so much....!....
What's up ^ with all that fighting up there site mangager, someone? That's sad, and most of this hardly have the strenght to express, type on here...sad...
Well...thanks again...Appreciate the prayers and strength, to get thru' this, and keeping my baby safe,I'm searching for a pro-bono attorney, but not having any luck so far!
I'm rambling....again........;O! Thank you all...God Bless You to you and yours!
Posted on Nov 5, 2009, 10:46 PM from IP address 207.200.116.135
L, your state should be sued!!! Of course you have the right to be scared for your D! It's so hard to understand moms (the girlfriends) who would put their kids at risk. THis isn't even inuendo - the man went to JAIL - does she believe he was innocent??
Try to ignore that fighting. I don't know why they are coming to this board to attack Gina, but I will tell you she's never been anything but kind to me or my board friends. I have, unfortunately, been here since April, and I've never seen any posts (from anyone) that were not supportive.
Stay strong - you're doing all the right things-
CG
Posted on Nov 7, 2009, 11:15 PM from IP address 65.43.208.30
So sorry that you have to be here. your siruation is horrible, after reading I wonder if it is 100% neccesary that you speak to him AT ALL.. I think it only damaging to you and yours to do so. These guys are so sick and twisted (manipulative) as well as the women that keep company with them. As if it werent hard enough on us moms already, Can you cut off contact with him??? If so, do yourself a favor.... Change your phone number whatever it takes. Moving did a lot for me.. If that is possible in your case that may be something to concider as well. Use the help of your therapist if youcan as well. Im not sure If I could containmysel;f If I had to see myy D's dad again. Not sure I can If our case ever makes it to grand jury.. I know it will take all I have in me to not jump him. We are here for you. Talk to Blurrrb she has lots of insight on legal....
hugs Debi
Posted on Nov 8, 2009, 7:42 AM from IP address 98.192.72.218
