The purpose of this message board is to provide encouragement to anyone whose life has been touched by sexual abuse. Through the sharing of our personal opinions, questions, fears and experiences we can support one another in efforts to heal from it's effects! For parents, and other caretakers who want online support regarding a child within a closed group environment, please click on the link below:
Found out that my 5 yr old son was abused by another child at his daycare a few days ago . He told myself and my husband. The child has been removed. My son was orally abused and rectally - he says he wants to go back to his daycare if the boy is no longer there as he said he hurt him. Not sure what to do. Think the daycare is great and staff are devastated; however something went wrong for that to happen. Heartbroken
Posted on Apr 1, 2012, 10:02 AM from IP address 188.8.131.52
Dear Lulu, So sorry you and your little guy are going thru this. I am relieved to hear that the other child has been taken out of the daycare. I hope they reported it and the other child will be getting some counseling because I am sure that child has also been abused. Get your little guy some counseling. I don't know about him going back there, that is your call as parents. I would have my doubts about it because maybe other children have been abused as well or another child in the daycare started the abuse. It is so devastating when this happens to our children. Get help for yourselves as well. As a parent you may also feel violated. Come back here and get support. We care. Healing takes time, be gentle with yourselves, Laura
Posted on Apr 1, 2012, 5:42 PM from IP address 184.108.40.206
Hi Laura - thanks for your kind words. I mis-typed my son's age he is actually 4 not 5. The other child was in the care system and living in a children's home, it seems he had been displaying some inappropriate behaviour towards staff at the daycare and children for some weeks prior to the incident with my son. My son says he wants to go back if the other boy is not there and as you say that is my choice - don't know what to do really. We have recently emmigrated and he has gone through such huge changes I want to try to keep things normal for him. The staff at the daycare are devastated - I feel sure he will be safe there but still a tough decision. My husband is really struggling - can't talk about it .
Posted on Apr 1, 2012, 7:46 PM from IP address 220.127.116.11
March 15, my world came crashing down. My husband of 2 years as of March 12, who is my 12 year old daughter's step father, lost his ever loving mind. He decided to masterbate infront of my daughter, touch her and said very disturbing things to her. Luckily she was able to lock herself in her room and let me know as soon as he fell asleep while I was at work. I went straight to the police station but I was stupid and called and confronted him, within ten minutes he was gone, left his cell phone, keys, everything except his clean clothes. The police caught him on March 20 and he admitted to everything. He is being charged with Aggravated Sexual Battary of a minor 12 and under. But guilt is eating my alive. I married this man, had sex with this man, invited this man into our lives and TRUSTED this man!!! Never would I have thought he would do any such thing. I was raped as a teen and I feel as I have been raped all over again. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust a man again. I have my daughter in counseling but between work, her counseling, meeting with detectives, court, etc, I have no time for myself for counseling. I am trying to get a divorce, bc I do not want to carry this man's name. I have applied for legal aid but they don't know if they will accept my case or not. This is humilating, embarrassing, heartbreaking, I am on this overwhelming emotional roller coaster and feel as I can't get off. Of course, I removed all his pictures that night, washed all my bedding, had my sister help me moved all his stuff to storage to try and help me deal better with this. But no matter what I do, I am letting my emotions get the best of me. Does anyone have any suggestions other than counseling to help me deal with this. We will be going before the Grand Jury within the next 2 months and I don't want to break down infront of this man. I want to be able to face him and let him know I will take this as far as I can take it, but if I don't figure out something I am afraid I will just break down in court and be a hot mess. His parents actually sent me an email say "you promised to never hurt our son. we were nothing but nice to you" - I didn't even respond, but look what he has done to my daughter, and they want to make him look like the victim, he even admitted to everything! Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Posted on Mar 31, 2012, 12:25 PM from IP address 18.104.22.168
I am so sorry about what has happened. You are in shock right now. I am so proud of you that you believed your daughter and reported that POS to the police. Thank God he was arrested. DON'T BACK DOWN, NO MATTER WHAT! My bet is that this pedophile has done this before and would do it again if it hadn't been for you!
It is incredibly sickening when someone we thought we could trust does something so disgusting. You were manipulated by him. These creeps are good at what they do, so please don't blame yourself-HE IS THE ONE AT FAULT HERE!
Focus on your daughter and yourself. Join a women's sexual assault support group-that helped me beyond words. AS her mother you are also a victim. Use your faith to get you thru and come here to get support. We all know how horrible this can be. By finding out about this now you can save your precious daughter years of pain. Please tell her how amazing and brave she is for telling you about that scum!
My daughter was raped by her older brother when she was 4 and he was 12. That was 14 yrs ago and she just recently told us. The damage is immense! Because your daughter has told you so soon after the fact her road of healing won't have to be so difficult. Keeping a sick secret like my daughter did does so much damage!! Your daughter won't ever have to live with her abuser again, thank God. Take care, Laura
Posted on Mar 31, 2012, 12:56 PM from IP address 22.214.171.124
I really am sorry to hear this. My second husband did the same thing to my 13 year old daughter. I found out in December. He is no longer in the home and has been charged with sexual exploitation and unlawful restraint. It is a very difficult situation. His mother is supporting him, by giving him a place to stay for free and paying all his legal bills.
