The purpose of this message board is to provide encouragement to anyone whose life has been touched by sexual abuse. Through the sharing of our personal opinions, questions, fears and experiances we can support one another in efforts to heal from it's effects! For parents, and other caretakers who want online support regarding a child within a closed group environment, please click on the link below:
I am about a week and a half away from the one year anniversary of disclosure.I find myself being very stressed and feeling gloomy...My DD had disclosed a year ago in March but once her brother disclosed she opened up more also.So what I thought was relatively mild abuse I found out was severe....This anniversary is the anniversary of when there was no more hiding...We had serious issues.CSA was a part of our story... everything I thought my life was it wasn't...the life I thought I had given my children I did not...deep sighs!! So I am just trying to prepare myself to deal with these feelings again..I can do this.Get through it and move on!
Posted on Oct 15, 2009, 6:45 PM from IP address 98.25.230.69
we all know what it's like! anniversarys can be disabling...i can totally relate to your feelings of "everything I thought my life was, it wasn't"!!! i felt exactly the same...BUT...it can get to where you want it to be again!...you will get through this 'little' bump in the road...i am so sorry that you're feeling so sad...take gentle care...thinking of you...BIG hugs, gina
Posted on Oct 15, 2009, 8:37 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
if you're a failure, than so am i...and so is every other mom here...so you see...you are NOT!...this group of mom's has done EVERYTHING possible to keep their child/ren safe and bring them to a place of healing!...think about those out there who KNOW about the abuse in their families and does NOTHING...e, sweetie...you're a wonderful mother and great friend...give yourself a break today...burn some sweet smelling candles, take a hot bath, drink some green tea and RELAX..you deserve it!! Then enjoy your kids...watch a movie, eat some popcorn and cherish every moment together...you're a GOOD mom, never forget that!!!
Posted on Oct 16, 2009, 8:22 AM from IP address 98.224.224.223
I just wanted to offer another way to look at it. One year ago your daughter felt safe enough to release all her monsters. One year ago your daughter had faith that the answers to her suffering were in telling you. One year ago your baby took a huge step forward. Sounds like a day to celebrate to me.
At our house July 9 is that day. We have had two anniversaries and I had a party both times. I don't tell my little angel why we are having a cook out and swim party with all our friends...but in my heart I know that this is my celebration for her...celebrating the end of the evil in her life and the beginning of a better future.
Maybe you can find a way to re-frame this anniversary so that instead of being a painful reminder of what was a painful event it becomes a celbration of what she has gained.
Dee
Posted on Oct 15, 2009, 11:16 PM from IP address 72.202.136.182
That is a great way of looking at it.October 27 is the anniversary of when my son disclosed that he had been r**** by 2 adult men while away at a Christian camp.For 16 years he carried his secret.We fought alcohol and drug abuse issues.Suicidal tendencies and depression and I never knew why until last year.I do have much to be thankful for...he is doing well,so is my daughter and our other 3 children who disclosed after that.There was such a whirl wind of disclosures it was hard to know what was next.I had actually prided myself on the fact that I had kept my children safe from abuse by being (or I thought) very vigilant in protecting them.Finding out how much I missed breaks my heart but we all understand that don't we? 5 of my 8 children have been abused the daughter and son I speak of suffered the most severe abuse...You are right I need to look at this anniversary in a different light.Our demons are out and we have begun to heal...Thank you.
Posted on Oct 16, 2009, 7:07 AM from IP address 98.25.230.69
Anniversary dates are tough. You may not quite be ready for Dee's idea, but I'll share with you a story I heard at OA(Overeaters Anonymous). One woman said that on the anniversary of her husband's death every year, she would plan an entire day's eating binge to get through. After being in OA for a while, the date was rolling around, and she was determined to change how she coped. So she carefully planned a day with friends around her, doing things she would enjoy, that didn't involve eating. And she was sucessful! The thing about this woman, and Dee, is that they both acknowledge the huge power that anniversary dates can have. I wonder what others on the board do?? Maybe we can start a string asking people.
Try to take comfort in the fact that your kids all still speak to each other, and express love for each other. That HAS to mean that there was a great base there - a base you and DH laid for them.
Love and Hugs,
CG
Posted on Oct 19, 2009, 3:13 PM from IP address 65.43.218.125
sorry liz..are you a wife of an offender looking for support or...did your husband sexually abuse your children?...your post isn't real clear...thanks..gina
Posted on Oct 13, 2009, 4:59 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
I am wearing the same pair of shoes you are. My husband has been in jail for a little over 2 years for sexually abousing my daughter. It is hard, but you will get through it. The guilt I felt/feel about getting involved with someone who could such horrible things makes me second guess myself and wonder if anything I am doing is right. The other guilt is for not protecting my daughter in time of need, and wishing I would have listened to my gut feelings when I thought something was wrong. The most important thing you can do you is not punish yourself for something your husband did, you didn't make him do it. The other thing is make sure you are getting counseling to help regroup and get your life back in order. It takes time, and I don't think any one person's situation takes the same amount of time as the next person. It is a form of grief to work through everything, and as in the death of a loved one, each person's grief takes it's own path and time pattern. May God blees you and keep you strong. Remember God only gives us what we can handle, no more.
Posted on Oct 18, 2009, 6:35 PM from IP address 98.134.227.76
I have been searching the web tonight looking for help. My daughter is the victim of being sexually abused for years by her step dad. It has now been a little over 2 years since his arrest and our relationship is the worst it has ever been. She is 15, and hates me for anything and everything. She does not respect anything I say, we continually fight. I realize most of it is more related to being 15 than the abuse, but the abuse is the driving force of her anger. I did not know the abuse was going on, until the night I walked in on it, and then had my ex husband arrested. How do I do I repair my relationship with this precious child who has had so much taken away from her?
Posted on Oct 11, 2009, 1:56 AM from IP address 96.15.169.18
First of all let me say I am sorry you are here but welcome.I am glad you found this site.I am the mother of 8 and within the last year have found out that 5 were victims of csa.This site helped me through the darkest times of my life.I hope it will do the same for you.It seems it's the first question we all ask when someone first comes...Have you and your daughter had counseling with a counselor who specializes in csa? If not please find one immediately.Also with my daughter I tried to help her find sites like this for herself so she would not feel so alone.After the silence is one and Pandoras? I can't remember the whole name but maybe you could google it.Both sites have special areas for teens.For my D this did not work out.Hearing others stories just overwhelmed her but it may be good for yours.I def would not do that without having her in counseling also...I just think good counseling is a must.I hope this helped in some small way.I know others will come along with better advise.Again I am so sorry you are here but glad you found us.
Posted on Oct 11, 2009, 9:12 AM from IP address 98.25.230.69
Thanks for the info. She has been in counseling as soon as the perpetrator was arrested. I believe she is making progress in regards to dealing with what happen to her physically, and she know she's is now to blame. She is just so ANGRY at me for everything. If I ask her a question, I'm "up in her business", if I don't ask her anything "I don't care." I hear at least once a day,"I hate you," or "F*** you B****" and she does not respect anything about me. That is where I am so frustrated. I love this child more than my own life, and I feel like I'm loosing her again. I have worked hard on not being over protecting, but she definitely pushes the limits with that. This scares me to death.
Posted on Oct 11, 2009, 11:05 AM from IP address 96.15.169.18
Leona, welcome even if it is in this circumstances. First of all do not blame yourself, it is not your fault. Your daughter will be OK. as to how to repair your relationship, try going to some sort of therapy group or the 2 of you together and let her know the truth, she will see sooner or later that you have done right by her. Just be there for her, praise her, support her in other words be her mom. Try to do things like going shopping, go to the movies, have a dinner date and try to spend sometime together, also see if you can be some sort of riend, don't expect her to come to you for everything, no teenager does, but if you support her and let her know that you are there for her, she will see it.
Just my ramble thoughts and thank you for your message. I am very proud of my daughter, she manage to have her closure and thank god our relationship is good. But then her abuse was at the hands of her teacher and not a family member thank god, that I believe it makes a huge difference.
My prayers will be woth you.