I am trying to keep my head above water and I have three children. You did the right thing. All those emotions are normal. I am going through the same thing.
Some days are good, other days are really bad. Hang in there.
Posted on Mar 31, 2012, 3:20 PM from IP address 126.96.36.199
First, let me say how sorry I am that someone you trusted so completely has betrayed you and your daughter this way. I'm grateful that you found your way to this site-it's been a lifesaver. Please read earlier posts; you'll gain a lot of insight and strength knowing that others have been/are in your position and share your feelings. Everyone here gets it! I say go ahead and be a hot mess (at home or with supportive friends and family). You can't hold it together all the time. Can you take a relative or friend to court with you for support? I think that might help you get through it and let him know you've got support on your side. As far as his parents go, that's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard. I'm not surprised, though. It's amazing what perp supporters are willing to close their eyes to. Innocent children being hurt seem to come a distant second to their family member who commited the crime(s). Find support here. Is there a sexual assault group or hotline in your area? You wouldn't be the mother you are if you emotions didn't get the best of you while you're going through this horrible experience. You are doing absolutely all the right things!!! Firstly, you BELIEVED YOUR DAUGHTER!!!! She was able to come to you and you took action. You're being an excellent role-model for her and she'll be stronger for having you as her mother. Hang on and know that we're here for you.
Posted on Mar 31, 2012, 9:51 PM from IP address 188.8.131.52
know what you mean. It was my 2nd husband, the night I had to stay in the hospital b/c of having his baby is the night he started abusing my, then 12 yo daughter. As soon as he was out, I started selling everything of his. Each month I was able to sell enough to compensate and make my mortgage payment. We couldnt stand to be in the house and its now rented out until I can sell it. He refused to admit, even with the strong evidence, therefore, we are blessed that he will be serving 125-300 years, no parole! Even with that strong sentence its never enough, I still YEARN everyday to know that his life is miserable, I would love to see a pic of his cell, and know that his cellmate hates him and knows that he's a pedophile. His mom had the nerve to ask me to put our house up for his bail. Yeah right. Needless to say, even though now she is sick and dying, I WILL NOT have any contact with her and she will never speak to her granddaughter, she chose her son, its one thing to never stop loving your child no matter what, but its another to stare at the victims in a courtroom and be throwing us darts and swords as he is getting sentenced. ARGH! WASH your hands of anyone who supports him!
Posted on Apr 2, 2012, 8:57 AM from IP address 184.108.40.206
First time on this site and your words struck a chord with me. My daughter's stepfather also began sexually abusing her at the age of 12, inviting her into out bed and showing her pornography, then penetrating her and telling her he was teaching her what to do with men. This began within a month or two of my having married him; we had lived with him from the time she was 9 years old. She disclosed to me in September 2011 and I immediately called the police while my filthy husband slept and she and I left the house until he was removed via order of protection. It was all I could do not to take his gun and put it to his head before the police arrived.
So many unspeakable things had happened in those intervening years. He has been indicted, 18 felony counts and we will soon be going to trial, because he maintains to his family and attorney that we made this all up to take his house from him; I seriously doubt he will ever admit guilt. His family comes to each court hearing in support of him, and I feel such rage and pain because we once considered them our family too. Only my court advocate and the child advocate sit with me; I refuse to drag my friends through this misery and have no family where we live.
Hang in there, hold your head high and always always remember that you did nothing wrong. I struggle with that, not knowing sooner, not picking up on the little signs. We're preparing to talk with the prosecuting attorney next week in preparation for trial. I dread that too, fearing losing all control or fainting dead away during it all. The worst will be when my daughter is asked to testify, I can scarcely think about it and feel so utterly angry that she has to go through more still because of this animal.
May we all find peace and soon.
God hold you close.
Posted on Apr 9, 2012, 10:34 PM from IP address 220.127.116.11
I am glad to report, I was able to file for divorce, last Monday, April 9th, which was my daughter's 13th birthday. So it was an amazing present to us both. I feel as if I am atleast on the right track. My emotions have settled with the occasional break down. But I have learned to pick up the pieces of me and slowly put myself back together. My daughter is doing well in counseling. Just waiting on a court date now since he has been turned over to the Grand Jury. Thank you all for your support, it does ease my pain to know others know what I am going thru and I haven't completely lost my mind.
Posted on Apr 15, 2012, 11:28 AM from IP address 18.104.22.168
I hate to bother you with all of this but I was wondering what advice you can give me regarding this matter.
I know, now 100% that my daughter was sexually abused by someone at her Father's house, she is finally talking and articulating what has happened. Specifically her Uncle and some other person was involved (I didn't recognize the name she gave me). She told me that after it happened her Father gave her a "special toy" and immediately started talking about how much she missed that toy. I want to believe I heard wrong, I want to believe that this is all in my head and that I made a mistake and that I just heard her wrong. I don't want to believe that my ex and his family are some kind of sick pedophiles, I DO NOT want that for my little girl. Is that normal to want to deny the truth so bad, it hurts too much? Is it right for me to question everything that has happened over the course of a year, I want it to be a bad dream. Even writing this letter makes me sick.