Bella
Posted on Oct 13, 2009, 2:29 PM from IP address 208.247.58.25
I'm so sorry you've the need to find us but very glad that you did :) It sounds like your daughter is INCREDIBLY angry. And I have to agree that her anger probably does stem from the abuse...and she is taking all of her frustrations out on you. The one person she knows who will always be there for her. My girls' therapist said that it's better to be angry and sad and frustrated than to be numb and not feel anything at all! I like Bella's idea about counseling with the two of you...it might help her see that you are there for her and it's OK to be angry. She just needs a better way to vent her frustrations...maybe you can tell her all of your feelings...about the abuse. Tell her how hard is for you as well...hang in there mom! I have a 6 yr old that is incredibly angry as well...it's hard but I love her with all of my being but I get so frustrated with her...these perps don't understand(and some don't care) how they have hurt so many with just one act of betrayal.
Hugs,
Bree :)
P.S. Don't be a stranger...we all understand your pain and want to be here for you and help you get through this...bc there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel!!!
Posted on Oct 13, 2009, 7:38 PM from IP address 67.40.39.207
Hi everyone. I talked to the police investigator and she is going to try and get my dds case in with the Grand Jury which is convening on Monday. I know theyll meet for a couple weeks and I really wasnt supposed to know when they were convening but my mil works for a lawyer and found out for me. Please pray that the investigator gets the case in quickly with as much of the evidence as she can. If they dont get it in this time we will have to wait until after Christmas to see the scum bag arrested! I dont think I could wait that long knowing that jerk was enjoying a nice friendly Christmas with OUR family at that while we have been treated like a pack of lepers.
I think thats what gets me the most. This guy is my husband cousin and my husbands aunts, uncles and grandfather and even his mom on some levels is protecting this guy because he had a bad childhood. Who hasnt? They also think apparently even though he confessed its ok bc he is claiming my husbands step dad hit him when he walked in on him and that is punishment enough. I dont think so. In any case this is a total family war, and my husband and myself are filing a civil suit against his aunt, uncle and cousin for helping the abuser flee across state lines then trying to hide him in an institution. They went on record (taped) saying he confessed to them and they had a written confession then turned around and lawyered up. It makes me sick. So please pray because with the holidays coming, I dont think I can keep my cool with my dhs family if they so much as send a Christmas card. This monster needs to be indicted.
Posted on Oct 10, 2009, 12:16 PM from IP address 97.82.253.195
all of you ladies are so incredible!!! i am so thankful to have found you.
Just feeling yuck today. My sons who are living with another family till they complete their offender program are having trouble. My oldest is now having suicidal thoughts and he is getting really down. so all day on the phone trying to find a councelor who deals with teens. he is seeing his meds doc on tueday to tweek the meds ugh! The offender therapist says that the boys dont want to come home!! It is going to be impossible to put a saftey plan in place with 8 other kids in the house, and they dont want to stress me out or mess up again!! I guess thats good that they are not thinking of themselves, but i get so angry. If i did not have all these kids i could manage to unite my family!!! This is not the first time that having a large family is working against me!! i am getting so tired of doing this. I love my kids, but now i am regretting having all of them, that is so terrible to say!!!!
the offender therapist also says that the relationship between the two boys is not healthy and they need to have separate rooms and have more individual time away from each other. How is that supposed to happen? She and the P.O. are going to talk to the family and see if they can empty out another room (they are packrats) for one of them since this is now turning into a long term arrangement.
We are lucky to have this family, and they really love the boys, and have no problem keeping them till they are 18 can you beleive that, so incredible!!!!
This is so difficult having to talk with teachers, and girlfriends mothers and the family, and providing all their needs and a monthly check to the family for food and board! doing all the maintanence for the two being 45 min away from us. Now i will be doing it long term, is just plain sucks!!!!
sorry for being so negative, definately having a blech day!
em
Posted on Oct 8, 2009, 1:42 PM from IP address 68.55.213.157
So sad to see so many new names... but so very glad they found this site. It was my lifeline for a couple of years there. Welcome, all. And gigantic HUGS to each of you.
Things here are going alright... not great, just alright. Summer was grueling with all the kids home and I was so looking forward to school starting so I could pull the house back into order and spend some time with my amazing baby who is just the sweetest... and really deserves more attention than she is getting. So I was looking forward to that... school started finally on Sept. 1st and on the 11th our landlords told us they need to sell the house NOW and it is going on the market. So now there is a big, ol' FOR SALE sign on my front yard. Blech... This has been our house of healing. We moved her about 7 mos or so after my daughter's disclosure. The perp (her half-brother) doesn't know where we live, and she likes it like that. So we need to leave this lovely, safe, healing home. I am so sad. And stressed.
BUT... the kids are all doing really well. My stepson was released from his residential program (graduated from it) and is now living with his psycho mother and going to public high school for his senior year of high school. My husband says he is doing really well. He is such a sweet kid... with the exception of being a molester... big exception, unfortunately. I really do wish him well. And I have such strong feelings about what happened. They don't eat at me anymore. They rarely surface. Pretty much only when I am really tired or hungry or stressed... like now! lol
So that's my update... things going pretty well. Baby's crawling! Today marks 7 months since she was born... yay!
peace to you all,
Nonnie
Posted on Oct 8, 2009, 1:05 AM from IP address 76.200.187.41
It's good to see you.I have been thinking about you a lot and wondering how you were.I'll pray for a new house for you where you can again build wonderful new memories:) (((hugs)))
Posted on Oct 8, 2009, 6:56 AM from IP address 98.25.230.69
Thanks so much! It is so hard. I LOVE my house. It will be really hard to take a step down from it... so I am holding out in the hope that I find a real gem!
Posted on Oct 9, 2009, 10:48 PM from IP address 76.200.187.41
nonnie! thanks for popping in...glad the kiddies are doing well...i've seen ya on yahoo and wanted to say hi, but i know how busy our lives get so i didn't...good seeing you here!
Posted on Oct 8, 2009, 4:19 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
Gina... always feel free to buzz me! I am on a lot at night... looking for a place to live! I could use a jolt out of the obsession. BTW... she looks so cute in the striped pants and onesie! She outgrew the smaller stuff already. You and your girls are too sweet! I should send you some pictures. But you can look on FB for some recent ones.
love to you...
Posted on Oct 9, 2009, 10:47 PM from IP address 76.200.187.41
Okay - I need opinions! I'm feeling kind of crazy. I can't decide if my S's behavior is just normal teenager, or he's really someone I don't know anymore. If I had abused my sibling, and now I was home for the first time, I'd be trying to show what a great kid I was. I'd be going to the family activities when asked to, helping out, not leaving my stuff all over the living room, and being offended when asked to move it for company, and I surely wouldn't be staying out late (like 2 or 3 am) with my friends. Without telling anyone I was even leaving the house. (BTW - S is 18).
S worked all summer, very hard. He was supposed to pay off his therapist debt that was uncovered by insurance ($1,500). I didn't handle this, but I didn't think he had finished paying. But he came home with a new iPod, and a new guitar. He needs new shoes, and assumes I'll buy them. He wears contacts, and assumes I'll take care of all that, too. (These are expenses I would indeed normally pay.)
I feel like screaming at him. Loudly. Pulling my hair out. I feel like describing how humiliating it was to go to CPS and a lawyer and have to say that my S abused my sweet little D. Maybe it was a mistake to let him come home now. I thought he'd be working to show what a good kid he could be, not just acting like nothing ever happened!
Should I talk to him honestly? Should I tell him my feelings on this? We don't have a T here, or I'd do it in a session.
CG
Posted on Oct 7, 2009, 8:31 AM from IP address 65.43.218.125
and acting out as a way of avoiding his real feelings about this... is my read, at least. Probably easier to deal with a parent who's pissed off with typical teenage crap--wasting money, staying out late, being messy--than acknowledging that he does have a debt to repay to you guys, and owes you all some serious explanations. I would read this as being his way of keeping a distance from you guys, so that there won't be any of the heartfelt conversations he's so terrified of.
Not sure I have much advice beyond enforcing the boundaries you normally would, and trying not to lash out (which is precisely what he wants, I think).
I can explain more by email...
Sorry it's not going as hoped.
becky
Posted on Oct 7, 2009, 9:48 AM from IP address 198.179.173.2
speaking from our personal experiances, our son showed no remorse for what he'd done to his sisters or our family! from what you've expressed about your son, i am not sure that is what is going on with him. you should absolutely speak TOTALLY honest with him and in doing so express your true feelings...at eighteen years old he will understand. after having an honest to goodness heart to heart, only then could you find what his feelings are! perhaps it is as blurrb points out, embarassment...perhaps not! if he shows no regret for how he's hurt his sister and family it would become clear in that conversation! our son, much younger at the time spoke clearly in his feelings, saying things like, "it was MY fault"..."i should have protected HIM"..."he didn't hurt our family"...not to mention whenever the girls were mentioned, he'd turn the covo back on himself, his needs...as if HE was most important.