See, my daughter is 4 years old now. I was caught up in the legal system before with this same issue about a year ago, (when she was three) because of disturbing behaviors she was displaying. 1) She was coming home from her father's house and immediately going next to her bed, pull down her pants and tried to defecate on the carpet. 2) She urinated on the carpet after coming back from her father's house 3) I would catch her inserting objects (pens, pencils, barbie toys) into her vagina after returning from her father's house 4) She started wetting her bed, prior to that had no problems with staying dry, the list goes on. Not only, but initially when these symptoms and signs appeared, I asked her "father." I asked him, "(My daughter's name) is displaying signs of sexual abuse, is there anyone you left her with? Any one you suspect? Even if it was just for a few minutes?" His response to me was anything but fatherly, he just lashed out and got angry said, "I don't know what you are talking about, she's fine! She doesn't do any of that over here! So it must be just your house!" I was questioning everything and everybody, I was a single mom, went to school full time, and worked I had no social life. I didn't have people at my house ever and I couldn't pin point anyone that would have done that on top of it all it was only my youngest child (I have two older children who haven't displayed any such symptoms and when questioned by the investigators denied anything like that ever happening to them), the only thing that linked together was her father(my children have different father's), that was the only common factor to her disturbing behavior.
I was told I did the "right thing" by the law, but I fail to recognize how; when there was nothing that they can do, because, "at her age, unfortunately, the court system does not take her word on what happened and the case would be more than likely be dismissed." I was told this same information by the sexual abuse clinic, social services, the investigator and the children's hospital sexual abuse floor, over and over again I was given the same story NO HOPE. It is so insanely stupid that they can't do anything until she is a teenager, by then the damage is so severe how do I just cope with it until then?
I tried to move away, but I never had the means financially to do so, so that I could remove her from the situation completely. I was forced to continue letting my daughter see her father to avoid him having control over her (he has never been on the birth certificate and I was trying to avoid him taking me to court for parental rights before I had a chance to run). I held the cards, if you understand what I mean? I stopped letting her have overnights with her father she only saw him for a few hours in the middle of the day, and the behavior slowly dissipated and she somewhat went back to normal (that is her symptoms were not as noticeable when she returned from her father's house).
Until, recently there was a snow storm and I was unable to pick her up at the designated time and place we had arranged. I was stuck in traffic, the highway was shut down, I had no choice! I had to let her stay with her father overnight. I didn't sleep all that night and I immediately picked her up from her father that following morning. Within hours of us returning home, she had accidents in her pants. Not once or twice but three times, the following day she wet her pants upwards of 6 times within a 6 hour period. This was not normal, she was fully potty trained, she hadn't had that many accidents in one day since she was in diapers. I immediately consulted with two psychiatrists (not child) that told me that one of two things could have happened 1) whatever happened (referring to the sexual abuse) could have happened again or 2) the overnight stay at her father's house re-emerged some repressed memories. They told me that I needed to report this again, but after telling them that I did, a year ago, get run through the loop holes, sat through interviews, investigations, doctor appointments, and the outburst of hysterical crying, nightmares and clingyness of my daughter shortly, after getting a physical exam and whatever else happened in that backroom of the rape center( I was not allowed in, so I have no idea what happened), I asked them why? Why should I report this incident again? Why should I bring her through more trauma and myself through more trauma (I was sexually abused as a child too it is so painstakingly horrible to endure watching my daughter go through this) when there is nothing the law can do to help me!?
I ran, I ran far far away. I skipped several states, overnights and I stopped when I couldn't drive anymore. I have tried so hard to keep my daughter safe. I am trying, so hard. I have recently got news that her sperm donor is saying things like, "the hunt is on!" to people. He is trying to find me, and I can't help but wonder and question myself. Is this normal? I just feel like I have uprooted my whole family, my children and life. I just wanted as much distance as possible.
I don't even know really why I wrote this to you. I really just want another opinion or some ideas of what to do now. Is counseling really going to help? If the law can't do anything, isn't it better to just let her slowly forget? How effective is counseling on a child that is so young? I do want my daughter to have help, but if I knew how to help her specifically pertaining to her emotions and processing what happened to her, I would. I still catch her doing strange things, but not nearly as often as she was before, it has now been two months since she has seen that man. If I check on her in the bath I catch her doing disturbing things sometimes, but it is never in public (at least not yet).
Thank you for any support you can give
Posted on Mar 30, 2012, 11:33 AM from IP address 22.214.171.124
I wish I had been suspicious when my (now 18 and just now know..) year old daughter was 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11.
I would have grabbed my girl and ran like hell from her father!!! good job ! You are a warrior mama and you are protecting your girl! there are Safe at Home programs in most states-contact them asap. get an untraceable address as you proceed with anything....i will be praying for you and wisdom. but, i mainly wanted to write to say another mama who loves her child who was abused too, send hugs and to let you know through my heart, you are not alone.
Posted on Mar 30, 2012, 5:37 PM from IP address 126.96.36.199
Thank you, especially for your prayers. I pray everyday that God will intercede and give him no means or ability to actually find me. I have tried to do the untraceable address, but it is just so hard. Anytime the credit companies find out where you live, it seems that it is automatically exchanged to public information. My only hope is that he will be too stupid to be able to accomplish anything and that anything he tries will be a miserable disappointment for him. I will look into the safe at home program and hopefully find one in my area.
Thank you and I am so sorry that you had/are enduring the same situation.
Posted on Mar 30, 2012, 5:50 PM from IP address 188.8.131.52
You incredibly brave woman, I am sitting here reading your story and I have goosebumps.
My daughter's symptoms started when she was just 3 and they were very similar. She never fully potty trained, and I knew it was fishy. Behaviors, etc. Father acted the same way - I don't have those problems, etc.
But, since her father is not on the birth certificate, he has NO rights to her. Let him sue. Do you think he will actually try it, or is more the type to make big threats and do nothing? At any rate, by the time he does, you're settled in a new state, she is doing better and will be old enough to communicate. He will have to show that he is the father. Is he her biological father?
Here are a few reasons I think counseling is important:
They can process her trauma in ways that you may not be able to. It sounds like she still displays trauma symptoms, and it is better for her to work through it than to go on like nothing happened.
Documentation> in the event of a future court case, you need all the documentation you can get that shows her recovering from trauma, perhaps she will identify the perpetrators and her father's reaction to it, and it will show that you are a good mom who is doing the best she can for her kid - you're attending to her medical needs and the counselor will be able to speak about you.
I know it makes you sick to think about it, but your daughter is not making those things up - where would a kid come up with the things she has said? And the devil is in the details, so to speak - such as the special toy her dad gave her (something is really wrong with this picture!). Your daughter may not have told all there is to tell, many kids give partial disclosures to see if you can handle that before they divulge more. Stay calm, don't react around her, and thank her for telling her, make sure she knows that you're there to listen anytime she wants to talk about it and write down everything she says.
As far as the system goes: it is @%#^!!@$ UP. Especially when it comes to serving little kids. My daughter went through that too, and we got the same response. Now that she is almost 7, they are finally listening. It took 3 years of continued abuse for them to sit up and take notice. My heart broke, and I found the strength to go on. I wavered in my belief too, but I never let her know that, and you can't either.
The best thing you can do is get copies of all the interviews and records that you can if you get called in to court. It will at least show that you had a reason for concern.
There are many many sick people in the world. Chances are that we will bump in to a few along the way. I am so sorry for your pain and your daughter's pain. I would never tell some one to pick up and run, but I will say that I wish I could have, and I am glad that you had the guts to do it. There are organizations that help moms protect their children from abusers.
The further away you can get, the harder visitation will be for him. You can't get punished for it, because it was well within your rights to do so. I admire how you did it. Well done.
Posted on Mar 30, 2012, 5:51 PM from IP address 184.108.40.206
Dear Natasha- You are so brave and strong, a real mother bear! You are so doing the right thing for your child. As a victim of sexual abuse as a child and the mom of a daughter who was sexually abused at a young age (4 yrs old) by her own brother ( he was 12) I understand how difficult it can be when the abuser is someone you thought you could trust with your beautiful baby. Your daughter will benefit so much by getting away from that monster and getting the help she needs while she is still young.
My daughter didn't tell us until she was almost 18 and she had been suffering in silence for years. She became very depressed and self-harmed for 3 yrs.
We were able to get our son away from her and us! And she was finally able to begin to heal. One of the most important thing you can do for a victim is to get them away from their abuser(s)! I wish you safety and healing and hope you will be able to find the help that you need. Many rape crisis centers would be able to help you. Please post here again so that we know how you are doing. Warmly, Laura
Posted on Mar 30, 2012, 7:07 PM from IP address 220.127.116.11
Hi, I read your post and I have such a mix of emotions. Anger that people hurt such innocent children, sorrow for you and your daughter's pain, frustration with the legal system, and pride for the way you're standing up for your daughter. What a nightmare!! I'm glad you found out earlier rather than later; you'll have a much better chance of getting her the help she needs. I believe very strongly that therapy would be the best thing for her AND you. While we can give them all the love and support as parents, there are therapists who are trained to specifically work with children as young as your daughter who have been affected by CSA. She won't forget. It'll just get buried and come out eventually one way or another. Counseling is VERY effective.
Please keep reminding yourself that HE is the one who put you in this position, not you. You didn't decide to just up and move away because you were bored! You're doing what you needd to do to protect your daughter.
Also, can you check with some on the other child abuse hotlines and groups? They may be able to give you some help with what should and shouldn't happen during physical exams, etc. and getting those involved to be sensitive especially given her age. Sometimes I think people who deal with this can become desensitized and forget that they are dealing with people,not case numbers.