Posted on Oct 7, 2009, 9:46 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
I tend to agree with blurrrb on this one.I think your son is embarrassed,ashamed,and feeling guilty.I think you need to talk about the "elephant in the room" I know it's hard but you need to get this stuff out.You can't heal if you don't deal with it.I'm sorry things have not been better.
Lv,
E
Posted on Oct 8, 2009, 11:38 AM from IP address 98.25.230.69
So much has happened in the last 2 months. My 4 year old son is phasing out of counseling and progressing very well at his new school and in general.
Also, the daycare provider's license was suspended and her daycare shut down. She attempted to stay (postpone) the suspension pending the outcome of the CPS investigation. The day of the administrative hearing, she failed to show up as did her lawyer to the hearing, and CPS issued a FOUNDED report of neglect/ negligent maltreatment against her, so the judge denied the stay. Meaning, her license is still suspended and she is not allowed to operate her business. She can still appeal CPS's findings. To date, no one has heard a peep from her or her lawyer.
Our 4 year old son's case was forwarded to the Prosecutor's office. We are awaiting potential charges - it looks like a strong case, particularly because the provider admitted wrongdoing on the part of her daughter and her daughter partially admitted wrongdoing (of course, she only admitted the things that were not the worst of what she actually did). I hope and pray that she is charged. This 13 year old girl is a sex offender. During the course of the investigation, we found out that the provider's daughter has had 1 prior incident in the daycare in which she exposed herself to a 3 year old and pulled down his pants as well. We also found out that she had been grooming the entire daycare community by orchestrating kissing between children and other children and children and herself. These things show her evolution as an offender - she went from "show and tell" to grooming to molestation of my son.
The gross thing about all of this is that the provider has continued to attack my son's character. She has also managed to garner support from her 2 close personal clientele friends, who have written letters of support for her business and letters that have demonized my son. One parent said my son needed "corrective behavioral adjustment." The other said that she's witnessed the type of personality he has. They both said his parents (us) are unresponsive to his behavior. I just can't believe that ADULTS would attack a 4 year old VICTIM and slander a family without any proof or knowledge of the family. What is wrong with these people - besides the fact that they're close friends with the provider who's attempted to slander our good names and that of our child? One of the parents has even continued to have this provider watch her 5 year old son since the allegations surfaced. She has actually been warned about the provider's 13 year old daughter's behavior and CHOOSES to expose her own child to sexual abuse. Again - what is wrong with this parent? Way to look out for the best interests of her son, right? I just hope the prosecutor and a judge see through this woman's b.s. She's managed to connive and deceive her close personal friends. A former employee whom the police interviewed during the investigation said that "personally, she would not want her own children at that daycare because it's not safe and there's no supervision." The same employee also said she has witnessed the provider slapping her own children in front of daycare children and yelling at all kids (including babies) at the daycare.
I'm feeling a little depleted. Any words of encouragement? Thanks everyone for your continued support.
Posted on Oct 6, 2009, 11:49 AM from IP address 76.121.225.231
you are so brave, and i feel your frustration and anger. I had some similar things happen I came to the conclusion that for some it is easier to keep the blinders on, and not to let the realality of the real evil in the world, not to mention the evil that is next to them, affect them. It is a protective thing, i guess. To me it seems common sense to not send your kid to a center that has been closed for abuse. But some get so caught up in being a good friend or their own needs that their judgement is blinded, they forget who they should be loving and who they should be protecting. You are not blind, you see!!! And you care because you love your son and love the other children. It is a gift that you love like that.
love and support
em
Posted on Oct 6, 2009, 1:32 PM from IP address 68.55.213.157
I once told a woman that she was inviting to her house a man who was on public record as a drug addict, and child abuser.(Not convicted of CSA - don't know why not) He was only allowed supervised visits with his own children. He had had his medical licence revoked. I wanted her to know because her children and step children had problems which would make them very vulnerable to abuse. She refused to believe that her husband's friend was any kind of problem. Not only that, but she told the man everything I said, and he sent me letters threatening to sue me!! All I wanted to do was protect her children. People see what they want to see, and shut out what they don't. This is how the cycle of abuse continues. It's sad. I know it's hard, but I think this crazy stuff vilifying your 4 year old (!) will go away. Stay strong - you're doing great!