You came here and there's tons of support. Read and read and read some more. There is so much advice here!
Please, trust yourself. Your world has been turned upside down, again. You're getting yourself and your family through this. Hang on and let us know how you're doing.
Posted on Mar 31, 2012, 10:41 PM from IP address 18.104.22.168
Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has one of the highest effectiveness rates among people (children and adults) who are traumatized. This is a great type of therapy for anyone who has been abused, or all of you supportive parents out there!
You have to specifically look for a therapist who specializes in this type of therapy, they should have taken training, etc and should be able to tell you about it. I recommend looking for it or talking to current therapists about it.
Posted on Mar 29, 2012, 3:08 PM from IP address 22.214.171.124
Just an FYI since I haven't seen this mentioned recently on this forum. It tends to be a bit controversial, and doesn't work for everyone: My son was helped alot by EMDR, eye movement desensitization reprocessing, also a very effective treatment for PTSD. 5 sessions in two weeks helped the flashbacks (and guilt and shame) for over a year, and he opted to try CBT for now but is thinking he'd like to do some more EMDR. You can learn more about it at www.emdria.org . Hope this helps someone :0)
Posted on Mar 30, 2012, 10:03 AM from IP address 126.96.36.199
How old is your son? Did he tell the therapist about the abuse before doing the EMDR?
My son is 7yo. I have in play therapy where he can show the abuse by playing (he does not want to talk about it). I have another therapist waiting for him to do the EMDR, but I am thinking that he has to first be able to talk about it. Am I wrong? Thank you
Posted on Apr 6, 2012, 12:35 AM from IP address 188.8.131.52
My 4 year old daughter recently disclosed that her grandfather had been molesting her. This was happening frequently and we had no idea. My poor baby has been through hell. He was arrested and has been charged. He confessed to doing this to my child and his wife still stands by him! This woman who professed to love my kids so much. Anyway, my daughter has recently started tf-cbt and it's been wonderful, so far. Her therapist is great and I hope and pray this will help her to be okay again.
Posted on Apr 17, 2012, 11:08 PM from IP address 184.108.40.206
Three yrs ago my wife and I learned that twenty years ago our neighbors son (14) raped our middle son (5). This happened twenty years ago. When we reported this to our oldest son, he had a "memory eruption" and recalled something very disturbing along the same lines ( it is all still hazy for him, but he remembers something very confusing. Our youngest son who would have been three or so at the time remembers nothing, but does not like to be touched, moans and clenches as he nears rem sleep, and has constant tremors. All these symptoms are still being studied-no answers. We went to the police, they did an investigation, lie detector tests the perpetrator failed, but they decided not to prosecute. So now almost three years later the middle child that has conscious real time memory of the smells and taste of a 14 yr olds organ in his five year old mouth is doing better than his two brothers who remember little or nothing. Counseling and discussion helping no doubt. As the father of the three boys who I am sure were all abused by their only neighbor. A boy who was 6 years older than our eldest son. Also our eldest son's idol, putting him on an altar for the two younger brothers I am lost. My wife has her head in the sand/ can't talk about it for more than two minutes, ofcourse our parents don't seem to have any advice, and we live in a small town and we are afraid to permanently associate our children with this story in public because people outside of this experience are backwards about it. How do I live with my neighbor? I haven't told him that his son raped my three boys yet, should I? And then who is making sure his son is not still in the habit of abusing young boys? Is this on me? Help!
Posted on Mar 29, 2012, 6:53 AM from IP address 220.127.116.11
I moved far far away from the small town where our child was assaulted. I could no longer be around sandhead thinking, and I didn't want my children to grow up thinking such behavior was OK, or that the authorities' lack of concern was deserving of my respect and tax $. If the small community was not willing to defend a defenseless child, I have no business there. That town could burn to the ground. I packed up and left, never looking back.
Posted on Mar 29, 2012, 9:35 AM from IP address 18.104.22.168
Dear Pat, I am so sorry for what has happened to your sons and your family. It is very difficult to deal with the abuse many years later. But not impossible. I healed from a rape that happened many years ago ( I was 10) and my family is dealing with rape that happened to my daughter (she was 4 my son was 12) 14 yrs later. My son is no longer a part of our family. Sad ,yes, but necessary so that our daughter could heal.
Get yourself and your wife into counseling. If your wife won't go, go by yourself. As for telling your neighbor, it is your call. It is unlikely that he would believe you. Thank God you made the police report. If there is ever another report on the low-life that raped your sons there will be something the police can use against him. I am sure that your sons are not his only victims.
All of your sons will need long-term counseling. More than likely all of your sons are suffering from PTSD. It is very common with children who have been raped or abused. This is the hardest road you will ever walk, Pat. You and your family are worth the hard work it takes to heal from this. Don't give up. You did the right thing by reporting that scum-bag to police. Come back here and keep us updated. We understand what you are going thru.
Posted on Mar 29, 2012, 12:59 PM from IP address 22.214.171.124
Dear Pat, I thought I was incredibly strong too until my child became a victim. It is very tough to find support for parents so I am grateful for this amazing site where we can share and get some incredible support. Hang in there, Laura
Posted on Mar 29, 2012, 8:18 PM from IP address 126.96.36.199
I'm just adding my voice to the others who've already responded. You'll gain a lot of insight from reading the posts on this site. Please get counseling for yourself; maybe your wife will get some at some point as well. Your sons are getting help. You've filed a police report so there's a record in case other survivors come forward. Keep holding on and please post again and let us know how you're doing.
Posted on Mar 31, 2012, 11:23 PM from IP address 188.8.131.52
You must tell they never stop being a pedophile. My husband is 85 and still a predator. Many times the victims don't tell until they are 30 or 40. To think I told my husband I was a victim is disgusting.
Posted on May 2, 2012, 8:25 AM from IP address 184.108.40.206
How should we respond to our child(ren) when they yell at us, "Why does he get to get away with it? Why won't the police do anything?" I am so tired of hearing my child ask this, and not having a response that makes any sense to a child. It's been 2 years since our son disclosed his assaults, and it feels like everything we did/told authorities, we did in a vacuum. Like nobody was ever truly listening. It has always felt like the authorities were doing more to protect the perp b/c his father was a local correctional officer, which raised concerns for who was trustworthy.
Posted on Mar 27, 2012, 10:03 PM from IP address 220.127.116.11
my daughter told me on jan.2,2012 that my ex husband sexal abused her for a whole year. we are working on pressing charges but i dont know if he will be punished because it happen over seven years ago. she has trouble sleeping and she is scared that he will get off. so do me a favor when u find the answer to your question let me know the answer just in case i have to tell her the same thing k.
Posted on Mar 27, 2012, 11:46 PM from IP address 18.104.22.168
because the legal system seems to function by different definitions than the psychosocial world. The legal system seems to function on budget constraints, negotiations, plea bargains, and interpretations of evidence. What the DSM-IV can deem abnormal, lawyers can argue as experimental. It's all so very twisted and sad. Tonight I will not sleep well; my heart groans in pain for not only my child, but the countless children whose voices are not being heard b/c of bureaucratic nonsense. The system allows for less justice for defenseless children, the very citizens that should be defended to the nth degree.
Posted on Mar 27, 2012, 11:55 PM from IP address 22.214.171.124
Madison, my heart goes out to you and your family in living through this h*llish situation. I think back to the fact that when I was finally informed about my daughter(s) sexual abuse (at age 17 3/4's). While I did not confront the perpetrator immediately (his wife was dying of leukemia at the time and she had been like a second mother to me since the age of eight; I did confront him a year later when he called me on the telephone to accuse me of not coming to see his wife before she died. When I confronted him, he admitted it immediately. But what he said was: "she asked for it". A child of five asking to be sexually abused. That ripped me apart when he said that. I realized then just how sick in the mind he was)...but that aside, my daughter a few years later chose to sue him in civil court, not criminal. She was by then 22 and it was her choice of how she wanted it handled. When someone refuses to take responsibility for their actions and they've done something so horribly awful to another human being and try to get away with it, I'd feel like and felt like strangling the perp with my own two hands. Yet no-one is worth me going to jail for because of something they did. But the hatred and anger burns deep. I don't understand the legal system either. To me, lawyers would renegotiate the Ten Commandments if it was to their advantage. The law, to them, becomes a game. Not who is right but who can win and come out on top. I don't know how some lawyers managed to face themselves with their actions on the job. Negotiating everything, whether right or wrong, it depends on who is the client and who is the one who suffered at the hands of the client. The only thing that would help me and has helped me is speaking out about the injustice and the suffering caused by sexual abuse and speaking out in ways that may help others (I do volunteer work for Victim's Services once a week). Through my own salvation in helping others, the healing process begins...but it never removes that pain deep in your heart when something like that happens to your child.
Posted on Mar 28, 2012, 7:30 AM from IP address 126.96.36.199
I don't think anyone involved in our son's case truly read the entire file. One lawyer had the nerve to comment that what happened to our son was 'irrelevant and frivolous'. Amazing. The legal game is just that, a game. Lawyers make me sick. Re-victimization like that is uncalled for and unprofessional, but nobody in authority cares, IMHO.
Posted on Mar 28, 2012, 9:39 AM from IP address 188.8.131.52
You're absolutely right, Madison. I have not had a good experience with litigation lawyers in the past (estate lawyer, yes). I've had enough experience with litigation lawyers to know that it is a game with them. Sit in any court room for a day or two and you can watch their antics. To me, these lawyers are full of themselves, posturing before the courtroom and a judge. You may hear my anger in what I've always said about them: 'they are as necessary as toilet paper in the end'. That's about what they clean up and you can't get out of this life without them. You're right, too, in saying that they revictimize the victim if they are on the opposing side.
Posted on Mar 28, 2012, 11:35 AM from IP address 184.108.40.206
I think not just in Madison's case, but all cases that would be the ideal. I can think of no reason why anyone who abuses a child should not be shot or hung for the world to see. Sadly, I am not sure that child abusers even got that treatment in the Wild West ...