CG
Posted on Oct 6, 2009, 11:13 PM from IP address 65.43.218.125
On Friday, my brave and strong daughter sat on the witness chair and told the judge that nobody could tell how much he had hurt her, he broke her heart and trust and deserved to go to jail for what he had done to her and her family and for the first time since this nightmare started, 7 long months ago, she cried. Came down from the stand and broke down in my arms right there in the courtroom.
We had a very big support sytem, everybody who had had something to do with the case was there. The detective, the SW from CPS, the SW from SVU, the principal of her school and us. I felt so proud that my baby was strong enough to do this for her. The defense lawyer, tried to make it look like, OK you had a great summer, you went to Florida and had fun, you and your friends have done many fun things during the summer, you really have a normal life, so you really are not as traumatized as your parents are making it sound. The judge did not like that. Our case was the last one of the day, we sat there for 25 cases, and the judge sentenced everybody to the minimum within the guidlines. So I really was not expecting anything but the minimum which was between 1 to 3 years.
The judge gave him 10 years with 5 years suspended, he will spend the next 5years in jail. He was handcuffed and taken to the back cells crying and I visibly saw my daughter take the biggest breath, look at me and give me the biggest smile I have seeing in a long time, she was relieved the nightmare is over, now we can start healing. Even the prosecutor told us that he was very surprise when the judge went above and beyond the guidelines, since he is known as the "guidelines judge". The prosecutor looked at me daughter and told her that he was very proud for having met such a brave young lady and that he really believed she was the one who made the difference, "you should be very happy".
Thank you to all of you for your support and now I can really say that we are going to be OK, my daughter and family will be moving forward and start healing. Hope that with time and God's help, my daughter will be able to forgive even if never forget. That is one thing that needs to happen before the healing can come completely, her soul needs to forgive to be at peace with herself, but it will not happen for a few years, for now just give thanks to God that the worst of it all is past us.
I pray that many more case will have the good outcome that ours had. I give thanks that CPS, the detective and everybody else involved have gone out of their way to get to the outcome we had. Thanks again for all your support I would not have come this far without all you help, support and insides. Thank you from the deepest of my heart, and I will continue to come and support anybody else who needs it, if I can be of anyhelp to anybody please feel free to contact me.
Bella
Posted on Oct 5, 2009, 9:14 AM from IP address 208.247.58.25
So proud of Bella and Bella's D! This is wonderful, and it sounds like you had some great people on your side too. I hope this does mark the beginning of healing, which you all deserve so much.
Posted on Oct 5, 2009, 1:02 PM from IP address 198.179.173.2
Bella, I'm so glad things went as they did. You should be so incredibly proud of your daughter! It makes me sick that the defense attorney was trying to make it sound like just because she's not sitting home crying all day unable to function that what was done to her doesn't have lasting effects. She's a strong girl, obviously, and she's going to get through this and be fine, in large part because of all the support she's received from her family.
KL
Posted on Oct 5, 2009, 7:29 PM from IP address 68.63.139.188
bella..thanks so much for sharing your family's experiances...you and your daughter will serve as an inspiration to many....this outcome will give hope to those who may not find it anywhere else...thank you, thank you for sharing!!! BIG BIG hugs to you and yours....gina
Posted on Oct 5, 2009, 8:54 PM from IP address 98.224.224.223
Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope to hear that the justice system has been effective for your family. I am comforted that that sick predator in your daughter's case is off the street. I pray your daughter continues to grow strong and flourish.
Posted on Oct 6, 2009, 11:51 AM from IP address 76.121.225.231
Your daughter is very brave, and don't let anyone tell her different. Standing in front of a room full of people and talking about sexual things is not easy for anyone, especially a child who has had to live through being abuse. Give her a giant hug and make sure she knows she did the right thing.
Posted on Oct 11, 2009, 11:17 AM from IP address 96.15.169.18