Posted on Mar 28, 2012, 2:18 PM from IP address 220.127.116.11
I guess I was thinking about adult abusers. But..... my abuser was 17 when he hurt me ( I was only 10) and it was good that I never saw him again because I don't know what I would have done to him. My son was only 12 when he abused his baby sister ( she was 4). I can't talk to him or be in the same room with him because I am afraid of what I would do to him. If I had caught him 14 yrs ago (he was still my step-son then) I know I would have hurt him. I feel somewhat ashamed of that but it is how I feel. Laura
Posted on Mar 28, 2012, 5:12 PM from IP address 18.104.22.168
or understood there are consequences for their behavior(s) maybe there would be less assaults by minors. In our case, I think the kid who raped our child, knew there'd be no consequence. he seems to have no conscience regarding what he did; therefore, I have no sympathy for him.
Posted on Mar 29, 2012, 9:28 AM from IP address 22.214.171.124
If anyone comes up with an answer, please let me know. My daughter has struggled year after year after year. My son, her perpetrator is an attorney, defending criminals. Takes one to know one, I guess. Sorry, I'm just so frustrated that one person can destroy others' lives and never be held accountable.
Posted on Mar 31, 2012, 11:43 PM from IP address 126.96.36.199
Hi, Yesterday was the hardest counseling session we have ever had. I totally lost it and was yelling at my husband that instead of being frustrated with my daughter and I he should be angry with his stupid ***hole son! It was awful! My poor husband. He doesn't deserve that. He is handling this different than I am and it is hard to see it eye to eye. I apologized to him later. It is all so sad. I am so sad!
I also yelled at the counselor that nobody could possibly understand this unless they have been thru it themselves. And that all these horrible abusers just get to walk away. I am ashamed of how I acted but I do feel some relief. This has turned me into someone I thought was long gone. It is so deja vu. 20 yrs ago my husband and I went thru hell too when I was in counseling for my CSA.
I have an appointment to see the Dr on Thursday about me taking meds to help me. I am strongly considering it. I have a lot of fear about taking something (worried about side effects). And I also have fear about not taking something (things will get much worse). So sorry, just had to vent! Thanks for reading my post. And thank you to the wonderful parents who started this site; I don't know what I would do without you all, Laura
Posted on Mar 27, 2012, 12:13 PM from IP address 188.8.131.52
I'm so sorry you had such a tough counseling session. CSA really rips at the fabric of families. My husband and I have had some pretty intense clashes over our situation too. I didn't think we would make it through. It sounds like you and your husband have been through a lot already together. I know you mentioned the other day he is not the support you wish he was - - I can really relate to that! There were times I was falling apart and my husband was frozen and unable to help me. I learned to accept that he can't be my sole support person because he is going through this too - and I learned that I can't be his for the same reason. So I got counseling and reached out to close friends. Then I developed a couple of unhealthy coping mechanisms like comfort eating and distancing myself from the trauma, but thats another story ;)
I just wanted to address the medication piece - I have been on anti-depressants before, and am on them now. I will give you a few reasons why I have decided to take them against my desire to do so: It helps me cope with the day to day without flipping out/flying off the handle/breaking down into tears, it makes it easier for me to deal with crises as they so often pop up, and it allows me to be the parent I have to be to help my daughter through this. Side effects? Your doctor should work with you to find the right medication for you. I personally have a lot of success with Welbutrin XL and a little bit of Prozac. I've tried Effexor, Zoloft, Paxil, and Welbutrin SR (big big difference). If you are clear about the side effects you feel and discuss with your doctor, they should work with you to get the right one.
Currently, my side effects are that I am a little sleepier, but I was like that when I was depressed too. I am also a little over weight, but was that way when I was off meds too. I've Been that way most of my life :) Other than that, I don't notice any real effects. I have a sex drive, I can focus and I did not gain extra weight.
Posted on Mar 27, 2012, 1:44 PM from IP address 184.108.40.206
Elle, Thank you. Your post gives me a lot of hope. You are right. I need to lean more on other people. My husband is also in pain over this. We will get an entire week to ourselves starting on Sat. Our 2 younger daughters are going to spend spring break with their older sister who lives out of state.
In the 25 yrs of our marriage we have never had this much time alone together and we really need it right now ( my husband's son was only 2 and we had sole custody of him when we got married). I hope it can be restful and happy for us (another good reason for the meds). I want you to know how much I appreciate your support. Laura
Posted on Mar 27, 2012, 4:20 PM from IP address 220.127.116.11
I'm so, so sorry that your session was so difficult. I'm glad that you were able to express some of what you were feeling, though. Counselors are there to help you so don't be ashamed of what you said. They realize that you're dealing with a lot of raw emotions, and they don't take it personally. It's a safe environment to vent in. It's hard for a couple to be on the same page a lot of the time much less with this type of abuse. Don't be too hard on yourself.
As far as side effects of meds, there are so many out there as Elle said. A lot of them are used alone or in conjunction with another one to provide the optimal benefits. If you decide to try meds, let your conselor know all your concerns so she/he will be able to address them appropriately. Please be easy on yourself. As a parent, you're dealing with your own emotions while trying to mother your daughter and be a steadying force in her life as well. Give yourself the understanding you give others to have emotional eruptions. You're still a rock for your family, but even rocks shift when the ground undereath moves.
Posted on Mar 27, 2012, 2:56 PM from IP address 18.104.22.168
So true, Gail. I was a rock to myself growing up because I didn't have a lot of support. Sometimes I am even surprised that I survived my childhood. I also have been there for my husband and children all these years. I am trying to realize that I can't always be strong. I am 99% sure that I will need the meds to make it thru. And I understand that it won't solve everything. But hopefully it will take the edge off. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. It has really helped :) Laura
Posted on Mar 27, 2012, 4:28 PM from IP address 22.214.171.124
Tired of waiting to see if my daughter's father will be arrested and charged for what he has done. The investigation has been going on for a month now and I know that is not long enough but damn I've already been patient just waiting for it to happen. Why does it have to take so long???!!!
Posted on Mar 26, 2012, 3:43 PM from IP address 126.96.36.199
Elle- These kind of cases should be priority in my opinion. It is a crime that you are still waiting for him to be arrested. Hang in there! We will support you thru this. Waiting can be total hell. Keep us updated, Laura
Posted on Mar 26, 2012, 8:57 PM from IP address 188.8.131.52
Thanks, Laura, I appreciate it. Some days I just get fed up with waiting. It has only been a month, so who knows what kind of priority it is. It would be nice if it was top priority indeed!
I don't know if he will ever be arrested or go to jail for what he has done. At the very least, I would like for there to be a substantiation through CPS so I have more reason to keep her away from him.
Every day I am checking the newspaper to see if maybe, just maybe, he got arrested. and I check the police arrest blotter every day. Its sick. I feel crazy.
Posted on Mar 27, 2012, 9:26 AM from IP address 184.108.40.206
I'm sorry that the system is making life so difficult. I think it's just indicative of the way a lot of these cases are handled. We go crazy waiting. I hope your case ends sooner rather than later. Hang on and keep fighting! Your daughter will appreciate it later if not now. You're being a wonderful role model.
Posted on Mar 27, 2012, 3:00 PM from IP address 220.127.116.11
Thank you Gail, I am doing my best. I hope it ends soon, but I also want them to be thorough. They've F***ed it up too many times already. I am strong in front of my daughter, but sometimes I am going crazy just waiting for any news at all. I am so desperate that even speculation of others seems to satisfy my curiosity for a time.
Posted on Mar 28, 2012, 2:21 PM from IP address 18.104.22.168
Husband's first court date in criminal court was last Monday. I plan on going to every single one. I think I should go. Some people say I shouldn't, it would be too stressful. I think I need to represent my daughter and I want them to know someone is watching the process.
When does it get better? Everyday is a reminder for me. Even looking at my daughter is a reminder. Will I be able to look at my daughter and not be reminded someday?
My daughter still needs me to go with her to the bathroom, laundry room etc. It's so hard.
Posted on Mar 25, 2012, 8:52 PM from IP address 22.214.171.124
You are so brave and your daughter is so lucky to have you on her side! If you can handle it, you should go to all of the court dates. That POS needs to know that you are not backing down and that you will make sure that he pays for what he did! At the same time, remember that if it becomes too much it would be ok to have someone go with you or represent you. Get as much support as you can. Make sure you go to counseling. Is there a rape crisis center in your area? They may provide someone to help you thru this. I live in the state of Nevada. If you live here, I will go with you.
Posted on Mar 26, 2012, 1:02 PM from IP address 126.96.36.199
Just read your note and wanted to tell you that you having to go to the bathroom ect with your daughter will end. I slowly backed out of stuff like that....I stood visible in the bathroom door (2 weeks), I stood just outside bathroom door (1 week), I stood in the kitchen (1 week), I walked with her to the bathroom to make sure it was safe but then didn't stay close by (2 weeks)....then finally I just told her she was a big girl and could do it on her own. It is a process but worth the effort because it will get you there.....just take it slow in making changes. She can do this and you owe it to her to show her that she is a strong, brave, capable young lady.
Posted on Mar 28, 2012, 5:16 PM from IP address 188.8.131.52
I understand exactly how you feel; I have been to every hearing held in my husband's case. I want the judge and his attorney and his family to all know that I am standing strong for my daughter. I do not take her; I attend hearings with an advocate assigned to our case from the Child Advocacy Center in our area, ICASA. There are also court advocates that can sit with you (at least here in the Chicago area) and help you understand what is going on. These people have been wonderfully supportive of me and my daughter and I encourage you to avail yourself of them if possible.
We are now approaching trial vs plea bargaining... I am struggling with the concept of plea bargain and want to make certain that he serves a decent amount of time for his horrid actions against my child. Keep yourself well-informed, meet with the prosecutors, let them all know you care and need to be heard.
You are indeed a warrior!
Posted on Apr 16, 2012, 12:32 AM from IP address 184.108.40.206